Transcript: Psych 3x07 Talk Derby to Me

[jpgr]

1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

HENRY, in uniform, is standing in the living room.

HENRY:
Shawn? Shawn! Get in here a second.

GUS walks into the room.

HENRY:
Gus, what are you doing here?

GUS:
I'm representing Shawn in this situation.

HENRY:
Shawn, get in here!

SHAWN walks into the room.

HENRY:
Take a look around.

SHAWN:
Well, what am I looking at?

HENRY:
Something's missing. I took something of yours, you need to figure out what it is.

SHAWN:
Dad, you robbed me?

HENRY:
No, robbery's the taking of property by force or fear. I'm not afraid of anyone in this room.

GUS:
So you're a burglar, then?

HENRY:
No, Gus. Burglary involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is or you're not getting it back. Concentrate.

SHAWN looks around and spots three BB pellets on the floor and walks over. He pulls aside the curtain expecting to see something there.

SHAWN:
You thief! You stole my BB gun!

HENRY:
Technically, yes, theft makes me a thief. You're learning.

SHAWN:
So, can I have it back now?

HENRY:
No. I told you not to play with it in the yard. (sits) It's too dangerous.

SHAWN:
But you said if I figured out what was missing, I--

HENRY:
Shawn, thieves always lie. Remember that.

SHAWN:
How'd you even know I was playing with it in the backyard?

HENRY doesn’t say anything. SHAWN looks over at GUS.

PRESENT DAY

INT. ZILK’S STORE, NIGHT

A security GUARD is patrolling the store. A figure rises up behind him and knocks him out. A group of four figures then begin stealing everything they can grab quickly as the alarm goes off. One looks at their watch as it counts down. The figure then motions to the others and they leave.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

The police have arrived and have marked the evidence. LASSITER and JULIET are there questioning the GUARD. VICK is conversing with an officer.

JULIET:
Mr. Coburn, we are interested in anything you can tell us.

COBURN:
They were big and scary, these guys.

JULIET:
Didn't you say you didn't see them?

COBURN:
That's... right.

LASSITER:
Of course, they were big and scary. Look at this place. The man's lucky to be alive.

JULIET:
Carlton, I've got this. What time did you begin your shift?

LASSITER looks up at a group of mannequins. He looks away.

COBURN:
8:00.

JULIET:
Are you the only watchman?

COBURN:
Yeah.

LASSITER looks again and one mannequin has changed position.

JULIET:
Would you mind showing me where you were standing at the time of the attack?

COBURN:
Yeah.

COBURN stands and walks JULIET over to where he was hurt.

COBURN:
I was walking through here…

LASSITER sees the mannequin has moved again. He walks over to the display.

LASSITER:
Spencer, what the hell are you doing up there?

SHAWN:
Right now, I'm putting my hand in my pocket, sans thumb, pointing at an imaginary seagull. (drops pose) But earlier I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of its kind in as many months. No leads.

LASSITER:
Chief told you that?

SHAWN:
No, she did. (turns to armless mannequin and pats its butt) She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci with an "i." She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room.

LASSITER:
The mannequin told you that?

SHAWN:
No, the Chief did. Come on, Lassie, keep up with me here.

SHAWN tosses LASSITER his glasses and jumps off the display. We see GUS sitting on the display reading.

SHAWN:
Gus! I need you paying attention, do you think you can make that happen?

GUS:
I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam.

SHAWN:
Right. The RX... something.

GUS:
RX Rep, RX. Pharmaceutical rep re-certification exam. (jumps off display and drops book)

SHAWN:
That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum.

GUS:
(picks up book) Well, my job depends on it. And you said you were gonna help me.

SHAWN:
I'm not sure how I can. You keep such sloppy notes. What is this green slime on your book? (points to back cover) Did you come from The Kids' Choice Awards?

GUS:
This place is filthy.

SHAWN:
Maybe it's a clue.

GUS:
Maybe it's urine.

SHAWN:
Smell it.

GUS:
I'm not gonna smell it. Are you gonna help me or not?

INT. ZILK’S STORE, SURVELLIENCE ROOM, DAY

COBURN is seated at the desk with VICK, JULIET, LASSITER, SHAWN and GUS crammed in the small room behind him. GUS is studying.

COBURN:
We've never had more than two people in this room.

SHAWN:
It's cozy, which means I'll need everyone's hands where I can see them. That means yours, too, Chief.

COBURN:
Who's this?

VICK:
That's our psychic, Shawn Spencer.

SHAWN:
Psychic, and treasurer of the American Wicker Council. I'm up for re-election. I'm running on a rattan platform.

COBURN:
(shakes SHAWN’S hand) Stuart.

SHAWN:
This is my favorite booster, Detective Carlton Lass...

LASSITER:
Would you just play the tape?

COBURN starts the tape and they all lean forward. LASSITER recognizes some of the moves.

LASSITER:
That's a lariat move. These guys are ex-military. No question.

JULIET:
And that one there is calling the shots, so there appears to be a pattern here.

VICK:
Well, detectives, when you know something, you could find me in my office. Excuse me. (pushes her way to the door)

LASSITER:
Ow!

SHAWN:
Hey, Chief!

They go back to watching the video. SHAWN sees something - a button, pin?

LASSITER:
All right, we definitely need to check out all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC.

SHAWN:
Santa Barbara Ladies Auxiliary.

LASSITER:
Huh?

SHAWN:
Oh, they're women. (leaves)

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

GUS continues to study as SHAWN tries on clothes.

GUS:
It can't be women. This kind of thing took some kind of muscle.

SHAWN:
It's a little shocking, isn't it? (checks himself in mirror) Not as shocking as this. These are 31s and they're really pulling through here. Make yourself useful. Get me the 32s.

