I miss her bear-hugs the most...
When we left the theater to once again board the buses, the head counsellors seemed in an unusually bad mood. I was not the only one that suspected something, for as we travelled up the muddy, windy roads back to camp, the buses were abuzz with the CITs’(counsellor in training) gossip. By the time we arrived back at the campus, the CITs’ all felt very important, as we had figured out what was going on. We had heard that a convict had escaped from their cell and returned to French Woods, the sanctuary of their childhood, swimming across the lake and meeting a present counsellor. What I saw when I stepped onto the crunchy gravel of the parking lot however, caught me by surprise. Mike was helping campers off of the bus and directing them towards the Pavilion, the largest theater on campus. Now let me explain something, Mike has never once come onto campus during his day off in all 8 years I had attended French Woods.
“What’s going on Mike?“, I asked as I stepped off the bus.
“Help get your kids to the Pavillion and I’ll be over as soon as I can to talk to you.“ he said with a reassuring pat on my shoulder, “Ok man?“
I was left with the assumption that the convict had been a past camper of Mike’s and continued on my way.
“Do you know what’s going on?“ asked one of my 12 year old campers.
“Yeah I do, just keep going and you’ll find out at the meeting“
As I walked towards the theater, I grew more and more uneasy. I recalled the previous year when a music director that I had known in passing died suddenly of an aneurism. The entire campus was called to the Pavillion immediately, and the director of the camp informed us. That couldn’t have happened again, I would have heard. I passed someone crying on the stairs of the office, a counsellor that had attended the camp first as a camper and now as a counsellor, for a combined total of 10 years. Somber head counsellors littered the path, each of them appreciatively nodding at me with a weak smile when I offered to assist each one, as though my efforts were in vain. Then, suddenly from the red porch of the visual arts center, a high clear voice called out my name. It was Lindsay, a pretty, petite, blonde girl who I had become fairly close with in the past week. For a moment as she ran to catch up to me, I forgot about the unsettling mood surrounding me.
“Hey, how was your morning?“, I said.
“Fine, did you hear what happened?“
“Well I heard something about a convict or something... but I’m not sure. I’m about to find out in the Pavillion“
I faded off as she put her hand on my arm, stopping me gently. My ankle throbbed. Another friend of mine, Richard, came next to me patting me on the back and said, “Are you ok man?“
“Yeah I’m cool man, I just wanna know what’s going on“
Lindsay spoke, “Jess, I think you need to know before you go in there.“
“You already know? How?“
“Upper campus already had the meeting while you guys were at the movie“
As she looked at me, I suddenly became very aware of my body. I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins, my heart palpitating, and my cold hands. My ankle’s throbbing intensified. I managed to croak, “What happened?“
“There was a car accident last night“ said Lindsay.
“Oh my God!“ I retorted, “That’s awful!“ The throbbing in my ankle stopped for a moment. For an instant, I felt relieved. There was not a sudden death. No aneurism. Probably one of the foreign counsellors crashing a camp van into a tree, or a camper partaking in a prank that got out of hand.
“What happened exactly? Is everyone ok? What happened to the car?“
“There were three counsellors in the car.“, she answered. “They were driving back from the country club last night.“ I began to feel nervous again, the total awareness of my body returned, as well as the throbbing in my ankle. The country club was the bar down the road from the camp. There was always drinking there, and the stories that came back were always wild.
“The car went over the side of the road, it’s totaled.“ she continued, “They took all three of them to the hospital in pretty bad shape... They couldn’t do anything for two of them, they died before they made it to the hospital...“
The first punch to the head. There had been a death at French Woods for the second year in a row, and this time there were two fatalities. I was shocked beyond belief. My ankle’s throbbing accelerated quicker and quicker until the individual pulses was no longer distinguishable, there was just constant pain.
“Oh my God! Did you know any of them?“
“No, I think that one worked in video, and one in circus“
The second punch. The awareness of my body ceased, everything became numb. I knew someone from the crash. It had to have been someone new to the country... someone that didn’t understand English completely, that made a stupid decision to get into a car with a drunk driver.
“Who was the person from circus?“
“Dina Goldstone“
“Holy shit... what happened to the video and skate park guys?“ I asked.
“I don’t know that many details,“ she said softly,“I just know that one of them is in the hospital, and they just got his status to stable“
Wait... that didn’t add up. If either the video guy or the skateboarder was stable, it meant that only one person died, I asked her.
