Transcript: 2x12 The Old and the Restless
EXT. BEACH, DAY
SHAWN and his GRANDFATHER are sitting on a park bench in front of the house facing the beach. SHAWN opens a bag of breadcrumbs to feed the birds.
GRANDFATHER:
Put that down. We're not here to feed the birds. That's just a cover to throw your dad off.
SHAWN:
Well, if we're not here to feed the birds, what are we here to do, Grandpa?
GRANDFATHER:
We're here to girl watch, everything they do is magical, mysterious. Your grandmother was a lifetime of surprises. Now, what can you tell me about her?
GRANDFATHER points to a woman on the beach. SHAWN sees a strap mark on her left ankle.
SHAWN:
She's a surfer. She's goofy-footed.
GRANDFATHER:
Goofy?
SHAWN:
Left-handed, but with her feet.
GRANDFATHER:
No, stop. Stop that right now. I don't want you to profile her, or tell me who she actually is. I want you to tell me who you think she is. What she likes, what she dreams about. Use your imagination.
SHAWN:
Well, then her name is Larsa Von Lykenhoffer.
GRANDFATHER:
(laughs) German broad! Yes! What else? What else?
SHAWN:
And she's a giraffe wrangler and a test pilot. And it's possible she's a Manimal.
GRANDFATHER laughs and neither notices HENRY as he walks up to them.
HENRY:
(leans on bench back) Shawn, I thought I told you to finish the dishes before you feed the birds. Dad, Shawn's got chores that come before goofin' off at the beach.
GRANDFATHER:
Let me relax with my grandson.
HENRY:
What are you two doing exactly?
GRANDFATHER:
Just beach gazing! You wouldn't understand!
HENRY:
I understand. You wanna beach gaze? Scoot over. (taps SHAWN as he moves over and sits on the bench) You wanna beach gaze. We'll all beach gaze. (crosses arms) Close your eyes, Shawn. How many towels with red stripes?
SHAWN closes his eyes.
GRANDFATHER:
Here we go with the towel thing again.
SHAWN:
(remembers the towels) Four.
GRANDFATHER:
Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything?
HENRY:
Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me. All right? He's got responsibilities. (to SHAWN) And you, you, better be two steps behind me, 'cause you got a date with some suds and a sponge. (ruffles SHAWN’S hair and leaves)
SHAWN starts to get up to follow HENRY when his GRANDFATHER stops him.
GRANDFATHER:
Do me a favor, Shawn. Sometimes you gotta let what your dad says float through the ears. Make your own choices. Don't take life too seriously. Travel the world. Meet interesting people. Have some adventures. Because some day you're gonna wake up and realize you're too old to do anything really fun.
SHAWN:
Yes, Grandpa.
PRESENT DAY
EXT. WOODS, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS scurry through the wooded area along a tall cement wall to where it meets a chain-link fence.
GUS:
This isn't gonna work, Shawn.
SHAWN:
It's gonna work.
GUS:
We've failed to get in here six times. We haven't gotten to one witness. We haven't seen where the missing man disappeared from. This place is a fortress.
SHAWN:
I think you might be right. Maybe we should crawl.
GUS:
I'm not crawling on this wet grass.
They stop at a gate with high voltage signs posted.
SHAWN:
Dude, I read an article that says 90% of high-voltage signs are bogus. They just hang them up there to scare people off.
GUS:
Good theory. You test it.
SHAWN:
I can't touch that. I conduct way more electricity than you. You know that. Touch it. Just use your fingertip.
GUS:
I'm not touching an electrified fence, Shawn.
A large GUARD puts a hand on each of their shoulders and pins them around to face him.
GUARD:
How about I touch it?
SHAWN:
I don't think I like the way that sounds.
The GUARD shoves them away.
INT. HENRY’S, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
HENRY is sitting on the couch reading a magazine while drinking a beer as SHAWN and GUS try to sneak past him with items for a stakeout; binoculars, a cooler, boots, flashlight and a grappling hook.
HENRY:
What the hell are you two doing with my stuff?
SHAWN:
We need tools.
HENRY:
For what?
SHAWN:
(sighs and sets down cooler) If you must ask, it's for a stakeout, okay. We've got a tough case, and our binoculars only go up to 2x.
HENRY:
Well, what are you doing with my cooler?
GUS:
We have to keep the gelato cold in the car.
HENRY:
You two girls are useless. Shawn, didn't you learn anything I ever taught you about surveillance?
SHAWN:
We happen to be awesome at covert ops.
GUS:
We just ran into a bit of a gauntlet, and took a missing person case based in an extremely difficult place to crack.
HENRY:
Uh-huh. And what impenetrable stronghold did this missing person disappear from?
SHAWN:
(mumbles) Glorious Pines.
HENRY:
Say again?
SHAWN:
Glorious Pines.
HENRY:
The old age home?
SHAWN:
It's a retirement community.
GUS:
It's top-of-the-line in independent senior living, with a full-time security team.
HENRY:
My son, the super sleuth, can't even get himself access into an old folk’s home.
SHAWN:
No, no, no, no, Dad. You have no idea what we're up against. Okay? I tried everything. I tried the whole I'm-a-traveling-doula bit, (Australian accent) the-dingo-ate-my-baby routine, (normal voice) hiding-Gus-in-a-sack trick, which never fails. Trust me. You wouldn't have gotten any closer than we did.
HENRY:
Give me a break. I'll be in that joint, crack the case in eight minutes.
SHAWN and GUS look at each other and smile.
SHAWN:
(laughs) Okay, yeah, tomorrow. It's on. Show us how it's done.
HENRY:
No, wait, just hold on a second. I didn't mean to...
SHAWN:
Exactly.
SHAWN and GUS lean over to pick up the cooler.
HENRY:
(leans forward) 6:00 a.m. sharp.
SHAWN:
That's too early.
GUS:
How about 9:00?
HENRY:
9:00's a little late.
SHAWN:
Come on, guys. Let's be reasonable. Just split the difference. Okay? Call it 11:15.
HENRY:
6:00 it is. I'll drive.
INT. TRUCK, DAY
SHAWN and HENRY are sitting in HENRY’S parked truck. GUS is asleep, his head resting on HENRY’S shoulder. HENRY looks through binoculars towards the entrance of Glorious Pines just down the road.
SHAWN:
You sure you wanna park this close, Dad? We're almost a quarter of a mile away.
HENRY:
Shawn, we're exactly where we should be to get a read on the situation.
SHAWN:
I can literally see the curvature of the earth from here.
HENRY:
You know, Shawn, why don't you honk the horn and let them know that we're here while you're at it? Who is this missing guy?
SHAWN:
Oswald Chester, resident, 73 years old. (pulls photo from shirt pocket and gives it to HENRY) He's been missing for three days. And what we've gathered from our client is the community is trying to cover it up.
HENRY:
Your client went to the police already?
SHAWN:
I don't know, Dad. We didn't get that far.
HENRY:
What? You didn't ask the question? What are you doing, Shawn? Didn't you learn anything that I tried to…
SHAWN:
All right, that's enough of this nonsense. (gets out of the truck)
HENRY:
No, not enough. We've just started. (gets out of the truck)
GUS is startled awake when HENRY slams the door.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN strides down the street and HENRY hurries to catch up.
HENRY:
Slow down, would you? What are you gonna do, march right in there?
GUS catches up to them.
GUS:
That looks to be the plan.
HENRY:
No wonder you guys are failing so badly. Rule number one, never make yourself known to your target. Rule number two...
SHAWN:
Dad, you got your glasses?
HENRY:
Yeah, of course I got my glasses.
SHAWN:
Good. Go ahead and put 'em on.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, ENTRANCE, DAY
They walk towards the main entrance of Glorious Pines.
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN:
Here, give me that. (takes HENRY’S coffee)
HENRY:
Oh, a disguise. Look at you go. Right out of the private eye handbook, huh?
SHAWN reaches into the shopping cart of a man passing by and pulls out a worn bucket hat.
SHAWN:
Here, put this on too. (gives hat to HENRY)
HENRY:
This thing's like 100 years old. (puts on hat)
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter through the sliding doors followed by HENRY.
HENRY:
But Shawn, I look like Henry Fonda.
SHAWN:
Allow me to apologize in advance for this. (throws coffee onto HENRY)
HENRY:
Ah... hot! What the hell, Shawn? What the hell?
GUS spots a cane leaning against a sofa and tosses it to SHAWN. SHAWN gives it to HENRY.
SHAWN:
Hold this for a sec?
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN and GUS walk over to the reception area where a sever woman stands behind the counter.
WOMAN:
May I help you?
SHAWN:
Yes, Pamela, is it? (peers at nametag)
PAMELA:
That's what it says right in front of you. May I help you?
SHAWN:
We are here to check somebody in.
PAMELA:
Really? And who might that be?
SHAWN:
My grandfather.
SHAWN, GUS and PAMELA look over at HENRY who then makes a face.
**********************************************************************
PSYCH
“The Old and the Restless”
By
Anupam Nigam
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Jason Ensler
**********************************************************************
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
HENRY:
I'm not doing this. Shawn… No, Shawn. Shawn…
SHAWN:
Grampy. Grampy! Calm blue ocean.
HENRY:
I’m not doing it! I’m not doing…
SHAWN:
Calm blue ocean. Go to your quiet place.
PAMELA:
I'm sorry, but we don't accept walk-in admissions. There's an application and a very long waiting list.
HENRY:
Uh, fine. We're leaving.
HENRY starts to walk away but SHAWN hooks his arm and pulls him back.
SHAWN:
No, no, no. Absolutely. He just got in off the waiting list.
HENRY:
God, I'm not on any damn waiting list.
GUS:
Please forgive our Grampy here. He gets irate and a little forgetful.
SHAWN, HENRY and PAMELA look at GUS.
PAMELA:
You two are brothers?
SHAWN:
Our father worked at Benetton.
PAMELA:
And what's your grandfather's name?
SHAWN:
Talmadge McGulager.
PAMELA:
Just a moment. (walks away)
HENRY:
Talmadge McGulager? Brilliant. (walks away from counter) All right, look, what the hell are you guys doing here?
GUS:
This is the part where you get blindsided with Plan B. It's kinda fun when it's not happening to me.
SHAWN:
Look, I'm getting us in. Relax, Dad. I mean, Grandpappy.
HENRY:
This is never gonna work.
PAMELA comes out into the lobby.
PAMELA:
Mr. McGulager? Looks like we're all set.
HENRY:
(stunned) What?
PAMELA:
You're who I've been waiting for. My apologies. I'm Pamela, the chief administrator. (walks over and shakes his hand) My goodness, you don't look remotely old enough to live here.
HENRY looks smugly at SHAWN.
SHAWN:
Grandpapa is 72. It's true. The thing is he used to be a male model. That's why he looks so young. You can see he had a lot of plastic surgery done.
PAMELA:
(peers at his face) 72? My, my, they have done marvelous work. I would have guessed 59, 60 tops.
SHAWN smiles at HENRY’S discomfort.
HENRY:
All right, you listen here, lady, I'm not a day over...
SHAWN:
Opa! You be sweet to Pamela. She's here to help us. She is a helper. Sorry, Pamela. He's gone a little... How can I put this eloquently? (spins a finger beside his head and mouths “Loco”)
PAMELA:
I understand. A lot of our residents are hesitant at first. Excuse me while I get some forms. (leaves)
SHAWN looks around and heads up the stairs. GUS goes with him and HENRY reluctantly follows.
HENRY:
All right, how did you know about this Talmadge?
SHAWN:
Dad, use the cane. It really helps sell it.
They stop on the landing and look down into the common room where some couples are dancing while others watch.
HENRY:
Wait, wait, wait. You had this planned all along?
SHAWN:
I snatched this off one of the guards that tossed us. (holds up small notepad) According to the schedule, Talmadge McGulager was supposed to check in last night. So I called Mr. McGulager and informed him that the community is infested with African Gambian Pouch Rats.
GUS:
The largest rats in the world. Nice.
SHAWN:
He'll be back in three days. It's the amount of time it takes to fly in and deploy the pouch rat's natural predator.
GUS:
The Sudanese birch pelican.
HENRY:
You don't actually expect me to spend three days here.
SHAWN:
No, no, no. We're gonna solve it in two. The third day is really more about reflection. Besides, with you in here, we'll be able to get visitor's passes, come and go as we please.
HENRY:
All right, all right, I'll tell you what, Shawn. Normally I'd storm outta here. I'd leave you in the lurch. But this time, kid, just this time, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'll be your Talmadge MaGooder.
SHAWN:
McGregor.
GUS:
McGulager.
SHAWN:
Exactly.
HENRY:
I'll be all those guys. And I'll have this case solved by lunch.
SHAWN:
(laughs) Considering they eat lunch here at 10:15, I'm gonna say we'll have it done by 9:45.
HENRY:
You're on.
SHAWN:
You're on.
PAMELA returns with a stack of papers in her hands.
PAMELA:
Mr. McGulager, why don't I show you around the facilities and your grandboys fill out your admissions paperwork?
HENRY, SHAWN and GUS head back down the stairs to PAMELA.
HENRY:
That's a brilliant idea, boys. Why don't you get right on that?
SHAWN:
Can we fill that out later? We'd really like to take a look around as well.
GUS:
Yeah, and I have a bit of carpal tunnel going on. (rubs wrist)
SHAWN:
We'll just tag along if that's okay.
PAMELA:
You don't take one step past this point until all of these forms are complete. (hands forms to SHAWN) There are two signatures which must be in blue. (SHAWN hands forms to GUS) I'll let you figure out which ones those are. Lester here will check your work when you're done.
