Transcript: 1x06 Weekend Warriors

[jpgr]

1986

EXT. FIELD, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are in scout uniforms sitting on a picnic table eating peanuts. HENRY is wearing jeans and a police department t-shirt and he lectures the boys on the lesson.

HENRY:
"For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction." Who? (kneels)

GUS:
Isaac Newton, third law of motion.

HENRY is putting together a rocket.

HENRY:
And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn.

SHAWN:
You push, they push back.

HENRY:
Correct. Why?

SHAWN:
Because man is a stupid creature who'd rather fight than use his brain.

HENRY:
And what idiot said that?

BOTH:
You did.

HENRY:
(stands) The name of the game is survival, sports fans. In order to survive, you've got to fight. (stuffs the parachute into the rocket) And if you fight, you better damn well win. Because if you don't win, and you don't use your brain, then what happens? Gus?

GUS:
You lose?

HENRY:
And for this troop, that is not an option.Comprende?

BOTH:
Sir, yes, sir!

HENRY:
Because losing is for lowlifes. Losing is for quitters. (bends over so he’s level with their faces) Are you boys lowlifes? Are you boys quitters?

BOTH:
Sir, no, sir!

HENRY:
Troop 101, ten-hut!

HENRY stands up straight as SHAWN and GUS jump off the table.

HENRY:
Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the Junior Bobcat Manual's infamous Exercise Number 32, the launching of a solid fuel rocket. Now, one of you lucky grunts is gonna nab this thing and you're gonna haul ass back to me. (kneels and attaches rocket to firing stand) The prize? A hot fudge sundae. But if you lose? What does the loser get, Shawn?

SHAWN:
He gets to look on with envy.

HENRY:
That is correct. He gets to look on with envy. (stands) Because that, gentlemen, is the American way. On your marks. (the boys take up position as HENRY checks his pocket watch) Ready. Set. (fires rocket) Go!

SHAWN and GUS run towards the woods and over the fence.

EXT. WOODS, DAY

SHAWN looks around for the rocket just as GUS jumps down onto the path with something yellow in his hands. GUS runs away.

EXT. FIELD, DAY

GUS runs up to HENRY who is sitting on the table eating peanuts. SHAWN follows.

HENRY:
(sees what GUS has) What's this? (takes parachute)

GUS:
A parachute.

HENRY:
I sent you after a rocket. Shawn? Where's my rocket?

SHAWN:
I thought he had it.

HENRY reaches around behind his back and shows them the rocket. SHAWN sees another path and mud on HENRY’S shoes.

SHAWN:
A shortcut! You took a shortcut!

HENRY:
A shortcut, huh? Prove it. (stands and sets up the rocket again) I'll tell you what, I beat you this time, I'm eating the sundae. (fires rocket)

PRESENT DAY

EXT. FIELD, DAY

We see a rocket fall from the sky near a camp of tents by a small creek bed. SHAWN and GUS walk down a dirt road to a spot overlooking the field. SHAWN has a blanket over his arm and GUS is carrying a bag of take-out. They each have a jar of Snapple.

SHAWN:
Ooh, just in time.

GUS:
For what?

SHAWN:
The annual Civil War re-enactors meltdown.

GUS:
The event isn't until next weekend.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but this is the best part, the rehearsal. This is what they should charge for.

Down on the field, LASSITER is on horseback in full costume, including a period beard and mustache of a Union officer.

LASSITER:
Form battle lines! Prepare muskets!

GUS:
Is that Lassiter?

SHAWN:
Yes, it is.

GUS:
What died on his face?

LASSITER:
Charge!

The re-enactors charge forward, meeting on the bridge. GUS and SHAWN are now sitting on the blanket eating their sandwiches. During the mock battle, LASSITER sees something wrong and halts it.

LASSITER:
Stop, stop, stop! Stop! (blows a bugle for their attention) Okay, guys, that was better. (stammers) Really. It was good, actually. Okay, it wasn't good. (dismounts) Look, guys, I know I promised last week that I wasn't going to give any more notes. But, guys, come on, that last charge, it was... How do I say this? It was a soul-sucking embarrassment that made me ashamed to wear the uniform. Luke Bauer? Where's Luke?

A man in Union uniform steps forward. He has a bayonet through his eye.

BAUER:
(salutes) Colonel Lassiter, sir!

LASSITER:
Luke, what did I say about the bayonet gag, huh? Too much. There's gonna be kids watching this, all right? We don't want the people in the grandstands to vomit. Okay, I know we haven't reenacted this one for a while. But the battle at Piper's Cove, Kentucky, 1864, is special to me. It ended Confederate Quantrill's plot to assassinate Lincoln. And it involved my great-great-grandfather, Colonel Muscum T. Lassiter...

GUS:
Muscum?

SHAWN:
What the hell is a Muscum?

GUS:
It was a very common name of the era. (SHAWN looks at him) History Channel.

SHAWN:
ESPN, Gus. Channel 206. I'm begging you. (looks up and sees JULIET) Hey, Jules! Wanna join?

JULIET:
Oh, can I?

SHAWN:
I don't know. Do you have your own hoopskirt?

JULIET:
I rent one.

LASSITER:
Sally Reynolds, front and center.

A woman dressed as a Civil War nurse steps forward.

LASSITER:
You missed your cue, Sally. The cannon fired, yet no Sally.

SALLY:
I got stuck in the hospital tent. Sergeant Menish had a quick question about his homeowner's policy.

LASSITER:
How touching. However, today you are not here to sell insurance, Sally. Today you are here to help me win the Civil War. And according to our battle plan, when the fifth cannon fires you exit the hospital tent and you shoot Captain Quantrill off his horse.

SALLY:
There's no need to get nasty.

SHAWN:
I agree. It was totally out of line. (they look at SHAWN) Sorry, I didn't think you could hear that!

LASSITER:
Sally, sweet Sally. (puts a hand on her shoulder and walks with her) If you do not point your gun at Captain Quantrill and fire at the prescribed moment, the audience will not be able to make heads nor tails of what we are doing.(jumps into the dry creek bed walks over to body) And it will appear as if the evil Captain Quantrill, now being portrayed by our horrifyingly method-acting Nelson Poe who happened to roll way off his mark, by the way, fell off his horse and is lying here for no apparent reason at all. Get up, Nelson. Nelson, I swear to God, if you're sleeping through rehearsal again... I said get up!