“Wait, what about Dina, is she stable yet?“
“Jesse...“ she said with a look of pain and sympathy, “Dina died.“
The third punch. Knockout.
It was though the air was sucked out of me. There was someone strangling me. I was getting punched in the head, kicked in the crotch, slugged in the gut, kneed in the tailbone, and having your heart stop all at the same time. There was a black hole where my heart once was, and it was sucking the rest of me into it. Life moved in slow motion. It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. I tried to talk but no sound came out. On the second try I managed to whisper hoarsely,
“What...“
I looked into Lindsay’s eyes. There was an expression of utter misery and hopelessness on her face. There were no words. I saw Richard still standing there looking at me, his face full of anguish. Still in slow motion, Lindsay took my hand. I knew her hand was warmer than mine, but I felt nothing. On the verge of tears she said, “I’m so sorry“, and hugged me. I could not lift my arms or react in any way to her embrace. When she broke away, I looked into her eyes again, hoping that there was some flicker of doubt, some possibility that she was confused, that Dina had survived as well... but there was nothing. Just the sympathy, the anguish, the brimming tears. Then suddenly the numbness ended in my ankle and it finally gave in. I collapsed into Lindsay’s arms weeping, feeling utter despair, not being able to stop it or control it. People were staring, some that were still making their way to the Pavilion stopped and asked if I were ok, patted me on the back, refusing to leave until Richard asked them to. I didn’t want anyone else there. Only Lindsay and Richard, only they understood what I was feeling... Slowly, Lindsay and Richard supported my weight as they moved me tenderly towards the Pavilion, my legs obediently moving. Those that had already heard the news knew at once when I passed that I had found out. Mike was at the entrance to the theater. When he saw me, he realized that I knew, and his face changed. It was when I saw him that I knew that this was real, it had actually happened. Suddenly I knew that he truly understood the loss, hopelessness, and agony I was feeling. He gave me a short but warm hug and said that he’d be right with me as soon as everyone was in the theater. Blindly, Lindsay led me to a bench in the front row of the theater next to the stage as I whimpered tearfully, my worried campers all looking at me. The director of the camp told lower campus. A wail arose from the theater. After the announcement, Mike came over to me, “Now you know what it takes for me to come in on my day off.“ he said. I fell into his arms and a fresh wave of tears hit me. We walked down to the circus. What should have taken 5 minutes took 30. My ankle no longer throbbed, I couldn’t feel anything. While we slowly journeyed down the hill, close friends of mine, and people that were close with Dina joined in silence. As we walked, down the path of rock, dirt, and gravel to the circus, the only noises heard were that of tears and sniffling with a tearful moan every few minutes. We sat in the circus for what seemed like forever.
“What’s going on Mike?“, I asked as I stepped off the bus.
“Help get your kids to the Pavillion and I’ll be over as soon as I can to talk to you.“ he said with a reassuring pat on my shoulder, “Ok man?“
I was left with the assumption that the convict had been a past camper of Mike’s and continued on my way.
“Do you know what’s going on?“ asked one of my 12 year old campers.
“Yeah I do, just keep going and you’ll find out at the meeting“
As I walked towards the theater, I grew more and more uneasy. I recalled the previous year when a music director that I had known in passing died suddenly of an aneurism. The entire campus was called to the Pavillion immediately, and the director of the camp informed us. That couldn’t have happened again, I would have heard. I passed someone crying on the stairs of the office, a counsellor that had attended the camp first as a camper and now as a counsellor, for a combined total of 10 years. Somber head counsellors littered the path, each of them appreciatively nodding at me with a weak smile when I offered to assist each one, as though my efforts were in vain. Then, suddenly from the red porch of the visual arts center, a high clear voice called out my name. It was Lindsay, a pretty, petite, blonde girl who I had become fairly close with in the past week. For a moment as she ran to catch up to me, I forgot about the unsettling mood surrounding me.
“Hey, how was your morning?“, I said.
“Fine, did you hear what happened?“
“Well I heard something about a convict or something... but I’m not sure. I’m about to find out in the Pavillion“
I faded off as she put her hand on my arm, stopping me gently. My ankle throbbed. Another friend of mine, Richard, came next to me patting me on the back and said, “Are you ok man?“
“Yeah I’m cool man, I just wanna know what’s going on“
Lindsay spoke, “Jess, I think you need to know before you go in there.“
“You already know? How?“
“Upper campus already had the meeting while you guys were at the movie“
As she looked at me, I suddenly became very aware of my body. I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins, my heart palpitating, and my cold hands. My ankle’s throbbing intensified. I managed to croak, “What happened?“
“There was a car accident last night“ said Lindsay.
