Nerves
I've felt a zombie, or a prisoner or something. Prisoner is better, because its like i'm waiting on trial.
I think there was probably one time when it didn't quite work, and i don't know why that was, but i seem to remember one time when she came and i didn't snap out of it and fall back in, really hard. But every other time i was instantly back in, and deep.
There is a lot of stuff i want to say, and writing has definitely helped. Im not sure whats going to come out, but one thing that i do know. I won't be angry no matter what happens. I mean i'll be mad at myself for all of the stupid shit i did and did not do. but definitely no anger with her. its actually the opposite. im happy she's making the best of where she is. i think about all the times she thought about leaving and everything she would have missed out on. and im really happy about that.
I need a better word. One thats more adequate. A word that explains how every idle thought is her name, and her face is the picture in the morning and as im falling asleep. A word that explains this nervousness and exhaustion, and fear at the thought of seeing those eyes. They're so perfect and they can be so hurtful. I need a word that explains what i see 10, 20, 40 years from now. A stronger word, a word she hasn't heard. one that's binding, and explains what i see, and feel, and want to be for her. and how impressed i am, and honored to be part of her life. I need a word that does all of that, because Love just isn't big enough anymore.
The waking up is the hardest part.
I think there was probably one time when it didn't quite work, and i don't know why that was, but i seem to remember one time when she came and i didn't snap out of it and fall back in, really hard. But every other time i was instantly back in, and deep.
There is a lot of stuff i want to say, and writing has definitely helped. Im not sure whats going to come out, but one thing that i do know. I won't be angry no matter what happens. I mean i'll be mad at myself for all of the stupid shit i did and did not do. but definitely no anger with her. its actually the opposite. im happy she's making the best of where she is. i think about all the times she thought about leaving and everything she would have missed out on. and im really happy about that.
I need a better word. One thats more adequate. A word that explains how every idle thought is her name, and her face is the picture in the morning and as im falling asleep. A word that explains this nervousness and exhaustion, and fear at the thought of seeing those eyes. They're so perfect and they can be so hurtful. I need a word that explains what i see 10, 20, 40 years from now. A stronger word, a word she hasn't heard. one that's binding, and explains what i see, and feel, and want to be for her. and how impressed i am, and honored to be part of her life. I need a word that does all of that, because Love just isn't big enough anymore.
The waking up is the hardest part.