PAMELA walks away and LESTER, a large guard, comes over and stands in front of them.
INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
VICK has called JULIET and LASSITER into her office.
JULIET:
You wanted to see us, Chief?
VICK:
What's your caseload like?
JULIET:
Light.
LASSITER:
…ish.
VICK:
Good answer. Because I have a special assignment that comes directly from the Mayor.
LASSITER:
The Mayor? Really?
VICK:
Yes! There's your assignment.
VICK points to the bullpen and JULIET and LASSITER turn around. Sitting by one of the desks is a teenage boy. He sticks out a leg and trips an officer as he walks past.
JULIET:
Is he a witness or something?
VICK:
No, he's just a delinquent. He's been pulling off some penny ante vandal stuff. Taking down street signs, crazy gluing parking meter slots, removing hood ornaments. Nothing serious yet, but...
LASSITER:
Ah, but that's how it starts. One minute they're destroying public property and the next thing you know they're shooting cops.
VICK:
So what I need you to do is...
LASSITER:
No, I know exactly where you were going with this thing, chief. It's like our brains are just connected on this thing. I'm just trying to figure out how we try this kid as an adult.
VICK:
I need you to dial it back about 50 notches, or I will ask you to put your gun on my desk. What you are going to do is straighten him out. Spend a little time with him. Take him on a ride-along. Nurture him. Show him what a life of crime leads to.
JULIET:
And he gets this special treatment because?
VICK:
His mother's the Deputy Mayor, and she doesn't want the kid in the system. So just fix him.
LASSITER and JULIET share a look as VICK sits.
LASSITER:
Yes, ma'am.
JULIET and LASSITER leave the office.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
GUS rubs his wrist as they walk down the hall.
GUS:
I think all that writing gave me a ganglion cyst.
SHAWN:
You can't get a cyst from filling out paperwork.
GUS:
If the pen is wrong, you can. There's definitely some carpal bossing in there. We should see if they have some extra thumb splints lying around.
SHAWN:
You know what we should do? We should enroll you in some man classes.
HENRY approaches from down the hall.
HENRY:
Well, well, well. Look who's here. While you two guys were off dottin' your I's and crossing your T's, I was busy cracking your case.
A short GUARD comes up to them from behind HENRY.
GUARD:
It worked. You're finally in. (ushers them down the hall)
HENRY:
Who the hell is he?
SHAWN:
He's our client.
HENRY:
What, you had a guy on the inside, and you needed me to get you in here? Come on!
GUARD:
I didn't get all the clearances I was hoping for, okay?
GUS:
Jervis works here part-time. He doesn't exactly get the respect he deserves.
The same GUARD who kicked SHAWN and GUS out the night before, walks down the hall and knocks into JERVIS.
JERVIS:
Whoa! (regains footing)
GUARD:
(recognizes SHAWN and GUS) Hey! How the hell did you two get in here? You're coming with me.
GUS:
I don't think so.
SHAWN and GUS hold up their passes.
SHAWN:
Bam! Say it with me. Visitor's badge!
GUS:
Aha-ha, Aha-ha. Do something. I dare you!
GUARD:
I'll be watching you.
SHAWN:
We'll be gettin' watched.
With a glare at JERVIS, the GUARD walks away.
JERVIS:
Jeez, we gotta hurry. I'm not supposed to be off lawn duty. I'll show you where you're sleeping.
HENRY:
I'm not sleepin' anywhere.
HENRY follows as JERVIS takes SHAWN and GUS down the hall.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, CHESTER’S ROOM, DAY
JERVIS opens the door and leads the way into the room,
JERVIS:
I at least got them to give Talmadge the other empty bed in Oswald's room.
HENRY:
Yeah, you practically own the joint. (closes the door behind him)
SHAWN:
Jervis, give him the scoop, so he'll shut up for a minute.
JERVIS:
Oswald disappeared from this room three mornings ago without a trace.
HENRY:
Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna ask the first question that my son should have asked. Have you tried the police?
JERVIS:
The police? The police couldn't catch bird flu at a Hong Kong duck farm. They blew me off just like the staff here did.
HENRY:
Anything else you wanna tell us, Mr. Kent?
JERVIS:
No, not that I can think of.
HENRY:
Are you sure?
SHAWN:
Dad, what are you getting at? Just spit it out.
HENRY:
Shawn, Oswald Chester disappeared from these grounds 12 times before, and in the last three instances they threatened to throw his ass outta here if he ever did it again. Don't you check these nutcases out before you take 'em on?
GUS:
Is that true, Jervis?
JERVIS:
Uh, yes.
HENRY:
Did you also happen to mention to my son that during these jaunts, the community here filled out a missing persons report only to have good old Ozzie pop up the next day?
JERVIS:
Guys, I know what this sounds like. But Ozzie did not run off on his own. Not this time.
GUS:
And you know this how?
JERVIS:
He was my best friend. I could always tell when he was getting antsy, when he wanted to run. But this time there were no warning signs. He just vanished into thin air.
HENRY:
(scratches head) Jervis, life lesson number 20. People lie, and they leave without warning. Life sucks.
SHAWN looks at the bedside table and sees a wallet as well as a braided rope bracelet.
SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. I'm getting something. It's strong, leathery, could be alligator. He left without his wallet. He doesn't have his wallet.
JERVIS:
That's amazing.
SHAWN:
Can't get very far without cash, can you, Pop?
JERVIS:
Yeah, and all his cash and credit cards are still in his wallet.
GUS:
You went through his wallet?
JERVIS:
Of course I did. I'm investigating this thing too, you know. I have a theory based on formaldehyde and mind control.
HENRY:
Jervis, do you mind if I confer with my two grandsons here for a moment while we work through all this?
JERVIS walks to the door and stops as HENRY opens it.
JERVIS:
But you haven't heard my identical twins theory… (steps outside)
HENRY:
First thing tomorrow morning. (closes the door) All right, Shawn. Come on, let's go. There is no case here. This guy is just AWOL.
SHAWN and GUS begin to look around the room and SHAWN picks up the bracelet for closer inspection.
GUS:
Hey, look at this. Oswald was on Prazosin for high blood pressure.
SHAWN:
(walks over) Why would he possibly leave without his Parlection?
HENRY:
You can fill that prescription anywhere, Shawn.
SHAWN clicks his tongue. He looks around the room and sees a photo of a younger Oswald in track gear, a tattoo on his inner right forearm. He also looks at the calendar hanging on the wall and notices increasing numbers written in on certain days: 5, 6, 20, 26.2.
SHAWN:
He went running.
HENRY:
What?
They all walk over and look at the calendar.
SHAWN:
He was training for a marathon. (claps hands) Those numbers are the distances he was trying to reach, and the date that's circled is the Santa Barbara Marathon.
HENRY:
And how do you know that?
SHAWN:
Easy. It's the same as Val Kilmer's birthday. We gotta figure out where he went jogging.
HENRY:
All right, Shawn, I'm gonna humor ya. Let's get outta here. (leaves)
SHAWN:
Humor me? That was spot on. It's like almond butter with honey.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS join up with HENRY and walk down the hall.
HENRY:
You only know that because you have an unhealthy fascination with the guy from Real Genius.
SHAWN:
Okay, that's it. You're not coming with us. I am going down to that Nazi lady at the front desk, and I am having your in-out privileges revoked.
PAMELA approaches them with a woman pushing a room service cart.
PAMELA:
Oh, Mr. McGulager. This is Meredith Cloverfield.
MEREDITH:
Hi, I'm in charge of room service here.
PAMELA:
She's gonna check on your special dietary needs. (continues past them)
MEREDITH:
Now, do you have any digestive issues?
HENRY:
No, no, not...
SHAWN:
Don't let him lie to you, Miss Cloverfield. He has a very weak heart. All he can have is egg whites and powdered dirt. (walks past MEREDITH)
GUS:
(pats HENRY on the back) And he shouldn't have any solid foods after noon.
GUS joins SHAWN and they walk backwards shooting “air baskets” as they go.
MEREDITH:
Is that true?
HENRY:
No, no. My son is a liar.
MEREDITH:
Your son?
HENRY:
No, no. I, uh, my grandson, too, both liars. Big filthy liars.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, ENTRANCE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS take off their passes as they walk out the door and slip them into their pants pockets.
GUS:
So how are we gonna blindly trace a man's jogging path?
SHAWN:
We're gonna use my Indian blood.
GUS:
You can't get Indian blood by working in a casino.
SHAWN:
(scoffs) Maybe you can't.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk out to the street and intersection.
SHAWN:
Dude, this place goes nowhere. If I was gonna run, I'd go that way. (goes right)
>>> LATER >>>
They come to a halt where there is a barrier across the road and can see hikers and joggers.
GUS:
Now where do we go?
SHAWN sees a sign for the hiking and jogging trail.
SHAWN:
I sense he'd go this way. (walks towards trail entrance)
GUS:
Wow, that's amazing, Shawn. (follows SHAWN)
EXT. PARK, DAY
SHAWN and GUS cross a bridge.
GUS:
Man, this guy was in good shape.
SHAWN:
Would you stop it? He was, like, 100. Maybe if you weren't wearing plowman's boots.
GUS:
I'm not wearing plowman's boots, Shawn!
They come to a fork in the trail. The right side is uphill and shaded. The left is lower and sunnier.
SHAWN:
All right, looks like we got two options.
GUS:
I say we go this way. (starts for the left fork)
SHAWN:
No, hold up. Let's think this through for a minute.
SHAWN turns around and looks at the sun, had held up to shade his eyes. He turns back, kneels on the ground and pinches some dirt between his fingers, sniffing it. He then licks it.
GUS:
What are you doing?
SHAWN:
(stands) I'd go uphill first, save the downhill part for the home stretch. Plus this side gets better shade in the afternoon. I'm also sensing some water buffalo nearby.
GUS:
What is that, your Indian blood? (walks to the right trail)
SHAWN:
(walks up the path with GUS) They were here first, Gus. Don't ever forget that. Always hatin' on the Indians.
GUS:
It's not the Indians, Shawn. I'm hatin' on you. (shoves SHAWN)
GUS and SHAWN come to an uphill climb with wide terraced dirt steps edged with wood. On a large stone alongside the path, SHAWN notices blood.
SHAWN:
Dude, that rock is sprayed with arterial red. (jogs up the steps)
GUS:
(follows SHAWN) Maybe it's road kill. Taste it.
SHAWN:
(stops and faces GUS) What is that about?
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
My whole life you've been trying to get me taste blood. Every time I cut myself or scrape myself, it was, (as GUS) "Shawn, taste it, lick it. It'll make you feel better."
GUS:
It does. Lick it.
SHAWN:
It's not my blood. It's on a rock. (picks up something from the ground by the rock) Dude, a pedometer. It's exactly what a marathon runner would be carrying around with him. How far would you say we are from the community? (looks at readout)
GUS:
I would say about six miles.
SHAWN holds out the pedometer for GUS to read: 6.03 miles.
GUS:
I guess we found the place where he fell.
SHAWN:
Yeah, we did. Now we got a bigger problem. If he's not at the community, and he's not here, where the hell is his body?
They look around them at the wooded area.
INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter through the double doors.
GUS:
This is the closest hospital to the drop zone. If someone came across Oswald's body, this is where he would be.
They walk up to the nurses’ station.
SHAWN:
Hi there. We're looking for my father, Oswald Chester.
The WOMAN checks the computer.
WOMAN:
I'm sorry, we don't have anyone here by that name.
SHAWN:
Hmm. You know what? He left his I.D. at home. Can you check for a John Doe, please? Actually, can you check all the Does? Tae-kwon, cookie, Play, do-si…
WOMAN:
I'm sorry. Visiting hours just ended.
SHAWN taps the countertop before he and GUS walk away.
SHAWN:
Looks like we're gonna have to go...
GUS:
Shawn?
SHAWN:
Incognito.
SHAWN steps into a supply room as GUS walks into a locker room right next door. A few moments later they each exit. SHAWN is wearing a doctor’s lab coat over blue scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck. GUS is wearing a pink-striped smock over his clothes, a small paper cap on his head.
SHAWN:
Candy striper? Really? I didn't even know they made those uniforms for men.
GUS:
They just started. There was a lawsuit.
SHAWN:
I'm just saying, aim higher.
SHAWN walks away. GUS angrily takes off the cap and puts in back in the locker room before following SHAWN.
EXT. STREET, DAY
LASSITER drives along the road.
INT. CAR, DAY
JULIET is in the passenger seat and the BOY is in the back behind the grate.
LASSITER:
I hope you understand what a huge break you're getting here.
BOY:
This back seat smells like foot. I mean, seriously, did something die back here?
LASSITER:
That's the smell of your future unless you straighten up and fly right.
BOY:
(puts fingers through the grate and looks at JULIET) What's your story, baby?
JULIET:
Excuse me?
LASSITER:
It's Detective O'Hara, punk. And that's strike one.
BOY:
Is he always like this?
JULIET:
Call me baby again, you're gonna get on my bad side too.
BOY:
Whoa, what bad side? All good from where I'm sitting.
LASSITER:
Hey, unless you wanna pee in front of seven other guys for the rest of your life, you will respect the badge.
JULIET:
Why don't you tell me why you're acting out?
LASSITER:
I'm not acting out! He started it!
JULIET:
I was talking to the kid.
BOY:
Did anyone tell you that your hair smells like strawberries?
LASSITER:
Peaches.
JULIET and the BOY look at him.
