WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
so im up at wmu, and im supposed to be having the best weekend ever, but every time i turn around i see happy couples.... and when i say couples im even including the 2 gay guys we were hanging out with... they were even making me depressed because they have someone, and i dont. and i keep talking to lauren and i know thats not helping me get through this time. i dont know what im doing with my life right now. its like i am trying soo hard, maybe even too hard to find someone, but not to replace her, but so that i dont have time to sit here, and think about how lonely i am, and then realize that i am so fucking lonely sometimes. i dont really realize it when im home that much cuz i work, and go to school, and hang out with the fridays people all the time. but im up here right now, and i see all these happy pepole, and it makes me so fucking depressed. i dont know what i want... i know that i cant be with lauren cuz of all the shit that i have said and done, i wouldnt feel right being with someone that i said all those mean things about. and im looking soo hard to try and find someone, and no matter how much i denyh it, i am looking for someone to replace her, and that isnt what i need either. i cant even imagine what my life would be like if i was away at school this year, with all this time on my hands to think... i would most likely be going home at semester. its just too damn hard, and i dont want to live my life lonely anymore! i need someone, but desperatley searching for someone would be selling myself short, i dont want to end up with a girl that i really dont care about. i want someone that i can feel like i felt last year with. i just want to be happy again... and not lonely like this.... :(