(no subject)

[jrc3234]

I haven't written in Livejournal since christmas, so its been awhile. Sure there isn't a day or even an hour that goes by when I don't think about it. Easily the most influential person in my life, and whom i've lived with for all 19 years of my life from being the first person to hold me when I was born to being my best friend and someone I could go to and ask anything and there was never an I don't know. He was my best friend, and treated me just as if I were a son of his own. When im by myself and having nobody to talk to I often feel lost without him there. It's a whole bunch of little things that add up that make you miss a person so much, not to mention we were so close and I loved him so dearly. I can't stop thinking about when it happened,it just replay's over and over. I set up my matress next to his hospital bed that was downstairs and I had been with him all day and all night I even left school early that day. And as I went to shut my eyes to get a little rest I heard the shallow breathing. At that point I could no longer sleep.I promised myself id stay with him to the end I knew he would do it for me. He had always sacrificed so much for me. I just sat there with him as the hour passed, I told him it would be okay and I just don't want him in pain any longer and it just got more shallow each breathe. There is no mistaking when it happens, and it was so scary I felt helpless and that I wish I could do something for him. It just feels like there isnt a way to let all of this out at once like I want to. I miss so much already in the back of my mind and it doesnt seem real at times, when I think to myself something as Im driving home from work or school that I have to talk to him about and then I think and realize I can't do that anymore, I have people to talk to, it just will isnt the same. Im just going to miss everything the walks, doing math together for hours because we just end up getting side tracked talking about life and other things, having that person I knew would always be there for me, and how everything I do in my life that would make him proud he'll never be able to see that and to see a smile on his face. I just never thought it would happen, especially when I was young I thought he'd live forever I never thought of death. This is what goes racing though my head all the time and for those of you who have asked me whats wrong thats as best as I can describe. Im sorry I could never come out and just say all this its too hard to bare. Which is why I just say im fine or nothings wrong. I hope this makes sense.

RIP Charles Connors
3/5/34 - 2/8/06
Grandfather..might I even say father, role model, and best friend Ill miss you