LASSITER:
(recovers) I have to buy peaches on the way home. I just remembered.
JULIET smiles.
BOY:
So, uh, Juliet...
LASSITER:
It's Detective O'Hara! Strike two.
BOY:
You gotta lighten up, man. You get to hang out with this amazingly hot woman all day long.
LASSITER:
Detective O'Hara's an officer of the law. She is a competent investigator, efficient with her paperwork, and maintains her work space in a clean and orderly fashion. But she is above all things, not hot! (realizes what he’s said and looks straight ahead)
INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk around a ward and look through the windows at the patients inside.
NURSE:
(over loudspeaker) Wheelchair to admitting. Wheelchair to admitting.
SHAWN sees a tattoo on the forearm of one of the male patients and remembers seeing it on an older photo of Oswald Chester.
GUS:
That's Oswald!
SHAWN:
Let's find out what happened. Medical students?
GUS:
Residents.
SHAWN:
It's all the same to me.
INT. HOSPITAL, WARD, DAY
SHAWN and GUS stride into the ward. The four residents look at them.
SHAWN:
Hello. I am Dr. Howser. I am filling in today. This is my personal candy striper Knick Knack.
GUS:
(raises a hand) Hello.
SHAWN:
He's from Guam. We will be instructing you. Let's begin. You, impress me.
RESIDENT 1:
This patient is three days post-op. He has an open wound, which is healing nicely.
The RESIDENT lifts the bandage over the wound and GUS gags. SHAWN and GUS turn away.
SHAWN:
Knick Knack, get a hold of yourself! Or I'll put you on the first raft back to Talofo. (turns back and sees wound) Oh! God! That looks like road kill… (stutters) Yeah, is what his family probably thought when they came here to visit, because they love him. You know what? I was... I was thinking of something more in an older guy. Athletic build. Perhaps in a coma or a coma-like state.
RESIDENT 2:
The patient behind you is in a coma.
SHAWN:
No… (turns to look at Oswald and then back) Perfect. Let's begin there.
They walk over to Oswald and peer down at him.
RESIDENT 1:
John Doe, admitted two days ago with severe hypotension causing low brain perfusion. Also suffered Inter-Cranial bleed from syncope and falling down.
They straighten up. SHAWN looks at GUS questioningly. GUS shrugs.
SHAWN:
What the hell's wrong with you? Where do you get off using all those long, complicated words in front of the patient? You know, when I went to school where one goes to become a doctor…
GUS:
Med school.
SHAWN:
Yes. There was something called bedside manner. Do they not teach that anymore?
RESIDENT 1:
Uh, sir, this patient's unconscious. He can't hear me.
SHAWN:
You're wrong. You're dead wrong. He can hear you. Sure, his body is sleeping, but inside he is dancing, he is feeling it.
GUS:
He's doing his thing.
SHAWN:
And he hears you say all those scary words, and he retreats right back into his mind. Now, do you wanna help this patient or not?
RESIDENT 1:
Of course, sir.
SHAWN:
Then speak to me like I'm ten years old.
RESIDENT 1:
He had a sudden drop in blood pressure, which deprived his brain of blood. He also suffered a contusion and small cerebral hemorrhage.
SHAWN:
(nods) Talk to me like I'm five.
RESIDENT 1:
His blood pressure went boom, and his brain got an owie.
SHAWN:
I see. And why do we suspect foul play?
RESIDENT 2:
We don't suspect foul play.
SHAWN:
Oh, really? You don't find anything at all strange about his condition?
RESIDENT 2:
Well, his BP didn't come up immediately when we administered fluids.
SHAWN:
Uh-huh. And what does that tell us?
RESIDENT 2:
He probably took too much of his blood pressure medication by accident. Sometimes the elderly have to take a lot of pills at different dosages, or they take it, forget, and take it again.
RESIDENT 1:
But there's nothing criminal about that.
SHAWN:
No. No, there's not. Well done. Both of you. I don't know about you, but I'm drained. What do you say we take a fiver, grab a Coke, maybe play some Frogger.
SHAWN and GUS back away towards the door.
RESIDENT 2:
Doctor, we still have a lot of patients to see.
SHAWN:
Five minutes isn't gonna kill them, is it? Is it?
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, GROUNDS, DAY
GUS and SHAWN walk along a patio with shaded picnic tables. Some residents are playing croquet as other paint.
SHAWN:
We did it, Gus.
GUS:
Yup.
SHAWN:
We beat my dad. Proved our point. Now let's rub it in a little. Maybe make fun of his toes. Give Jervis the good news. Get the hell out of here!
They walk down the steps to the walk.
GUS:
I hear that. I'm starved.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, POOL, DAY
HENRY is swimming freestyle as he races other residents. Some of the female residents watch and cheer from the bleachers. HENRY touches the end first. Two men approach HENRY.
MAN 1:
Yeah!
HENRY:
Whoo!
MAN 1:
That's four in a row, Talmadge. (slaps HENRY’S hand) You're on fire!
MAN 2:
You just broke the Pines record.
SHAWN and GUS arrive.
SHAWN:
For what? Number of times jumping in without breaking a hip?
MAN 2:
Yeah, that's funny, kid. Hey, Talmy, who is this?
HENRY:
Oh, this is my s... uh, grandson Shawn and his… Gus. Hey, guys, meet Buddy Markowitz. He used to be a stand-up in the Catskills. And Rodrigo Lopez, one-time number five, clearly no longer, lightweight champion of the world.
BUDDY:
(points to man walking past them) Ah, and that's my Asian friend Hoo Flung Poo.
HENRY, BUDDY and RODRIGO laugh.
SHAWN:
I don't get it.
GUS:
That guy wasn't even Asian.
BUDDY:
Well, that's what makes it funny.
The guys laugh again.
SHAWN:
You mind if we steal G-pop here for a second?
RODRIGO:
Just as long as he's back in time for the cannonball competition!
HENRY:
(pulls himself out of the pool) Oh, yeah! (GUS hands him a towel) Oh, thank you.
We see HENRY is wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit. They leave the pool area.
SHAWN:
What are you wearing?
HENRY:
Well, you didn't pack me any trunks, Shawn. This is the only thing I could borrow.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, GROUNDS, DAY
SHAWN:
Yeah, well, while you've been here playing at Camp Cocoon, we've been busy solving the case.
GUS:
We found Oswald. He was in the hospital.
SHAWN:
Time to get you outta here.
HENRY:
No, no, no, no. We can't leave yet.
SHAWN:
Why not?
HENRY:
This case isn't over. Look, this place is a hot bed of suspicious activity.
MEREDITH arrives with lunch for HENRY.
MEREDITH:
Hey there! Here's your sandwich, Talmadge.
HENRY:
Well, thank you, Meredith. Thank you… (picks up sandwich) Where's that barbecue sauce?
MEREDITH:
You know Pamela really doesn't like complainers here. You know, you’re lucky. You should see the food give my mother over at that horrible Sunshine Meadows place. It is one step above cat food.
HENRY:
Gee, Mer, I'd feel a whole lot luckier if the sweetest woman in the world would score me just a little teensy, eensy, weensy bit of steak sauce. Come on.
MEREDITH:
(to SHAWN and GUS) Your grandfather is a flirt. (to HENRY) You are, ah! (giggles and walks away)
SHAWN:
That is disgusting. You like it here. You… You do. That’s… That's why you wanna keep investigating. Because you like the sandwiches and the adulation.
HENRY:
Shawn, I'm telling you. Something else is going on here.
SHAWN:
Dad, we found Oswald. There's nothing left to solve. Admit it. We beat you because we have the sweetness.
GUARD:
All right, clear a path, folks. Coming through. It's all right.
They look over to the patio where they see a guard clearing a path for EMTs with a man on a gurney.
HENRY:
You have the sweetness? What about that guy, Shawn?
SHAWN sees a bracelet on the sick man’s arm similar to the one Oswald had. A woman screams and they turn to the pool where a man who was sitting on the edge had fallen in. Another man dives in to save him.
HENRY:
What about that one?
SHAWN sees another bracelet on the man who fell in.
GUS:
They're dropping like flies.
PAMELA watches from inside.
HENRY:
You saw the bracelets, didn't you?
SHAWN:
Yes, I saw them.
HENRY:
All right, so we got three guys all living at the same place. They all get sick, and for some reason they're all wearing the same bracelets. What were you saying again, Shawn, about solving this case?
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
SHAWN is acting out a “vision”, pretending to be old; walking bent over and talking in a weak, older voice. The BOY is sitting in a chair, watching. VICK is sitting on the edge of a desk as is LASSITER. JULIET stands in front of them.
SHAWN:
Someone is trying to off old-timers at Glorious Pines.
GUS:
Three people have gotten suddenly sick there. It could be an Angel of Death type thing.
LASSITER:
You know, that is a brilliant theory. But what you've failed to take into account is that it's five degrees hotter today than the same day last year. (slaps away SHAWN’S hands)
SHAWN:
(gasps and straightens up) Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. It's true. I'm sorry, I thought we were offering up useless pieces of information.
JULIET:
What Lassiter here means is that it's not out of the ordinary for older people to fall ill during heat waves or cold snaps.
JERVIS:
Look, we found Oswald when you were convinced he was just wandering around in his bathrobe.
GUS:
This is our client, Jervis Kent.
JERVIS:
I mean, shouldn't you call forensics in? Look at wills, interview beneficiaries? I learned that at the police academy.
VICK:
You went to the academy?
JULIET:
I thought I recognized that name. Aren't you the guy who set his black and white on fire during the academy road test?
LASSITER:
(stands) Yeah, you shot someone's toe off at the police firing range.
JERVIS:
It didn't come all the way off.
LASSITER:
I saw him yesterday. He still has a limp.
SHAWN:
Spool! Threads! Thread! I'm seeing thread. Spinning, and, and, bobbing and weaving. Arting. Yet crafting. (spins his left hand around his right wrist) Bracelets. Homemade bracelets. All three of them had the same bracelet.
LASSITER:
Well, in that case, O'Hara, call CNN because we've got their new lead story.
VICK:
Do the doctors who've been treating any of these patients suspect foul play?
JULIET:
No, Chief.
VICK:
Well, double-check. Mr. Spencer, as always it's been an experience. You know where the exit is. (leaves)
SHAWN and GUS leave with JULIET.
SHAWN:
(whispers) Come on, you gotta finesse that kind…
LASSITER:
Do you see what happens when you act like a jackass all the time? No one takes you seriously. If you do not wanna end up like that buffoon, you better learn to walk the straight and narrow.
The BOY stands and watches as SHAWN talks with JULIET.
BOY:
I don't like that guy.
LASSITER:
There's hope for you yet, kid.
LASSITER slaps the BOY on the back and he flinches. LASSITER walks away.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
SHAWN, GUS and JERVIS walk the steps to the second floor.
JERVIS:
And what was all that bracelet talk?
SHAWN:
I sensed a common thread. Pun intended.
JERVIS:
You mean the friendship bracelets? Those came from Chelsea. She makes them herself in craft class. And she doesn't just give 'em to anybody.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, DANCE FLOOR, DAY
SHAWN and GUS peer around a piano and see HENRY dancing an intense tango with CHELSEA.
SHAWN:
Dude, she's totally dancing with my dad.
GUS:
Where did he learn the tango?
SHAWN:
Grab a partner. Meet me on the dance floor.
GUS and SHAWN split up.
HENRY:
So you knew my friend Oswald, right?
CHELSEA:
He courted me a little.
SHAWN:
(clears throat) Can I, uh, get cutsies?
HENRY:
Find your own partner, Shawn.
CHELSEA:
I don't mind, Talmadge. I haven't had this many men ask me to dance since Nixon went to China.
HENRY spins CHELSEA into SHAWN’S arms.
SHAWN:
Hello. My name is Shawn. I'm Talmadge's grandson. I'm trying to meet all of his new friends. Did he happen to mention that I'm a psychic?
CHELSEA:
Oh, psychic, really?
HENRY shadows them as he watches SHAWN dance.
SHAWN:
I sensed a dark cloud. And then, did you hear about what happened to Harley? The paramedics and all of that stuff?
CHELSEA:
Of course I heard. He's an ex-boyfriend of mine.
GUS is on the other side of the dance-floor with an older WOMAN standing with him as if dancing but they are standing still.
WOMAN:
You dance divinely, Burton.
GUS:
Thank you.
HENRY:
My turn, Shawn.
SHAWN twirls CHELSEA into HENRY’S arms.
HENRY:
So you're quite the queen bee around here? You have many boyfriends here at Glorious Pines?
CHELSEA:
I've had my share of romantic trysts. Men fall in love easily when I start taking care of them.
HENRY:
What do you mean?
WOMAN:
(to GUS) Now spin me. (they don’t move) Marvelous.
CHELSEA:
They call it the Florence Nightingale effect.
SHAWN intercepts the couple as they cross the floor and takes HENRY’S place.
SHAWN:
So you're a nurse. You must have done a lot of work here with different medications.
CHELSEA:
Well, not anymore. All I do now is lead the Heart Smart high blood pressure seminar once a month. That's where I met Harley and Oswald.
SHAWN meets HENRY’S eyes over CHELSEA. He then dips her. HENRY jerks his head before leaving.
SHAWN:
Save me a seat at bingo.
SHAWN pulls CHELSEA upright before hurrying after HENRY. GUS’ partner is asleep on her feet, snoring.
GUS:
Shawn! Shawn, come back here!
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
SHAWN, GUS and HENRY walk down the hall.
HENRY:
We learned that all the victims had high blood pressure, so they might have been on the same medications.
