About Jumpers
AIIGHT, so if you have ANYTHING else to do (like, oh say,have a colonoscopy) rather than go see the "action/adventure"-WASTE OF TIME-"Jumpers"- y'all aught to just go right ahead and do that, because let me tell you poor, unsuspecting, visual consumers you can't get this hour and a half back. I should begin with the film's only possible saving grace - and it's only a saving grace if you are a gay man who has pedophilic tendencies - and that grace is that you get to spend maybe the first twelve minutes (or so) of the movie entertaining naughty naughty thoughts about Max Thieriot (and I will forgo being any more vivid than that)...but once that twelve minutes is gone, if you get up and go sneak into "First Sunday" you would be much better off.
Not since "Episode I, II or III" has there been a phantome menace of an an actor who sucks as much as Hayden Christensen - what's the word I'm looking for - SUCK! - It seems that I have developed certain feeling's for Hayden Christensen. And that feeling is in the same neighborhood as MAKES ME WANT TO WRETCH! Had he only taken some of the money he stole from the producers of the "Episode" trilogy and bought acting lessons, or a medically assisted suicide, he could be forgiven. There has rarely been a movie during which the desire to punch the leading actor in the face has ever been so strong...and I don't mean, like once, I mean ALL of the time. He has mastered pathetic, and distilled it like a fine wine from the Mogan David vineyard. I'm pretty sure that the director must have just said, "Okay, look lost or surprised or...okay...just don't talk so much." But I should waste no more time or words on this sad sad boy out of which some producers in Hollywood seem insistent on wanting to make a leading man. And, really, they shouldn't. He's not as pretty as Ryan Philipe. He doesn't have any of the charm of Jude Law. Fred Savage is a more engaging an actor. And I know Dixie cups with more talent.
On to the story...
Okay, now we're done with that.
Perhaps I am being unfair, what I aught to have said was - there is no witty way of expressing the sadness that is this ridiculous attempt at a plot-line, within which exist these dumb-assed characters, about which no audience member could possibly care less. Wait, let me give you the highlight, the rich Dawson's Creek/ O.C./ any-couple-on-the-CW/ could-they-be any-more-generic milk-toast/ there's-not-one-interesting-thing-about-this-couple ...goes to Rome. And there are pretty pictures of the Coliseum.
Then there is a fight scene in the Coliseum that was almost interesting - but then it too failed. There was nothing that hadn't been done in a million other films before this one - and hadn't been done better. Let me give you an example...you know how the only interesting thing about "X-3" was the way the creators and cinematographers expressed Nightcrawler's teleportation ability...well this film steals that. I don't mean that their theft is a close approximation. I mean that it's the exact same freakin' effect. AND since it was one of the ONLY interesting things about "X-3", seeing it OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again in this movie...well, let's just say it sort of loses something after the first 20 times it happens.
I think the jumps to all of the neat locations was supposed to be cool and hip. You know how that worked in so many many films before this one? Well, yeah, in this one, not so much. The sexiness of speed and fast editing that worked so well in "The Fast and the Furious," the smoking hot soundtrack that supported the style of that movie, well it's pretty clear that "Jumpers" did it's best to imitate that style and FAILED. But it's also pretty clear what they were trying to rip off.
Let's move on -
I could care less about some scrawny , Angelina Jolie lipped, white kid who comes from a "dysfunctional" family. So what, that he has no friends and his Dad yells at him. Let's be clear about this - at no point does this film actually become interesting enough to allow us to see the "father" commit any act of violence against his son. This film tells us that the father drinks, and that his wife left him, and oh isn't life sad for this poor poor man who yells at his son, and breaks down his son's bedroom door. I'm not suggesting that this sort of thing doesn't happen to doe eyed, big lipped, pretty, faux-mo, white boys, but I am saying that this film wasn't actually brave enough to allow the audience to see their heroin/hero ever actually man-up to the threat of fatherly violence. We never see him stand up to his dad (although beating the crap out of Sam Jackson...the black father figure...falls remarkably high on his list of things to do) , but we somehow still manage to get this punk-assed crying over his dying daddy scene - which the film simply does not earn.
And Sam...Sam...shame on you, Sam. You whore! I was convinced that after "Snakes on a Plane..." I laughed, as I imagined you laughing as you walked to the bank. I knew that you got the joke. And I was happy. I knew all was right with the world. And then I saw this and my heart fell. I was a little afraid that unlike with "Snakes...", I was afraid that this time...well, this time it's just not as clear that you might know (And you aught to know!) that you are in one bad bad joke of a movie...I mean, Hayden Christensen? Keanu Reeves I could understand, but Hayden? Really? Dude, it's a joke...and it's like no one involved with this project knows how ridiculous the joke is. But maybe they do. I mean this fleecing of the - we're damn near in a recession and I can't believe you jack asses wasted money on a project like this, we're not as rich as you film industry motherfuckers...okay, I get the joke, and it goes like this - the Hollywood film industry no longer even feels the need to make a valid attempt. They can put out any steaming crap on a stick and somehow $10 is still a reasonable price to to see... I can't even finish...but the joke goes like that.