GUS:
I don't have time for this. Either you have something or you don't.

SHAWN sees more green slime in streaks on the floor.

SHAWN:
Got it! Let's go see the Chief. (starts walking away)

GUS:
You got it?

SHAWN:
Let's just say I've got suspects.

GUS:
Good. Let's go and give them their names. I got studying to do. How many suspects are we talking?

SHAWN:
Eh, give or take--

They walk through the security gate and SHAWN’S clothes set off the alarm.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK is sitting behind her desk. LASSITER and JULIET are sitting in front of it as SHAWN paces.

VICK:
80 suspects? Really, Mr. Spencer. It wouldn't be possible perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it?

SHAWN:
Not without help. It's a tight group, Chief. It's a clique. It's a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety. And it's gonna take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get 'em to talk.

LASSITER:
Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse.

SHAWN:
Negative, we cannot go about this using a typical Lassitarian technique. We need someone on the inside.

VICK:
Are you saying you want to go undercover?

SHAWN:
Undercover? Yes. Me? No. Unfortunately, I'm not qualified for this sort of thing.

LASSITER:
Don't worry about it, Spencer. I've been itching to do some undercover work. And I've got a new moustache guy.

SHAWN:
(snaps fingers) I like where your head's at, because this is going to take a very specific skill set. (massages LASSITER’S shoulders) There is only one person in this room that can pull it off. (kneels with arm around LASSITER’S shoulder) I've just got one question. (to JULIET) Can you skate?

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

There is a match going on.

ANNOUNCER:
And it's looking like we're in for an excruciating jam as Maniac cuts through the pack like a machete. That defense had better get on the defensive or else!

We see JULIET is on the orange team. As a member of the pink team comes up alongside, JULIET jabs her in the face with her elbow and she goes down.

ANNOUNCER:
Ooh, look out below!

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Talk Derby to Me”
By
Tim Meltreger

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Steve Miner

**********************************************************************

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

JULIET knocks down another player.

ANNOUNCER:
Berman Auditorium is about to become the garden of beatin'! And it's Miss Anthropy around the outside.

PLAYER:
Let me through!

HENRY, SHAWN and GUS are sitting track-side. HENRY is really getting into it and GUS is studying.

HENRY:
Don't let her through! Don't let her through! Pick her up! Pick her up! Somebody pick her up!

SHAWN:
I couldn't have called a better assignment.

HENRY:
Yeah, right. You're a rocket scientist. I thought the police had a suspect from the roller derby, like a month ago. Seven, seven…

SHAWN:
Seven Deadly Cinderella. Yeah, but it didn't go anywhere.

HENRY:
What did you find that got Chief Vick back onto this roller derby angle?

SHAWN:
Oh, just everything. The damage, the hand signals. The scuff marks on the floor were caused by 62-millimeter core composite competition skate wheels.

HENRY looks at him.

SHAWN:
Vick wouldn't buy it until I threw in some roller babble. But think about it, who better for a smash and grab job than an organized team?

HENRY:
You think they were all on wheels?

SHAWN:
At least one of them was.

HENRY:
What makes you so sure it was one of these teams?

SHAWN:
Gus, you want to take this one?

GUS:
(looks up) What?

SHAWN:
Check the schedule. These were the only two teams who were off on all the nights the break-ins occurred. We call that detective work. It's a rare and beautiful thing. Like clubbed thumbs.

GUS:
I don't know how we're gonna solve this case. These women scare me.

HENRY:
Are you kidding? It's a cake assignment. I used to do some security work for the roller derby back in the day. Now, those broads, they knew how to get the job done. This is-- I don't know. This is like a fashion show. These broads, they can’t, they’re not…they don't hit…

SHAWN:
And that's why we brought you down here, Pop, to hear you say "broads" repeatedly. But why don't you explain to us how all this works.

HENRY:
All right, do you see the one with the star on her helmet? She's the lead jammer. She scores points when she passes the opposing skaters.

We see the action as HENRY points it out.

HENRY:
All right, look at her. Right there. The one they call Fox? You see, she's reaching down. She's up to something. You see that piece of tape?

FOX puts a piece of tape of the back of the opposing #13.

HENRY:
Number 13, she's been marked. She's gonna get hit. She's gonna be taken down. Watch this. Watch it. Here it comes.

Pink 13 is slammed by a member of the orange team and falls to her stomach outside the circle of the track.

ANNOUNCER:
Oh, and there's another one for the suicide seats!

HENRY whoops and the team members high five.

ANNOUNCER:
It's happy times for Westwood, Wilde, and Captain Denise "Kamikaze" Fox.

SHAWN:
This is our only chance to snoop around, Gus. Let's go. (stands) Dad, you all right?

HENRY:
Hit her! No, hit her now! She's down!

SHAWN:
He's fine.

HENRY:
Would you-- hit!

SHAWN and GUS walk along the side of the track.

GUS:
What are we doing, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Well, for starters, we're both growing moustaches very, very slowly. (steps over player lying on the floor) But we're also investigating.

GUS:
This is Juliet's investigation. We're gonna blow her cover. We need to stay out of her way.

SHAWN:
You're exactly right, Gus.

They step over another player.

SHAWN:
Or we do the exact opposite. I vote for number two.

INT. ARENA, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stop in the hall outside the locker room.

SHAWN:
Be my lookout.

GUS:
No, there's only a few minutes left, Shawn, and you want to go inside...

SHAWN enters the locker room. GUS leans on the wall and studies.