GUS:
I learned that old people are heavy.
SHAWN:
Look, my prized students believe that Ozzie got sick because he overdosed on his medication.
GUS:
Maybe they all did. Which means either three different people all accidentally took too many pills…
SHAWN:
Or someone else slipped it to them.
HENRY:
Wait, wait, wait a minute. I overheard a couple of the guards talking about a break-in at the on-site pharmacy here last week.
SHAWN:
Really? You wait until just now to tell us that?
HENRY:
The thief got away with Codeine and OxyContin, but I think they also got away with blood pressure medication.
SHAWN:
So that stuff was just a cover to make it look like drug-seeker. The BP Meds were the real target. All right, at least that gives us the how. Now we just gotta figure out the why. Which reminds me, Gus, will you please get us those tickets for The Who?
GUS:
Where?
SHAWN and GUS point at each other.
SHAWN:
Look, we need to get a list of all the people on blood pressure medication. They're all targets.
HENRY:
That's something Pamela would have.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
HENRY peers through the bannister rails and sees PAMELA in her office. He slowly creeps down the stairs and SHAWN and GUS follow.
HENRY:
We gotta get her outta there. The real Talmadge's stuff showed up this morning. He's gonna be here today.
SHAWN:
I bet she'll come out if a resident hurt themselves. (looks at HENRY) Take a spill down the stairs.
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN:
Just take a quick header down the stairs.
HENRY:
I'm not gonna deliberately hurt myself, break my neck to create a distraction.
SHAWN:
Fine, we’ll push you. It'll be an accident. Does that make it easier?
GUS:
Shawn!
SHAWN:
(to GUS) What? (to HENRY) You have to do something.
With a sigh of resignation, HENRY kicks his foot against the railings.
HENRY:
Oh, my toe! Ow! Hey, I hurt my toe here!
GUS:
You stubbed your toe?
SHAWN:
Dude, you have to do better than that.
HENRY:
I'm your father. You do not call me “dude”.
SHAWN:
Pull your weight! Come on.
HENRY puts his right hand on his right side and staggers down past the landing.
HENRY:
My liver! My liver! Oh, my liver! It could be failing. Aah!
SHAWN and GUS run down to him. HENRY is now holding his left side.
SHAWN:
You go from one to ten like that? How about a heart attack or a stroke?
SHAWN and GUS go down the stairs and hide out of the way so they can sneak into PAMELA’S office when she comes out.
HENRY:
My liver. My liver! Oh, God, it hurts.
HENRY continues to groan. PAMELA hurries from her office. SHAWN and GUS hide behind the center table with its vase of flowers. They spin it along with them to keep out of sight. HENRY sits on the steps.
PAMELA:
Your liver is fine. You're not even jaundiced. (looks to the table but no one is there) Abdominal pain can be caused by a lot of things. You're not even holding your liver. That's your spleen.
HENRY:
My spleen? It's my spleen! It's about to rupture!
PAMELA:
Now, now, now, now, Mr. McGulager, settle down.
GUS and SHAWN run to the office and GUS closes the door behind them.
HENRY:
Oh, it's so painful!
PAMELA:
Just a moment, you’re going to be…
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN goes to the computer on a side table and GUS heads for PAMELA’S desk and uses the computer there.
SHAWN:
We need to find a list of people's medications.
GUS:
Cool.
SHAWN looks through a file on the table.
SHAWN:
I think this is it! No, this is the waiting list. Dude, Oswald's getting kicked out tomorrow. It says FTC Next to his name. The other two victims as well. FTC! Ferocious tiger what? (walks over to GUS and slams the paper on the desk)
GUS:
FTC means full-time care. (looks at list) Looks like all the victims need additional nursing assistance now.
SHAWN:
What? They get kicked out for that?
GUS:
This place won't accept anybody that needs continuous medical care. It was all in the informational handbook.
SHAWN:
That's what's happening here. Someone on the waiting list got tired of waiting! Recognize any of those names? (smirks)
GUS:
(taps sheet) We just found our bad guy! (stands) Whoo!
SHAWN and GUS do their own happy dance.
GUS:
What? What? What? What?
There is a knocking at the door and they stop. The knob rattles.
PAMELA:
(muffled) Is someone in there?
SHAWN:
Take the window!
SHAWN and GUS duck out the open window and run away.
PAMELA:
(muffled) Who's in there? Lester! Lester, I need the key.
INT. SBPD, INTERVIEW ROOM, DAY
LASSITER leans against the table. The BOY is sitting in a chair facing a large black man in prison orange.
LASSITER:
This is Darryl Jablonsky. He's currently doing a nickel at the State Pen. Darryl, meet JJ.
DARRYL:
(low gravelly voice) Call me Hell on earth.
LASSITER:
We all thought JJ would benefit in meeting you, Hell. See, you two have a lot in common. JJ here is also a tough guy who’s not afraid of the law.
DARRYL:
So what you in for?
JJ:
Vandalism. Repeated.
DARRYL:
Vandalism. So why don't you take his rap sheet back to Chuck E. Cheese, man, because the only thing you're gonna get in here is curb full of Chicago smile and… (moves forward in his seat, pointing at JJ and pauses) I'm sorry. I just can't do this, man.
LASSITER:
Okay, I think he's got the message. Prison is hell. (claps hands) Let's go. (moves to leave)
JJ:
(raises hand to stop LASSITER) Can't do what?
DARRYL:
I can't lie, JJ. It’s part of my rehabilitation according to Dr. Shenkman. I'm not supposed to be lying, or anything, you know?
With a sigh, LASSITER leans back against the table and crosses his arms.
JJ:
So, tell me for real, what's it like in prison?
DARRYL:
For real? (chuckles) It ain't bad. I hang out with my best friend, White Slavery, most of the day. We go work out, chill in the library, or we got The Corrections on CD. It's read by Robert Forster. It's pretty good. It's tight, man. I enjoyed it. Then we go back again, we work out, we eat, we sleep, we chit-chat. Play ball, you know what I mean? We do what we do, man. It's, like, good living out here, man.
LASSITER:
Okay, but the guards are merciless.
DARRYL:
Nah, man, they're pretty cool, man. Actually, we're having a birthday party for one of them later on today. (looks over to guard by the door) Hey, is Tyrone baking the cake, man? All right. See? I even have a job in prison, man. Telemarketer, man. Best seller of this month. Believe that. Bang! It's all right in here, man. Don't worry about a thing. You're gonna have a blast, man.
LASSITER:
Okay, this is absolutely pointless. Let's go. Come on! (grabs JJ by the arm and yanks him towards the door) Thanks for nothing, Darryl. (stops at the door) By the way, you can kiss that recommendation at your next parole board hearing sayonara.
DARRYL:
That's cool. I hear we're getting a Frappuccino machine next month.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
Some residents are sitting at the tables around the outside having lunch while others sit on chairs and couches. BUDDY is doing a stand-up routine in the middle of the room.
BUDDY:
So, what goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6? Bo Derek getting old! (no one laughs so he taps another man’s hearing aid) Hey! Is this thing on?
SHAWN, GUS, HENRY and JERVIS enter the room from the side.
SHAWN:
There is a malicious force at work in Glorious Pines! The recent rash of illnesses here, not an accident!
PAMELA observes from the second floor.
BUDDY:
(looks around) What the hell's going on here?
CHELSEA:
He's a psychic. Maybe he's having an episode.
SHAWN:
Yes, and I can feel that the culprit is right here in this room, and it's you! (points)
MEREDITH stops behind BUDDY.
BUDDY:
(points to himself) Me? Well, I can't lie. I've killed onstage.
MEREDITH walks over and sets a plate on the table in front of CHELSEA.
SHAWN:
No, no, no, not you. Her!
CHELSEA:
Who me?
SHAWN:
No, not… Not you. Her. Her! Meredith Cloverfield!
Everyone murmurs.
MEREDITH:
What? You…
SHAWN:
A name is coming to my brain. Help me. Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, Rhonda! Rhonda Cloverfield. Your dear old mother at Sunshine Meadows. Seventh on the waiting list to get into The Pines, but you couldn't stand watching her rot away at that hell hole. 'Cause there's no sunshine, and there's no meadows! You love her, so you tried to bump her up that wait list.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, PHARMACY, DAY
MEREDITH breaks the glass of the cabinets and grabs bottles.
SHAWN: (v.o.)
The first thing you did, break into the pharmacy, snatch yourself some blood pressure medication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
And then you targeted the people that were already taking those pills, whose food you served. Chelsea's bracelets practically marked 'em for you. First up, Oswald Chester.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, OSWALD’S ROOM, DAY
MEREDITH is in the kitchenette preparing a meal while Oswald is watching TV. She crushes pills and sprinkles it into the food. Oswald eats without realizing.
SHAWN: (v.o.)
You knew he carbed up before a run. It was the perfect opportunity to make him overdose.
EXT. PARK, DAY
Oswald jogs up the steps, stops and grips his chest before falling and hitting his head on the rock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
MEREDITH:
This is outrageous. I couldn't hurt a fly.
SHAWN:
But you could. But she did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
MEREDITH serves dinner to two men sitting at a table.
MEREDITH:
There you go.
SHAWN: (v.o.)
Almost killed two other members of this community.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
One of the men is alone in the hall as he clutches his chest and falls to the floor.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, POOL, DAY
The other man falls unconscious into the pool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
A couple more people, and you and your mother would have been reunited, and it would have felt so good.
HENRY notices one of the guards walk in with an older man.
HENRY:
(leans over to GUS and whispers) Talmadge McGulager. Our cover's blown.
GUS:
(walks over to SHAWN) Wrap it up, Shawn. Quick!
SHAWN looks over and sees the real Talmadge with the monogram on his shirt pocket. He looks back at MEREDITH and sees powder along her cuticles.
SHAWN:
Check her pockets for pills! I think she's got some on her right now!
SHAWN, GUS and HENRY back away as JERVIS goes to MEREDITH and checks the pockets of her sweater.
MEREDITH:
No! Ow! Ow! How dare you?
JERVIS pulls a baggie from one of her pockets.
JERVIS:
Do you have a prescription for these?
GUS:
Everyone here in the room with high blood pressure, your food may be poisoned!
SHAWN:
That's right! Spit it out!
Many of the residents spit their food into napkins.
SHAWN:
Get some baggies, 'cause this stuff is evidence. Jervis, baby, slap the cuffs on her!
SHAWN climbs on the sofa at the wall of the stairs and pulls himself over the rain onto the landing.
JERVIS:
All I've got is a rubber band and some twisty ties.
GUS:
It's fine, it's great! Just call the police!
GUS and HENRY hurry around either side of the stairs. SHAWN turns around and faces everyone.
SHAWN:
Gotta go! Peace!
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
SHAWN hurries down the steps and fist bumps GUS as he joins him. HENRY holds out his fist but SHAWN just waves him off. As they run for the door, we see a photo of the residents on the wall, HENRY is front and center.
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are waiting as VICK walks over.
VICK:
Mr. Spencer, good work on that retirement community case. Here's your check to show our gratitude.
SHAWN:
Thank you.
VICK:
Uh-huh. And in case you were wondering, Miss Cloverfield made a full confession.
VICK walks into the hall followed by GUS and SHAWN
INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY
LASSITER comes up behind them, pulling JJ by the arm. JULIET follows.
LASSITER:
I'm sorry, Chief. This demon spawn is beyond my help. (pushes JJ into a chair) I've tried threatening him. I've tried scaring him. I even tried bribery.
JULIET:
I told you kids want X-boxes, not hot chocolate.
LASSITER:
Does anyone know how to get Swiss Miss out of silk? (fingers his tie)
GUS:
Lemon wedges.
LASSITER:
All this kid cares about is what O'Hara's wearing and where she works out. (walks away)
SHAWN:
I'm a little curious myself.
JULIET glares at SHAWN before turning to VICK.
JULIET:
Chief.
VICK:
Yeah.
JULIET:
Since he has some sort of strange attachment to me, maybe I should try talking to him alone.
VICK:
Use my office.
JULIET:
Hey, you. Let's go.
JJ follows JULIET with a smile into VICK’S office. JULIET closes the door behind her. SHAWN and GUS walk closer to peer through the blinds. JULIET leans on VICK’S desk and smiles sweetly at JJ. She then leans forward, pointing a finger into his face, and talks vehemently, waving her hand to encompass everyone outside the office. JJ nods vigorously. She puts both hands on the arms of the chair and whispers in his ear.
SHAWN:
What is going on in there?
JULIET continues her “talk” with JJ who continues to nod, almost in fear. He stands and walks for the door. SHAWN and GUS pretend to be doing something else. VICK stands there with her arms crossed, a smile on her face. JJ steps out of the office, less cocky than when he went in. JULIET watches smugly as JJ walks over to LASSITER who is cleaning his tie.
JJ:
I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused earlier, and I promise it won't happen again.
LASSITER:
Well, I'm glad I finally got through to you.
JJ turns around and looks back at JULIET. She points at LASSITER. JJ turns back around.
JJ:
And I thank you for your time, and for keeping the streets of Santa Barbara safe.
JJ looks over to JULIET for approval. She snaps her fingers and points again. JJ sits in the chair by the coffee, hands on his lap. LASSITER looks at JJ and then back to JULIET. He walks over to stand in the middle of the hall. SHAWN, GUS and VICK stand next to him as they watch JULIET walk away from them. VICK smiles as she walks back to her office. SHAWN goes back into the bullpen and SHAWN turns down another hallway. LASSITER is left standing alone in the middle of the hall wiping his tie.