JULIET senses something is wrong and runs down to the bridge. SHAWN and GUS stand up. LASSITER kneels beside the body and checks for a pulse.

SHAWN:
Okay, either that guy is a phenomenal actor or he's dead.

**********************************************************************

PSYCH
“Weekend Warriors”
By
Douglas Steinberg

Starring
James Roday
Dule Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
And
Corbin Bernsen

Directed by:
John Fortenberry

**********************************************************************

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN is trying to plead his case with LASSITER. LASSITER has changed into a suit but still had the facial hair.

SHAWN:
Oh, come on, let me in on this.

LASSITER:
No.

SHAWN:
I was there. Inexplicably drawn to the scene. I was meant to solve this case. It's sort of like a miracle.

LASSITER:
You have been out there every weekend we've rehearsed. And don't think I didn't see you trying to throw M&Ms in the injured soldiers' mouths.

SHAWN:
Okay, first of all, those were Skittles, and they have a rainbow of flavors.

LASSITER:
The answer is still no. Beat it. (leaves)

The Evidence Room door opens and SHAWN can see inside where JULIET is examining the bullet hole in the coat Poe had been wearing. The door closes and, as LASSITER walks past, SHAWN goes into a “vision”.

SHAWN:
Oh! Hold it! I'm suddenly seeing Nelson. The bullet, traveling through the air, tearing, ripping, pain... The bullet went straight through his heart. This was not an accident, Detective!

LASSITER:
I don't know how you know that, and I don't give a rat's ass. This case is personal. One of my soldiers was killed on my watch. And I, not you, am going to clean it up. We clear?

SHAWN:
I wouldn't have gone with something as traditional as "we clear?" You could've gone foreign, right? Comprende? Capisc? Could have had a little fun with it. You dig my gist, sweetpants?

LASSITER shakes his head and walks to the conference room.

SHAWN:
(follows) These are just suggestions.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

VICK is discussing the incident with some of the people from the re-enactment - including SALLY. SHAWN follows LASSITER inside and slips along the back to stand by SALLY.

VICK:
...and to you, the Central Reenactment Committee, I say as of today, the event next weekend is still on, pending an investigation. Now, most of you are cops. Should we find any evidence that this was not an accident and do not make an arrest, we will re-evaluate at that time. Now that said, Detective Lassiter, I want to know how, I want to know who, I want to know why. (groans at the sight of his beard)

LASSITER:
Oh, it... It's kind of hard to get off. It takes a long time to unstick the glue.

VICK just looks at him.

LASSITER:
All right.

LASSITER turns around and rips off the mustache and beard. Everyone in the room winces in sympathy. One of the men raises a hand to his handlebar mustache. LASSITER turns around, jaw clenched, and clears his throat. VICK holds out her hands and LASSITER hands them over.

LASSITER:
Thank you, Chief. Pending the coroner's report, I'd have to say there are no indications of foul play. The general consensus is that a live round got mixed in with our blanks.

SHAWN looks at SALLY but turns away when she looks at him. She turns away quickly.

LASSITER:
Mr. Mahoney is the regiment's munitions expert and jeweler, one of Santa Barbara's finest. He can expand on this. Mr. Mahoney.

MAHONEY, an older man with white hair and beard in a Union uniform stands.

MAHONEY:
As you know, Detective, we had live-round target practice this past weekend. Along with you, we assumed a musket ball got stuck in one of our rifles, laid there unseen, and then a blank was inserted during the last rehearsal... Poor Nelson. A terrible, terrible, tragic accident.

JULIET enters as MAHONEY is speaking. SHAWN and SALLY don’t look at each other again.

LASSITER:
The battles meant so much to him. (MAHONEY sits) Anyway, this is an official police investigation. So let's focus on our schematic and nail down the specifics. Detective O'Hara, please.

JULIET steps forward.

SHAWN:
(to SALLY) Hey. What's the deal, why do you keep staring at me?

SALLY smiles but says nothing. JULIET moves in front of a board they have set up to show everyone’s position on the field.

JULIET:
One. It's our understanding that the victim was shot off his horse at the top of the creek bank here...(se see Nelson fall off his horse) And then rolled to the creek bed here. (we see Nelson roll on the ground)

LASSITER:
Two. We know Nelson was facing west, so we're gonna focus our attentions here on the opposite bank where we assume the shot originated.

SHAWN:
Assume. (pushes way forward) Detective?

LASSITER:
Spencer?

SHAWN:
What about three, the missing bullet? I saw it ripping through Nelson's body, in through the front, out through the back. And it still hasn't been found.

VICK:
Wait. How do you know all that?

SHAWN:
Lassy, you wanna take this one?

LASSITER:
He had an "episode" in the hallway. Look, I can handle this myself.

SHAWN picks up the small army man representing Nelson Poe and holds it to his ear.

SHAWN:
Nelson, Nelson, you're going to have to speak up. You're teeny! You were shot through the heart?

VICK:
(harsh whisper) Now, that was privileged information!

LASSITER:
I didn't say anything.

SHAWN:
(shushes them) Are you sure about this? It's bold, but I'll run with it. He says people don't get shot through the heart by accident. He says he was murdered.

VICK:
You're hired.

EXT. FIELD, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are walking through the camp.

GUS:
You told them what?

SHAWN:
Gus, she was hot, and she was dressed as a nurse. You know how I feel about that. Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do, not impress her? Plus, the tiny figurine made a very convincing argument.

GUS:
I don't know how you're gonna prove murder with two lousy bullet holes.

SHAWN:
Oh, relax. I did some checking on Nelson Poe, nobody liked him. Ever. And second of all...(hesitates)

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Dude, I don't have a second of all.

In the creek bed, LASSITER is directing the search. SHAWN and GUS sit on the bridge and watch.

LASSITER:
And we know Nelson was on top of the ridge, facing the Union soldiers over here when he was shot. So Schwartz, take Team A, check out that high grass. O'Hara, take Team B, start going over the ridge.