INT. ARENA, LOCKER ROOM, DAY

After making sure he’s alone, SHAWN begins to check individual lockers. He finds the same watch he saw on surveillance. In the next, he finds tickets for a Caribbean cruise. He hears the door and hides. He sees one of the orange team skate over to the locker with the ticket. The woman leaves and SHAWN goes back to searching the lockers.

INT. ARENA, HALL, DAY

GUS is still studying when SHAWN walks out.

SHAWN:
Worst lookout ever. You didn't see the girl walk in?

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

JULIET is conversing with her teammates. She is going by the name “Maniac”.

PLAYER 1:
And I round this corner, and there's Maniac. And I'm, like, "Where'd she go?" And she's, like, "Where'd who go?" She moves pretty good for fresh meat.

PLAYER 2:
That's totally a compliment. Where'd you learn to skate like that?

JULIET:
Oh, you know. College roller-skate team. And Xanadu.

They all laugh.

PLAYER 2:
That's funny. I get it.

Players 1 and 2 leave. After sharing a nervous laugh with FOX, JULIET follows them. Across the floor, SHAWN watches them.

GUS:
Dude, you are leering.

SHAWN:
And if by leering, you mean staring oddly in a creepy way, yes, but it's for an investigation, Gus. They're all scraped up from burglarizing. Burglarization? Burglarism.

GUS:
Of course, they're scraped up. It's a full-contact sport.

SHAWN:
Uh-huh? And since when do we get injuries underneath our elbow pads? And that's a glass cut on the other one. Check it out.

GUS looks at the sign girl.

SHAWN:
That's leering.

JULIET sees them and skates over.

JULIET:
(whispers) Shawn, what are you guys doing here?

SHAWN:
I'm moving on this case. I'm pretty sure I found the extra- sensory vortex in this building.

JULIET:
Where?

SHAWN:
Women's locker room, which as it happens, is a place I've always wanted to hang out, so it's totally a win-win.

JULIET:
Shawn, I get this is how you work, but this is not how we are going to be doing things. I am lead detective, and this is first and foremost a police investigation. So, if we are going to be partners, we are going to be doing things my way.

SHAWN:
All kidding aside, I got some serious vibes in there. And possibly athlete's foot.

JULIET:
Great, I'll check it out and come by your office later, but right now, I need you guys to get out of here!

FOX and PLAYER 2 skate over.

FOX:
Is this guy bothering you, Maniac?

JULIET:
Wilde, Fox, this is…

FOX:
I know who this guy is. We see gawkers like him all the time around here. Real easy to spot. There's always one thing off about them. Clothes, hair, teeth.

SHAWN:
You just named my three best features. Fourth on the list, posture. Fifth, elocution. (holds out hand) Maniacmaniac19, president pro-tem, Maniac Fan Club. This is my vice president, Longbranch Pennywhistle. I'm just looking to score a little face-time with the Maniac, you know, for the blog.

GUS:
689 hits and climbing.

JULIET:
Nothing I can't handle. I was just about to give 'em an interview. It was only gonna be two words. (holds up two fingers resembling an obscene gesture)

SHAWN:
Oh! (makes a cross with his fingers)

FOX:
Okay, come on.

FOX and WILDE leave.

SHAWN:
I'll see you tonight. Bring the outfit. One of us might wear it.

JULIET:
Get lost!

SHAWN watches her skate away.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

As VICK walks by, she sees JULIET at her desk, still in her derby uniform.

VICK:
O’Hara. Might I have a word? In my office.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK goes behind her desk and starts going through a file. JULIET rolls in on her skates.

JULIET:
Oh, sorry, Chief. I have to break these things in, and you know how my family is cursed with bad arches, right?

VICK:
Please take them off.

JULIET:
I was just gonna suggest that. (sits down)

VICK:
Later.

JULIET looks at her surprised.

VICK:
Did you break somebody's nose?

JULIET:
(giggles) Yes, I did. Thank you.

VICK looks up from the file.

JULIET:
Oh, but it was a clean hit. It was actually more of a dislocation. You know, it just popped right back in. Yeah. She curled into my wingspan, so I was totally justified. We're friends now. She has a cat.

VICK:
(walks over to her) I'm concerned for your safety and that this might be a mistake.

JULIET:
No, no, no. It is not a mistake. It's actually a very smart call. I have found a scad of priors on my suspects. Aggravated assault, battery. Oh! And reckless endangerment.

VICK:
So, you're saying putting you in danger is a bonus?

JULIET:
I'm telling you I can handle myself.

VICK:
(sits across from her) I didn't want to do this in the first place. And I'll be candid, O'Hara. You tend to dive in a little too deeply when you go undercover.

JULIET:
Look, Chief, first off, roller derby is better than therapy. If I were into that sort of thing. And secondly, these girls, they're not making any money. Most of them are paying out of pocket and they are all the right element for this kind of behavior.

VICK:
Hunches and profiles are not gonna keep this thing going. I need concrete proof. Soon. I want every single one of those suspects from that security video. (stands and walks back to desk)

JULIET:
Done. (stands and starts for door)

VICK:
Oh, um. this a typo, right? $800 for skates?

JULIET:
(stops) Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren't cute at all?

VICK:
Get me results. Hurry.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is at her desk untying her skates when her phone rings.

JULIET:
Yeah, this is Maniac. Oh, yeah! Tonight? Yeah, I can keep it quiet. Okay. I'll be there.

INT. PSYCH, NIGHT

JULIET enters dressed for undercover.

JULIET:
(sighs) I'm sorry I'm late.

SHAWN has the table prepared for a candlelit dinner.

JULIET:
(whispers) Oh, my God. Is there somebody here? Are you on a date?

SHAWN:
(laughs nervously) No, no, no, no, no, no. I just, uh…I didn't know if you'd be hungry, so I just…I threw something together quickly.

