A three course meal of Past, Present, and Future
i feel its time to reflect on this summer and also how I'm feeling about going back to ISU. Going into this summer i honestly had no idea what to expect. i mean its my first summer home from college and after having all this independence it was time to live under my moms rules again. well for the msot part her and i have gotten along better than before i left. man i was a cranky, irritable high school senior. my mom pretty much leaves me to my own business so no real complaints there from me.
Coming into this summer i was also worried about how my close friends and i would be. would we be how was had always been or would the yr apart change us too much. well there is no doubt we are not the people we were when we left for school. at first glance an onlooker would think we had not undergone any great change but its jsut the little things that only clsoe friends pick up on that give away our maturing. some of the conversatiosn we have had would never have taken place last summer. some of them wouldnt even have entered our minds. its nice coming home and knowing you belong to something that wouldnt be the same without you in it. this leads me into my biggest anxiety about going back to school. no its not my upcoming week of hell that is going to be ever so much fun, but its how am i goign to get by being away from my closest friends. last summer i couldnt wait to go to school. dont get me wrong i knew id miss my close friends and all but i was dying to meet new people. i needed to just go out and have fun and not think about stepping on peoples toes. well this summer i realized that at school i dont have any friends that come close to being in the same comfort level as my friends here at home. it jsut means so much to me that there are people i can call or just show up at the house and do ABSOLUTELY nothing with and it be the greatest part of my whole week. i mean for gods sake i played monopoly and clue tonight. there would be no way in hell that would have happened at school this last yr. none. and to me thats sad. this is why i felt so hollow last yr at school. i didnt feel like a complete person. i studied and partied. but for anyone who really knows me those are two thigns that are not my biggest priorities. i crave a stable, well somewhat stable, group of friends around me who i can just be myself with; who can entertain me during those moments between studying and partying, that i refer to as the real world. the conversations i have had this summer about pointless things are what makes moments in my life, permanent memories.
tonight kimmy, lau, and I had a conversation that weve had before a number of times but for some reason it just felt so much mroe real this time. maybe its the knowledge of a yr at school but whatever it was it made me want ot be away at school with them more than anything. you see lauren, kimmy, and dawn are living together this yr in an apartment at Iowa. Iowa was one of my top choices for schools but the money became an issue so im at ISU. well the convo started by them talkign about their apartment and me saying something along the liens of, " girls you know if i went to iowa id be over at your place soo much youd get sick of me." in turn kimmy replies, " jeff if you went to Iowa youd actually be living with us." and the thing is. most likely i would. i love those girls. there isnt anything i wouldnt do for them. the funny thig about this is i know all our parents wouldnt care cause they know how close we are. i made i joke tho saying how if i did live with 3 girls you knwo how many people would probably assume i was gay. i mean come on, 3 girls, 1 guy, no hooking up going on.. its like a bad sitcom on Fox. but anyways.... i just wish those girls were at school with me. good times would be had.
Now i can go into the whole california thing but i wont. you have all read alot about that and know my stance. What conclussion i have come to tho about ISU, and Phi Sig specifically, is that if i do stay i knwo ill either wind up being completely involved in the going ons of the hosue or not at all. for me there will be no middle ground. that i can gaurantee right now. i think this next yr will determine that.
ive been focusing so much on my future this summer. and not like the next 3 yrs future but like my entire life. the paths ill choose and where they will lead me. will i stay on the beaten path or choose the road less traveled, i couldnt tell you. what type of girl will I end up with? will i even be with someone in the next 5 yrs.. 10yrs.. ever? will i have et her in college or will it be some spontaneous meeting yrs after school? i think i need to figure myself alittle more tho before i bring someone into my life. i know this doesnt sound like me but maybe its for the best. or maybe im just telling myself this to move on.. who knows..? the real question should eb tho is my future even going to be here in Illinois. or maybe california. or who knows where else. i hear seattle is nice this time of yr. haha. I just dont know. i wish i did. but what i do know is that even tho i dont know where ill be even a yr from now i do know i wont let something good, possibly one of the greatest things pass me by. ill live my life now and deal with whatever occurs later on down the road. caus eif i dont ill never know and that wouldnt be fair to myself. No Regrets. you hear me No Regrets for me anymore. two words to live by even tho i know i havent.