SHAWN reads the roster list of re-enactors LASSITER is holding behind his back. Some names have check marks next to them.

LASSITER:
Do it.

MEN:
(salute) Yes, sir.

SHAWN and GUS chuckle. LASSITER turns around and SHAWN gives him a mock salute.

LASSITER:
Find something amusing?

SHAWN:
Mildly amusing. More odd. Delightful, in a queer sort of way.

The search party breaks apart and LASSITER joins SHAWN and GUS on the bridge.

LASSITER:
For your edification, the reenactment of the battles...

SHAWN:
Edification?

LASSITER:
Yeah, edification.

SHAWN:
Is that legal? Like, in public. Public edification's legal?

LASSITER:
It means for your information...

SHAWN:
Why didn't you just say that?

LASSITER:
For your edification, the reenactment of battles, battles fought by our forefathers to preserve this Union, is a sacred trust. What are you guys doing here, anyway?

GUS:
I'm a bit of a Civil War buff.

SHAWN:
I'm reading the dirt. The trees. The hot dog stand. No real information there, but they do great sauerkraut. I may even be able to help you name a suspect.

LASSITER:
Look, I told you, we're 95% sure this was an accidental shooting.

SHAWN:
What about the other 5%?

LASSITER:
If I am wrong, we will hold a press conference, you two will be cordially invited to say "I told you so."

SHAWN:
Seems fair. Hey... Can I wear your face wig?

LASSITER walks away.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN dumps out a box of miscellaneous toy figures onto the air hockey table. GUS is sitting at his desk.

GUS:
What are you doing?

SHAWN:
Shockingly, Lassiter is holding out on us. I do not think that he thinks that this was an accident.

GUS:
What do you mean? (stands and walks over)

SHAWN:
I saw three names checked off the roster on his clipboard.

GUS:
What names?

SHAWN:
Gus, I thought you'd never ask.

SHAWN uses the figurines and draws on the hockey table to reconstruct the battlefield. He even takes branches from a plant to act as woods.

GUS:
What is this?

SHAWN:
The battlefield.

GUS:
Based on what?

SHAWN:
The briefing room board at the police station.

GUS:
You did this from memory?

SHAWN:
Yes.

GUS:
You said you saw it for two minutes.

SHAWN:
Right, two whole minutes.

GUS:
You got problems.

SHAWN:
Factoid! (holds up small wooden hoop) The musket is accurate from 30 yards. (lays the hoop on the table encompassing two figures) Poe. G.C.

GUS:
G.C.?

SHAWN:
(flashes on the list) George Cheslow.

GUS:
George Cheslow? From sixth grade?

SHAWN:
Little Georgie!

GUS:
He's, like, a dentist now.

SHAWN:
Really?

INT. DENTIST OFFICE, RECEPTION, DAY

A mother and son are at the counter.

RECEPTIONIST:
See you in six months.

The mother and son leave and we see SHAWN and GUS sitting in front of the window.

SHAWN:
We go in, we check it out. See if George Cheslow had any reason to murder somebody. (makes exaggerated popping sound) Pop out.

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Guster. The dentist will see you now.

SHAWN:
Sweet.

SHAWN stands but GUS grabs him by the arm and pulls him back down into his seat.

GUS:
Whoa! Me? My teeth are gorgeous. You said the appointment was for you.

SHAWN:
Right. For me to do some snooping. Because I'm a much better snooper than you are. You just keep him occupied.

GUS:
Occupied how?

SHAWN looks at him as if to say “What a stupid question”.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE, EXAM ROOM, DAY

GUS is in the dentist’s chair, a mold in his mouth to take an impression of his teeth. He tries to talk but it’s indecipherable. SHAWN is fiddling with a model mouth.

SHAWN:
Gus, stop it. Be a man.

GUS talks again.

GEORGE:
What's he saying?

SHAWN:
He says his teeth are gorgeous.

GEORGE:
I'm sorry, Shawn, but the reason you have to be here, too, is?

SHAWN:
George, Gus has phobias. And being alone in a dentist chair is one. He could snap at any moment. This is actually for your own protection. Last time he bit off an index finger. Thankfully, I was there. They were able to save everything but the nail.

A gorgeous blonde enters the room.

BLONDE:
Oops. Pardonne-moi. Honey, can I talk to you for a minute?

GEORGE:
Oh, sure. Gentleman, duty calls.

GEORGE gets up and walks out with the BLONDE. GUS looks at SHAWN who moths “Hot!” With GEORGE out of the room, he looks through some drawers. He then steps to the other side of the open partition to listen to the conversation.

BLONDE:
Oh, and the credit card won't go through. Do you have any cash?

GEORGE:
Oh, sure. (reaches into his pocket)

BLONDE:
I've got tennis, then dinner with Karen.

SHAWN sees that she is wearing an expensive necklace and tennis bracelet. She also cleans out GEORGE’S wallet.

GEORGE:
Okay, I'll hit an ATM, that's...

BLONDE:
Don't wait up if I'm late.

GEORGE:
Oh, okay. All right. (she kisses him on the cheek) Bye, sweetie. Good shopping. (he pats her ass and growls)

SHAWN ducks back into the room before GEORGE comes back in.

GEORGE:
Ah, yes. (sits down)

SHAWN:
George, I heard you got married, but, wow, huh?

GEORGE:
I know what you're thinking, "What's wrong with this picture?" But, you know, where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?

SHAWN:
Everywhere, man.

GEORGE:
Yeah.

GEORGE stands and hits his head on the light

GEORGE:
No, we're fine. We're better, you're fine. Don't worry about it. (pats GUS on the shoulder as he goes to check the X-rays) Let's see here.

SHAWN:
So how is married life treating you these days, George? Everything...Everything solid? (looks around while GEORGE’S back is turned)

GEORGE:
Why are you snooping around here, Shawn? (turns around) You think I did this because Erlene was having an affair with Poe?

SHAWN:
Huh?

GEORGE:
You didn't know.

SHAWN:
Of course I knew, George. I'm a psychic.

GEORGE:
It was over, completely over. I'm beyond it and Erlene's beyond it. (sits back down) At least, I think she is. I... I had some gauze...(looks around) It's right...If I could just...