JULIET:
Uh, we gotta get right to this. I was just at the station and I really think I am on to something.

SHAWN:
That's great. We have all night to talk about it. (holds up wine) Gewurztraminer?

JULIET:
Yes. No, no, no, no. I can't stay. I got a call from one of the girls. Are those crab cakes?

SHAWN:
Yes, they are. With dill and coriander. (picks one up with tongs) Which girl are we talking about?

JULIET:
They call her Toxic Waste, but her name is Shelly. Said she was talking to some of the other girls and that they were very impressed by me and I am perfect for something they have going on downtown tonight. A “money-making opportunity”.

SHAWN remembers the cruise ticket he found in SHELLY’S locker.

SHAWN:
(places crab cake on plates) Jules, don't go.

JULIET:
Shawn, I ran some of their names. They have records.

SHAWN:
I've already eliminated Toxic Waste. She wasn't at the break-in. (sits at table)

JULIET:
I don't think you understand. I am undercover right now, and things can get real sticky, real fast.

SHAWN:
Sticky how?

JULIET:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
Jules, listen. This thing that's happening tonight, it's not what you think it is. Now, sit down. Have some endives.

JULIET:
Shawn, are we working together or not?

SHAWN:
Yes, technically, we're working together on this case. But you know what, Jules? I'm not feeling particularly together right now.

JULIET:
Then support me. Because I really think I am on to something. Now, I gotta go, and you're either in or you're out.

After staring at SHAWN for a moment, JULIET grabs a crab cake and leaves. SHAWN stands and blows out the candles.

EXT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

JULIET is directing some officers. LASSITER is in conversation with other officers. SHAWN is leaning on a car.

JULIET:
North exit, south exit. Nobody gets out.

OFFICER:
Yes, ma’am.

OFFICER 2:
Mmm-hmm.

The two officers go to do as JULIET ordered. SHAWN comes over to her.

SHAWN:
Jules. You do realize we're outside of a warehouse?

JULIET:
That's not the point, Shawn. Even if it's not a burglary, it's very likely some kind of peripheral criminal activity.

SHAWN:
This place isn't like any of the others.

JULIET:
Look, I am really sorry I have to do this to you, but... Carlton?

LASSITER:
I’ll be right back. (leaves officers)

SHAWN:
Jules!

LASSITER:
Spencer, you're in the way. Go.

SHAWN goes to stand by the car as JULIET heads for the doors.

LASSITER:
All right. We're gonna let her get in here and on her signal, we're gonna light this candle.

LASSITER and the officers aim their guns at the door. JULIET looks back at them and nods before sliding the door open. We see reflected colored lights and hear dance music.

DIRECTOR: (v.o.)
Cut! Brilliant! Beautiful!

JULIET:
(whispers) Stand down.

DIRECTOR: (v.o.)
Do it again! Reset the playback, please.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK strides into her office and behind her desk to confront SHAWN, LASSITER and JULIET.

VICK:
A music video shoot? I sent nearly a dozen uniformed officers and six black-and-whites, and none of your suspects were even there. Now, I'm gonna need a pretty damn compelling reason not to pull the plug on this one, O’Hara, because right now, we've got nothing.

SHAWN:
(raises hand) It was me. I felt a vibe. I got a message.

VICK:
You did?

SHAWN:
Yes. Turns out it was a major metaphysical snafu. O'Hara said it was a non-start, I threw a tantrum. I was crying, kicking, and stamping my little feet. I mean, they're not abnormally small.

VICK:
O’Hara?

LASSITER:
Look, Chief, I can get results. Let me in on this.

SHAWN:
Sure, Chief. Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he's a demon on wheels, and he's so very good with women.

VICK:
Under the circumstances, I might consider you, Carlton, but you're never more obvious than when you're undercover. Perhaps you've forgotten the prosthetic nose debacle of 2005?

SHAWN chuckles but stops when he sees a list of the stolen property on VICK’S desk.

JULIET:
Chief, we are definitely onto something. Last night's robbery fits the pattern we've seen between criminal activity and specific teams. We've narrowed it down to a few suspects.

SHAWN:
Three suspects. Teammates, friends, pen pals. Solid suspects. Maybe four. Possibly five. Ah, six could...

VICK:
Now, Mr. Spencer. The idea is to have fewer suspects. You don't get paid by the suspect.

SHAWN:
I see us closing this by tomorrow.

VICK:
Tomorrow then.

JULIET:
Absolutely.

VICK:
Fine, but I'm gonna need results without another incident, metaphysical or otherwise. You're all dismissed.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN, JULIET and LASSITER leave VICK’S office. LASSITER goes in the opposite direction.

SHAWN:
Wow. She really unloaded on us.

JULIET:
Thank you for taking the heat on that one, Shawn.

GUS gets up from the bench where he was studying and falls in beside them.

SHAWN:
Jules, that's how it goes when you're partners. If I could count the number of times that Gus has left my cheese in the wind.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Nothing. Study on, buddy. Arteriosclerosis, rosacea, croup.

JULIET:
Croup?

SHAWN:
You'll have to owe me one. Or... you can give me one of these bracelets. (reveals friendship bracelet on her wrist) They come in teal?

JULIET:
Can't do.

SHAWN:
Can't do teal?

JULIET:
No. Westwood gave it to me. It’s a roller derby thing. Think of something else.

SHAWN:
Fine. You can dial back the Maniac routine. Stop pulling rank on me.

JULIET:
Okay.

SHAWN:
Ordering me around.

JULIET:
Fine.

SHAWN:
And smoothies are on you until we nab someone.

JULIET:
I want to figure out the next step by seeing how you work. I want to get close to your process, get some hard evidence.

