From the Ashes, A Phoenix Rise: 1a/? Star Trek: K/S,
Title: From the Ashes, A Phoenix Rise
Fandom(s): Star Trek AOS
Characters: Kirk, Spock, Bones, Spock Prime. Enterprise crew ensemble as well, but not mains.
Pairing(s): K/S
Rating: NC-17 for language and potential triggers
Summary: Captain Kirk is only months into her command of the Enterprise after the destruction of Vulcan and is completely and utterly alone. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, but she can’t get Spock out of her head and she can’t stand seeing him with Uhura. No literally, she can’t stand it, she gets physically ill at the sight of them together and she doesn’t know why. She can’t tell Bones because he’d think she was crazy, and the only person she could talk to has been extremely busy. Spock was supposed to be her friend, supposedly, so why does it feel like she is literally dying without his companionship? It could be the Enterprise’s new mission to New Vulcan holds all the answers.
Genre: Angst, slow burn, hut/comfort
Warnings: Potential triggers in future chapters.
Wordcount: ch1~6800, this entry: ~3400
A/N: I don’t own any Star Trek stuff. Only my ideas. Thanks for the borrowing, guys!
CHAPTER ONE//
There weren’t enough of Bones’ hyposprays in the world to cure the searing pain of heartache that Jaide Tahira Kirk felt every time she saw her first officer Spock and chief communications officer Uhura sitting intimately together at the mess hall during meal times. Or, well, any time really. Just the sight of them together made her feel sick to her stomach. Today, Alpha shift lunch, was no different.
It didn’t help that she didn’t understand where this… jealousy came from. Because, well, she remembered when she didn’t feel jealous. When she’d seen them sneak hidden, longing, and desperate looks at one another before Spock marooned her on Delta Vega. She hadn’t felt anything but compassion for Spock then. Pity, hurt, and hope. Hope that at least he had someone to help shoulder the burden of great loss, as the Vulcans called it now, of his entire home planet. Of roughly six billion Vulcans. Of his mother. Especially the loss of his mother.
Because, while Jaide couldn’t really understand what it felt like to experience the loss of her home planet and most of its inhabitants, nor what the telepathic trauma felt like afterwards, she did understand loss.
It wasn’t fun.
So why did she feel like she had lost Spock when she had never had him to begin with? She didn’t understand it. Ever since she’d come back to the Enterprise from Delta Vega and seen Uhura kiss Spock on that transporter pad before beaming over to Nero’s ship that fateful day she had felt it. This loss. This huge emptiness that screamed inside her to fill the void. And boy had she tried to fill that void.
She thought that being given command of the Enterprise would help fill that void at first. She was happy. Ecstatic, even. The one thing she had dreamed about had happened. She was a captain, and of Starfleet’s flagship to boot.
It didn’t fill it.
Because Spock had almost not come back. It was a near thing too. But when he did come back on, right as they were about to head out on their very first mission as the official crew of the Enterprise under her command, he had gone straight to Uhura. Well, maybe not literally, but she had seen it. The first meal they had shared together was lunch that very first day.
And something inside her felt like it was dying.
Jaide didn’t understand why she felt this way. She didn’t understand the appeal. Okay, she did. She really did. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the appeal. Spock’s appeal.
But there was still that horrible emptiness that she had within her. Screaming at her to be filled. And she tried to fill it. She tried to fill it the first time they had touched down on New Vulcan sporting supplies for the colony there.
Volunteers from all over the federation had come to help with the rebuilding of the colony and Jaide had found more than one person willing to help her fill the empty void inside of her. But she never quite made it far enough with any of them. She actually felt somewhat bad for them. Especially John.
John was an accomplished scientist who Jaide had met during the first joint meeting she’d been required to attend. He was handsome, blond hair, dark blue eyes, and brilliant. And she’d really enjoyed his company. They’d hit it off right away. He’d asked her out to lunch and seemed to genuinely enjoy her company.
They’d been docked for about three weeks at the colony and she’d had a lunch date with him every chance she could. Dinner sometimes too. But when he’d asked her to come back to his tent, she’d declined. She knew he’d wanted to move their ‘friendship’ further along, and part of her did too, but there was a nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her it just wasn’t right. So she’d declined.
