The end,.....and hopefully, a new beginning.
Okay,
So, after harboring what I can only describe as true feelings of love for Mr. Jason Benoit, and baring my soul and heart to him tonight, he told me he just wants to be friends and nothing more. Those words have never hurt me so badly in my life. I love Jason, and will continue to love him, for all eternity. I just now have to deal with the fact that he's a friend and nothing more.
I could get into the whole long story of how it all happened, what brought me to this point, but now I'm just going to use this forum to move on, and heal and grow and thrive into the person I am.
So, as whorish as this sounds, this leaves me many doors open that I will be able to explore more fully.
Greg, my loving, sweet, scared, lonely, true friend. Greg is hurting now more than anyone I know. He lost his soul-mate and life partner, when Saen passed away last month. He is so vulnerable now it's causing me to keep a safe distance between us. I don't want either of our feelings to get mussed up in the others drama. Someday, though, who knows where that will go.
Bryan, the cute little bartender that's strolled into my life here recently. He is much fun, and he stirs my wit, and my curiosity. He is open about his feelings and how he's gotten to the point he's at in his life. He's got goals and dreams, and a stable life. But, I'm scared now of his temper. He told me on Sunday that he almost killed (literally) his ex/roommate, almost choked him to death. And yet, in some twisted way, I respect him for his honesty.
Then there's timid little Jared. (why is everyone 'little' to me?) We've had an odd sort of online friendship. He's an artist, a dancer/singer/actor, and we've flirted, played, and actually had good, intelligent discussions. My interest in him has been peaked here lately as well.
And now, I've opened myself up to John. He's just an 18 year old kid from Uconn. Bio/Chem double major, which to me preaches intelligence, but throws me back to thoughts of my ex, Jonathan. But, he's also a ballroom dancer, 6'5", graceful, and seems VERY into me. But, I wonder, at 18, is he ready for the same level of commitment I'm yearning for? Is he capable?
So, here I am, single, living alone, with an ever growing circle of friends around me that truly love me. Having my "Apartment Warming Party" this weekend really slapped me in the face and showed me how many people truly care about me, and love me. It has made my life a much better place to be. Yes, so I'm over=extending myself living in this place, choosing what bills to pay and not pay, but that's real life.
So from here I go on. And I get to explore what life has to give me. I just have to learn how to embrace the uncertainty of the path I'm on.
God, give me strength!!!
So, after harboring what I can only describe as true feelings of love for Mr. Jason Benoit, and baring my soul and heart to him tonight, he told me he just wants to be friends and nothing more. Those words have never hurt me so badly in my life. I love Jason, and will continue to love him, for all eternity. I just now have to deal with the fact that he's a friend and nothing more.
I could get into the whole long story of how it all happened, what brought me to this point, but now I'm just going to use this forum to move on, and heal and grow and thrive into the person I am.
So, as whorish as this sounds, this leaves me many doors open that I will be able to explore more fully.
Greg, my loving, sweet, scared, lonely, true friend. Greg is hurting now more than anyone I know. He lost his soul-mate and life partner, when Saen passed away last month. He is so vulnerable now it's causing me to keep a safe distance between us. I don't want either of our feelings to get mussed up in the others drama. Someday, though, who knows where that will go.
Bryan, the cute little bartender that's strolled into my life here recently. He is much fun, and he stirs my wit, and my curiosity. He is open about his feelings and how he's gotten to the point he's at in his life. He's got goals and dreams, and a stable life. But, I'm scared now of his temper. He told me on Sunday that he almost killed (literally) his ex/roommate, almost choked him to death. And yet, in some twisted way, I respect him for his honesty.
Then there's timid little Jared. (why is everyone 'little' to me?) We've had an odd sort of online friendship. He's an artist, a dancer/singer/actor, and we've flirted, played, and actually had good, intelligent discussions. My interest in him has been peaked here lately as well.
And now, I've opened myself up to John. He's just an 18 year old kid from Uconn. Bio/Chem double major, which to me preaches intelligence, but throws me back to thoughts of my ex, Jonathan. But, he's also a ballroom dancer, 6'5", graceful, and seems VERY into me. But, I wonder, at 18, is he ready for the same level of commitment I'm yearning for? Is he capable?
So, here I am, single, living alone, with an ever growing circle of friends around me that truly love me. Having my "Apartment Warming Party" this weekend really slapped me in the face and showed me how many people truly care about me, and love me. It has made my life a much better place to be. Yes, so I'm over=extending myself living in this place, choosing what bills to pay and not pay, but that's real life.
So from here I go on. And I get to explore what life has to give me. I just have to learn how to embrace the uncertainty of the path I'm on.
God, give me strength!!!