SHAWN opens his mouth to answer, but GUS speaks first.

GUS:
Yeah, Shawn. That's a good idea. Why don't you bring her right in on your process?

SHAWN:
Jules, here's the thing. Close is good. Very close is even better. But not for this. My process is not a tandem bike. It's a unicycle. Now, you belong at practice. I can see Fox. You gotta keep an eye on her.

JULIET:
That's gonna be really difficult. She's always surrounded by Westwood and Wilde.

SHAWN:
Perfect. Keep an eye on them too.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is writing on the Plexi-glass board. He backs away when done.

SHAWN:
There. The lists from Vick's desk. And they make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

GUS is sitting at the table from last night, studying.

GUS:
Why don't you arrange them in alphabetical order?

SHAWN:
That's not the point, Gus. They stole a DVD of Spanglish. Clearly, they weren't after the merchandise.

GUS:
That's not exactly hard evidence, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Thank you, Professor No Help.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I'm sorry. Did you miss that? Maybe I should've said “MC No Help” or “Doctor Do-Nothing” because you're bringing nothing to the table.

GUS:
I have a test, remember? No pass, no job. No job, no driving you around. Besides, you're doing perfectly fine with your new partner.

SHAWN:
Who? Jules?

GUS:
"Who? Jules?" What? Who do you think?

SHAWN:
Don't be jealous.

GUS:
I'm not jealous.

SHAWN:
Don't be vexed. You're still number one on my MySpace page. Jules and I are just working a case together. Nothing more.

GUS lifts his book and SHAWN sees the green slime is still there. He recalls first seeing it at the crime scene and then remembers a bottle of skate oil in the lockers.

SHAWN:
Wilde was there.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Cynthia "Speed Freak" Wilde was there at Zilk's during the break-in. She uses this green oil to lubricate her skates. Looks like she left some behind. Good clue, buddy.

SHAWN knocks on the table then goes to his desk and picks up his phone.

GUS:
You have Fox with the broken watch and now Wilde. Why don't you call the cops?

SHAWN:
According to the tapes, there were at least three more. If we don't get them, they're gonna doing their thing. That is the oath of thieves, Gus. That is the code of the roller girl.

GUS:
I never thought I would hear you say that.

SHAWN:
Even more than “sinkhole sissy feet flapjack go-go boots”? Juliet isn't answering her phone.

GUS just looks at him and eats some crabcake.

GUS:
Mmmm.

SHAWN:
You know, those crab cakes are, like, three days old or something.

GUS looks up, surprised.

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, NIGHT

The others are giving JULIET pointers and tips.

FOX:
Okay, remember, Maniac, the key is to just get through the pack. Whatever it takes.

JULIET:
Well, we don't want to injure anyone in practice, do we?

WILDE:
Of course not, but if someone's shoulder has to get dislocated, well, make sure it isn't yours. Back to it, boss?

JULIET:
Wait, where is Lethal Weapon?

FOX:
Oh, Westwood? She had to split a second ago. Go visit her mother. Let's go kick some ass.

JULIET:
Cool. I'm just gonna grab something.

FOX:
Okay, see you on the track.

INT. ARENA, LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT

JULIET enters and finds WESTWOOD packing a bag.

JULIET:
Westwood, hey!

WESTWOOD:
Hey.

JULIET:
You leaving?

WESTWOOD:
Yeah.

JULIET:
Everything okay?

WESTWOOD:
I have to go meet my boyfriend. (closes locker) He's kinda got car trouble, so...

JULIET:
Oh!

WESTWOOD:
I have to go.

JULIET:
Oh!

WESTWOOD:
Yeah, well, uh, he's kind of stranded out on the Mesa somewhere.

JULIET:
Okay, all right, well, make sure you bring him to the bout tomorrow.

WESTWOOD:
Yeah, I'll try. Yeah. (leaves)

JULIET:
See ya later.

JULIET looks up at the ceiling and notices a loose tile. She moves a garbage can underneath and climbs up. She moves the tile and finds a couple of hand scanners. She lifts some prints.

INT. ECHO, NIGHT

SHAWN is driving when his phone rings.

SHAWN:
Jules.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -

- CUT TO:

INT. ARENA, LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT

JULIET:
Shawn, I found a couple of hand-held scanning machines here at the hall. You feel anything on scanning machines? (checks WESTWOOD’S locker)

SHAWN:
Scanning machines?

JULIET:
Yeah, for making copies.

SHAWN:
Ah, no, no. Copying devices are notoriously unreliable psychic fetters. Now, if they were three-hole punchers, different story.

JULIET:
Okay, well, I'm gonna look around some more, but I wanted to let you know Westwood left practice early today. She gave me some lie and then she just took off.

SHAWN and GUS pull up to the arena and witness WESTWOOD leaving.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm getting something now. Street clothes, green tank top, jeans, belt... Terrible, terrible belt.

JULIET:
Do you see her?

SHAWN:
En mi cabesa, Jules. I got a psychic track on her now.

The game bell goes off in the arena.

JULIET:
Okay, I gotta go. Call Lassiter if you find anything out.

SHAWN:
Of course, I'll call Lassiter. (closes phone) I'm not calling Lassiter.

GUS scoffs. They watch WESTWOOD get into her car.

SHAWN:
Follow the bouncing Westwood.

WESTWOOD pulls out and they follow.

EXT. STREET, NIGHT

GUS:
Not too close, she's gonna see us!

INT. ECHO, NIGHT

They continue to follow.

GUS:
(peers into back window) Dude... is that...

SHAWN:
What?

GUS:
I think there's a body in the back of that truck.

SHAWN:
(laughs) Gus, it's not a body.