Five days later Enterprise left New Vulcan back to Earth to gather more supplies. She’d spent those five days alone. When they’d returned to New Vulcan to drop of said supplies, she’d avoided him like a disease. He’d sent her a couple of comms since then, asking if he’d done anything wrong. Telling her how much he’d enjoyed her company and that she was unlike any woman he’d met yet. She’d wrote him back once. It was a simple reply, a rejection of sorts. Telling him she just wasn’t ready for that type of commitment yet, or relationship yet.
The truth couldn’t be further away. She was ready. She wanted it badly. Just not with him. Or anyone else but the one person she really couldn’t have.
She knew from the beginning that any void filling couldn’t be attempted with any member of her crew, because, well, that would just be bad news. So, here they were, months later, going back to New Vulcan for the third time since the colony was established, and Jaide was depressed.
“Hey, kid, you feeling alright?” Bones asked, jarring Jaide out of her miserable memory and taking a seat next to her in the mess hall.
“Yeah, just tired. Couldn’t sleep last night.” She shrugged, faking a smile and forcing herself to look away from her first officer and his girlfriend.
Bones shot her a hard look, letting her know he wasn’t buying it for a second. “Yeah, and this wouldn’t happen to be another one of your crazy weird dreams you won’t tell me the contents of, would it?”
Jaide flashed the fakest, widest smile she could muster. “No.” She lied. If the daily sight of her jealousy wasn’t bad enough, she’d been dreaming really weird and crazy dreams that just added to her current state of depression and emptiness. “I really am just tired, promise. This is the third run to New Vulcan in six months, and well, I’m not really looking forward to going back there and having to possibly deal with John again. We’re going to be there for more than a month this time, helping with the rebuilding efforts, and I didn’t exactly leave on good terms last time.” She explained, hoping to distract Bones from the truth of her despair. While a true apprehension, John was definitely not something she was worried about.
“Right. Because facing the guy who is basically perfect in every way except the fact that he’s not able to join you on the Enterprise is what’s really got you down. Jaide, I know you better than that. I know you didn’t really love him. What happened? You used to trust me. Me. Your best friend. You do remember that, right?”
Jaide winced. She really had been somewhat horrible to Bones lately. She’d basically isolated herself from everyone, trying not to bring them down. Not wanting to talk about her latest secret. She would’ve told Bones, if she could. Even Bones would think she’d lost it if she told him what was really eating away at her. He’d declare her unfit for command, emotionally compromised, and then there would go the only thing that’s been keeping her going, her captaincy.
“No. I didn’t love him. But I did like him. And I feel bad. He obviously felt more for me than I did for him and I was kind of a bitch letting him down the way I did. So yeah, excuse me if I don’t want to deal with that on top of a bunch of Vulcans who refuse to acknowledge the pain they are in. Because it would be admitting they had emotions. Which they do!” Jaide retorted, harsher than she meant to. She really hadn’t slept much last night, and her fuse had been growing shorter and shorter over the past few months. She’d been growing increasingly irritable when she wasn’t downright miserable.
Jaide played with her lunch some more, moving the fork around in her bowl of pasta before she decided to give up on eating entirely. She’d only taken a few bites of her meal before she’d lost her appetite. When Spock and Uhura had entered the mess hall together. She got up abruptly and started towards the trash recycler.
Bones followed.
“I hope you ate something else before that pasta.” He said.
“Nope. Not really hungry today, Bones. Besides, there’s going to be a dinner tonight for the senior officers when we get to New Vulcan. Dress uniforms. Which includes you, by the way.”
“God, Jaide, you need to eat. You’ve lost like twenty pounds in the past six months, and you couldn’t really stand to lose that in the first place. You’re nothing but skin and bones. Your uniforms don’t even fit right anymore. They’re practically hanging off of you!” Bones grabbed her arm before she could throw her mostly uneaten pasta away. “I want to see you in sickbay before we reach New Vulcan. You need another nutrient series, especially if you’re going to be sweating off all the calories you haven’t even bothered to take in once we get there.”
Jaide almost protested, but she could see how serious Bones was. It would just be easier to accept the shots then argue with him. He’d end up giving them to her anyway.
“Okay.” She said, throwing her pasta away.
“God! See? This is how I know something is seriously wrong! You’re not even bothering to pretend to fight me on this! You are going to tell me what’s going on, or so help me!”
“What? Are you going to declare me emotionally compromised? Give Spock command? Take me out of the captain’s chair, Bones?” Jaide practically yelled. Somehow she realized that she’d spoken much louder than she intended, the mess hall went eerily quiet.