SHAWN flips the magnifying lenses down over GEORGE’S glasses.

GEORGE:
Oh, there you go. Thank you. (uses the gauze to wipe GUS’ mouth)

SHAWN:
George, do you wear your glasses out on the battlefield?

GEORGE:
Oh, I want to, but Lassiter won't let me. He says they're not of the period. (removes the impression from GUS’ mouth)

SHAWN:
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Gus here doesn't think you did it.

GUS:
Neither does Shawn.

GEORGE:
(examines GUS) Well, thanks, guys, I appreciate that. Oops!

GUS:
Oops?

GEORGE:
Small cavity.

GUS:
I don't have any cavity in my mouth...

GEORGE:
It's right on the surface. Don't worry about it. (injects Novocain)

GUS grunts.

GEORGE:
There we go. There's my trooper.

GUS:
Listen, Georgie, nobody's drilled my mouth for anything...(his words become unintelligible as the drug numbs his mouth)

LASSITER and JULIET enter with officers.

LASSITER:
George? (sees SHAWN) Why am I surprised?

SHAWN:
It is a funny coincidence. Hey, Jules.

GEORGE stands.

LASSITER:
George, I hate to say this, but you're under arrest for the murder of Nelson Poe.

GEORGE:
What? On what grounds?

SHAWN:
You said it was an accident.

LASSITER:
We discovered a stack of love letters at Nelson's house indicating he was having an affair with your wife and that you had threatened to kill him.

GEORGE:
(scoffs) Oh, come on.

LASSITER:
I am so disappointed in you.

GEORGE tries to get away but walks into a table and the officer is able to cuff him.

GEORGE:
All right. Okay, okay, okay.

JULIET and the officers take GEORGE away. GUS stands.

GUS:
(mumbles) You got the wrong man.

LASSITER:
What did he say?

SHAWN:
You've got the wrong man.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER is walking down the hall with VICK when SHAWN joins them.

SHAWN:
First, I told you so. Secondly, I think George Cheslow is an innocent man.

LASSITER:
Yeah, you know, he's right. We do have a paper-thin case.

They walk into VICK’S office.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

LASSITER:
I mean, all we've got is motive, means and opportunity.

SHAWN:
Look, guys. I had a dream last night. I was sipping iced wine with a baby tree monkey. And I fell and I landed in a wooded area. And that's where I saw Nelson Poe get shot. Only, in my dream, the shooter was much closer than I originally thought. (reaches into pocket and pulls out ammunition) This is a minie ball, am I right? (tosses it at LASSITER)

LASSITER:
(catches minie ball) Where did you get this?

SHAWN:
Your desk. Now, it's common knowledge that minie balls cause huge gaping holes in human flesh which leads to a quandary in my dream. Why was Nelson Poe's exit wound so small? If George Cheslow had been in that wooded area, he was way too far to make a shot that caused such a little hole. Whoever shot Nelson was much, much closer.

LASSITER:
And this "whoever" would be...

SHAWN:
Engelbert Humperdinck.

LASSITER:
So you've got nothing. Thank you for the random speculation. Goodbye.

VICK:
Mr. Spencer, if you can't name names, I'm afraid he's right this time.

SHAWN:
Fine, I'll get you a name. (heads for door but stops in front of LASSITER) And I'm gonna get you a woman. (leaves)

VICK walks behind her desk and takes a sip of water. LASSITER looks at her.

LASSITER:
"Afraid he's right"? "This time"?

INT. MAHONEY’S JEWELRY STORE, DAY

HENRY is sitting at a table in front of the windows with MAHONEY. He has a red jewelry box in front of him. MAHONEY has an order slip.

HENRY:
It's a gift, actually, for my son. A surprise of sorts. This way he, my son, will be able to keep track of time for a change. Kid was late at birth, he's been late ever since. (holds watch) Now, he is going to have a gold pocket watch just like mine. I've had mine for 30 years.

MAHONEY:
I see. Now, the inscription. What would you like it to say?

HENRY:
"Shawn, don't lose this watch, Henry Spencer."

MAHONEY:
(writing) Spencer. (hesitates)

HENRY:
What, too much?

MAHONEY:
No, no. It's just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name. It might contradict the sentiment.

HENRY:
All right, what would you suggest? (crosses arms)

MAHONEY:
"Love, Dad"?

HENRY:
(scoffs) "Love, Dad." Well, why don't you just put "Kissy, kissy"?

MAHONEY:
Right, too mushy. No problem. So, before we go any further, let's see. (itemizes) Vintage gold pocket watch. Gold chain. Taxes and engraving, comes to a total of... (holds the calculator up for HENRY)

HENRY:
Wait, wait, wait. Where's my discount? I'm ex-cop. Half the regiment's cop. I thought we agreed on $400.

MAHONEY:
Oh, yes, we did. But at $4 per engraved letter, that adds a total of $210.

HENRY:
All right, take away "Shawn," "this watch", "Spencer." How much does that come out to?

MAHONEY:
$56 for the engraving plus tax, $460 even.

HENRY:
And what does the revised inscription read?

MAHONEY:
"Don't lose, Henry."

HENRY:
Clean, to the point. I like it.

INT. CENTRAL COAST PHARMACEUTICALS, GUS’ OFFICE, DAY

GUS is sorting through samples when there is a knock on the door and a secretary steps in.

GUS:
Come in.

SECRETARY:
Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn't want to be interrupted, but there is a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.

GUS:
Crunch?

SHAWN appears in the doorway in a Union soldier uniform complete with cap and long sideburns.

SHAWN:
Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

GUS:
Thank you.

The secretary leaves and SHAWN closes the door.

GUS:
Not in a thousand years.

SHAWN:
Dude, we're joining that regiment.

GUS:
No, we are not, Shawn.

SHAWN:
They're down to 30 guys.

GUS:
Please, I have a meeting in...

SHAWN:
And this mystery is still wide open. Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars.

GUS:
There's just one thing you haven't considered in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.

SHAWN:
That's not true. I've considered everything.

GUS:
Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?

SHAWN:
I don't... What do you...

