Hello Old Friend
...wow...
I decided I really just needed to write to get a lot of things out of my head. Its been awhile since I wrote in here, but I figure it would really be good for me. One, to just get my thoughts out... they seem to be stuck in my head, and two, to re-touch my writing skills.
My Formula Hybrid team won first place in our class. Its honestly quite an accomplishment, but I haven't been able to fully celebrate it. It was really... man, we had a pretty good team and I think I did a pretty good job of leading and motivating them. We did it my way... I implemented everything that I learned over the past nine years. All the experiences and failures, all the advice from the past leaders and it worked. We had issues passing tech, but we made it through and kicked ass. It was a come from behind victory too... we gained it all back during the endurance event, finishing second overall in that event.
The reason why I can't bask in the glory is that there was one team member who... didn't fit in. I had issues with him during the year, but could never get a handle on the situation. He is a person who thinks he knows better than what he actually does. I had a talk with him early in the year but he just became defiant after that; I'm pretty sure it was just because I wasn't doing it his way. At the end of the year, after we won and came back, I asked everyone to write down how I did as a leader, and how I could improve. There was some good feedback, but this guy just reamed me... I deleted the email and never responded (trying to be the better person by not starting a flame war) but its still stuck in my head. A few of the comments...
He mentioned that on some items I was super critical about and others it seemed like I didn't care.... well, some items were super critical, and others not so much.
Apparently he felt that I had no practical leadership experience and was just getting my ideas out of a book... yes they are out of a book, well... about three of them and they all support each other. Some very credible ones from successful leaders who use other successful leaders as examples, and some backed up by the Harvard school of business. Oh, don't forget that I was president of the club for two years (in which we made HUGE strides), and have won numerous leadership awards. Did I mention that I led the team to first place in our class?
The best one was that he felt that Holly (team manager) and I were "making decisions as we saw fit". I mentioned this to Holly and she said to me "Well, yeah... that's our job!"
Did I mention this is a guy who couldn't take the criticism that his first iteration of the system was way too heavy so he left that project... he was the only guy not in the team photo and the only guy who was on a different flight to competition (and neglected to tell me). GUH!!! I really should have kicked him off the team after the rumor of sexist remarks/sexual harassment. I figured I was being a good leader by giving him a chance. OH!!! One more, he blamed me that I didn't bring up his behavioural problems "early enough" for him to "make adjustments". I talked to him about it as soon as I found out. Did I mention how many times I bought food for the team?!?! And how ungrateful he was.
I fly to Quebec on Thursday. We have a race at Three Rivers. It is the highlight of our calendar really; a street race around a park in Quebec. The entire town comes out for the event and we get a lot of support. Even better, we have an evening session on Friday...
On the other hand, the travel during the month of May was killer. I counted, and I spent 11 nights in my bed that month. I love the racing but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. The pay right now just barely covers the bills... I'm hoping to make it to the next level this coming year, but only time will tell. That and a "normal" life doesn't sound too bad; a nice pay check, steady job, free weekends, a nice car, a nice bike... however I'm afraid I'd get bored. I really need to be challenged, and I like finding my challenges. For example I'm trying to come up with a pit strategy software program that uses a genetic solver to figure out the optimal time to pit. However, I reached the limits of excel in that realm... I've found a stand alone plug in for this but don't have it quite figured out yet. Oh yeah, it is possible that the team will step up to GT cars next year. That would be a blast. So would moving to Boston and going full time with the team.
God, I'd miss CA though... but I'm still up for a new adventure.
This past year I met a guy at church named Drew, he was going through a program that helps people "get back on track". At first I didn't really like hanging out with him, but as the year went on he progressed and was promoted through the program. It was amazing to just be part of his life and see the transformation; we became pretty good friends, he was the highlight of the year really. Last week though I found out that he had been kicked out... I really don't know what to think but... damn. This sucks. Ok, no... I'm not letting myself off with a description such as "This sucks." I'm helpless in the cause and every so often I'll think of the past and the opportunities that I had to make a bigger difference, but I can't blame myself. I can't control his choices. Hope was high the first few days, but I haven't seen or heard anything from him so hope is fading... There, I think that is a bit more acceptable than "This sucks."
All in all, I've been feeling quite detached from everything. I feel like a robot, emotionless and calculating (everything).
On the other hand, I just went back and read a lot of my entries from two years ago (when I was unemployed and living with the parents). Things are much much better now... yeah, amazing.
On the spiritual side, I've been feeling quite detached... but after going back and reading those entries I feel like God has been listening all along. Yeah... good place to end.
