thanksgiving
things i am thankful for today:
- my sister - i don't always give her enough credit for all she does for other people and for me. she's a really great person and has never been anything but supportive.
- my aunt, uncle, and grandfather. especially my aunt for giving me a roof over my head. i can be a pain in the ass, and so can she, but i'm really starting to feel like this is home. i'd rather be on my own, but this is the most stable place i've lived in years.
- my father, and that i got to talk to him on the phone during "dinner"(i always feel weird calling it dinner when it's at like two..but i digress). we have a better relationship now than i can ever remember. i can't wait to hug him when he gets out. i'm so proud of how resiliant he's been and how he's been able to find positives in such an unfair and negative situation. love you dad.
- my health - i'm healthier, mentally, than i can ever remember. things aren't always great but i'm learning how to live with bipolar disorder and depression. also i should've died in my car crash a couple months ago, thank god i didn't hurt myself/end up in jail/kill a friend or an innocent bystander
- music - my life, my sanity, my passion, my love.
- my friends - dpoo for keeping my ass in check and making the time in her busy life to hang out with me.love you. mellie for talking to me online all the time, chilling when she's home and being generally ill. i've known her for like 16 years now. weird.
ben is like a brother at this point, he's one of the few people i can be my nerdy/goofy self with and turn around and talk about the hard shit in life. i would legitimately take a bullet for him and i don't like cliches. i can't begin to write everything he and his family have done for me.
i was thinking a lot about nick today . i havent seen him for awhile - i will tonight - but i was thinking back to when my mom was in the hospital. nick was there almost every day by my side, made phone calls after i couldn't make any more, made a point to hang out with me after she died, and brushed it off whenever i thanked him, like it was what he was supposed to do. he helped my mom bury my dog, maddy..i was in cali when she died. when my mom tried to pay him he refused and said something along the lines of "it's just what friends do for each other, don't worry about him." and that's the type of character nick has.i called him once wasted drunk, bawling, at one in the morning and asked him to look up a taxi service in new jersey for me and he did, no questions asked.
aside from all that, we've always effortlessly clicked. and i smoked weed for the first time with him. even though i don't see much of him now, i thank god that i have such a true friend. hopefully i'll be able to repay him and/or thank him for everything he's done for me in a way that won't make him feel uncomfortable...doubtful though cuz he's the most awkward person i know :-)
- my mom - i'm still angry with her, but today is the first major holiday since she died that i felt at peace with the fact that she wasnt there. i'm not sad. i'm not depressed. there's a little hole in my heart still that's always going to be there, but today it felt like she made it a bit smaller. i felt her presence even though she wasn't there. i am who i am because of her, and as i come to terms with and try to change a lot of the things that i dislike about myself, i'm able to forgive her more and more. we definitely have some shared demons, i'm just lucky that i'm catching some of mine as young as i am. i love you mom. i wish you were there today and i hope you're proud of me. i'm proud of everything that you did, for me and for others when you were on the planet. every poem and rap song i write is a tribute to you. i hope you like it. i miss you every day.
funny story i told my sister today when "jumpin jumpin" by destiny's child came on the radio : my mom made me turn it off when she first heard it..she was mortified by the lyrics. at the part where they say "the club is filled with ballers and their pockets full grown" she thought they were saying "the club is filled with balls and the cock is full grown." listen. it sounds like it.
hope everyone who reads this (all 3? of you) and those who don't had a good thanksgiving. i'm the poster child for dwelling on the negatives in my life, but i hope everyone is healthy, happy, and able to find some things to be thankful for.
oh god, i'm getting soft in my old age.
peace and love
.
- my sister - i don't always give her enough credit for all she does for other people and for me. she's a really great person and has never been anything but supportive.
- my aunt, uncle, and grandfather. especially my aunt for giving me a roof over my head. i can be a pain in the ass, and so can she, but i'm really starting to feel like this is home. i'd rather be on my own, but this is the most stable place i've lived in years.
- my father, and that i got to talk to him on the phone during "dinner"(i always feel weird calling it dinner when it's at like two..but i digress). we have a better relationship now than i can ever remember. i can't wait to hug him when he gets out. i'm so proud of how resiliant he's been and how he's been able to find positives in such an unfair and negative situation. love you dad.
- my health - i'm healthier, mentally, than i can ever remember. things aren't always great but i'm learning how to live with bipolar disorder and depression. also i should've died in my car crash a couple months ago, thank god i didn't hurt myself/end up in jail/kill a friend or an innocent bystander
- music - my life, my sanity, my passion, my love.
- my friends - dpoo for keeping my ass in check and making the time in her busy life to hang out with me.love you. mellie for talking to me online all the time, chilling when she's home and being generally ill. i've known her for like 16 years now. weird.
ben is like a brother at this point, he's one of the few people i can be my nerdy/goofy self with and turn around and talk about the hard shit in life. i would legitimately take a bullet for him and i don't like cliches. i can't begin to write everything he and his family have done for me.
i was thinking a lot about nick today . i havent seen him for awhile - i will tonight - but i was thinking back to when my mom was in the hospital. nick was there almost every day by my side, made phone calls after i couldn't make any more, made a point to hang out with me after she died, and brushed it off whenever i thanked him, like it was what he was supposed to do. he helped my mom bury my dog, maddy..i was in cali when she died. when my mom tried to pay him he refused and said something along the lines of "it's just what friends do for each other, don't worry about him." and that's the type of character nick has.i called him once wasted drunk, bawling, at one in the morning and asked him to look up a taxi service in new jersey for me and he did, no questions asked.
aside from all that, we've always effortlessly clicked. and i smoked weed for the first time with him. even though i don't see much of him now, i thank god that i have such a true friend. hopefully i'll be able to repay him and/or thank him for everything he's done for me in a way that won't make him feel uncomfortable...doubtful though cuz he's the most awkward person i know :-)
- my mom - i'm still angry with her, but today is the first major holiday since she died that i felt at peace with the fact that she wasnt there. i'm not sad. i'm not depressed. there's a little hole in my heart still that's always going to be there, but today it felt like she made it a bit smaller. i felt her presence even though she wasn't there. i am who i am because of her, and as i come to terms with and try to change a lot of the things that i dislike about myself, i'm able to forgive her more and more. we definitely have some shared demons, i'm just lucky that i'm catching some of mine as young as i am. i love you mom. i wish you were there today and i hope you're proud of me. i'm proud of everything that you did, for me and for others when you were on the planet. every poem and rap song i write is a tribute to you. i hope you like it. i miss you every day.
funny story i told my sister today when "jumpin jumpin" by destiny's child came on the radio : my mom made me turn it off when she first heard it..she was mortified by the lyrics. at the part where they say "the club is filled with ballers and their pockets full grown" she thought they were saying "the club is filled with balls and the cock is full grown." listen. it sounds like it.
hope everyone who reads this (all 3? of you) and those who don't had a good thanksgiving. i'm the poster child for dwelling on the negatives in my life, but i hope everyone is healthy, happy, and able to find some things to be thankful for.
oh god, i'm getting soft in my old age.
peace and love
.