GUS:
What role would I play in the midst of all those hardcore down-to-the-last-detail Civil War re-enactors? Would I be...

SHAWN:
No. Gus, no.

GUS:
Okay, then maybe would I be...

SHAWN:
Never. Who are you talking to? You're talking to me. This is me.

GUS:
Then what, Shawn? What would I be? Because I tell you, there is no way, no way, that I would ever, never ever...

SHAWN:
May I please tell you what I was thinking?

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I was thinking Glory. I was thinking Denzel.

GUS:
Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?

SHAWN:
No, the other Denzel. Of course. And we'll put you on a horse, and we'll give you your own sword. You're gonna have a chestful of medals. You can be anything you want. You can be a pilot.

GUS:
The Air Force wasn't formed until World War I.

SHAWN:
That's fair. So you can't be a pilot. Look, I called Mr. Mahoney, he's Mr. Uniform, and I told him to make you something spectacular.

GUS:
Denzel Washington.

INT. MAHONEY’S JEWELRY STORE, DAY

From within the store, we see SHAWN and GUS walking towards the entrance. SHAWN opens the door.

SHAWN:
Captain Mahoney, you said we needed recruits? Voilà.

MAHONEY walks over and shakes GUS’ hand.

MAHONEY:
Welcome aboard, son. (to SHAWN) I didn't expect you back so soon. Don't know if the uniforms are ready yet.

SHAWN:
But it is spectacular?

GUS:
You saw Glory?

MAHONEY:
This is the best we had. Well, come along.

The cross the floor.

SHAWN:
I told you.

INT. MAHONEY’S JEWELRY STORE, STOREROOM DAY

In the basement, aside from stock for the store, is MAHONEY’S Civil War memorabilia collection.

GUS:
Wow, Captain, it's quite an establishment you've got here.

MAHONEY:
My sanctum sanctorum. (unlocks barred door) Fine jewelry, yes. Even my vintage pocket watch collection. But above all, the finest Civil War memorabilia and props west of the Mississippi.

SALLY enters with a garment bag.

SALLY:
I can attest to that. I've repaired nearly half of them.

SHAWN:
(removes cap) Sally. I am so happy to see you, though I'm a little disappointed you're not wearing your nurse's uniform.

SALLY:
Griffin called me, frantic, saying we needed one more outfit. You okay with that?

SHAWN:
I sure am. It's just a shame you didn't dress me.

SALLY:
Still time for that.

SHAWN turns and looks at GUS.

MAHONEY:
Aside from reenacting, Sally insures half the regiment. Auto policies, homeowners. Even theft.

SHAWN:
Speaking of which, Griff, I'm thinking of insuring my legs. Sort of like Mary Hart. What do you think, three, five million a haunch? Keep in mind my calves are like carved marble.

MAHONEY:
That's not the kind of policy she writes.

SHAWN:
So she wrote yours?

MAHONEY:
Of course. And it's worth more than both your legs put together.

SHAWN:
Does that policy include plastic explosives? (holds up metal case) 'Cause I see that you're packing C-4. Is this authentic?

GUS:
Better yet, is it even legal?

MAHONEY:
For the reenactments. We fudge the fireworks sometimes. Our audience goes wild every year when the fake cannon fire showers them with dirt.

GUS:
What do we have here? (picks up a period rifle) C.S. Richmond High Hump. .58-caliber percussion loader. (aims) Iron ramrod.

MAHONEY:
Good Lord, Burton, you are a wonk.

GUS:
(feels something on the rifle) What the heck?

MAHONEY:
Sorry. Sorry. The battlefield can be pretty messy at times. (takes rifle and gives GUS handkerchief)

JULIET senses something is wrong and runs down to the bridge. SHAWN and GUS stand up. LASSITER kneels beside the body and checks for a pulse.

SHAWN:
(picks up a glass jar) What about these jars with the buttons in them?

MAHONEY:
For the super hardcores. They soak their brass in urine.

SHAWN puts the jar back.

SALLY:
You ready to try this thing on?

GUS:
Sure.

GUS looks at himself in the mirror. He is wearing a uniform that is practically dripping in gold braid and red sash. It also has fringed gold epaulets. The hat has a large red plume. SHAWN comes up behind him.

SHAWN:
Dude, you look awesome.

EXT. RE-ENACTORS’ CAMP, NIGHT

A man is playing a harmonica and small cooking fires are burning. GUS, in uniform, is walking will SALLY, who is also in costume.

GUS:
Are you sure there's not another uniform?

SALLY:
Yeah. But, I'm checking with the Ventura Association. Personally, I think you look dashing. I always loved the marching band.

SHAWN has taken his creature comforts with him and is playing an electronic golf game while sitting on an inflatable chair. Some other soldiers are watching. He is also grilling hamburgers.

SHAWN:
It's not so much me as it is Mickelson. He's good.

GUS:
(walks over to SHAWN) Shawn, we're supposed to be roughing it.

SHAWN:
Gus, for your edification, they don't have TiVo out here. Hi, Sally Reynolds. (throws away controls and stands) Keep an eye on those patties. (holds out arm for SALLY) Shall we? Let's go somewhere dark. You can give me a history lesson.

After SHAWN and SALLY walk away, GUS tries to sit in the chair without puncturing it with the sword. SHAWN and SALLY walk towards the creek bed.

SHAWN:
Captain Quantrill, he's the guy that burned down the abolitionist town?

SALLY:
Lawrence, Kansas, 1863. A year later they were hell-bent on assassinating Lincoln.

SHAWN:
But Lassiter's great-great-granddad, Muscum, he stopped 'em cold on the bridge, yeah? Sort of like a noble calling, right?

SALLY:
Something like that.

SHAWN:
And the nurse you portray, who's that?

SALLY:
Jenny Winslow. She lost her husband and two sons at Lawrence. She wanted revenge, and she got it.

SHAWN:
And what about you, Sally Reynolds? What do you want?

SALLY:
Shouldn't you already know?

SHAWN:
Why, because I'm psychic?

SALLY:
My aunt used to think she was a psychic. She got predictions wrong all the time. Then she'd get the smallest random detail right, and she'd say, "You see?"