Okay, last thing - which I just think is hilarious - the casting agent has a serious hard-on for one particular woman and, God help her, if his pathos verging on mania ever becomes violent. Except for Diane Lane (Shame on you too Diane!) all the women in this film look exactly alike. It's really creepy. And there's another funny scene that's shot in front of a closet, that - if you look at the height of the bar in the closet - makes the actress appear to be about 4 feet tall.
There now, I have put much more effort into writing this review than this film is worth. I would have to cut my fingers off before I could give this film the rating it deserves.
Not since "Episode I, II or III" has there been a phantome menace of an an actor who sucks as much as Hayden Christensen - what's the word I'm looking for - SUCK! - It seems that I have developed certain feeling's for Hayden Christensen. And that feeling is in the same neighborhood as MAKES ME WANT TO WRETCH! Had he only taken some of the money he stole from the producers of the "Episode" trilogy and bought acting lessons, or a medically assisted suicide, he could be forgiven. There has rarely been a movie during which the desire to punch the leading actor in the face has ever been so strong...and I don't mean, like once, I mean ALL of the time. He has mastered pathetic, and distilled it like a fine wine from the Mogan David vineyard. I'm pretty sure that the director must have just said, "Okay, look lost or surprised or...okay...just don't talk so much." But I should waste no more time or words on this sad sad boy out of which some producers in Hollywood seem insistent on wanting to make a leading man. And, really, they shouldn't. He's not as pretty as Ryan Philipe. He doesn't have any of the charm of Jude Law. Fred Savage is a more engaging an actor. And I know Dixie cups with more talent.
On to the story...
Okay, now we're done with that.
Perhaps I am being unfair, what I aught to have said was - there is no witty way of expressing the sadness that is this ridiculous attempt at a plot-line, within which exist these dumb-assed characters, about which no audience member could possibly care less. Wait, let me give you the highlight, the rich Dawson's Creek/ O.C./ any-couple-on-the-CW/ could-they-be any-more-generic milk-toast/ there's-not-one-interesting-thing-about-this-couple ...goes to Rome. And there are pretty pictures of the Coliseum.
Then there is a fight scene in the Coliseum that was almost interesting - but then it too failed. There was nothing that hadn't been done in a million other films before this one - and hadn't been done better. Let me give you an example...you know how the only interesting thing about "X-3" was the way the creators and cinematographers expressed Nightcrawler's teleportation ability...well this film steals that. I don't mean that their theft is a close approximation. I mean that it's the exact same freakin' effect. AND since it was one of the ONLY interesting things about "X-3", seeing it OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again in this movie...well, let's just say it sort of loses something after the first 20 times it happens.
I think the jumps to all of the neat locations was supposed to be cool and hip. You know how that worked in so many many films before this one? Well, yeah, in this one, not so much. The sexiness of speed and fast editing that worked so well in "The Fast and the Furious," the smoking hot soundtrack that supported the style of that movie, well it's pretty clear that "Jumpers" did it's best to imitate that style and FAILED. But it's also pretty clear what they were trying to rip off.
Let's move on -
I could care less about some scrawny , Angelina Jolie lipped, white kid who comes from a "dysfunctional" family. So what, that he has no friends and his Dad yells at him. Let's be clear about this - at no point does this film actually become interesting enough to allow us to see the "father" commit any act of violence against his son. This film tells us that the father drinks, and that his wife left him, and oh isn't life sad for this poor poor man who yells at his son, and breaks down his son's bedroom door. I'm not suggesting that this sort of thing doesn't happen to doe eyed, big lipped, pretty, faux-mo, white boys, but I am saying that this film wasn't actually brave enough to allow the audience to see their heroin/hero ever actually man-up to the threat of fatherly violence. We never see him stand up to his dad (although beating the crap out of Sam Jackson...the black father figure...falls remarkably high on his list of things to do) , but we somehow still manage to get this punk-assed crying over his dying daddy scene - which the film simply does not earn.
And Sam...Sam...shame on you, Sam. You whore! I was convinced that after "Snakes on a Plane..." I laughed, as I imagined you laughing as you walked to the bank. I knew that you got the joke. And I was happy. I knew all was right with the world. And then I saw this and my heart fell. I was a little afraid that unlike with "Snakes...", I was afraid that this time...well, this time it's just not as clear that you might know (And you aught to know!) that you are in one bad bad joke of a movie...I mean, Hayden Christensen? Keanu Reeves I could understand, but Hayden? Really? Dude, it's a joke...and it's like no one involved with this project knows how ridiculous the joke is. But maybe they do. I mean this fleecing of the - we're damn near in a recession and I can't believe you jack asses wasted money on a project like this, we're not as rich as you film industry motherfuckers...okay, I get the joke, and it goes like this - the Hollywood film industry no longer even feels the need to make a valid attempt. They can put out any steaming crap on a stick and somehow $10 is still a reasonable price to to see... I can't even finish...but the joke goes like that.
Okay, last thing - which I just think is hilarious - the casting agent has a serious hard-on for one particular woman and, God help her, if his pathos verging on mania ever becomes violent. Except for Diane Lane (Shame on you too Diane!) all the women in this film look exactly alike. It's really creepy. And there's another funny scene that's shot in front of a closet, that - if you look at the height of the bar in the closet - makes the actress appear to be about 4 feet tall.
There now, I have put much more effort into writing this review than this film is worth. I would have to cut my fingers off before I could give this film the rating it deserves.