SHAWN and his GRANDFATHER are sitting on a park bench in front of the house facing the beach. SHAWN opens a bag of breadcrumbs to feed the birds.
GRANDFATHER:
Put that down. We're not here to feed the birds. That's just a cover to throw your dad off.
SHAWN:
Well, if we're not here to feed the birds, what are we here to do, Grandpa?
GRANDFATHER:
We're here to girl watch, everything they do is magical, mysterious. Your grandmother was a lifetime of surprises. Now, what can you tell me about her?
GRANDFATHER points to a woman on the beach. SHAWN sees a strap mark on her left ankle.
SHAWN:
She's a surfer. She's goofy-footed.
GRANDFATHER:
Goofy?
SHAWN:
Left-handed, but with her feet.
GRANDFATHER:
No, stop. Stop that right now. I don't want you to profile her, or tell me who she actually is. I want you to tell me who you think she is. What she likes, what she dreams about. Use your imagination.
SHAWN:
Well, then her name is Larsa Von Lykenhoffer.
GRANDFATHER:
(laughs) German broad! Yes! What else? What else?
SHAWN:
And she's a giraffe wrangler and a test pilot. And it's possible she's a Manimal.
GRANDFATHER laughs and neither notices HENRY as he walks up to them.
HENRY:
(leans on bench back) Shawn, I thought I told you to finish the dishes before you feed the birds. Dad, Shawn's got chores that come before goofin' off at the beach.
GRANDFATHER:
Let me relax with my grandson.
HENRY:
What are you two doing exactly?
GRANDFATHER:
Just beach gazing! You wouldn't understand!
HENRY:
I understand. You wanna beach gaze? Scoot over. (taps SHAWN as he moves over and sits on the bench) You wanna beach gaze. We'll all beach gaze. (crosses arms) Close your eyes, Shawn. How many towels with red stripes?
SHAWN closes his eyes.
GRANDFATHER:
Here we go with the towel thing again.
SHAWN:
(remembers the towels) Four.
GRANDFATHER:
Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything?
HENRY:
Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me. All right? He's got responsibilities. (to SHAWN) And you, you, better be two steps behind me, 'cause you got a date with some suds and a sponge. (ruffles SHAWN’S hair and leaves)
SHAWN starts to get up to follow HENRY when his GRANDFATHER stops him.
GRANDFATHER:
Do me a favor, Shawn. Sometimes you gotta let what your dad says float through the ears. Make your own choices. Don't take life too seriously. Travel the world. Meet interesting people. Have some adventures. Because some day you're gonna wake up and realize you're too old to do anything really fun.
SHAWN:
Yes, Grandpa.
PRESENT DAY
EXT. WOODS, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS scurry through the wooded area along a tall cement wall to where it meets a chain-link fence.
GUS:
This isn't gonna work, Shawn.
SHAWN:
It's gonna work.
GUS:
We've failed to get in here six times. We haven't gotten to one witness. We haven't seen where the missing man disappeared from. This place is a fortress.
SHAWN:
I think you might be right. Maybe we should crawl.
GUS:
I'm not crawling on this wet grass.
They stop at a gate with high voltage signs posted.
SHAWN:
Dude, I read an article that says 90% of high-voltage signs are bogus. They just hang them up there to scare people off.
GUS:
Good theory. You test it.
SHAWN:
I can't touch that. I conduct way more electricity than you. You know that. Touch it. Just use your fingertip.
GUS:
I'm not touching an electrified fence, Shawn.
A large GUARD puts a hand on each of their shoulders and pins them around to face him.
GUARD:
How about I touch it?
SHAWN:
I don't think I like the way that sounds.
The GUARD shoves them away.
INT. HENRY’S, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
HENRY is sitting on the couch reading a magazine while drinking a beer as SHAWN and GUS try to sneak past him with items for a stakeout; binoculars, a cooler, boots, flashlight and a grappling hook.
HENRY:
What the hell are you two doing with my stuff?
SHAWN:
We need tools.
HENRY:
For what?
SHAWN:
(sighs and sets down cooler) If you must ask, it's for a stakeout, okay. We've got a tough case, and our binoculars only go up to 2x.
HENRY:
Well, what are you doing with my cooler?
GUS:
We have to keep the gelato cold in the car.
HENRY:
You two girls are useless. Shawn, didn't you learn anything I ever taught you about surveillance?
SHAWN:
We happen to be awesome at covert ops.
GUS:
We just ran into a bit of a gauntlet, and took a missing person case based in an extremely difficult place to crack.
HENRY:
Uh-huh. And what impenetrable stronghold did this missing person disappear from?
SHAWN:
(mumbles) Glorious Pines.
HENRY:
Say again?
SHAWN:
Glorious Pines.
HENRY:
The old age home?
SHAWN:
It's a retirement community.
GUS:
It's top-of-the-line in independent senior living, with a full-time security team.
HENRY:
My son, the super sleuth, can't even get himself access into an old folk’s home.
SHAWN:
No, no, no, no, Dad. You have no idea what we're up against. Okay? I tried everything. I tried the whole I'm-a-traveling-doula bit, (Australian accent) the-dingo-ate-my-baby routine, (normal voice) hiding-Gus-in-a-sack trick, which never fails. Trust me. You wouldn't have gotten any closer than we did.
HENRY:
Give me a break. I'll be in that joint, crack the case in eight minutes.
SHAWN and GUS look at each other and smile.
SHAWN:
(laughs) Okay, yeah, tomorrow. It's on. Show us how it's done.
HENRY:
No, wait, just hold on a second. I didn't mean to...
SHAWN:
Exactly.
SHAWN and GUS lean over to pick up the cooler.
HENRY:
(leans forward) 6:00 a.m. sharp.
SHAWN:
That's too early.
GUS:
How about 9:00?
HENRY:
9:00's a little late.
SHAWN:
Come on, guys. Let's be reasonable. Just split the difference. Okay? Call it 11:15.
HENRY:
6:00 it is. I'll drive.
INT. TRUCK, DAY
SHAWN and HENRY are sitting in HENRY’S parked truck. GUS is asleep, his head resting on HENRY’S shoulder. HENRY looks through binoculars towards the entrance of Glorious Pines just down the road.
SHAWN:
You sure you wanna park this close, Dad? We're almost a quarter of a mile away.
HENRY:
Shawn, we're exactly where we should be to get a read on the situation.
SHAWN:
I can literally see the curvature of the earth from here.
HENRY:
You know, Shawn, why don't you honk the horn and let them know that we're here while you're at it? Who is this missing guy?
SHAWN:
Oswald Chester, resident, 73 years old. (pulls photo from shirt pocket and gives it to HENRY) He's been missing for three days. And what we've gathered from our client is the community is trying to cover it up.
HENRY:
Your client went to the police already?
SHAWN:
I don't know, Dad. We didn't get that far.
HENRY:
What? You didn't ask the question? What are you doing, Shawn? Didn't you learn anything that I tried to…
SHAWN:
All right, that's enough of this nonsense. (gets out of the truck)
HENRY:
No, not enough. We've just started. (gets out of the truck)
GUS is startled awake when HENRY slams the door.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN strides down the street and HENRY hurries to catch up.
HENRY:
Slow down, would you? What are you gonna do, march right in there?
GUS catches up to them.
GUS:
That looks to be the plan.
HENRY:
No wonder you guys are failing so badly. Rule number one, never make yourself known to your target. Rule number two...
SHAWN:
Dad, you got your glasses?
HENRY:
Yeah, of course I got my glasses.
SHAWN:
Good. Go ahead and put 'em on.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, ENTRANCE, DAY
They walk towards the main entrance of Glorious Pines.
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN:
Here, give me that. (takes HENRY’S coffee)
HENRY:
Oh, a disguise. Look at you go. Right out of the private eye handbook, huh?
SHAWN reaches into the shopping cart of a man passing by and pulls out a worn bucket hat.
SHAWN:
Here, put this on too. (gives hat to HENRY)
HENRY:
This thing's like 100 years old. (puts on hat)
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter through the sliding doors followed by HENRY.
HENRY:
But Shawn, I look like Henry Fonda.
SHAWN:
Allow me to apologize in advance for this. (throws coffee onto HENRY)
HENRY:
Ah... hot! What the hell, Shawn? What the hell?
GUS spots a cane leaning against a sofa and tosses it to SHAWN. SHAWN gives it to HENRY.
SHAWN:
Hold this for a sec?
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN and GUS walk over to the reception area where a sever woman stands behind the counter.
WOMAN:
May I help you?
SHAWN:
Yes, Pamela, is it? (peers at nametag)
PAMELA:
That's what it says right in front of you. May I help you?
SHAWN:
We are here to check somebody in.
PAMELA:
Really? And who might that be?
SHAWN:
My grandfather.
SHAWN, GUS and PAMELA look over at HENRY who then makes a face.
**********************************************************************
PSYCH
“The Old and the Restless”
By
Anupam Nigam
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Jason Ensler
**********************************************************************
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
HENRY:
I'm not doing this. Shawn… No, Shawn. Shawn…
SHAWN:
Grampy. Grampy! Calm blue ocean.
HENRY:
I’m not doing it! I’m not doing…
SHAWN:
Calm blue ocean. Go to your quiet place.
PAMELA:
I'm sorry, but we don't accept walk-in admissions. There's an application and a very long waiting list.
HENRY:
Uh, fine. We're leaving.
HENRY starts to walk away but SHAWN hooks his arm and pulls him back.
SHAWN:
No, no, no. Absolutely. He just got in off the waiting list.
HENRY:
God, I'm not on any damn waiting list.
GUS:
Please forgive our Grampy here. He gets irate and a little forgetful.
SHAWN, HENRY and PAMELA look at GUS.
PAMELA:
You two are brothers?
SHAWN:
Our father worked at Benetton.
PAMELA:
And what's your grandfather's name?
SHAWN:
Talmadge McGulager.
PAMELA:
Just a moment. (walks away)
HENRY:
Talmadge McGulager? Brilliant. (walks away from counter) All right, look, what the hell are you guys doing here?
GUS:
This is the part where you get blindsided with Plan B. It's kinda fun when it's not happening to me.
SHAWN:
Look, I'm getting us in. Relax, Dad. I mean, Grandpappy.
HENRY:
This is never gonna work.
PAMELA comes out into the lobby.
PAMELA:
Mr. McGulager? Looks like we're all set.
HENRY:
(stunned) What?
PAMELA:
You're who I've been waiting for. My apologies. I'm Pamela, the chief administrator. (walks over and shakes his hand) My goodness, you don't look remotely old enough to live here.
HENRY looks smugly at SHAWN.
SHAWN:
Grandpapa is 72. It's true. The thing is he used to be a male model. That's why he looks so young. You can see he had a lot of plastic surgery done.
PAMELA:
(peers at his face) 72? My, my, they have done marvelous work. I would have guessed 59, 60 tops.
SHAWN smiles at HENRY’S discomfort.
HENRY:
All right, you listen here, lady, I'm not a day over...
SHAWN:
Opa! You be sweet to Pamela. She's here to help us. She is a helper. Sorry, Pamela. He's gone a little... How can I put this eloquently? (spins a finger beside his head and mouths “Loco”)
PAMELA:
I understand. A lot of our residents are hesitant at first. Excuse me while I get some forms. (leaves)
SHAWN looks around and heads up the stairs. GUS goes with him and HENRY reluctantly follows.
HENRY:
All right, how did you know about this Talmadge?
SHAWN:
Dad, use the cane. It really helps sell it.
They stop on the landing and look down into the common room where some couples are dancing while others watch.
HENRY:
Wait, wait, wait. You had this planned all along?
SHAWN:
I snatched this off one of the guards that tossed us. (holds up small notepad) According to the schedule, Talmadge McGulager was supposed to check in last night. So I called Mr. McGulager and informed him that the community is infested with African Gambian Pouch Rats.
GUS:
The largest rats in the world. Nice.
SHAWN:
He'll be back in three days. It's the amount of time it takes to fly in and deploy the pouch rat's natural predator.
GUS:
The Sudanese birch pelican.
HENRY:
You don't actually expect me to spend three days here.
SHAWN:
No, no, no. We're gonna solve it in two. The third day is really more about reflection. Besides, with you in here, we'll be able to get visitor's passes, come and go as we please.
HENRY:
All right, all right, I'll tell you what, Shawn. Normally I'd storm outta here. I'd leave you in the lurch. But this time, kid, just this time, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'll be your Talmadge MaGooder.
SHAWN:
McGregor.
GUS:
McGulager.
SHAWN:
Exactly.
HENRY:
I'll be all those guys. And I'll have this case solved by lunch.
SHAWN:
(laughs) Considering they eat lunch here at 10:15, I'm gonna say we'll have it done by 9:45.
HENRY:
You're on.
SHAWN:
You're on.
PAMELA returns with a stack of papers in her hands.
PAMELA:
Mr. McGulager, why don't I show you around the facilities and your grandboys fill out your admissions paperwork?
HENRY, SHAWN and GUS head back down the stairs to PAMELA.
HENRY:
That's a brilliant idea, boys. Why don't you get right on that?
SHAWN:
Can we fill that out later? We'd really like to take a look around as well.
GUS:
Yeah, and I have a bit of carpal tunnel going on. (rubs wrist)
SHAWN:
We'll just tag along if that's okay.
PAMELA:
You don't take one step past this point until all of these forms are complete. (hands forms to SHAWN) There are two signatures which must be in blue. (SHAWN hands forms to GUS) I'll let you figure out which ones those are. Lester here will check your work when you're done.