SHAWN:
So, what you're saying is that you doubt me? That hurts my feelings.

SALLY:
Well, you still haven't guessed what I want.

They kiss. SHAWN’S foot sets down partway off the bridge.

SHAWN:
Damn it!

SHAWN falls off the bridge and rolls down the slope to the creek bed. GUS comes running. Dazed, SHAWN looks up at the sky and has a clear view at a large tree branch. GUS and SALLY run up to him.

GUS:
Shawn? What happened?

SHAWN:
Gus. I know how Nelson Poe was killed.

EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

SHAWN, still in costume, knocks on the door. HENRY opens the door.

SHAWN:
Good morning, Father.

HENRY:
(looks him over) Good morning, Your Highness.

SHAWN:
I lost your pocket watch.

EXT. CREEK BED, DAY

SHAWN is using HENRY’S metal detector along the bed where he fell the night before. HENRY is sitting on a barrel watching.

HENRY:
The truth, Shawn, you're not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription "Don't lose." And what is the first thing that you do?

SHAWN:
I lose the watch.

HENRY:
You lose the watch!

SHAWN:
Well, here's a news flash, Dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay? It was four months ago.

HENRY:
Yeah, well, here's a newsflash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started ticking. Look, Shawn, I appreciate this newfound respect that you've got for time, but what the hell are you doing out here in the boonies with an antique gold pocket watch?

SHAWN:
I don't know, trying to clear an innocent man named George Cheslow?

The metal detector begins beeping rapidly. SHAWN kneels down, pulls a pencil from behind his ear, and begins to clear the straw on the ground. He picks up something and stands.

SHAWN:
(dejected) It's a button. (starts searching again)

HENRY:
(stands) All right, look, this case of yours, I... I've been thinking about it and...

SHAWN:
Really?

HENRY:
What? No, I haven't been "thinking." Look, killing your wife's lover is something that's rarely planned. It usually just happens. So even if this dentist Cheslow did plan it, he's not gonna be some numb nuts hanging around waiting for love letters that're gonna point the cops in his direction, right?

SHAWN:
Exactly. He's not gonna hang around like a numb nuts. So here's the deal. I think Nelson rolled into this creek and was shot from that tree right up there.

HENRY:
And you figured this out last night when you fell on your ass down here by yourself.

SHAWN:
Right on my ass. Now all I need to do is find the missing bullet.

HENRY:
And how and where do we find this missing bullet?

The metal detector beeps rapidly again. SHAWN repeats the process and looks up at HENRY.

SHAWN:
How about right here? (stabs the pencil into the ground and stands)

HENRY:
Shawn, what about the watch?

SHAWN:
(pulls watch from pocket) You mean this watch? Hey, I needed a metal detector. Target was out of stock. And you won't let anyone use yours, so... Hey, I found the bullet.

HENRY:
(mock cheers) Well, hey, you didn't find the killer, did you? You need to find the killer. (takes detector and heads for the bridge)

SHAWN:
Hell of an exit.

HENRY:
P.S., you look like an idiot.

>>>>LATER>>>>>

GUS is walking with LASSITER and JULIET to SHAWN who is standing in the creek bed.

LASSITER:
I am warning you, he'd better not be wasting my time.

GUS:
Honestly, Detective, I've never seen him so excited before.

SHAWN:
(as Lincoln) "Four score and seven years ago..."

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
(as Kennedy) "Ask not what your country can do for you..."

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
(as Kennedy) "...but what you can do for..." (normal) Gus? Is that you?

GUS:
Shawn!

LASSITER jumps down from the bridge and into the creek bed and makes his way towards SHAWN. JULIET and GUS follow.

SHAWN:
Yellow! All I see is yellow. Yellow and the number two.

LASSITER:
I'm already getting a bad feeling here.

SHAWN:
There's lead. No, graphite.

LASSITER:
Fine, I'll play. A pencil?

SHAWN:
Yes, a yellow pencil.

LASSITER:
You see a yellow pencil?

SHAWN:
Yes.

LASSITER:
Where?

SHAWN:
I'm not sure. Please, help me, Detective, please. A little to your left.

LASSITER walks to his left.

SHAWN:
Back to your right.

LASSITER goes to his right.

SHAWN:
Oh, you are getting warm, you are so warm! Oh, gosh! You're burning up! How can you stand that?

LASSITER looks down and sees the pencil sticking up from the ground between his feet. He picks it up.

LASSITER:
Great, you found a pencil. Now we can all take the SATs.

SHAWN:
There's more. The evidence, the critical evidence, it's there, just look closer. Look closer.

LASSITER scrapes away the straw using the pencil and sees the bullet. With a groan, SHAWN falls to his knees. LASSITER picks up the bullet using tweezers. JULIET opens an evidence bag and LASSITER drops the bullet inside.

SHAWN:
That's it. Gus. That's it. That's the bullet that killed Poe.

LASSITER:
And I bet when I run it through ballistics, it's gonna match George Cheslow's musket.

JULIET’S cellphone rings.

SHAWN:
No, you're wrong, it's not Cheslow.

JULIET:
O'Hara. Yeah. We're on our way. (ends call)(to LASSITER) It's a 439 in progress.

LASSITER:
Four thirty-nine?

JULIET:
Yeah.

LASSITER:
We gotta go.

JULIET and LASSITER walk to the bridge.

SHAWN:
(stutters) Wait, I was... I'm not finished! There's more!

LASSITER:
E-mail me! (helps JULIET)

SHAWN:
Juliet! I found the bullet! I...

JULIET shrugs and follows after LASSITER.

GUS:
Should we go?

SHAWN:
No. No. (stands) Let's run through this from the killer's point of view.

EXT. TREE, DAY

SHAWN is sitting on a branch in the tree he had spotted from the creek bed. GUS is standing on the ground looking up.

SHAWN:
Okay, Nelson was shot from up here. Let's do a list.

GUS:
Okay. One.

SHAWN:
The killer climbs the tree, like so.

GUS:
Right. Two?

SHAWN:
He gets ready to shoot from here. (uses his hands like a rifle)

GUS:
Three.

SHAWN:
Three. Nelson rolls down the creek, way past his mark.