GUS:
It is! That's a hand.

SHAWN:
Dude, this test has got you all jacked up. You're not thinking straight. You're distracted trying to remember the difference between Lermacil and Hermacil.

GUS:
Lermacil is for fever blisters, Hermacil is for eczema.

SHAWN:
And what about Chermacil?

GUS:
No such thing as Chermacil, Shawn.

SHAWN:
(turns to GUS) Studying? (looks back) Sweet Fantasy Island, that is a body!

GUS:
I told you. Not too close.

SHAWN:
Gus, Westwood is ditching a body. That's the break in the case we need.

GUS:
We need is to call Lassiter like Juliet said. And back off a little, she's gonna see us.

SHAWN:
We're not calling him. You know how this works. I really have to explain it to you every single time?

WESTWOOD turns but SHAWN doesn’t see because he’s looking at GUS.

GUS:
You just lost Westwood.

SHAWN:
Damn it!

Later they track WESTWOOD to the marina and watch as she dumps the contents from the back of her car.

SHAWN:
Bingo.

After she leaves, SHAWN opens his door.

SHAWN:
Let's go.

GUS:
I'm not going out there.

SHAWN:
(closes door) Dude, it's only gonna take a second. You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You'll get picked up for Mopery.

GUS:
Mopery?

SHAWN:
With intent to creep. Trust me, it'll kick a big hole in your future.

They exit the car.

EXT. MARINA, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS walk down the dock, eyes searching the water. They sigh and shrug.

SHAWN:
I guess it wasn't a body.

A woman’s body floats to the surface. GUS gags and runs away. SHAWN peers at it. He then looks around, realizing GUS is gone.

SHAWN:
Gus?

EXT. MARINA, DAY

SHAWN and GUS follow LASSITER along the beach to where VICK is waiting under a pier. The “body” they spotted washed up and is a mannequin.

LASSITER:
(chuckles) Well done, Spencer. (crouches) I don't know, Chief. You want me to try and get her statement? Of course, I don't speak mannequin. (grins)

SHAWN and GUS point at him.

VICK:
Cute. You might want to hold off on that because we still have all the merchandise from the Zilk's burglaries. Excellent work, Mr. Spencer.

Officers are carrying merchandise from the water.

SHAWN:
Thanks, Chief. (walks over to LASSITER) It's all right. I accept your apology.

VICK:
So the burglars weren't after the merchandise.

SHAWN:
(picks up mannequin arm) That's right.

VICK:
So what were they after?

SHAWN:
(counts mannequin’s fingers) One, two, three, four, five. Five, four. Four, five.

VICK:
What?

SHAWN:
I'm seeing four and I'm seeing five. Lassie, four and five!

LASSITER:
Nine? The number nine?

SHAWN:
No, four times five.

VICK:
20?

SHAWN:
5 and 20. 5 times 20.

VICK:
100.

SHAWN:
Minus 4 times 4 times 5.

LASSITER:
4 times 4 times 5?

GUS:
80.

VICK:
No, 20. 100 minus 80 is 20. We all have our math facts straight, Mr. Spencer. Is this going somewhere?

SHAWN:
(holds mannequin’s hand to his head) Skater number 20. She's the one who dumped all this stuff.

GUS:
That's Rita "Lethal Weapon" Westwood.

LASSITER:
Great, we got one. We need all of 'em.

SHAWN:
Correct. This is bigger than Westwood. A lot bigger. Juliet's close.

VICK:
Okay. Lassiter, let's get someone on the lookout for any more dumping sites around town.

VICK walks away. SHAWN rubs the mannequin’s hand along LASSITER’S arm. The detective just glares at him before leaving. SHAWN drops the arm and hurries in the opposite direction. GUS falls in step.

SHAWN:
We've got to get to Zilk's, and check something out.

GUS:
If you say "pants," I'm gonna sock you in your Adam's apple.

SHAWN:
Sock you in your crotch, damn it.

WILDE has been watching and is on the phone.

WILDE:
Hey, it's me. Listen, we got a situation.

FOX: (over phone)
What is it?

WILDE:
Westwood screwed up again huge. The cops found everything. If they get to her, she's gonna talk.

FOX: (over phone)
This is bad.

WILDE:
Yeah, and it gets worse. Maniac's fan boy's also here.

FOX: (over phone)
Doing what?

WILDE:
He's working with the cops.

FOX: (over phone)
Are we compromised?

WILDE:
I don't know, but after we handle Westwood, I think we need to have a talk with Maniac.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are walking through the store.

GUS:
What are we doing here, Shawn? We already know it wasn't the merchandise.

SHAWN:
But it was something else. (stops and looks at something before smiling) Let's go.

They walk over to a mannequin that is wearing GUS’ exact outfit.

SHAWN:
Dude, I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin.

GUS:
On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look. (looks at mannequin sideways)

SHAWN:
Right. I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush, sketching you.

SHAWN sees the green streaks on the floor leading to a door marked Employees Only.

SHAWN:
And we're moving. But your friend can't come.

They walk over to the door.

SHAWN:
The thieves were after something in this room.

GUS:
Dude, we can't go inside there. Read the sign.

SHAWN:
(reads photo next to door) "Laura Noid. Employee of the Month." You know her?

GUS:
Not that one. "Employees only."

SHAWN:
Gotcha. Be my lookout.

They walk closer to the door and SHAWN reaches for the knob with one hand.

GUS:
No problem. I'll just keep it safe from the outside.

SHAWN opens the door and pushes GUS into the room first.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, OFFICE

A young WOMAN is working in the office and screams when she sees them.

SHAWN:
It's okay. It's all right. My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner... (opens his mouth for a name and nothing comes out) I can't believe I'm blanking. I've done this a million times.

