cleaning
So today I took and shower and then cleaned my room. It feels so good to be clean. To put things in order. To get rid of the feeling of dread. I FINALLY feel like I have some direction. Nothing can hold me back now! I feel good. Life makes sense, sometimes. and right now is one of those times. For once it is all clear. I'm sad tho. Winter makes me sad. It's like nature dying. All the leaves,color, flowers and trees seem to die. I dont like to watch things die. But slowly, slowly, even if we put up a fight...all things die. "Even this shall one day fade away". My great-grandpa carved that into the windowsill of my cabin. I have never really thought about its meaning until this moment. It makes perfect sense in the saddest way. All things end. I cant help but be filled w/ sadness over this. But birth is just as much a part of life as death is. And yet people are so sad over death and so happy over birth. Why is this? Someone dies at the exact moment someone is born. So why are we not sad and happy? Why is death so sad? Why does it make us cry? I know for me, it is simply because it is so hard to say goodbye. How do we begin to think of words that even mean that. When it comes down to that last moment, what do you say? Part of me just walked out the door with her that day. A part that I will never get back. A door shut the day she died. A door to the past and to any kindness that was left here. The door is shut and locked and Im afraid that no one has a key, but her. She will be opening doors no more. How do you measure how much you have lost? I think anything really valuable can have no figure on it. It is still difficult,and it is going to be for a long time. The people in this world are what makes it good. Life is defined by your ammount of joy and what brings you this joy are the people you care about most. It is a waste of tiem to be around people that bring you pain I think. SO why cant I just get rid of the rest of Them? Why cant they just go away? Why couldnt it be them and not her? A song plays in my head. Piano music. The sun sets on a cold day, the stars come out, the sand is still warm, eyes are closed for the night. And it all just fades away into the distance. I am filled with loss, but also with peace.