sudden start. things are slow.
you're watching all the speeding cars moving like you wish you could
but oh, it's too bad.
It's high time that i've written in here what's really going on with me.
almost a month ago, my car was repossessed. I just woke up on a particularly cold day, and walked the parking lot, and it was gone. I called the police, and they said that Ford took it. So, that day I was talking to Jon-Erik about what happened. He told me that he rarely uses his car during the day, but does need it. If I wanted to, I could stay with him a few days, and use his car to get my shit done. I told him that was something that I couldn't say yes to, but wasn't sure I could be in position to say no to either. But apparently the end has no end with me, as someone once told me. I called and called ford. They never returned my call. 2 weeks later I talk to the lady, and she tells me, quite rudely...that if I wanted it back it would have to be payed off. Since we got a shitty finance deal anyhow, I'd say we owed too much to pay it off. My own father still doesn't know that my car is gone. All this time i've been staying with JE, and JE is like the best friend i'd ever had...the kind when you're with them time sorta flashes in the frenzy of work and school. I've told myself I wouldn't stay past spring break, because after that it just means that he's not being nice anymore...it means i'm being a bastard ass user who deserves to be killed.
On first thought of all of this, I feel so much less free. I feel like a caged little animal that must be on a leash if I wish to be out. But, in the end I believe i'll end up feeling more free than I ever felt before. This just means that my parents don't pay anything for me anymore. No car note, No Insurance, and No Gas Card. That's a lot of money freed up for them to use. I know that's what they need, because they're struggling. Which is why i'm not fighting it, or crying too too many tears. This may, however mean, that I'll have to move very close to campus (if not on campus), get a job within biking distance of work, and make all friends and relationships on campus. This may not be so bad, ya know. I'll admit however, that it's been a long road in my heart to get to this point of letting things go. Not only that, but other things i'll probably have to give up because of it. It means i'll probably have to give up my best friend, because that's just how things are with her. If i'm not strong enough to make my 50% of effort in friendship efforts...then i'm on my own. Which is probably one of the first things that broke my heart about everything that happened. Gizem is my heart, and if she sticks around with me...then I love her more. If not, it was my fault, and when things CAN work equally with us i'll be there in style.
I have had some tremendous fun with JE. When sigur ros came in February I told him that I had been dreaming of photographing Sigur Ros. Sigur Ros is one of those very personal things for me, and it can't really be explained, but Sigur Ros has been one of those bands that my life takes a pivot to. So, it's so meaningful for various reasons that I can't express it. We arrive around 1, and I immediately saw Kjartan the keyboard player getting stuff out of the bus. I went and said hello, but he speaks no english, so I just walked off after that. I waited around, and watched for opportunities to pounce on...all papparazzi and shit. Eventually we saw the merch guy coming into the door, and he left it open while I was outside. While I was outside, essentially distracting everyone, Je ran in and went to the bathroom. He called me from the bathroom, and told me to come over to the back doors and come in. I did, surprisingly. The doors were right by the theater, and there in the darkened room...were lights going off with fog swirling about and feeling the theater. The house light that beamed down had visible rays coming out of them, due to the fog flowing off stage. No one was there except for one person at the controls, and was so silent that the mechanical whirring or the lights sounded much louder than I ever thought they were. The lights cycled through bright white lighting up different setups each time, and then going through saturated blues, and yellow lasers that went over the audience. All of this time I had been in this blind spot of the theater, and couldn't be seen by the lighting operator. I saw people walking around, and testing things. Then I heard Icelandic, and then drums. Then eventually I walked into line of sight as a loud booming from the speakers started and it was Sigur Ros doing soundcheck, with strings I might add. They had the most beautiful lighting on them, and I had the school's very new Hasselblad, which is medium format and valued at around 3-4,000 dollars. I had loaded the film in the corner to be prepared to shoot them if they started soundcheck. By that time I had been spotted by a few people that knew I shouldn't be there (the merch guy aka Jonsi's boyfriend), and they stuck around for a second, and I smiled at this really pretty Icelandic girl, and she went on stage and talked to the drummer. She came back off the stage and smiled at me. There still wasn't a soul in the audience, and then Jonsi (the lead singer) screamed out HOPPIPOLLA and everyone started in on hoppipolla. I almost cried during the entire experience, and was just breathtaken that this was happening to me. I was there watching sigur ros play in a beautiful beautiful theater, and I had a hasselblad, and it was like they were playing for me...ME...Jessy...the kid who had fantasized of such a thing happening. It was like all of my dreams had come true in that single instance, and I was happy. I felt as though I had fused myself with the universe, and that whatever happened i'd be there just waiting to experience it...be it good or bad. It was sublimely religious, and I opened up the viewfinder on my camera, placed it on the backseat of a chair and shot 6 frames onto my film. After that, they stopped playing and I went to the blind spot of the theater grabbed my camera bag, and hustled out of there in time to catch jonsi, orri, and georg by the bus. Later, before leaving, I ran into Orri (the drummer) and his girlfriend/wife Lukka. I snapped two of them on the hasselblad, and one with the digital camera. The next day I woke up and eagerly processed them, and I got all the shots I wanted :). I got an amazing shot of sigur ros during the soundcheck, and the two of Orri.
Sad eyes
You are the only one whose blue skies are grey
So don't cry
You'll be the only one to make them go
away
Things are gonna go away
Yeah they're gonna go your way
All about to go your way
but oh, it's too bad.