PAMELA walks away and LESTER, a large guard, comes over and stands in front of them.
INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
VICK has called JULIET and LASSITER into her office.
JULIET:
You wanted to see us, Chief?
VICK:
What's your caseload like?
JULIET:
Light.
LASSITER:
…ish.
VICK:
Good answer. Because I have a special assignment that comes directly from the Mayor.
LASSITER:
The Mayor? Really?
VICK:
Yes! There's your assignment.
VICK points to the bullpen and JULIET and LASSITER turn around. Sitting by one of the desks is a teenage boy. He sticks out a leg and trips an officer as he walks past.
JULIET:
Is he a witness or something?
VICK:
No, he's just a delinquent. He's been pulling off some penny ante vandal stuff. Taking down street signs, crazy gluing parking meter slots, removing hood ornaments. Nothing serious yet, but...
LASSITER:
Ah, but that's how it starts. One minute they're destroying public property and the next thing you know they're shooting cops.
VICK:
So what I need you to do is...
LASSITER:
No, I know exactly where you were going with this thing, chief. It's like our brains are just connected on this thing. I'm just trying to figure out how we try this kid as an adult.
VICK:
I need you to dial it back about 50 notches, or I will ask you to put your gun on my desk. What you are going to do is straighten him out. Spend a little time with him. Take him on a ride-along. Nurture him. Show him what a life of crime leads to.
JULIET:
And he gets this special treatment because?
VICK:
His mother's the Deputy Mayor, and she doesn't want the kid in the system. So just fix him.
LASSITER and JULIET share a look as VICK sits.
LASSITER:
Yes, ma'am.
JULIET and LASSITER leave the office.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
GUS rubs his wrist as they walk down the hall.
GUS:
I think all that writing gave me a ganglion cyst.
SHAWN:
You can't get a cyst from filling out paperwork.
GUS:
If the pen is wrong, you can. There's definitely some carpal bossing in there. We should see if they have some extra thumb splints lying around.
SHAWN:
You know what we should do? We should enroll you in some man classes.
HENRY approaches from down the hall.
HENRY:
Well, well, well. Look who's here. While you two guys were off dottin' your I's and crossing your T's, I was busy cracking your case.
A short GUARD comes up to them from behind HENRY.
GUARD:
It worked. You're finally in. (ushers them down the hall)
HENRY:
Who the hell is he?
SHAWN:
He's our client.
HENRY:
What, you had a guy on the inside, and you needed me to get you in here? Come on!
GUARD:
I didn't get all the clearances I was hoping for, okay?
GUS:
Jervis works here part-time. He doesn't exactly get the respect he deserves.
The same GUARD who kicked SHAWN and GUS out the night before, walks down the hall and knocks into JERVIS.
JERVIS:
Whoa! (regains footing)
GUARD:
(recognizes SHAWN and GUS) Hey! How the hell did you two get in here? You're coming with me.
GUS:
I don't think so.
SHAWN and GUS hold up their passes.
SHAWN:
Bam! Say it with me. Visitor's badge!
GUS:
Aha-ha, Aha-ha. Do something. I dare you!
GUARD:
I'll be watching you.
SHAWN:
We'll be gettin' watched.
With a glare at JERVIS, the GUARD walks away.
JERVIS:
Jeez, we gotta hurry. I'm not supposed to be off lawn duty. I'll show you where you're sleeping.
HENRY:
I'm not sleepin' anywhere.
HENRY follows as JERVIS takes SHAWN and GUS down the hall.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, CHESTER’S ROOM, DAY
JERVIS opens the door and leads the way into the room,
JERVIS:
I at least got them to give Talmadge the other empty bed in Oswald's room.
HENRY:
Yeah, you practically own the joint. (closes the door behind him)
SHAWN:
Jervis, give him the scoop, so he'll shut up for a minute.
JERVIS:
Oswald disappeared from this room three mornings ago without a trace.
HENRY:
Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna ask the first question that my son should have asked. Have you tried the police?
JERVIS:
The police? The police couldn't catch bird flu at a Hong Kong duck farm. They blew me off just like the staff here did.
HENRY:
Anything else you wanna tell us, Mr. Kent?
JERVIS:
No, not that I can think of.
HENRY:
Are you sure?
SHAWN:
Dad, what are you getting at? Just spit it out.
HENRY:
Shawn, Oswald Chester disappeared from these grounds 12 times before, and in the last three instances they threatened to throw his ass outta here if he ever did it again. Don't you check these nutcases out before you take 'em on?
GUS:
Is that true, Jervis?
JERVIS:
Uh, yes.
HENRY:
Did you also happen to mention to my son that during these jaunts, the community here filled out a missing persons report only to have good old Ozzie pop up the next day?
JERVIS:
Guys, I know what this sounds like. But Ozzie did not run off on his own. Not this time.
GUS:
And you know this how?
JERVIS:
He was my best friend. I could always tell when he was getting antsy, when he wanted to run. But this time there were no warning signs. He just vanished into thin air.
HENRY:
(scratches head) Jervis, life lesson number 20. People lie, and they leave without warning. Life sucks.
SHAWN looks at the bedside table and sees a wallet as well as a braided rope bracelet.
SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. I'm getting something. It's strong, leathery, could be alligator. He left without his wallet. He doesn't have his wallet.
JERVIS:
That's amazing.
SHAWN:
Can't get very far without cash, can you, Pop?
JERVIS:
Yeah, and all his cash and credit cards are still in his wallet.
GUS:
You went through his wallet?
JERVIS:
Of course I did. I'm investigating this thing too, you know. I have a theory based on formaldehyde and mind control.
HENRY:
Jervis, do you mind if I confer with my two grandsons here for a moment while we work through all this?
JERVIS walks to the door and stops as HENRY opens it.
JERVIS:
But you haven't heard my identical twins theory… (steps outside)
HENRY:
First thing tomorrow morning. (closes the door) All right, Shawn. Come on, let's go. There is no case here. This guy is just AWOL.
SHAWN and GUS begin to look around the room and SHAWN picks up the bracelet for closer inspection.
GUS:
Hey, look at this. Oswald was on Prazosin for high blood pressure.
SHAWN:
(walks over) Why would he possibly leave without his Parlection?
HENRY:
You can fill that prescription anywhere, Shawn.
SHAWN clicks his tongue. He looks around the room and sees a photo of a younger Oswald in track gear, a tattoo on his inner right forearm. He also looks at the calendar hanging on the wall and notices increasing numbers written in on certain days: 5, 6, 20, 26.2.
SHAWN:
He went running.
HENRY:
What?
They all walk over and look at the calendar.
SHAWN:
He was training for a marathon. (claps hands) Those numbers are the distances he was trying to reach, and the date that's circled is the Santa Barbara Marathon.
HENRY:
And how do you know that?
SHAWN:
Easy. It's the same as Val Kilmer's birthday. We gotta figure out where he went jogging.
HENRY:
All right, Shawn, I'm gonna humor ya. Let's get outta here. (leaves)
SHAWN:
Humor me? That was spot on. It's like almond butter with honey.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS join up with HENRY and walk down the hall.
HENRY:
You only know that because you have an unhealthy fascination with the guy from Real Genius.
SHAWN:
Okay, that's it. You're not coming with us. I am going down to that Nazi lady at the front desk, and I am having your in-out privileges revoked.
PAMELA approaches them with a woman pushing a room service cart.
PAMELA:
Oh, Mr. McGulager. This is Meredith Cloverfield.
MEREDITH:
Hi, I'm in charge of room service here.
PAMELA:
She's gonna check on your special dietary needs. (continues past them)
MEREDITH:
Now, do you have any digestive issues?
HENRY:
No, no, not...
SHAWN:
Don't let him lie to you, Miss Cloverfield. He has a very weak heart. All he can have is egg whites and powdered dirt. (walks past MEREDITH)
GUS:
(pats HENRY on the back) And he shouldn't have any solid foods after noon.
GUS joins SHAWN and they walk backwards shooting “air baskets” as they go.
MEREDITH:
Is that true?
HENRY:
No, no. My son is a liar.
MEREDITH:
Your son?
HENRY:
No, no. I, uh, my grandson, too, both liars. Big filthy liars.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, ENTRANCE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS take off their passes as they walk out the door and slip them into their pants pockets.
GUS:
So how are we gonna blindly trace a man's jogging path?
SHAWN:
We're gonna use my Indian blood.
GUS:
You can't get Indian blood by working in a casino.
SHAWN:
(scoffs) Maybe you can't.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk out to the street and intersection.
SHAWN:
Dude, this place goes nowhere. If I was gonna run, I'd go that way. (goes right)
>>> LATER >>>
They come to a halt where there is a barrier across the road and can see hikers and joggers.
GUS:
Now where do we go?
SHAWN sees a sign for the hiking and jogging trail.
SHAWN:
I sense he'd go this way. (walks towards trail entrance)
GUS:
Wow, that's amazing, Shawn. (follows SHAWN)
EXT. PARK, DAY
SHAWN and GUS cross a bridge.
GUS:
Man, this guy was in good shape.
SHAWN:
Would you stop it? He was, like, 100. Maybe if you weren't wearing plowman's boots.
GUS:
I'm not wearing plowman's boots, Shawn!
They come to a fork in the trail. The right side is uphill and shaded. The left is lower and sunnier.
SHAWN:
All right, looks like we got two options.
GUS:
I say we go this way. (starts for the left fork)
SHAWN:
No, hold up. Let's think this through for a minute.
SHAWN turns around and looks at the sun, had held up to shade his eyes. He turns back, kneels on the ground and pinches some dirt between his fingers, sniffing it. He then licks it.
GUS:
What are you doing?
SHAWN:
(stands) I'd go uphill first, save the downhill part for the home stretch. Plus this side gets better shade in the afternoon. I'm also sensing some water buffalo nearby.
GUS:
What is that, your Indian blood? (walks to the right trail)
SHAWN:
(walks up the path with GUS) They were here first, Gus. Don't ever forget that. Always hatin' on the Indians.
GUS:
It's not the Indians, Shawn. I'm hatin' on you. (shoves SHAWN)
GUS and SHAWN come to an uphill climb with wide terraced dirt steps edged with wood. On a large stone alongside the path, SHAWN notices blood.
SHAWN:
Dude, that rock is sprayed with arterial red. (jogs up the steps)
GUS:
(follows SHAWN) Maybe it's road kill. Taste it.
SHAWN:
(stops and faces GUS) What is that about?
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
My whole life you've been trying to get me taste blood. Every time I cut myself or scrape myself, it was, (as GUS) "Shawn, taste it, lick it. It'll make you feel better."
GUS:
It does. Lick it.
SHAWN:
It's not my blood. It's on a rock. (picks up something from the ground by the rock) Dude, a pedometer. It's exactly what a marathon runner would be carrying around with him. How far would you say we are from the community? (looks at readout)
GUS:
I would say about six miles.
SHAWN holds out the pedometer for GUS to read: 6.03 miles.
GUS:
I guess we found the place where he fell.
SHAWN:
Yeah, we did. Now we got a bigger problem. If he's not at the community, and he's not here, where the hell is his body?
They look around them at the wooded area.
INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter through the double doors.
GUS:
This is the closest hospital to the drop zone. If someone came across Oswald's body, this is where he would be.
They walk up to the nurses’ station.
SHAWN:
Hi there. We're looking for my father, Oswald Chester.
The WOMAN checks the computer.
WOMAN:
I'm sorry, we don't have anyone here by that name.
SHAWN:
Hmm. You know what? He left his I.D. at home. Can you check for a John Doe, please? Actually, can you check all the Does? Tae-kwon, cookie, Play, do-si…
WOMAN:
I'm sorry. Visiting hours just ended.
SHAWN taps the countertop before he and GUS walk away.
SHAWN:
Looks like we're gonna have to go...
GUS:
Shawn?
SHAWN:
Incognito.
SHAWN steps into a supply room as GUS walks into a locker room right next door. A few moments later they each exit. SHAWN is wearing a doctor’s lab coat over blue scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck. GUS is wearing a pink-striped smock over his clothes, a small paper cap on his head.
SHAWN:
Candy striper? Really? I didn't even know they made those uniforms for men.
GUS:
They just started. There was a lawsuit.
SHAWN:
I'm just saying, aim higher.
SHAWN walks away. GUS angrily takes off the cap and puts in back in the locker room before following SHAWN.
EXT. STREET, DAY
LASSITER drives along the road.
INT. CAR, DAY
JULIET is in the passenger seat and the BOY is in the back behind the grate.
LASSITER:
I hope you understand what a huge break you're getting here.
BOY:
This back seat smells like foot. I mean, seriously, did something die back here?
LASSITER:
That's the smell of your future unless you straighten up and fly right.
BOY:
(puts fingers through the grate and looks at JULIET) What's your story, baby?
JULIET:
Excuse me?
LASSITER:
It's Detective O'Hara, punk. And that's strike one.
BOY:
Is he always like this?
JULIET:
Call me baby again, you're gonna get on my bad side too.
BOY:
Whoa, what bad side? All good from where I'm sitting.
LASSITER:
Hey, unless you wanna pee in front of seven other guys for the rest of your life, you will respect the badge.
JULIET:
Why don't you tell me why you're acting out?
LASSITER:
I'm not acting out! He started it!
JULIET:
I was talking to the kid.
BOY:
Did anyone tell you that your hair smells like strawberries?
LASSITER:
Peaches.
JULIET and the BOY look at him.
LASSITER:
(recovers) I have to buy peaches on the way home. I just remembered.
JULIET smiles.
BOY:
So, uh, Juliet...
