(no subject)
WHO AM I ?!
i have come to the conclussion that i determine who i am by the people around me. this is truly sad. but what is even more truly depressing is that i know i will not change this mindset. If i could i know then i would be happy but that is not who i am. since i was young i have always strived for attention from others. Their opinions and comments about me are what have shaped everything i do and so in a sense they have shaped my life. I feel that on a daily basis i have to gain validity for my own existence. This is why i put so much of my time and effort in to meeting new people. They are just more people for me try and gain exceptence from when past people fail to give it to me. Going to bed on a regular basis not feeling even remotely fulfilled with your day is somethign that eats away at you. I feel like i am destined to work at a post office and that one day im just going to crack and walk in with an uzi and just unload. and people will say "i cant believe he'd do that" "he was always such a nice boy" "no one hated him" "he had so much going for him at one time, what could have gone wrong." I now understand that nothing just happens. No one wakes up and just goes "hey im going to go kill someone today, or Im going to go blow somethig up" everything has a gradual build up. I swear one day someone is going to make one too many comments and Ill snap. Man i sound like a madman. I think ill scare everyone off. oh well... no wait! dont go.. you havent told me im funny, or a great listener, or your "best guyfriend" yet. What would a conversation between me and someone else be without that crap. Not one that i know of. I swear Im going to be 45 single, but oh no not alone. I dont think that. Ill have alot of friends. They will consist of all females abotu my age two who have their own familes and lives but still want to talk to me cause well i mean, "Jeff is such a great guy, he's always around when i need someone to talk to. Too bad he never got married tho. I really thought it would happen for him. I mean everyone always told im hed make some girl really happy one day. I wonder where that girl is. Ah well she probably married some other guy. eff never really could get around to telling anyone how he feels about them. oh well too bad. Girls never really did lieke him like that anyways. Maybe its better he didnt get his heart broken by some girl." Ok seriously i dont know what im talking about. I am just rambling at this point. but right now it seems to make sense in my head. this is the random shit that goes through my mind 24 hours a day. even when im smiling. theres alwayd doubt. extreme doubt. like everyone i know are just actors who pretend to be my friends and then one day will just say fuck it i cant take this crap anymore and get up and leave. and then one by one everyone will leave until only one person remains and right before they are about to get up and wlak out too i ask them what is going on and they just point behind me... Ill look back at a wall i thought was solid and instead see a soundstage and camera crew who are abotu to quite themselves. oh man i dont know. im out. ive said more fucked up shit right now then i probably should have.
I have a friend, he
i have come to the conclussion that i determine who i am by the people around me. this is truly sad. but what is even more truly depressing is that i know i will not change this mindset. If i could i know then i would be happy but that is not who i am. since i was young i have always strived for attention from others. Their opinions and comments about me are what have shaped everything i do and so in a sense they have shaped my life. I feel that on a daily basis i have to gain validity for my own existence. This is why i put so much of my time and effort in to meeting new people. They are just more people for me try and gain exceptence from when past people fail to give it to me. Going to bed on a regular basis not feeling even remotely fulfilled with your day is somethign that eats away at you. I feel like i am destined to work at a post office and that one day im just going to crack and walk in with an uzi and just unload. and people will say "i cant believe he'd do that" "he was always such a nice boy" "no one hated him" "he had so much going for him at one time, what could have gone wrong." I now understand that nothing just happens. No one wakes up and just goes "hey im going to go kill someone today, or Im going to go blow somethig up" everything has a gradual build up. I swear one day someone is going to make one too many comments and Ill snap. Man i sound like a madman. I think ill scare everyone off. oh well... no wait! dont go.. you havent told me im funny, or a great listener, or your "best guyfriend" yet. What would a conversation between me and someone else be without that crap. Not one that i know of. I swear Im going to be 45 single, but oh no not alone. I dont think that. Ill have alot of friends. They will consist of all females abotu my age two who have their own familes and lives but still want to talk to me cause well i mean, "Jeff is such a great guy, he's always around when i need someone to talk to. Too bad he never got married tho. I really thought it would happen for him. I mean everyone always told im hed make some girl really happy one day. I wonder where that girl is. Ah well she probably married some other guy. eff never really could get around to telling anyone how he feels about them. oh well too bad. Girls never really did lieke him like that anyways. Maybe its better he didnt get his heart broken by some girl." Ok seriously i dont know what im talking about. I am just rambling at this point. but right now it seems to make sense in my head. this is the random shit that goes through my mind 24 hours a day. even when im smiling. theres alwayd doubt. extreme doubt. like everyone i know are just actors who pretend to be my friends and then one day will just say fuck it i cant take this crap anymore and get up and leave. and then one by one everyone will leave until only one person remains and right before they are about to get up and wlak out too i ask them what is going on and they just point behind me... Ill look back at a wall i thought was solid and instead see a soundstage and camera crew who are abotu to quite themselves. oh man i dont know. im out. ive said more fucked up shit right now then i probably should have.
I have a friend, he