I don't run my life - it runs me.
All these activities, all these responsibilities - even now, after so many years of "participation" and "involvement," I still can't tell if it's all for nothing. I understand that I am learning from my experiences and hopefully growing from them, but who chose these experiences for me? I can't remember. I mean, I know I did, at some point. But what was my purpose, my goal? Do I even have one? Sometimes, I think I subconsciously make myself sign up for so much crap just so I'll have a legitimate excuse to never work on being a better person - a more evolved person - a better me. I don't make experiences for myself, I make them just because. Because that's what others expect of me, because that's what I expect of myself. All these expectations, and all to no avail.
If I were to sit down and really think about what makes me happy, what I truly like to do - I doubt many - if any - of those things could be found in my present life. Just thinking that makes me not want to actually write that list.
Almost 5 years ago, I wrote: "Take chances now so you won't regret anything later. Grab life by the horns and ride it till the battery goes out. Don't settle for anything, push yourself and your dreams until you can push no more. Don't wait!!! Don't put anything off for 'later.' Do it now!!"
Who was that girl? Why was she so full of cliches? Why did she never, ever, listen to her own advice? Those words sound so meaningless to me now, yet I am positive I was passionate about them then. To be honest, I find it exhausting to think about even beginning to try to push myself every minute of every day, to not settle for anything and to take chances always. I almost feel like I need to be a robot in my own life. If I didn't live my life taking one moment, one day at a time, just enduring everything rather than driving all the action myself, I might go crazy. I call myself a control freak, yet being so IN control of every instant sounds tiring.
Is that sad? Is it pathetic that I'm really that lazy? Lazy enough to actually put my own self on the back-burner because it's too much work to focus on it completely? Does everyone feel this way?
Yet how can it truly be laziness when I rarely even get a moment to be lazy anymore? Am I just scared? Is it fear that I'll never really get to that ideal self that maybe it's better that I just never start trying? And in the meantime, to forget that the option even exists to be better, I'll make myself as busy as possible just so the outside world can see me trying to do something.
I know this is all true - I think that's the saddest part. I don't know if many people can see their faults, their downfalls, their tragic flaws so clearly, but I always can. Yet, I never act to combat them - ever. I wonder if I ever will, if I'll ever start, if I'll ever try.
Probably not.
If I were to sit down and really think about what makes me happy, what I truly like to do - I doubt many - if any - of those things could be found in my present life. Just thinking that makes me not want to actually write that list.
Almost 5 years ago, I wrote: "Take chances now so you won't regret anything later. Grab life by the horns and ride it till the battery goes out. Don't settle for anything, push yourself and your dreams until you can push no more. Don't wait!!! Don't put anything off for 'later.' Do it now!!"
Who was that girl? Why was she so full of cliches? Why did she never, ever, listen to her own advice? Those words sound so meaningless to me now, yet I am positive I was passionate about them then. To be honest, I find it exhausting to think about even beginning to try to push myself every minute of every day, to not settle for anything and to take chances always. I almost feel like I need to be a robot in my own life. If I didn't live my life taking one moment, one day at a time, just enduring everything rather than driving all the action myself, I might go crazy. I call myself a control freak, yet being so IN control of every instant sounds tiring.
Is that sad? Is it pathetic that I'm really that lazy? Lazy enough to actually put my own self on the back-burner because it's too much work to focus on it completely? Does everyone feel this way?
Yet how can it truly be laziness when I rarely even get a moment to be lazy anymore? Am I just scared? Is it fear that I'll never really get to that ideal self that maybe it's better that I just never start trying? And in the meantime, to forget that the option even exists to be better, I'll make myself as busy as possible just so the outside world can see me trying to do something.
I know this is all true - I think that's the saddest part. I don't know if many people can see their faults, their downfalls, their tragic flaws so clearly, but I always can. Yet, I never act to combat them - ever. I wonder if I ever will, if I'll ever start, if I'll ever try.
Probably not.