the time has come for me to say goodnight but not goodbye...
till future times when i will lay and wonder how my life will pass me by....
jeffreymichaelrawls
Coming into this summer i was also worried about how my close friends and i would be. would we be how was had always been or would the yr apart change us too much. well there is no doubt we are not the people we were when we left for school. at first glance an onlooker would think we had not undergone any great change but its jsut the little things that only clsoe friends pick up on that give away our maturing. some of the conversatiosn we have had would never have taken place last summer. some of them wouldnt even have entered our minds. its nice coming home and knowing you belong to something that wouldnt be the same without you in it. this leads me into my biggest anxiety about going back to school. no its not my upcoming week of hell that is going to be ever so much fun, but its how am i goign to get by being away from my closest friends. last summer i couldnt wait to go to school. dont get me wrong i knew id miss my close friends and all but i was dying to meet new people. i needed to just go out and have fun and not think about stepping on peoples toes. well this summer i realized that at school i dont have any friends that come close to being in the same comfort level as my friends here at home. it jsut means so much to me that there are people i can call or just show up at the house and do ABSOLUTELY nothing with and it be the greatest part of my whole week. i mean for gods sake i played monopoly and clue tonight. there would be no way in hell that would have happened at school this last yr. none. and to me thats sad. this is why i felt so hollow last yr at school. i didnt feel like a complete person. i studied and partied. but for anyone who really knows me those are two thigns that are not my biggest priorities. i crave a stable, well somewhat stable, group of friends around me who i can just be myself with; who can entertain me during those moments between studying and partying, that i refer to as the real world. the conversations i have had this summer about pointless things are what makes moments in my life, permanent memories.
tonight kimmy, lau, and I had a conversation that weve had before a number of times but for some reason it just felt so much mroe real this time. maybe its the knowledge of a yr at school but whatever it was it made me want ot be away at school with them more than anything. you see lauren, kimmy, and dawn are living together this yr in an apartment at Iowa. Iowa was one of my top choices for schools but the money became an issue so im at ISU. well the convo started by them talkign about their apartment and me saying something along the liens of, " girls you know if i went to iowa id be over at your place soo much youd get sick of me." in turn kimmy replies, " jeff if you went to Iowa youd actually be living with us." and the thing is. most likely i would. i love those girls. there isnt anything i wouldnt do for them. the funny thig about this is i know all our parents wouldnt care cause they know how close we are. i made i joke tho saying how if i did live with 3 girls you knwo how many people would probably assume i was gay. i mean come on, 3 girls, 1 guy, no hooking up going on.. its like a bad sitcom on Fox. but anyways.... i just wish those girls were at school with me. good times would be had.
Now i can go into the whole california thing but i wont. you have all read alot about that and know my stance. What conclussion i have come to tho about ISU, and Phi Sig specifically, is that if i do stay i knwo ill either wind up being completely involved in the going ons of the hosue or not at all. for me there will be no middle ground. that i can gaurantee right now. i think this next yr will determine that.
ive been focusing so much on my future this summer. and not like the next 3 yrs future but like my entire life. the paths ill choose and where they will lead me. will i stay on the beaten path or choose the road less traveled, i couldnt tell you. what type of girl will I end up with? will i even be with someone in the next 5 yrs.. 10yrs.. ever? will i have et her in college or will it be some spontaneous meeting yrs after school? i think i need to figure myself alittle more tho before i bring someone into my life. i know this doesnt sound like me but maybe its for the best. or maybe im just telling myself this to move on.. who knows..? the real question should eb tho is my future even going to be here in Illinois. or maybe california. or who knows where else. i hear seattle is nice this time of yr. haha. I just dont know. i wish i did. but what i do know is that even tho i dont know where ill be even a yr from now i do know i wont let something good, possibly one of the greatest things pass me by. ill live my life now and deal with whatever occurs later on down the road. caus eif i dont ill never know and that wouldnt be fair to myself. No Regrets. you hear me No Regrets for me anymore. two words to live by even tho i know i havent.
the time has come for me to say goodnight but not goodbye...
till future times when i will lay and wonder how my life will pass me by....
jeffreymichaelrawls