GUS:
Four.

SHAWN:
Looks up, sees the bad guy.

GUS:
Okay, which means Nelson wasn't the original target!

SHAWN:
Bingo. He interrupted the plan.

GUS:
Okay, look up there and see if you see a notch. You know, that would steady a gun.

SHAWN:
A notch. (looks around)

GUS:
Yeah, like a notch.(makes sawing motion) It should lead us to the intended target.

SHAWN:
That's not a notch. That's a notch. (aims imaginary gun) The hospital tent. Dude, I think I got it.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Sally Reynolds.

GUS:
Sally Reynolds?

SHAWN:
Sally Reynolds.

GUS:
Why would someone want to kill Sally Reynolds?

SHAWN:
I have no idea.

EXT. PARK, PARKING AREA, DAY

MAN: (over speaker)
Folks, our Civil War re-enactment has begun.

SHAWN and GUS, in costume, hurry out of the Echo. SHAWN is carrying a garment bag. JULIET sees them and gets out of her car.

JULIET:
Hey, what's up, guys?

SHAWN:
You're going to get a call from a very irate Sally Reynolds saying two guys just drove by and stole her dress. Just ignore it, okay?

JULIET:
What the hell are you guys doing?

GUS:
Sally was the target. Shawn's gonna put on that dress and wait for someone to shoot him.

SHAWN:
Right, but the plan sounds a lot better when you don't say it like that. Listen, Detective, we have reason to believe that the intended target was Sally Reynolds. Now, we've stolen her dress and we're gonna catch the yellow-bellied son of a bitch red-handed. I forced the ending, that's horrible.

JULIET:
So, risking getting shot is the only way to solve the case?

SHAWN:
Absolutely.

JULIET:
Then we should stop the battle.

SHAWN:
No, we can't. It's too late. They're gonna start in less than a minute. Listen, Juliet, please let us go?

GUS is bouncing on his feet in anticipation.

JULIET:
I can't let you do that.

SHAWN and GUS groan in frustration.

JULIET:
You're a civilian. It's too dangerous.

SHAWN:
It's fine. We'll spot the guy well before he gets a shot off.

JULIET:
I'll do it. (takes garment bag)

SHAWN:
What?

JULIET:
I'll do it. (walks off)

SHAWN:
Juliet?

SHAWN and GUS follow her.

EXT. FIELD, DAY

LASSITER is leading the attack.

LASSITER:
Charge!

The re-enactment begins complete with cannon fire.

INT. HOSPITAL TENT, DAY

JULIET is bending over a table groaning as GUS and SHAWN try to zip the dress.

JULIET:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

SHAWN:
Careful, Gus!

GUS:
Sorry! Just take a deep breath.

JULIET:
Okay.

GUS:
I don't think these dresses were intended to fit over a bulletproof vest.

SHAWN:
Remember, we will be out there watching.

JULIET:
Got you.

GUS:
To catch the bad guy before you get shot.

JULIET:
I understand.

SHAWN:
But just in case, I want you to bob left, weave right. Traditional bob and weave, no reason to get fancy out there.

GUS:
And don't become an easy target.

JULIET:
I did go to the Academy.

GUS:
Or you could die.

JULIET:
Right.

SHAWN finishes zipping up the dress and moves JULIET’S braid so it hangs down her back.

GUS:
Now remember, the fifth cannon boom is your cue to shoot whoever's playing Quantrill.

JULIET moves towards the entrance.

SHAWN:
Right. Wait, how do you know that?

GUS:
I read the manual. Didn't you?

SHAWN:
I didn't open the manual, it was like War and Peace. There were 17 chapters.

As they argue, JULIET puts on a helmet.

GUS:
It's the manual, Shawn.

SHAWN:
It was this thick...

JULIET:
Hey. Hey.

GUS:
Sorry.

SHAWN:
Sorry, sorry, sorry. All about you right now. All right, you're a champion. Now go out there and catch us a killer.

JULIET ties a bonnet over the helmet.

SHAWN:
Juliet, please be careful.

GUS:
And don't die.

SHAWN:
How many times you gonna say die?

GUS:
Shawn, just get...

JULIET opens the tent flap and flinches at the cannon.

SHAWN:
You're putting the word "die" into her head. She knows there's a killer!

JULIET:
Guys?

SHAWN:
Yeah?

JULIET:
A favor.

SHAWN:
Sure! Name it. (gets cap from a peg)

JULIET:
Kick me.

SHAWN:
Do what?

JULIET:
Kick me!

SHAWN:
Okay!

EXT. HOSPITAL TENT, DAY

JULIET is kicked out of the tent. After checking that the dress is hiding the vest, she bends over and picks up the rifle before leaving. SHAWN and GUS sneak around from the other side.

GUS:
Now what?

SHAWN:
Now we get ready to find a killer.

The two share a fist bump.

EXT. FIELD, DAY

As the battle continues, JULIET takes up her position. SHAWN and GUS stand under the tree and wait for it to happen. The man playing Quantrill rides out on his horse.

SHAWN:
Here it comes. The moment of truth.

JULIET takes her place and shoots Quantrill as scripted. When nothing happens, she looks at GUS and SHAWN and shrugs. SHAWN shrugs in return.

GUS:
Where's our killer?

As JULIET leaves, SHAWN looks up in the tree.

SHAWN:
That's weird. Nobody came.

GUS:
Well, at least Juliet is out of danger now.

GUS nearly trips over something metallic.

SHAWN:
What?

They squat down and uncover a manhole cover.

SHAWN:
Well, I wonder where this leads.

With effort, the two move the lid.

ELSEWHERE…

SHAWN climbs out of the other side of the tunnel.

SHAWN:
Watch your head.

The first thing we see of GUS as he climbs out is his plume.

SHAWN:
Oh, did you get sewage on your feather?

GUS just glares at him. They realize they are on the Confederate side.

GUS:
We've crossed to the other side of the creek bed.

SHAWN:
Yeah, the police accounted for all of the Union soldiers. But nobody's considered that the murderer could have come from this side. After all, this was the bad side, right?

GUS:
You know that's right.

They enter the tent.