“Oh my God!“ I retorted, “That’s awful!“ The throbbing in my ankle stopped for a moment. For an instant, I felt relieved. There was not a sudden death. No aneurism. Probably one of the foreign counsellors crashing a camp van into a tree, or a camper partaking in a prank that got out of hand.
“What happened exactly? Is everyone ok? What happened to the car?“
“There were three counsellors in the car.“, she answered. “They were driving back from the country club last night.“ I began to feel nervous again, the total awareness of my body returned, as well as the throbbing in my ankle. The country club was the bar down the road from the camp. There was always drinking there, and the stories that came back were always wild.
“The car went over the side of the road, it’s totaled.“ she continued, “They took all three of them to the hospital in pretty bad shape... They couldn’t do anything for two of them, they died before they made it to the hospital...“
The first punch to the head. There had been a death at French Woods for the second year in a row, and this time there were two fatalities. I was shocked beyond belief. My ankle’s throbbing accelerated quicker and quicker until the individual pulses was no longer distinguishable, there was just constant pain.
“Oh my God! Did you know any of them?“
“No, I think that one worked in video, and one in circus“
The second punch. The awareness of my body ceased, everything became numb. I knew someone from the crash. It had to have been someone new to the country... someone that didn’t understand English completely, that made a stupid decision to get into a car with a drunk driver.
“Who was the person from circus?“
“Dina Goldstone“
“Holy shit... what happened to the video and skate park guys?“ I asked.
“I don’t know that many details,“ she said softly,“I just know that one of them is in the hospital, and they just got his status to stable“
Wait... that didn’t add up. If either the video guy or the skateboarder was stable, it meant that only one person died, I asked her.
“Wait, what about Dina, is she stable yet?“
“Jesse...“ she said with a look of pain and sympathy, “Dina died.“
The third punch. Knockout.
It was though the air was sucked out of me. There was someone strangling me. I was getting punched in the head, kicked in the crotch, slugged in the gut, kneed in the tailbone, and having your heart stop all at the same time. There was a black hole where my heart once was, and it was sucking the rest of me into it. Life moved in slow motion. It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. I tried to talk but no sound came out. On the second try I managed to whisper hoarsely,
“What...“
I looked into Lindsay’s eyes. There was an expression of utter misery and hopelessness on her face. There were no words. I saw Richard still standing there looking at me, his face full of anguish. Still in slow motion, Lindsay took my hand. I knew her hand was warmer than mine, but I felt nothing. On the verge of tears she said, “I’m so sorry“, and hugged me. I could not lift my arms or react in any way to her embrace. When she broke away, I looked into her eyes again, hoping that there was some flicker of doubt, some possibility that she was confused, that Dina had survived as well... but there was nothing. Just the sympathy, the anguish, the brimming tears. Then suddenly the numbness ended in my ankle and it finally gave in. I collapsed into Lindsay’s arms weeping, feeling utter despair, not being able to stop it or control it. People were staring, some that were still making their way to the Pavilion stopped and asked if I were ok, patted me on the back, refusing to leave until Richard asked them to. I didn’t want anyone else there. Only Lindsay and Richard, only they understood what I was feeling... Slowly, Lindsay and Richard supported my weight as they moved me tenderly towards the Pavilion, my legs obediently moving. Those that had already heard the news knew at once when I passed that I had found out. Mike was at the entrance to the theater. When he saw me, he realized that I knew, and his face changed. It was when I saw him that I knew that this was real, it had actually happened. Suddenly I knew that he truly understood the loss, hopelessness, and agony I was feeling. He gave me a short but warm hug and said that he’d be right with me as soon as everyone was in the theater. Blindly, Lindsay led me to a bench in the front row of the theater next to the stage as I whimpered tearfully, my worried campers all looking at me. The director of the camp told lower campus. A wail arose from the theater. After the announcement, Mike came over to me, “Now you know what it takes for me to come in on my day off.“ he said. I fell into his arms and a fresh wave of tears hit me. We walked down to the circus. What should have taken 5 minutes took 30. My ankle no longer throbbed, I couldn’t feel anything. While we slowly journeyed down the hill, close friends of mine, and people that were close with Dina joined in silence. As we walked, down the path of rock, dirt, and gravel to the circus, the only noises heard were that of tears and sniffling with a tearful moan every few minutes. We sat in the circus for what seemed like forever.