“Sickbay. Now.” Bones demanded, grabbing her arm fully and started to drag her off, out of the mess hall.
As soon as they were outside of the mess hall doors, which were conveniently located right next to the recycler, Jaide flung her arm free.
“Doctor McCoy!”
“Captain Kirk!”
“What the hell are you doing?” She insisted.
“What the hell are you doing, captain?” Bones seethed back at her. “You’re wasting away and you won’t let anyone help you. You won’t even tell anyone what the hell is wrong. God, it’s like you really do have a death wish!”
“I do not. And I am hardly wasting away. I’m in the best shape of my life, thank you very much!” Jaide retorted loudly, not caring that the entirety of the mess hall could probably still hear her.
“Bullshit, Jaide. You won’t eat. You won’t talk to anyone. Your fucking paperwork is even in on time. Which is just fucking weird. Even Spock has said something to me about the way you’ve been acting. The god dammed emotionless hobgoblin has noticed that something is off with you! So, sickbay, now!”
Jaide froze. Spock had noticed that something was wrong with her? What?
“What?” Jaide whispered.
“Yeah, you heard me right. Even your emotionless, robot Vulcan of a first officer has noticed that you aren’t acting normally. In fact, you haven’t been since we left space dock, honestly. At first I thought it was just the same thing we all were dealing with. The grief of all the loss. But it’s not, is it? It’s something else. Everyone else is healing normally, while you stand here getting worse, wasting away.”
Jaide was still frozen in shock. She didn’t even know how to respond. Had she really been that obvious? Did her entire crew see what was going on just beneath the surface of her daily façade?
“So you will get your ass down to sick bay, captain or not, and submit yourself for a fucking exam or so help me I will do something about it. Regardless how much I don’t want to.”
Jaide looked at Bones, eyes wide in shock and fear.
“God, Jaide.” Bones’ voice softened. “I don’t know what to do to help you. No one does. And I’m freaking out here.” He sighed, then took a deep breath in. “I think you should see a healer while we’re at the colony. God knows they have their work cut out for them, and I don’t understand what they do, but you’re getting worse, and I don’t know how to fix it. Jaide. Please.”
Jaide just continued to look at him. Bones sounded like he was breaking almost as much as she felt like she was breaking.
“Everyone’s noticed?” She asked, still whispering.
“Yes. How bad does it have to be before you listen? Even that emotionless Vulcan has noticed. How bad is that? That he notices?”
Without thinking a reply shot out of her mouth before she could stop it. “He’s not emotionless.”
“Bullshit. God knows what Uhura ever saw in him, but shit Jaide. This isn’t just about you anymore. You’ve got the whole crew on the edge with whatever is going on with you. You haven’t smiled in weeks. You don’t even bother to try most of the time anymore. And even before that, you were just pretending. I think you should see a healer, hell, maybe those cold-blooded computers can find out what’s wrong! I sure as hell can’t.”
Jaide finally hears him. Finally hears what he’s been saying. Bones must think it’s really bad to let her see a Vulcan healer, and admit that he can’t figure something out.
“No!”
“No, what? It’s either that, tell me what’s going on so I can HELP you, or I declare you unfit. You choose.”
Jaide looks at him, but thinks about it. She could tell Bones, and deal with the backlash from that. Him calling her crazy, telling her that she shouldn’t even be thinking about Spock that way, that she’s imagining things, and he’d probably declare her unfit anyway just because of what she’d admit to him. Which would result in the last option. Or she could see a healer. Who, really, won’t tell anyone about anything, because it wouldn’t be logical to discuss private patient information.
“Fine. I’ll see a damned healer. Now, can I get back to shift?”
Bones looks at her, mouth agape, in shock. “Fine. Get back to shift. You’re still coming to get the nutrient series before transporting down to the colony. God knows what anyone would do if you passed out from malnutrition.” And with that he turned around and walked off, leaving Jaide the way she was feeling. Alone. Completely alone.
Two hours later on the bridge Jaide is going over last minute reports and supply transfer orders. She is decidedly not thinking about how she basically told Bones he was worthless as her chief medical officer by not allowing him to help her. How he wasn’t a good enough friend to assist her through whatever it was that she was going through. And she felt bad. It was almost time for her to go to sickbay, and she was dreading it. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to him, well sort of, it was that she knew he wouldn’t understand. Hell, she didn’t understand.
