If only my heart followed the logic my brain does...
It would make my life so much easier... seriously...
It's the one aspect of my life that I am still unable to grasp. Emotional attachments... sure, I've had them... but every time it always ends up with me being useless when such an attachment ends... even if it's not for that long.
I've always been the boy with the crystal heart... such a fragile thing, so easily broken.
You would think that at some point my heart would take the same stance my brain has and just get over it... get over fanciful dreams... thoughts... but it hasn't... and I know now that it never will... for now I'll never be able to get rid of that little pesky bit of humanity that still haunts me.
In my mind I'm done with emotions... in my heart... that silly little place where the "me" of many years ago... a long time ago... still lives.
Nobody I know now has ever actually met that person... sure, many of you have seen a side of me that is contrary to everything you are used to from me... that strange night where I'm not a total prick... the night where I have given you some strange insight that, out of everyone you know, you never expected to come from me....
I used to be so different... someone not bound by logical outcomes or calculated results... I used to not care about such things... everything just came so naturally... I would listen to my heart and act accordingly...
I hate to sound so typical... but I guess after getting my heart broken so many times I just... I don't know, I just stopped listening. I became the cold and driven person that I am today... well, I suppose I'm even worse now... so far apart from who I used to be... who I should be.
I wish that I knew how to go back to that person... but he's been gone for so long... being able to open up like that again at all times just seems so impossible... ignoring all the cynicism, ache, pain...
I hate it... but I find myself falling for someone... and I know that such feelings will never be reciprocated... not because of my own doubts... just because she's so like me. It's not in our nature anymore... we're so far outside the bounds of those things.
Well, I wish I was. Apparently I am not... which would be why I'm actually posting such madness.
Unlike my normal complaint threads... this has absolutely nothing to do with sex... I almost wish that it did... because this is really nothing I expected... I didn't expect to have feelings that go contrary to the logical progression... things that go outside of all my calculated outcomes...
Of course, in all of my algorithms (and believe me, I have almost a gig of spreadsheets dedicated to things like this now) I never accounted for me feeling an emotional attachment.
So now I'm confused... and scared.
I think I'm more scared than anything else. I don't really know what to do.
It's the one aspect of my life that I am still unable to grasp. Emotional attachments... sure, I've had them... but every time it always ends up with me being useless when such an attachment ends... even if it's not for that long.
I've always been the boy with the crystal heart... such a fragile thing, so easily broken.
You would think that at some point my heart would take the same stance my brain has and just get over it... get over fanciful dreams... thoughts... but it hasn't... and I know now that it never will... for now I'll never be able to get rid of that little pesky bit of humanity that still haunts me.
In my mind I'm done with emotions... in my heart... that silly little place where the "me" of many years ago... a long time ago... still lives.
Nobody I know now has ever actually met that person... sure, many of you have seen a side of me that is contrary to everything you are used to from me... that strange night where I'm not a total prick... the night where I have given you some strange insight that, out of everyone you know, you never expected to come from me....
I used to be so different... someone not bound by logical outcomes or calculated results... I used to not care about such things... everything just came so naturally... I would listen to my heart and act accordingly...
I hate to sound so typical... but I guess after getting my heart broken so many times I just... I don't know, I just stopped listening. I became the cold and driven person that I am today... well, I suppose I'm even worse now... so far apart from who I used to be... who I should be.
I wish that I knew how to go back to that person... but he's been gone for so long... being able to open up like that again at all times just seems so impossible... ignoring all the cynicism, ache, pain...
I hate it... but I find myself falling for someone... and I know that such feelings will never be reciprocated... not because of my own doubts... just because she's so like me. It's not in our nature anymore... we're so far outside the bounds of those things.
Well, I wish I was. Apparently I am not... which would be why I'm actually posting such madness.
Unlike my normal complaint threads... this has absolutely nothing to do with sex... I almost wish that it did... because this is really nothing I expected... I didn't expect to have feelings that go contrary to the logical progression... things that go outside of all my calculated outcomes...
Of course, in all of my algorithms (and believe me, I have almost a gig of spreadsheets dedicated to things like this now) I never accounted for me feeling an emotional attachment.
So now I'm confused... and scared.
I think I'm more scared than anything else. I don't really know what to do.