LASSITER:
It's Detective O'Hara! Strike two.
BOY:
You gotta lighten up, man. You get to hang out with this amazingly hot woman all day long.
LASSITER:
Detective O'Hara's an officer of the law. She is a competent investigator, efficient with her paperwork, and maintains her work space in a clean and orderly fashion. But she is above all things, not hot! (realizes what he’s said and looks straight ahead)
INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk around a ward and look through the windows at the patients inside.
NURSE:
(over loudspeaker) Wheelchair to admitting. Wheelchair to admitting.
SHAWN sees a tattoo on the forearm of one of the male patients and remembers seeing it on an older photo of Oswald Chester.
GUS:
That's Oswald!
SHAWN:
Let's find out what happened. Medical students?
GUS:
Residents.
SHAWN:
It's all the same to me.
INT. HOSPITAL, WARD, DAY
SHAWN and GUS stride into the ward. The four residents look at them.
SHAWN:
Hello. I am Dr. Howser. I am filling in today. This is my personal candy striper Knick Knack.
GUS:
(raises a hand) Hello.
SHAWN:
He's from Guam. We will be instructing you. Let's begin. You, impress me.
RESIDENT 1:
This patient is three days post-op. He has an open wound, which is healing nicely.
The RESIDENT lifts the bandage over the wound and GUS gags. SHAWN and GUS turn away.
SHAWN:
Knick Knack, get a hold of yourself! Or I'll put you on the first raft back to Talofo. (turns back and sees wound) Oh! God! That looks like road kill… (stutters) Yeah, is what his family probably thought when they came here to visit, because they love him. You know what? I was... I was thinking of something more in an older guy. Athletic build. Perhaps in a coma or a coma-like state.
RESIDENT 2:
The patient behind you is in a coma.
SHAWN:
No… (turns to look at Oswald and then back) Perfect. Let's begin there.
They walk over to Oswald and peer down at him.
RESIDENT 1:
John Doe, admitted two days ago with severe hypotension causing low brain perfusion. Also suffered Inter-Cranial bleed from syncope and falling down.
They straighten up. SHAWN looks at GUS questioningly. GUS shrugs.
SHAWN:
What the hell's wrong with you? Where do you get off using all those long, complicated words in front of the patient? You know, when I went to school where one goes to become a doctor…
GUS:
Med school.
SHAWN:
Yes. There was something called bedside manner. Do they not teach that anymore?
RESIDENT 1:
Uh, sir, this patient's unconscious. He can't hear me.
SHAWN:
You're wrong. You're dead wrong. He can hear you. Sure, his body is sleeping, but inside he is dancing, he is feeling it.
GUS:
He's doing his thing.
SHAWN:
And he hears you say all those scary words, and he retreats right back into his mind. Now, do you wanna help this patient or not?
RESIDENT 1:
Of course, sir.
SHAWN:
Then speak to me like I'm ten years old.
RESIDENT 1:
He had a sudden drop in blood pressure, which deprived his brain of blood. He also suffered a contusion and small cerebral hemorrhage.
SHAWN:
(nods) Talk to me like I'm five.
RESIDENT 1:
His blood pressure went boom, and his brain got an owie.
SHAWN:
I see. And why do we suspect foul play?
RESIDENT 2:
We don't suspect foul play.
SHAWN:
Oh, really? You don't find anything at all strange about his condition?
RESIDENT 2:
Well, his BP didn't come up immediately when we administered fluids.
SHAWN:
Uh-huh. And what does that tell us?
RESIDENT 2:
He probably took too much of his blood pressure medication by accident. Sometimes the elderly have to take a lot of pills at different dosages, or they take it, forget, and take it again.
RESIDENT 1:
But there's nothing criminal about that.
SHAWN:
No. No, there's not. Well done. Both of you. I don't know about you, but I'm drained. What do you say we take a fiver, grab a Coke, maybe play some Frogger.
SHAWN and GUS back away towards the door.
RESIDENT 2:
Doctor, we still have a lot of patients to see.
SHAWN:
Five minutes isn't gonna kill them, is it? Is it?
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, GROUNDS, DAY
GUS and SHAWN walk along a patio with shaded picnic tables. Some residents are playing croquet as other paint.
SHAWN:
We did it, Gus.
GUS:
Yup.
SHAWN:
We beat my dad. Proved our point. Now let's rub it in a little. Maybe make fun of his toes. Give Jervis the good news. Get the hell out of here!
They walk down the steps to the walk.
GUS:
I hear that. I'm starved.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, POOL, DAY
HENRY is swimming freestyle as he races other residents. Some of the female residents watch and cheer from the bleachers. HENRY touches the end first. Two men approach HENRY.
MAN 1:
Yeah!
HENRY:
Whoo!
MAN 1:
That's four in a row, Talmadge. (slaps HENRY’S hand) You're on fire!
MAN 2:
You just broke the Pines record.
SHAWN and GUS arrive.
SHAWN:
For what? Number of times jumping in without breaking a hip?
MAN 2:
Yeah, that's funny, kid. Hey, Talmy, who is this?
HENRY:
Oh, this is my s... uh, grandson Shawn and his… Gus. Hey, guys, meet Buddy Markowitz. He used to be a stand-up in the Catskills. And Rodrigo Lopez, one-time number five, clearly no longer, lightweight champion of the world.
BUDDY:
(points to man walking past them) Ah, and that's my Asian friend Hoo Flung Poo.
HENRY, BUDDY and RODRIGO laugh.
SHAWN:
I don't get it.
GUS:
That guy wasn't even Asian.
BUDDY:
Well, that's what makes it funny.
The guys laugh again.
SHAWN:
You mind if we steal G-pop here for a second?
RODRIGO:
Just as long as he's back in time for the cannonball competition!
HENRY:
(pulls himself out of the pool) Oh, yeah! (GUS hands him a towel) Oh, thank you.
We see HENRY is wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit. They leave the pool area.
SHAWN:
What are you wearing?
HENRY:
Well, you didn't pack me any trunks, Shawn. This is the only thing I could borrow.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, GROUNDS, DAY
SHAWN:
Yeah, well, while you've been here playing at Camp Cocoon, we've been busy solving the case.
GUS:
We found Oswald. He was in the hospital.
SHAWN:
Time to get you outta here.
HENRY:
No, no, no, no. We can't leave yet.
SHAWN:
Why not?
HENRY:
This case isn't over. Look, this place is a hot bed of suspicious activity.
MEREDITH arrives with lunch for HENRY.
MEREDITH:
Hey there! Here's your sandwich, Talmadge.
HENRY:
Well, thank you, Meredith. Thank you… (picks up sandwich) Where's that barbecue sauce?
MEREDITH:
You know Pamela really doesn't like complainers here. You know, you’re lucky. You should see the food give my mother over at that horrible Sunshine Meadows place. It is one step above cat food.
HENRY:
Gee, Mer, I'd feel a whole lot luckier if the sweetest woman in the world would score me just a little teensy, eensy, weensy bit of steak sauce. Come on.
MEREDITH:
(to SHAWN and GUS) Your grandfather is a flirt. (to HENRY) You are, ah! (giggles and walks away)
SHAWN:
That is disgusting. You like it here. You… You do. That’s… That's why you wanna keep investigating. Because you like the sandwiches and the adulation.
HENRY:
Shawn, I'm telling you. Something else is going on here.
SHAWN:
Dad, we found Oswald. There's nothing left to solve. Admit it. We beat you because we have the sweetness.
GUARD:
All right, clear a path, folks. Coming through. It's all right.
They look over to the patio where they see a guard clearing a path for EMTs with a man on a gurney.
HENRY:
You have the sweetness? What about that guy, Shawn?
SHAWN sees a bracelet on the sick man’s arm similar to the one Oswald had. A woman screams and they turn to the pool where a man who was sitting on the edge had fallen in. Another man dives in to save him.
HENRY:
What about that one?
SHAWN sees another bracelet on the man who fell in.
GUS:
They're dropping like flies.
PAMELA watches from inside.
HENRY:
You saw the bracelets, didn't you?
SHAWN:
Yes, I saw them.
HENRY:
All right, so we got three guys all living at the same place. They all get sick, and for some reason they're all wearing the same bracelets. What were you saying again, Shawn, about solving this case?
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
SHAWN is acting out a “vision”, pretending to be old; walking bent over and talking in a weak, older voice. The BOY is sitting in a chair, watching. VICK is sitting on the edge of a desk as is LASSITER. JULIET stands in front of them.
SHAWN:
Someone is trying to off old-timers at Glorious Pines.
GUS:
Three people have gotten suddenly sick there. It could be an Angel of Death type thing.
LASSITER:
You know, that is a brilliant theory. But what you've failed to take into account is that it's five degrees hotter today than the same day last year. (slaps away SHAWN’S hands)
SHAWN:
(gasps and straightens up) Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. It's true. I'm sorry, I thought we were offering up useless pieces of information.
JULIET:
What Lassiter here means is that it's not out of the ordinary for older people to fall ill during heat waves or cold snaps.
JERVIS:
Look, we found Oswald when you were convinced he was just wandering around in his bathrobe.
GUS:
This is our client, Jervis Kent.
JERVIS:
I mean, shouldn't you call forensics in? Look at wills, interview beneficiaries? I learned that at the police academy.
VICK:
You went to the academy?
JULIET:
I thought I recognized that name. Aren't you the guy who set his black and white on fire during the academy road test?
LASSITER:
(stands) Yeah, you shot someone's toe off at the police firing range.
JERVIS:
It didn't come all the way off.
LASSITER:
I saw him yesterday. He still has a limp.
SHAWN:
Spool! Threads! Thread! I'm seeing thread. Spinning, and, and, bobbing and weaving. Arting. Yet crafting. (spins his left hand around his right wrist) Bracelets. Homemade bracelets. All three of them had the same bracelet.
LASSITER:
Well, in that case, O'Hara, call CNN because we've got their new lead story.
VICK:
Do the doctors who've been treating any of these patients suspect foul play?
JULIET:
No, Chief.
VICK:
Well, double-check. Mr. Spencer, as always it's been an experience. You know where the exit is. (leaves)
SHAWN and GUS leave with JULIET.
SHAWN:
(whispers) Come on, you gotta finesse that kind…
LASSITER:
Do you see what happens when you act like a jackass all the time? No one takes you seriously. If you do not wanna end up like that buffoon, you better learn to walk the straight and narrow.
The BOY stands and watches as SHAWN talks with JULIET.
BOY:
I don't like that guy.
LASSITER:
There's hope for you yet, kid.
LASSITER slaps the BOY on the back and he flinches. LASSITER walks away.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
SHAWN, GUS and JERVIS walk the steps to the second floor.
JERVIS:
And what was all that bracelet talk?
SHAWN:
I sensed a common thread. Pun intended.
JERVIS:
You mean the friendship bracelets? Those came from Chelsea. She makes them herself in craft class. And she doesn't just give 'em to anybody.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, DANCE FLOOR, DAY
SHAWN and GUS peer around a piano and see HENRY dancing an intense tango with CHELSEA.
SHAWN:
Dude, she's totally dancing with my dad.
GUS:
Where did he learn the tango?
SHAWN:
Grab a partner. Meet me on the dance floor.
GUS and SHAWN split up.
HENRY:
So you knew my friend Oswald, right?
CHELSEA:
He courted me a little.
SHAWN:
(clears throat) Can I, uh, get cutsies?
HENRY:
Find your own partner, Shawn.
CHELSEA:
I don't mind, Talmadge. I haven't had this many men ask me to dance since Nixon went to China.
HENRY spins CHELSEA into SHAWN’S arms.
SHAWN:
Hello. My name is Shawn. I'm Talmadge's grandson. I'm trying to meet all of his new friends. Did he happen to mention that I'm a psychic?
CHELSEA:
Oh, psychic, really?
HENRY shadows them as he watches SHAWN dance.
SHAWN:
I sensed a dark cloud. And then, did you hear about what happened to Harley? The paramedics and all of that stuff?
CHELSEA:
Of course I heard. He's an ex-boyfriend of mine.
GUS is on the other side of the dance-floor with an older WOMAN standing with him as if dancing but they are standing still.
WOMAN:
You dance divinely, Burton.
GUS:
Thank you.
HENRY:
My turn, Shawn.
SHAWN twirls CHELSEA into HENRY’S arms.
HENRY:
So you're quite the queen bee around here? You have many boyfriends here at Glorious Pines?
CHELSEA:
I've had my share of romantic trysts. Men fall in love easily when I start taking care of them.
HENRY:
What do you mean?
WOMAN:
(to GUS) Now spin me. (they don’t move) Marvelous.
CHELSEA:
They call it the Florence Nightingale effect.
SHAWN intercepts the couple as they cross the floor and takes HENRY’S place.
SHAWN:
So you're a nurse. You must have done a lot of work here with different medications.
CHELSEA:
Well, not anymore. All I do now is lead the Heart Smart high blood pressure seminar once a month. That's where I met Harley and Oswald.
SHAWN meets HENRY’S eyes over CHELSEA. He then dips her. HENRY jerks his head before leaving.
SHAWN:
Save me a seat at bingo.
SHAWN pulls CHELSEA upright before hurrying after HENRY. GUS’ partner is asleep on her feet, snoring.
GUS:
Shawn! Shawn, come back here!
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
SHAWN, GUS and HENRY walk down the hall.
HENRY:
We learned that all the victims had high blood pressure, so they might have been on the same medications.
GUS:
I learned that old people are heavy.
SHAWN:
Look, my prized students believe that Ozzie got sick because he overdosed on his medication.