GUS:
Nice work.

WOMAN:
(calls security) Office, code blue.

SHAWN:
It's okay. We're not here to rob you.

WOMAN:
Your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.

GUS:
These are my clothes.

WOMAN:
Look, we don't keep the cash back here. This is the credit department.

GUS:
We just want to talk to you about the burglary.

WOMAN:
Oh, do you, Mannequin Man? Well, why don't you tell that to my little can of pepper spray? (grabs can and threatens them)

GUS:
Whoa, whoa!

SHAWN:
Hey, chill, chill, chill!

At that moment, COBURN enters with his baton raised.

SHAWN:
Stuart.

COBURN:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
(points at the WOMAN) Tell her!

COBURN:
(lowers baton) It's all right. These guys are with the police. Why is your friend dressed like the mannequin?

GUS:
That mannequin is dressed like me! Thank you. Can we go, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Hold up. What were you doing over there?

WOMAN:
Oh, uh, it's Friday. I was shredding credit card applications. It's the only fun thing I get to do.

SHAWN reads one pf the applications on the desk and sees it asks for a Social Security Number.

SHAWN:
Burglary happened on a Thursday.

GUS:
The day before they shred the credit applications.

SHAWN:
Thanks, guys. It was good to see you, Stu.

SHAWN pats COBURN on the back as he and GUS leave the office.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

Just outside the office, SHAWN calls JULIET.

SHAWN:
Jules, I'm getting some strong messages.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -

- CUT TO:

INT. ARENA, TRACK, NIGHT

JULIET is walking up to the track area.

JULIET:
Okay, what are they?

SHAWN:
First one's from Keanu Reeves. He's living in a house I built on a lake two years in the past. How will I meet him? The second is that the thieves were not after the merchandise.

JULIET:
Well, we already know that, Shawn.

SHAWN:
They were using the hand scanners to steal information off credit card applications. They're stealing identities.

JULIET:
Oh. So then ransacking the store and stealing the merchandise was just to throw us off the trail?

SHAWN:
Right-o. A handful of fake credit cards is worth more than everything in that entire store times ten. It's a pretty brilliant plan. Only slightly less brilliant than that YouTube video of the monkey bathing the cat.

WILDE and FOX skate up in front of JULIET.

WILDE:
Hey, Maniac!

FOX:
We need you to come with us, Maniac.

WILDE:
Right now.

WILDE puts her arm around JULIET’S shoulders and she goes with them.

SHAWN:
Jules, who is that? Who's talking?

The phone clicks off.

SHAWN:
We gotta go.

EXT. ARENA, NIGHT

GUS pulls into the parking lot. They get out of the car and walk to the entrance.

GUS:
So we have three suspects.

SHAWN:
Two to go.

GUS:
And you think they're on to Juliet?

SHAWN:
I said they might be. Either way, we're gonna find out pretty quick.

GUS:
What do you think they'll do to her?

They stop when they see JULIET’S friendship bracelet on the ground. They look at each other and then the building.

SHAWN:
They may've done it already. (sees WESTWOOD’S truck) That's Westwood's truck.

They walk over to the truck and peer into the back window.

GUS:
I can't see anything.

SHAWN:
Look for something to jimmy the lock.

GUS turns the latch and the window opens. SHAWN walks back and GUS lowers the tailgate to reveal a moving blanket covering something. SHAWN put his hands on his head, anquished.

SHAWN:
Oh!

GUS flips back the blanket to reveal a dead WESTWOOD.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Thank God.

GUS:
Thank God? It's a dead person.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but it's not Juliet.

GUS:
It's still a human being, Shawn. It's Westwood. What's the matter with you? (covers the body)

SHAWN:
You're saying you'd rather it be someone that we know and care about?

GUS closes the back of the car.

SHAWN:
Fine, next time I see Jules, I'll just tell her you wish she was dead. (walks off)

GUS:
(follows) I never said that I wished Juliet was dead.

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, NIGHT

There is a match going on.

ANNOUNCER:
Lead jammer Mrs. Bash is trapped in the pack! Speed Freak trying to slash through Pismo's vulnerable inside line. The Trollops are gonna have to do a 180 in the second half tonight.

SHAWN and GUS push through the audience so their on the edge of the track.

SHAWN:
(spots JULIET) Maniac!

JULIET waves him off as she passes.

ANNOUNCER:
Unless Hayseed Wannabe and Off-White Trash have their way, it might just happen. It's down to the wire, friends.

FOX and WILDE are planning something. FOX reaches down to her leg, pulls out a tag and sticks it on JULIET’S back. FOX then whispers to some of the other players.

SHAWN:
Oh, my God. The roller girls are onto Juliet.

GUS:
Which ones?

SHAWN:
The bad ones. And I know who they are. They're marking their own teammate. They want to hurt her or worse.

JULIET is starting to realize her teammates are up to something.

GUS:
We gotta do something. (steals a pair of skates from audience member)

ANNOUNCER:
Things are heating up out here, people. I hope you've brought protection.

The skaters start preparing to get JULIET. GUS comes back wearing the skates and a helmet. He’s a little unsteady.

SHAWN:
Gus! (hurries over) What are you doing?

GUS:
You've been complaining about me not being any help here, and that's about to change. They're gonna try to make a run for it, but not before they take Juliet down.

SHAWN:
Yes, yes. But this is a terrible idea.

GUS:
I can skate, Shawn. I got this. (skates onto the track)

SHAWN:
What are you...

ANNOUNCER:
Now it looks like we got a guest on the track?

GUS skates against traffic.

JULIET:
Hey!

ANNOUNCER:
You're taking your life in your hands, pal.

