This is quite possibly the longest post ever written. Thank goodness for lj cut
Alright so I start over for the third time. I hate it when I write a wicked long journal entry and when I get about halfway through I realize I'm babbling so I have to start over. Alright so here comes me talking about me being sad. Leave now if you just don't give a shit
If I Could Give You One Gift, I Would Give You The Ability To See Yourself As I See You, So That You Could See How Truely Special You Are
I'm sick of this place. It's really not the place... or the people. Both are actually quite good despite what I might have said or thought. This whole Scenario is just lacking in quite a few amazing people. I could actually deal with all of these amazing people being two thousand, four hundred and ten that's right... I looked it up miles away if I knew that they were feeling alright, none of them were sad and they had no problems whatsoever. That however is not the case. I am not saying that I wish my friends would lie to me and tell me that everything is going great and there's not a problem in the world. I would actually hate that more than anything. I just hate not being able to be there for my friends. I want to be able to hold my that are crying and/or to cry with them. I'm used to being the friend that will be there in a second if someone if feeling even a little bit sad. I am happiest when I am comforting someone. Just because I love the look on people's faces when they know that someone cares and that they have not been forgotten even in the smallest way. I miss falling asleep with someone after just crying with them for hours even about the most trivial thing. I just plain want to be there. I wouldn't care if I was only there for the sad times and I had to miss all the fun times. I would give every good time that I've had with my friends if I could only be there for their sad times. I would give anything in the world if I could keep my friends happy. I know that I probably just contradicted myself but I just can't put what I feel into words I guess what I mean is that I would give anything to make it so that my friends were never sad but if they had to be then I would be any happy time with them just so that I could help them through it. O I just can't explain it right. There's no use anymore. Well congratulations if you can understand my babbling.
And it is me who is my enemy, me who beats me up, me who makes the monsters, me who strips my confidence, and it is me who is too weak and it is me who is too shy, to ask for the thing that I love
I took something extremely big out of here last minute because I don't think that everyone should know about it so this post is a lot less dramatic than it would have been so yeah... just in case you were wondering why I made a big deal out of nothing...
I decided recently that I could be anemic. It's really not a big deal, It's actually a very tiny problem... it just pisses me off. I've just never had anything wrong with me that I would have to go see a doctor for. Well... I have allergies woopdie-doo. So yeah. I've always gotten dizzy at random times but lately it's much worse. Sometimes I feel like I am going to faint and that just doesn't seem like tons of fun to me. That and I have a horrible constant headache well I don't know if you can call it constant because sometimes it will die down and sometimes it hurts so much I just want to scream. I also find it difficult to fall asleep. That could just be because I'm retarded and have a weird sleeping schedule. yeah... that's probably it. There's also that major reason that I'll just say, if you're a girl just think... every other week. Sounds fun doesn't it?... yeah well it's not. and if you're a guy.... just realize that's why I'm such a bitch so often. Alright all done with that part...
If he's the first thing you think of when you wake up, the only thing you think of when you're awake, and the last thing you think of before you go to bed, then he's really something special
Now before you read this next section, if you are a guy and feel the need to be a jerk and think that it's stupid for a guy to be like this then I feel sorry for you... it really isn't my fault that no girl likes you this much or you're not this good of a person. :D
Alright so we all know that I have amazing taste in guys. Haha... no. I did however find an amazing one right before I left. I mean absolutly amazing. I had questions about him in the beginning but in the couple weeks that I had him he proved me so wrong. He's the kind of guy that they talk about in movies. Like when they say that he just made them feel like they were worth something. I have never felt like that... At first I thought the whole thing was just going to be some fun before I left because really... that was all I was looking for because I can if I want to be such a guy it's not even funny. Well as you can see he managed to break down that feeling in me telling myself that I'm not good enough. most of my friends discovered early on that I can take an insult a lot better/easier than I can take a compliment I don't think that even he realizes what he did for me but it's actually quite amazing to me.
There is another guy that is making me feel similar to the way the guy I left back home in Nashua made me feel. I have only been on 2 dates with him but I've been talking to him for about a year now. I never thought I had a chance with him but it seems to be going well. We are not getting into a "relationship". We might even just end up being friends. All I know is that the biggest reason these two guys make me feel so good is because they are not/did not force me into something I don't want to/am not ready to do.
Well... I think that is all the problems I have up to date. Don't expect to see another journal entry like this... ever. This took me 2 hours to write. Half an hour to find quotes and about two hours to type... how annoying... plus I just don't like to share my feelings. yeah Im just weird like that
My computer will finally have the internet on it on Thursday for sure. I am going to try to get my digital camera fixed so I can take lots of random pictures and post them on here so you can see me from time to time. And if my camera gets fixed before this thursday I can take pictures of the fireworks!!! haha. two times a year here. :D