I decided I really just needed to write to get a lot of things out of my head. Its been awhile since I wrote in here, but I figure it would really be good for me. One, to just get my thoughts out... they seem to be stuck in my head, and two, to re-touch my writing skills.
My Formula Hybrid team won first place in our class. Its honestly quite an accomplishment, but I haven't been able to fully celebrate it. It was really... man, we had a pretty good team and I think I did a pretty good job of leading and motivating them. We did it my way... I implemented everything that I learned over the past nine years. All the experiences and failures, all the advice from the past leaders and it worked. We had issues passing tech, but we made it through and kicked ass. It was a come from behind victory too... we gained it all back during the endurance event, finishing second overall in that event.
The reason why I can't bask in the glory is that there was one team member who... didn't fit in. I had issues with him during the year, but could never get a handle on the situation. He is a person who thinks he knows better than what he actually does. I had a talk with him early in the year but he just became defiant after that; I'm pretty sure it was just because I wasn't doing it his way. At the end of the year, after we won and came back, I asked everyone to write down how I did as a leader, and how I could improve. There was some good feedback, but this guy just reamed me... I deleted the email and never responded (trying to be the better person by not starting a flame war) but its still stuck in my head. A few of the comments...
He mentioned that on some items I was super critical about and others it seemed like I didn't care.... well, some items were super critical, and others not so much.
Apparently he felt that I had no practical leadership experience and was just getting my ideas out of a book... yes they are out of a book, well... about three of them and they all support each other. Some very credible ones from successful leaders who use other successful leaders as examples, and some backed up by the Harvard school of business. Oh, don't forget that I was president of the club for two years (in which we made HUGE strides), and have won numerous leadership awards. Did I mention that I led the team to first place in our class?
The best one was that he felt that Holly (team manager) and I were "making decisions as we saw fit". I mentioned this to Holly and she said to me "Well, yeah... that's our job!"
Did I mention this is a guy who couldn't take the criticism that his first iteration of the system was way too heavy so he left that project... he was the only guy not in the team photo and the only guy who was on a different flight to competition (and neglected to tell me). GUH!!! I really should have kicked him off the team after the rumor of sexist remarks/sexual harassment. I figured I was being a good leader by giving him a chance. OH!!! One more, he blamed me that I didn't bring up his behavioural problems "early enough" for him to "make adjustments". I talked to him about it as soon as I found out. Did I mention how many times I bought food for the team?!?! And how ungrateful he was.
I fly to Quebec on Thursday. We have a race at Three Rivers. It is the highlight of our calendar really; a street race around a park in Quebec. The entire town comes out for the event and we get a lot of support. Even better, we have an evening session on Friday...
On the other hand, the travel during the month of May was killer. I counted, and I spent 11 nights in my bed that month. I love the racing but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. The pay right now just barely covers the bills... I'm hoping to make it to the next level this coming year, but only time will tell. That and a "normal" life doesn't sound too bad; a nice pay check, steady job, free weekends, a nice car, a nice bike... however I'm afraid I'd get bored. I really need to be challenged, and I like finding my challenges. For example I'm trying to come up with a pit strategy software program that uses a genetic solver to figure out the optimal time to pit. However, I reached the limits of excel in that realm... I've found a stand alone plug in for this but don't have it quite figured out yet. Oh yeah, it is possible that the team will step up to GT cars next year. That would be a blast. So would moving to Boston and going full time with the team.
God, I'd miss CA though... but I'm still up for a new adventure.
This past year I met a guy at church named Drew, he was going through a program that helps people "get back on track". At first I didn't really like hanging out with him, but as the year went on he progressed and was promoted through the program. It was amazing to just be part of his life and see the transformation; we became pretty good friends, he was the highlight of the year really. Last week though I found out that he had been kicked out... I really don't know what to think but... damn. This sucks. Ok, no... I'm not letting myself off with a description such as "This sucks." I'm helpless in the cause and every so often I'll think of the past and the opportunities that I had to make a bigger difference, but I can't blame myself. I can't control his choices. Hope was high the first few days, but I haven't seen or heard anything from him so hope is fading... There, I think that is a bit more acceptable than "This sucks."
All in all, I've been feeling quite detached from everything. I feel like a robot, emotionless and calculating (everything).
On the other hand, I just went back and read a lot of my entries from two years ago (when I was unemployed and living with the parents). Things are much much better now... yeah, amazing.
On the spiritual side, I've been feeling quite detached... but after going back and reading those entries I feel like God has been listening all along. Yeah... good place to end.