21Stories: 02 - Eat them up, yum!
Ramona was just sitting down to a dinner of macaroni and cheese when Gerald came home from his job at the library.
"Oh, hey. I'm going to need rent soon."
"Yeah, I got it. Any mail?"
"No," she said, "It's Sunday, remember? Want some mac 'n cheese?"
"No, thanks, not hungry. Oh!" Gerald opened his backpack and fished around, "I've got the next one for you."
Ramona eyed the pages with some trepidation.
"It's not like that last one, is it?"
"No, I promise it's not," Gerald said.
"So what the hell was that, anyway?"
"Oh, I don't know. I guess I've been reading too much xkcd."
Ramona shook her head, "What have I told you about those stick figures, man? They're out to get you."
It was a cool spring evening when Mark went to the corner market to buy tea
biscuits. He'd just gotten a package of a lovely loose-leaf breakfast tea and
thought that some of those little shortbread thins with chocolate on one side
would be just the thing to make a nice treat. When he got to the market,
though, he was dismayed to discover that they didn't have the shortbread
thins, with or without chocolate. In fact, they didn't have tea biscuits of
any kind.
Dejected, Mark was shuffling towards the door when a young man with a name tag
reading "Bobby" stopped him.
"Excuse me, sir. Did you not find what you were looking for?"
"No, Bobby," Mark said, "I'm afraid not. I was hoping for some lovely tea
biscuits, but you appear to be all out of them."
"Oh, dear," Bobby said, "that is a shame. We may have some biscuits tomorrow.
But today, we do have a lovely bit of fish. With a nice lemon-butter sauce,
it would be just the thing for a light lunch or dinner."
Mark considered for a second. He didn't really want any fish, but the boy
seemed nice.
"I'll give it to you for half price," Bobby said.
"I'll take a half pound," Mark said. He could never refuse a bargain.
The clerk selected some fish, put it into a bag and then put that bag into
another one full of ice. He wrapped the entire package in paper and taped it
shut. Mark took the package home and put it in his refrigerator.
The next day, around first lunch, Mark started thinking that a little fish
with lemon-butter sauce did sound very tasty, and he went to the refrigerator
for his fish. Imagine his consternation, when he unwrapped it and discovered
it was horribly bad and smelly.
Mark felt terrible. He felt like he'd been duped and taken advantage of. He
felt stupid, and he felt like maybe it wasn't entirely his fault. He became
angry, and he took the fish and trotted back to the market, where he stormed
straight to the manager's desk.
"I'd like to return this, please." (Mark stormed very politely, you see.)
"You can't return that," the manager said, "It's far too rotten for us to
accept."
"Yes, you see, that's the problem. Your clerk sold me this fish yesterday,
and obviously, it's not fit for consumption."
"Our clerks are carefully vetted before hiring. None of them would ever dream
of something so underhanded."
"Please accept your fish back, and give me a box of tea biscuits in exchange."
"No, sorry, can't do it. We're all out of tea biscuits at the moment, and we
don't accept returns after they've gone rancid. No place to put them."
Mark thought about this a moment. It was then that the plaque on the wall
caught his eye: Employee of the Month, Bobby Klempf.
"Well, OK," Mark said. "I'm sorry to have bothered you."
Mark took his putrifying seafood and trotted up the street to the nearest
phone booth, where he looked in the 'K' section. There was only one Klempf
there, and the address was nearby.
Mark went home and put the fish in a plastic bag in a bucket of ice in the
garage and passed the rest of the day napping and eating cucumber sandwiches
with his tea.
That night, Mark put on gloves and took the fish to Bobby's address, where he
looked around for someplace to do mischief. He was delighted to discover
that the K-car in the driveway was unlocked. Opening the back driver-side
door very quietly, he carefully placed the troublesome tilapia under the seat.
As he cautiously pushed the door shut, stray cats started gathering around the
car.