It's high time that i've written in here what's really going on with me.
almost a month ago, my car was repossessed. I just woke up on a particularly cold day, and walked the parking lot, and it was gone. I called the police, and they said that Ford took it. So, that day I was talking to Jon-Erik about what happened. He told me that he rarely uses his car during the day, but does need it. If I wanted to, I could stay with him a few days, and use his car to get my shit done. I told him that was something that I couldn't say yes to, but wasn't sure I could be in position to say no to either. But apparently the end has no end with me, as someone once told me. I called and called ford. They never returned my call. 2 weeks later I talk to the lady, and she tells me, quite rudely...that if I wanted it back it would have to be payed off. Since we got a shitty finance deal anyhow, I'd say we owed too much to pay it off. My own father still doesn't know that my car is gone. All this time i've been staying with JE, and JE is like the best friend i'd ever had...the kind when you're with them time sorta flashes in the frenzy of work and school. I've told myself I wouldn't stay past spring break, because after that it just means that he's not being nice anymore...it means i'm being a bastard ass user who deserves to be killed.
On first thought of all of this, I feel so much less free. I feel like a caged little animal that must be on a leash if I wish to be out. But, in the end I believe i'll end up feeling more free than I ever felt before. This just means that my parents don't pay anything for me anymore. No car note, No Insurance, and No Gas Card. That's a lot of money freed up for them to use. I know that's what they need, because they're struggling. Which is why i'm not fighting it, or crying too too many tears. This may, however mean, that I'll have to move very close to campus (if not on campus), get a job within biking distance of work, and make all friends and relationships on campus. This may not be so bad, ya know. I'll admit however, that it's been a long road in my heart to get to this point of letting things go. Not only that, but other things i'll probably have to give up because of it. It means i'll probably have to give up my best friend, because that's just how things are with her. If i'm not strong enough to make my 50% of effort in friendship efforts...then i'm on my own. Which is probably one of the first things that broke my heart about everything that happened. Gizem is my heart, and if she sticks around with me...then I love her more. If not, it was my fault, and when things CAN work equally with us i'll be there in style.
I have had some tremendous fun with JE. When sigur ros came in February I told him that I had been dreaming of photographing Sigur Ros. Sigur Ros is one of those very personal things for me, and it can't really be explained, but Sigur Ros has been one of those bands that my life takes a pivot to. So, it's so meaningful for various reasons that I can't express it. We arrive around 1, and I immediately saw Kjartan the keyboard player getting stuff out of the bus. I went and said hello, but he speaks no english, so I just walked off after that. I waited around, and watched for opportunities to pounce on...all papparazzi and shit. Eventually we saw the merch guy coming into the door, and he left it open while I was outside. While I was outside, essentially distracting everyone, Je ran in and went to the bathroom. He called me from the bathroom, and told me to come over to the back doors and come in. I did, surprisingly. The doors were right by the theater, and there in the darkened room...were lights going off with fog swirling about and feeling the theater. The house light that beamed down had visible rays coming out of them, due to the fog flowing off stage. No one was there except for one person at the controls, and was so silent that the mechanical whirring or the lights sounded much louder than I ever thought they were. The lights cycled through bright white lighting up different setups each time, and then going through saturated blues, and yellow lasers that went over the audience. All of this time I had been in this blind spot of the theater, and couldn't be seen by the lighting operator. I saw people walking around, and testing things. Then I heard Icelandic, and then drums. Then eventually I walked into line of sight as a loud booming from the speakers started and it was Sigur Ros doing soundcheck, with strings I might add. They had the most beautiful lighting on them, and I had the school's very new Hasselblad, which is medium format and valued at around 3-4,000 dollars. I had loaded the film in the corner to be prepared to shoot them if they started soundcheck. By that time I had been spotted by a few people that knew I shouldn't be there (the merch guy aka Jonsi's boyfriend), and they stuck around for a second, and I smiled at this really pretty Icelandic girl, and she went on stage and talked to the drummer. She came back off the stage and smiled at me. There still wasn't a soul in the audience, and then Jonsi (the lead singer) screamed out HOPPIPOLLA and everyone started in on hoppipolla. I almost cried during the entire experience, and was just breathtaken that this was happening to me. I was there watching sigur ros play in a beautiful beautiful theater, and I had a hasselblad, and it was like they were playing for me...ME...Jessy...the kid who had fantasized of such a thing happening. It was like all of my dreams had come true in that single instance, and I was happy. I felt as though I had fused myself with the universe, and that whatever happened i'd be there just waiting to experience it...be it good or bad. It was sublimely religious, and I opened up the viewfinder on my camera, placed it on the backseat of a chair and shot 6 frames onto my film. After that, they stopped playing and I went to the blind spot of the theater grabbed my camera bag, and hustled out of there in time to catch jonsi, orri, and georg by the bus. Later, before leaving, I ran into Orri (the drummer) and his girlfriend/wife Lukka. I snapped two of them on the hasselblad, and one with the digital camera. The next day I woke up and eagerly processed them, and I got all the shots I wanted :). I got an amazing shot of sigur ros during the soundcheck, and the two of Orri.
Sad eyes
You are the only one whose blue skies are grey
So don't cry
You'll be the only one to make them go
away
Things are gonna go away
Yeah they're gonna go your way
All about to go your way