Lesson IV: Silent Teachers
1.What are the biggest fears you’re facing right now in relation to your breakup? OR the biggest fears you didn’t face during your last relationship? I'm afraid she'd decide to marry and start a family after telling me that was something she didn't want. It was always slightly nebulous with her on this subject, yet she would brag about how old her relatives were in having children.
2. Using the “Fear Setting” exercise I want you to get crystal clear on the truth about your fear. My fear is that she'll decide to change herself to fit her new guy, and choose all the roles I wanted her to choose with me. Lover, Wife, Mother. I was able to get to the first only, and it was sadly all too short.
3. Now flip the script and look at the best case scenario. Come back to this exercise anytime you’re faced with a tough decision. Best case scenario is I act to get her attention again, she reacts positively, and returns to me. But it could drive her closer to him as an act of overcoming obstacles. I dunno.
1. What specific changes are you consciously or unconsciously resisting in your life right now? I'm resisting letting go of the beautiful vision I've created with her over the years. It helped center and guide me, and I feel like I became a more caring person cause of it. I don't want to go back to being an asshole.
2. What beliefs do you have about this change that are causing you to feel this emotion? I'm just sad that all the time, effort, and work I put into my relationship with her, she still just flat dropped me, and chose some guy I'd never even heard of. "He's a very close friend." I know all your very close friends.
3. How can you reframe what’s happened into the best thing that ever happened to you? She is now someone else's concern. I don't have to worry about her, and if she's okay and taken care of. But I still do. It's breaking me.
1. What are the top 3 things about yourself or your past relationship that bring up feelings of shame or guilt? I could never openly share how happy I was, cause we were a side thing of her semi-open relationship. I wanted to hoist her onto my shoulders and tell the world how great I though she was. I felt like I was always sneaking around, and everything I was trying to build was temporary, like I was wasting my time. But I also know her relationship was on unstable ground.
2. WHY do you feel ashamed about those things? I am not ashamed to have loved so deeply, I am shamed to have lost. I felt I had lined myself up to be the next guy. Short breakup window, short single period, then into my arms. I feel no guilt about this at all. Just foolish that I got snaked by another unknown guy. He's an old tool.
3. Can you point to anyone else in the world who faced these same feelings and overcame them? I generally don't follow relationship sagas of others. We each have our own row to hoe.
1. Looking back at your past relationship can you identify one instance where you responded with reactive anger? What did you do? I don't think I have ever let that beast out of the box with her. I generally keep my anger and rage so locked down it might see the light of day every ten years or so. I don't like it at all.
2. How did your anger impact your partner and what was the result of your outburst? The last time I let my anger free I was rageaholic yelling and holding someone by the wrist. I still think about it and regret it. My anger is bottled and expressed in other safe ways because of this.
3. What would it have looked like for you to respond with conscious anger? How might the outcome have been different? I normally respond in a controlled fashion, but in this last example she would have continued to disrespect me. She still never respected me. Some people are not capable of respect.