INT. TENT, DAY

The tent is acting as an armory. SHAWN finds a pair of boots.

SHAWN:
May I ask, who goes out on the battlefield without their boots?

GUS:
Maybe someone has bunions.

SHAWN:
Bunions, Gus? Really? That's what you're bringing to the table? I'm trying to solve a murder here. (puts the boots down and finds something else)

GUS:
I deal with bunions at work every day, Shawn. They hurt...They hurt people. That's a perfectly logical assumption.

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah? What about this? No tunic.

GUS:
(takes tunic) This is Mahoney's!

SHAWN spots a missing button and takes out the one he found on the creek bed. He holds it against the tunic.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
The brass button.

GUS:
(whispers) Mahoney did it.

They jump up and down in excitement.

GUS:
(whispers) That's why he had that sticky musket. He must've gotten sap on it from that notch in the tree.

SHAWN:
Wait. This doesn't track. Why kill Sally? She's hot, they're friends. She even wrote his insurance policy.

There’s a loud explosion.

GUS:
That was C-4!

SHAWN:
That didn't come from the battlefield, it came from the south.

They nearly solve the case simultaneously.

SHAWN:
I solved the crime.

GUS:
No, I did.

SHAWN:
I said it first.

GUS:
I identified the uniform.

SHAWN:
I found the button near the tree. I said it first. (taps GUS) Tap, tap, no take-backs.

GUS:
That's not fair, Shawn. I was identifying the C-4 sound.

SHAWN:
Dude, you snooze you lose, Gus. I don't have to tell you. That manhole we found connects to the sewer. It's going to lead us right to our killer. Let's go.

GUS:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're going in by ourselves?

SHAWN:
What, are you crazy?

INT. MAHONEY’S JEWELRY STORE, STOREROOM DAY

The door is off its hinges and smoke hangs in the room from the explosives. Inside the room, MAHONEY is putting his items in a sack. GUS and SHAWN arrive and stand in the doorway. GUS has his sword drawn.

GUS:
Where you going, Mahoney?

SHAWN:
Hey, Griff!

MAHONEY:
Hello, boys.

As GUS puts his sword away, MAHONEY pulls a gun.

MAHONEY:
Back off. Back off. Back off. This gun is loaded.

MAHONEY forces SHAWN and GUS into the outer room. Waiting for them are other re-enactors who aim their rifles at MAHONEY.

SHAWN:
Yes, but mine are so much bigger.

LASSITER pushes his way through.

LASSITER:
Get out of the way, I'm coming through. What the hell is going on down here?

SHAWN:
Colonel, arrest this traitor.

LASSITER:
(steps forward) I'll have that weapon, Captain.

LASSITER disarms MAHONEY. GUS and SHAWN fist bump.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK opens MAHONEY’S bag on the table.

VICK:
Okay, hold on, I'm gonna need you to walk me through this. Mahoney blew up his own vault?

GUS is hypnotizing SHAWN with the pocket watch. MAHONEY is sitting at the opposite end of the table, handcuffed. They are all still in costume.

MAHONEY:
That is an absolutely outrageous...

LASSITER:
Shut up!

SHAWN:
Not only did he blow it up, he used the battle as a cover to rob his own store. Then, he'd collect a multi-million dollar insurance policy in a couple of weeks, then slip back to the battle during the cannon fire with no one ever being the wiser. (comes out of “trance”) Oh, ye immoral man of low fiber! You should really eat more bran.

MAHONEY:
I want to see my lawyer.

LASSITER:
In due time.

VICK:
Wait, but I still don't understand. Why kill Nelson Poe?

SHAWN:
That is the rub, isn't it? Sally Reynolds was the intended target. The question is why?

JULIET and SALLY enter the room. SHAWN is holding his bugle outstretched in front of him.

SHAWN:
Hi, Juliet.

JULIET:
Got your message.

SALLY:
What the hell is going on?

SHAWN:
Oh, I can see it clearly now. Sally wrote Mahoney's multi-million dollar insurance policy. That means she... (looks at SALLY and lowers bugle) She was in on the fraud from the start.

SALLY:
That's a lie.

SHAWN:
(looks at MAHONEY) But Mahoney here didn't want to share those millions, so he gets an idea. What if sweet, sweet Sally with the filthy mouth and the bedroom eyes had a little accident out on the battlefield during the rehearsal?

SALLY:
You mean Griffin tried to kill me?

GUS:
That's right.

MAHONEY:
This is a lie. You are fabricating everything you're saying.

GUS:
Now you hold on a second, Mr. Mahoney.

SHAWN:
Oh, hey, Gus, you see, when Nelson rolled down the creek bed (we see what happened as SHAWN describes it) and landed too close to the river, he looked up and he saw Griffin in the tree with his trusty musket, who said, "Griffin, now you must kill Nelson Poe to keep his stinking mouth shut."

GUS:
Told you you had the wrong person, Lassiter.

LASSITER:
I know.

VICK:
Detective O'Hara...Lose the hoop skirt before you hurt someone. Read 'em their rights and book ' em.

JULIET takes SALLY out of the room and two officers take MAHONEY.

LASSITER:
Excuse me, gentlemen.

SHAWN:
Hey, it was good work, Detective. We got 'em.

LASSITER:
"We"?

SHAWN:
We're a team, right?

SHAWN and GUS salute LASSITER. He leaves the room.

1986

EXT. FIELD, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are in scout uniforms walking through a field. SHAWN is carrying a volleyball.

SHAWN:
Gus. When we grow up, think I'll ever be as cool as you?

GUS:
You're better at kickball.

SHAWN:
Not what I asked.

GUS:
We talking about your dad again?

SHAWN:
Mmm-hmm.

GUS:
Come on, dude. The guy respects you.

SHAWN:
Not like he does you.

GUS:
I'm not his son. I mean, he might like me okay, but he loves you.

SHAWN:
Did he say that?

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
Then how can you be sure?

GUS:
You mean he's never said it?

SHAWN:
Come on, Gus. We're guys.

SHAWN drops the ball and it rolls in front of a culvert. SHAWN picks up the ball and the boys look at each other.

BOTH:
Charge!

They run into the culvert.