“Captain, there’s a hail for you from New Vulcan.” Lt. Uhura interrupts her internal strife.
“From who, lt.?” She turns around and asks.
“An Ambassador Selek.” Uhura responds.
“Send it to my ready room. Mr. Spock, you have the con.” Jaide doesn’t even spare a look in his direction before getting up to walk to the turbo lift. But she doesn’t have a choice but to see him staring after her right before the turbo lift doors close. She hopes he can’t see the look of pure agony in her eyes before the doors hiss shut.
“Ambassador Selek, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Jaide asks, half-smiling. She hadn’t talked to her old friend in months, mainly because she’d been busy and he’d also been busy. She missed him, truthfully, but also had some important questions, now that she’d been dealing with whatever she was dealing with for a while now.
“Jaide, t’hy’la, I am alone. How are you?” His soft brown eyes speak deep concern for her even while his face is an impeccable Vulcan mask of control, save for the slight turn of his mouth indicating a smile.
“Oh, good. And, I’m fine. I see you’ve found time in your busy schedule finally to comm me, old friend.” Truthfully, she’d wanted to talk to him for ages, but couldn’t bring herself to do more than reply to his messages sent via subspace. She hadn’t actually seen him since Delta Vega, unless she could count the few times in passing at the Vulcan High Council building during the first she’d been to the colony. The second time he hadn’t even been at the colony, off doing some diplomatic stuff. She didn’t blame him, there was much to attend to when trying to rebuild an entire society from the ashes of a horrible tragedy.
“Fine has varying definitions. My schedule has indeed been quite busy. However, I will always make time for you ashayam.” Jaide doesn’t understand the Vulcan words he’s endearing her with, but thinks they must be some form of friend in Vulcan. “I was notified that you will be in orbit over the colony for quite some time, and would like to extend the hospitality of my home to you, if you so desire.”
Jaide smiled then, actually smiled, the first true smile she’d had in months. “Of course! I’d love to stay with you! I’ve missed you.” The painful emptiness inside seems to lessen a degree at his offer. At least one Spock in this universe wanted something to do with her, although she still refused to think of him as Spock. She couldn’t. It was a dangerous prospect if she did.
“I too have grown weary of your absence. When will you arrive?”
“We should be in orbit in about two hours. Ah crap. Which reminds me, Bones wants me in sickbay to give me some shots. Crap!”
“Nutrient series? What is the cause for the need?” He asked, but Jaide could tell that he wasn’t surprised by this news.
“Oh, um, it’s nothing. I’m just a bit under the weather. No big deal. Really.”
“You have lost weight.” Selek finally states. It wasn’t a question, an observation. And then it clicks. “I will, of course, be available to you after the dinner tonight, if you so wish.”
“Of course.” She replies. “Which is good, because I have questions anyway, and I’d rather ask them in person than over a communications channel.” She says this because she knows Uhura has the ability to monitor all communications ship-wide, and she just doesn’t want to take the chance.
“I assume this has something to do with why Doctor McCoy sought my assistance, specifically in obtaining an appointment with a Vulcan healer?” Selek asked.
“Yeah, it does. But, I just agreed to that today. He really asked you for help?” Jaide asked, wondering when Bones had decided it was dire enough for him to contact to older, not organic to this universe/timeline, Spock.
“Indeed he did. It was I who suggested to him that you meet with a healer after he described your symptoms, as I suspect will most assuredly assist you in recovery. He simply needed assistance in scheduling an appointment for you. I will send a comm link with the coordinates for your belongings to be transported to. I am afraid I must go now, as you must as well. I will see you tonight ashayam.” Jaide refused to think about how much Bones must be worrying about her to talk to him. Not right now, anyway.
“Tonight, then, old friend.” Jaide smiles, raising her hand in the ta’al she’d grown accustomed to using, forcing herself to forget about Bones and Vulcan healers and such.
Spock offers the ta’al as well, but did not say the customary phrase. “I await your company.”
And the screen goes black.
“Bridge to captain.” Uhura’s voice sounds in her ready room almost immediately as the comm link goes blank.
“Kirk here.” Jaide presses the inter-ship comm panel on her desk.
“Doctor McCoy has been requesting your presence in sick bay since you left the bridge, captain.”
Jaide groans aloud before replying. Of course he had. “Alright. Tell him I’ll be down there right away. Kirk out.”