Mark skipped off to the all-night supermarket to finally buy himself some tea
biscuits. Along the way, he whistled.
"Oh, hey. I'm going to need rent soon."
"Yeah, I got it. Any mail?"
"No," she said, "It's Sunday, remember? Want some mac 'n cheese?"
"No, thanks, not hungry. Oh!" Gerald opened his backpack and fished around, "I've got the next one for you."
Ramona eyed the pages with some trepidation.
"It's not like that last one, is it?"
"No, I promise it's not," Gerald said.
"So what the hell was that, anyway?"
"Oh, I don't know. I guess I've been reading too much xkcd."
Ramona shook her head, "What have I told you about those stick figures, man? They're out to get you."
It was a cool spring evening when Mark went to the corner market to buy tea
biscuits. He'd just gotten a package of a lovely loose-leaf breakfast tea and
thought that some of those little shortbread thins with chocolate on one side
would be just the thing to make a nice treat. When he got to the market,
though, he was dismayed to discover that they didn't have the shortbread
thins, with or without chocolate. In fact, they didn't have tea biscuits of
any kind.
Dejected, Mark was shuffling towards the door when a young man with a name tag
reading "Bobby" stopped him.
"Excuse me, sir. Did you not find what you were looking for?"
"No, Bobby," Mark said, "I'm afraid not. I was hoping for some lovely tea
biscuits, but you appear to be all out of them."
"Oh, dear," Bobby said, "that is a shame. We may have some biscuits tomorrow.
But today, we do have a lovely bit of fish. With a nice lemon-butter sauce,
it would be just the thing for a light lunch or dinner."
Mark considered for a second. He didn't really want any fish, but the boy
seemed nice.
"I'll give it to you for half price," Bobby said.
"I'll take a half pound," Mark said. He could never refuse a bargain.
The clerk selected some fish, put it into a bag and then put that bag into
another one full of ice. He wrapped the entire package in paper and taped it
shut. Mark took the package home and put it in his refrigerator.
The next day, around first lunch, Mark started thinking that a little fish
with lemon-butter sauce did sound very tasty, and he went to the refrigerator
for his fish. Imagine his consternation, when he unwrapped it and discovered
it was horribly bad and smelly.
Mark felt terrible. He felt like he'd been duped and taken advantage of. He
felt stupid, and he felt like maybe it wasn't entirely his fault. He became
angry, and he took the fish and trotted back to the market, where he stormed
straight to the manager's desk.
"I'd like to return this, please." (Mark stormed very politely, you see.)
"You can't return that," the manager said, "It's far too rotten for us to
accept."
"Yes, you see, that's the problem. Your clerk sold me this fish yesterday,
and obviously, it's not fit for consumption."
"Our clerks are carefully vetted before hiring. None of them would ever dream
of something so underhanded."
"Please accept your fish back, and give me a box of tea biscuits in exchange."
"No, sorry, can't do it. We're all out of tea biscuits at the moment, and we
don't accept returns after they've gone rancid. No place to put them."
Mark thought about this a moment. It was then that the plaque on the wall
caught his eye: Employee of the Month, Bobby Klempf.
"Well, OK," Mark said. "I'm sorry to have bothered you."
Mark took his putrifying seafood and trotted up the street to the nearest
phone booth, where he looked in the 'K' section. There was only one Klempf
there, and the address was nearby.
Mark went home and put the fish in a plastic bag in a bucket of ice in the
garage and passed the rest of the day napping and eating cucumber sandwiches
with his tea.
That night, Mark put on gloves and took the fish to Bobby's address, where he
looked around for someplace to do mischief. He was delighted to discover
that the K-car in the driveway was unlocked. Opening the back driver-side
door very quietly, he carefully placed the troublesome tilapia under the seat.
As he cautiously pushed the door shut, stray cats started gathering around the
car.
Mark skipped off to the all-night supermarket to finally buy himself some tea
biscuits. Along the way, he whistled.