FOX and WILDE make their move. GUS blocks WILDE and she falls.

ANNOUNCER:
And oh, Speed Freak goes down! There's something you don't see every day.

GUS turns around and smiles at SHAWN who gives him a thumbs-up. GUS turns back to be met with a wall of angry skaters, two of whom knock him to the floor.

SHAWN:
Oh, man!

SHAWN runs out onto the track and helps GUS up. He then pushes him after the other skaters. FOX rounds the corner and heads for SHAWN. He stands in the middle of the track and waves his fingers in a “come and get me” motion. JULIET sees what happening and reaches SHAWN just in time, putting her arm out in time to knock FOX down. LASSITER and VICK arrive in the background.

JULIET:
Shawn, watch out!

SHAWN tries to get out of the way but causes a massive pileup on the track. JULIET makes her way back to SHAWN and puts her hands on her hips. SHAWN mouths “Thank you”. She mouths “You’re welcome”. The skaters get back up and resume the race.

WOMAN:
Come on! Let’s go!

EXT. ARENA, NIGHT

SHAWN, GUS and JULIET are waiting outside when VICK joins them.

VICK:
Four suspects?

JULIET:
It was identity theft, Chief. They were only after the information off the credit card applications the customers fill out. All of the stores they hit had similar credit card programs.

SHAWN:
They break in, wreak havoc, and split before the clock runs out.

GUS:
Just the kind of anarchy their fans pay for night after night.

JULIET:
I got prints off a key piece of evidence I found here.

SHAWN:
She got 'em when she wasn't busy kicking ass! Huh? Can I hear something for Maniac? She really brought it, huh? Am I right? Who's with me?

LASSITER is bringing out FOX and WILDE.

VICK:
Lassiter, take them away.

SHAWN:
(holds hands to his head) Whoa, whoa, wait. I'm seeing the fifth suspect.

LASSITER:
She get away?

SHAWN:
No. Rita "Lethal Weapon" Westwood. Unfortunately, you'll find her body in her pickup truck in the parking lot. She's the one that botched the merchandise drop. She paid dearly for it.

VICK:
Anything else?

SHAWN:
Um, not really. Did I mention Juliet's roller derby awesomeness? Huh? Maniac, Maniac, Maniac. I can't get anything from these people.

GUS:
They're murderers, Shawn. They're going away for life. I gotta study. (walks away)

VICK:
Lassiter, take them away.

LASSITER:
Ladies. (takes them away)

VICK:
You two work together well.

SHAWN:
I certainly think so. We're available for more cases, by the way. Embezzlement, extortion, espionage. Pretty much anything that starts with "e." Elephant theft.

VICK:
I'll take that under advisement.

VICK looks at JULIET with a small smile before walking away.

JULIET:
Elephant theft?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah.

JULIET:
People steal elephants?

SHAWN:
Major problem. Pretty much out of control.

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

JULIET is in regular clothes and carrying her skates. SHAWN sits up in one of the chairs as she approaches.

SHAWN:
Oh, hey, Jules! What are you doing here?

JULIET:
I'm returning my equipment. What are you doing here?

SHAWN:
Just hangin'. You know, chillin'. I was actually feeling a little nostalgic. Remember when we cracked that case here and the criminals turned out to be roller derby girls? (chuckles)

JULIET:
Yeah, I remember that.

SHAWN:
Gosh, seems like it was just yesterday. (stands and is wearing skates)

JULIET:
Probably because it was yesterday. Why are you wearing skates?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah, look at that. I guess I am. I don't know. Uh, I guess I just thought it was a shame. We have this big, beautiful track and no one to skate on it. It's also been a while since I've had a good blister.

JULIET:
Mmm.

SHAWN holds up the index finger on his right hand and twirls it.

DJ:
This will be a couples’ skate. Couples only.

“Space Age Love Song” by A Flock of Seagulls plays. SHAWN looks at JULIET with a little head tilt.

SHAWN:
Come on!

JULIET:
Shawn!

Moments later the DJ turns on the spotlight and follows them around the track. SHAWN is having a little difficult time. JULIET puts a hand on his arm to steady him.

JULIET:
Did you do that on purpose?

SHAWN:
No. Maybe. Okay, yes. Yes, I did.

They skate side-by-side and SHAWN tries to take her hand.

JULIET:
(pulls hand away) No hands.

She puts her hand back down and they continue to skate, the backs of their hands touching.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

GUS is sitting at his desk, his laptop open, as he tries to sign in for his exam.

GUS:
Damn!

SHAWN:
(at his desk) What is it?

GUS:
It won't let me log in. And I have to take my exam by today!

SHAWN:
Really? (closes laptop) That's probably because I just took it for you.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I can't believe you're still using "chocolate thunder" as your password.

GUS:
You took my exam?

SHAWN:
Little harder than the river raft test, way easier than the Secret Service test. Any of the questions I didn't know I just answered "c". Right?

GUS leans back in his chair, hands on head, a look of panic on his face.

GUS:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

SHAWN:
Dude, it's done. Relax. And you know what? Nailed it! Well, almost nailed it. At the very least, definitely didn't blow it.

GUS:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
I don't think...

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
Hey, you're in, okay? Sadly, you're still a pharmaceutical rep. But hey, whatever.

GUS:
I studied for this test all week for nothing.

SHAWN:
Yes, you did. But that's the sort of thing that builds character.

GUS jumps up from his chair. SHAWN does the same and runs away through the outer office.

SHAWN:
Knowledge is power! Don't you want to feel powerful?

He runs back through the main office and GUS rounds on him.

GUS:
Shawn.

GUS chases SHAWN through the office and SHAWN screams.