GUS:
Maybe they all did. Which means either three different people all accidentally took too many pills…
SHAWN:
Or someone else slipped it to them.
HENRY:
Wait, wait, wait a minute. I overheard a couple of the guards talking about a break-in at the on-site pharmacy here last week.
SHAWN:
Really? You wait until just now to tell us that?
HENRY:
The thief got away with Codeine and OxyContin, but I think they also got away with blood pressure medication.
SHAWN:
So that stuff was just a cover to make it look like drug-seeker. The BP Meds were the real target. All right, at least that gives us the how. Now we just gotta figure out the why. Which reminds me, Gus, will you please get us those tickets for The Who?
GUS:
Where?
SHAWN and GUS point at each other.
SHAWN:
Look, we need to get a list of all the people on blood pressure medication. They're all targets.
HENRY:
That's something Pamela would have.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
HENRY peers through the bannister rails and sees PAMELA in her office. He slowly creeps down the stairs and SHAWN and GUS follow.
HENRY:
We gotta get her outta there. The real Talmadge's stuff showed up this morning. He's gonna be here today.
SHAWN:
I bet she'll come out if a resident hurt themselves. (looks at HENRY) Take a spill down the stairs.
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN:
Just take a quick header down the stairs.
HENRY:
I'm not gonna deliberately hurt myself, break my neck to create a distraction.
SHAWN:
Fine, we’ll push you. It'll be an accident. Does that make it easier?
GUS:
Shawn!
SHAWN:
(to GUS) What? (to HENRY) You have to do something.
With a sigh of resignation, HENRY kicks his foot against the railings.
HENRY:
Oh, my toe! Ow! Hey, I hurt my toe here!
GUS:
You stubbed your toe?
SHAWN:
Dude, you have to do better than that.
HENRY:
I'm your father. You do not call me “dude”.
SHAWN:
Pull your weight! Come on.
HENRY puts his right hand on his right side and staggers down past the landing.
HENRY:
My liver! My liver! Oh, my liver! It could be failing. Aah!
SHAWN and GUS run down to him. HENRY is now holding his left side.
SHAWN:
You go from one to ten like that? How about a heart attack or a stroke?
SHAWN and GUS go down the stairs and hide out of the way so they can sneak into PAMELA’S office when she comes out.
HENRY:
My liver. My liver! Oh, God, it hurts.
HENRY continues to groan. PAMELA hurries from her office. SHAWN and GUS hide behind the center table with its vase of flowers. They spin it along with them to keep out of sight. HENRY sits on the steps.
PAMELA:
Your liver is fine. You're not even jaundiced. (looks to the table but no one is there) Abdominal pain can be caused by a lot of things. You're not even holding your liver. That's your spleen.
HENRY:
My spleen? It's my spleen! It's about to rupture!
PAMELA:
Now, now, now, now, Mr. McGulager, settle down.
GUS and SHAWN run to the office and GUS closes the door behind them.
HENRY:
Oh, it's so painful!
PAMELA:
Just a moment, you’re going to be…
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN goes to the computer on a side table and GUS heads for PAMELA’S desk and uses the computer there.
SHAWN:
We need to find a list of people's medications.
GUS:
Cool.
SHAWN looks through a file on the table.
SHAWN:
I think this is it! No, this is the waiting list. Dude, Oswald's getting kicked out tomorrow. It says FTC Next to his name. The other two victims as well. FTC! Ferocious tiger what? (walks over to GUS and slams the paper on the desk)
GUS:
FTC means full-time care. (looks at list) Looks like all the victims need additional nursing assistance now.
SHAWN:
What? They get kicked out for that?
GUS:
This place won't accept anybody that needs continuous medical care. It was all in the informational handbook.
SHAWN:
That's what's happening here. Someone on the waiting list got tired of waiting! Recognize any of those names? (smirks)
GUS:
(taps sheet) We just found our bad guy! (stands) Whoo!
SHAWN and GUS do their own happy dance.
GUS:
What? What? What? What?
There is a knocking at the door and they stop. The knob rattles.
PAMELA:
(muffled) Is someone in there?
SHAWN:
Take the window!
SHAWN and GUS duck out the open window and run away.
PAMELA:
(muffled) Who's in there? Lester! Lester, I need the key.
INT. SBPD, INTERVIEW ROOM, DAY
LASSITER leans against the table. The BOY is sitting in a chair facing a large black man in prison orange.
LASSITER:
This is Darryl Jablonsky. He's currently doing a nickel at the State Pen. Darryl, meet JJ.
DARRYL:
(low gravelly voice) Call me Hell on earth.
LASSITER:
We all thought JJ would benefit in meeting you, Hell. See, you two have a lot in common. JJ here is also a tough guy who’s not afraid of the law.
DARRYL:
So what you in for?
JJ:
Vandalism. Repeated.
DARRYL:
Vandalism. So why don't you take his rap sheet back to Chuck E. Cheese, man, because the only thing you're gonna get in here is curb full of Chicago smile and… (moves forward in his seat, pointing at JJ and pauses) I'm sorry. I just can't do this, man.
LASSITER:
Okay, I think he's got the message. Prison is hell. (claps hands) Let's go. (moves to leave)
JJ:
(raises hand to stop LASSITER) Can't do what?
DARRYL:
I can't lie, JJ. It’s part of my rehabilitation according to Dr. Shenkman. I'm not supposed to be lying, or anything, you know?
With a sigh, LASSITER leans back against the table and crosses his arms.
JJ:
So, tell me for real, what's it like in prison?
DARRYL:
For real? (chuckles) It ain't bad. I hang out with my best friend, White Slavery, most of the day. We go work out, chill in the library, or we got The Corrections on CD. It's read by Robert Forster. It's pretty good. It's tight, man. I enjoyed it. Then we go back again, we work out, we eat, we sleep, we chit-chat. Play ball, you know what I mean? We do what we do, man. It's, like, good living out here, man.
LASSITER:
Okay, but the guards are merciless.
DARRYL:
Nah, man, they're pretty cool, man. Actually, we're having a birthday party for one of them later on today. (looks over to guard by the door) Hey, is Tyrone baking the cake, man? All right. See? I even have a job in prison, man. Telemarketer, man. Best seller of this month. Believe that. Bang! It's all right in here, man. Don't worry about a thing. You're gonna have a blast, man.
LASSITER:
Okay, this is absolutely pointless. Let's go. Come on! (grabs JJ by the arm and yanks him towards the door) Thanks for nothing, Darryl. (stops at the door) By the way, you can kiss that recommendation at your next parole board hearing sayonara.
DARRYL:
That's cool. I hear we're getting a Frappuccino machine next month.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
Some residents are sitting at the tables around the outside having lunch while others sit on chairs and couches. BUDDY is doing a stand-up routine in the middle of the room.
BUDDY:
So, what goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6? Bo Derek getting old! (no one laughs so he taps another man’s hearing aid) Hey! Is this thing on?
SHAWN, GUS, HENRY and JERVIS enter the room from the side.
SHAWN:
There is a malicious force at work in Glorious Pines! The recent rash of illnesses here, not an accident!
PAMELA observes from the second floor.
BUDDY:
(looks around) What the hell's going on here?
CHELSEA:
He's a psychic. Maybe he's having an episode.
SHAWN:
Yes, and I can feel that the culprit is right here in this room, and it's you! (points)
MEREDITH stops behind BUDDY.
BUDDY:
(points to himself) Me? Well, I can't lie. I've killed onstage.
MEREDITH walks over and sets a plate on the table in front of CHELSEA.
SHAWN:
No, no, no, not you. Her!
CHELSEA:
Who me?
SHAWN:
No, not… Not you. Her. Her! Meredith Cloverfield!
Everyone murmurs.
MEREDITH:
What? You…
SHAWN:
A name is coming to my brain. Help me. Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, Rhonda! Rhonda Cloverfield. Your dear old mother at Sunshine Meadows. Seventh on the waiting list to get into The Pines, but you couldn't stand watching her rot away at that hell hole. 'Cause there's no sunshine, and there's no meadows! You love her, so you tried to bump her up that wait list.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, PHARMACY, DAY
MEREDITH breaks the glass of the cabinets and grabs bottles.
SHAWN: (v.o.)
The first thing you did, break into the pharmacy, snatch yourself some blood pressure medication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
And then you targeted the people that were already taking those pills, whose food you served. Chelsea's bracelets practically marked 'em for you. First up, Oswald Chester.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, OSWALD’S ROOM, DAY
MEREDITH is in the kitchenette preparing a meal while Oswald is watching TV. She crushes pills and sprinkles it into the food. Oswald eats without realizing.
SHAWN: (v.o.)
You knew he carbed up before a run. It was the perfect opportunity to make him overdose.
EXT. PARK, DAY
Oswald jogs up the steps, stops and grips his chest before falling and hitting his head on the rock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
MEREDITH:
This is outrageous. I couldn't hurt a fly.
SHAWN:
But you could. But she did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
MEREDITH serves dinner to two men sitting at a table.
MEREDITH:
There you go.
SHAWN: (v.o.)
Almost killed two other members of this community.
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, HALL, DAY
One of the men is alone in the hall as he clutches his chest and falls to the floor.
EXT. GLORIOUS PINES, POOL, DAY
The other man falls unconscious into the pool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, COMMON ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
A couple more people, and you and your mother would have been reunited, and it would have felt so good.
HENRY notices one of the guards walk in with an older man.
HENRY:
(leans over to GUS and whispers) Talmadge McGulager. Our cover's blown.
GUS:
(walks over to SHAWN) Wrap it up, Shawn. Quick!
SHAWN looks over and sees the real Talmadge with the monogram on his shirt pocket. He looks back at MEREDITH and sees powder along her cuticles.
SHAWN:
Check her pockets for pills! I think she's got some on her right now!
SHAWN, GUS and HENRY back away as JERVIS goes to MEREDITH and checks the pockets of her sweater.
MEREDITH:
No! Ow! Ow! How dare you?
JERVIS pulls a baggie from one of her pockets.
JERVIS:
Do you have a prescription for these?
GUS:
Everyone here in the room with high blood pressure, your food may be poisoned!
SHAWN:
That's right! Spit it out!
Many of the residents spit their food into napkins.
SHAWN:
Get some baggies, 'cause this stuff is evidence. Jervis, baby, slap the cuffs on her!
SHAWN climbs on the sofa at the wall of the stairs and pulls himself over the rain onto the landing.
JERVIS:
All I've got is a rubber band and some twisty ties.
GUS:
It's fine, it's great! Just call the police!
GUS and HENRY hurry around either side of the stairs. SHAWN turns around and faces everyone.
SHAWN:
Gotta go! Peace!
INT. GLORIOUS PINES, LOBBY, DAY
SHAWN hurries down the steps and fist bumps GUS as he joins him. HENRY holds out his fist but SHAWN just waves him off. As they run for the door, we see a photo of the residents on the wall, HENRY is front and center.
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are waiting as VICK walks over.
VICK:
Mr. Spencer, good work on that retirement community case. Here's your check to show our gratitude.
SHAWN:
Thank you.
VICK:
Uh-huh. And in case you were wondering, Miss Cloverfield made a full confession.
VICK walks into the hall followed by GUS and SHAWN
INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY
LASSITER comes up behind them, pulling JJ by the arm. JULIET follows.
LASSITER:
I'm sorry, Chief. This demon spawn is beyond my help. (pushes JJ into a chair) I've tried threatening him. I've tried scaring him. I even tried bribery.
JULIET:
I told you kids want X-boxes, not hot chocolate.
LASSITER:
Does anyone know how to get Swiss Miss out of silk? (fingers his tie)
GUS:
Lemon wedges.
LASSITER:
All this kid cares about is what O'Hara's wearing and where she works out. (walks away)
SHAWN:
I'm a little curious myself.
JULIET glares at SHAWN before turning to VICK.
JULIET:
Chief.
VICK:
Yeah.
JULIET:
Since he has some sort of strange attachment to me, maybe I should try talking to him alone.
VICK:
Use my office.
JULIET:
Hey, you. Let's go.
JJ follows JULIET with a smile into VICK’S office. JULIET closes the door behind her. SHAWN and GUS walk closer to peer through the blinds. JULIET leans on VICK’S desk and smiles sweetly at JJ. She then leans forward, pointing a finger into his face, and talks vehemently, waving her hand to encompass everyone outside the office. JJ nods vigorously. She puts both hands on the arms of the chair and whispers in his ear.
SHAWN:
What is going on in there?
JULIET continues her “talk” with JJ who continues to nod, almost in fear. He stands and walks for the door. SHAWN and GUS pretend to be doing something else. VICK stands there with her arms crossed, a smile on her face. JJ steps out of the office, less cocky than when he went in. JULIET watches smugly as JJ walks over to LASSITER who is cleaning his tie.
JJ:
I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused earlier, and I promise it won't happen again.
LASSITER:
Well, I'm glad I finally got through to you.
JJ turns around and looks back at JULIET. She points at LASSITER. JJ turns back around.
JJ:
And I thank you for your time, and for keeping the streets of Santa Barbara safe.
JJ looks over to JULIET for approval. She snaps her fingers and points again. JJ sits in the chair by the coffee, hands on his lap. LASSITER looks at JJ and then back to JULIET. He walks over to stand in the middle of the hall. SHAWN, GUS and VICK stand next to him as they watch JULIET walk away from them. VICK smiles as she walks back to her office. SHAWN goes back into the bullpen and SHAWN turns down another hallway. LASSITER is left standing alone in the middle of the hall wiping his tie.