Lonely Flight
So I'm thinking of swearing off girls for a while and just admitting my solitude, because the girls that I want are the ones I can't have, and the ones that want me are the ones I don't really want.
Why do I have to be so awkward around the girls I like? If only I could be normal and not focus on the fact that the girl I like is sitting right in front of me - if I could just do that, I would be fine. Hell, if I could forget that I like any girls at all, I think I'd be better off. Then I wouldn't get into thinking spouts like this where my loneliness sucks the joy out of life.
Kinda sucks, too. My mom got me a dating book to help me know if a relationship would work within the first three dates. The only problem with this book is that it assumes some form of prior dating experience, of which I have none. In the very first chapter, the guy starts talking about stuff that I have no clue about - things that would annoy you in a relationship, tendencies that could become huge issues down the road, things that you know about yourself and relationships. All of these things that you learn from experience are things that I know nothing of.
I'm not going to analyze the problem, because I've done it before. I know why I fail time and again to act upon relationship opportunities. I'm indecisive, and I'm afraid of being hurt. This most likely stems from the incident with India. I've since forgiven her time and again, though the pathological scar is undeniable. I'm afraid of getting close to anyone because I'm afraid of being reckless with this thing called my heart. I don't want it being hurt any more, because the scar on it is still very plainly visible for anyone who digs enough to get close enough to look. Subconsciously, I don't want to relive anything remotely close to that experience. This makes me afraid to open up to anyone at all, and from this fear comes indecision and an inability to commit to anyone or anything.
I'm afraid of appearing desperate. I'm afraid of giving off the wrong message to everyone, even though I don't know what the right message is. Steve's philosophy, which I'd like to share, is to love everyone as best as you can. It's hard to love people when you're afraid of being hurt, especially when no one knows you that well, and you don't know if you can trust them not to hurt you.
So, it's incredibly hard for me to even pursue friendships in this condition, let alone a relationship where my heart is given entirely to the other person in question.
Weezer described my situation perfectly:
What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? In a perfect situation, why do I let love down the drain? Here's the pitch, slow and straight; all I have to do is swing and I'm a hero. But now I'm a zero. Hungry nights, once again; now it's getting unbelievable 'cause I could not have it better, but I just can't get no play from the girls all around. As they search the night for someone to hold onto, they just pass through.
Tell me there's a logic out there leading me to better prepare for the day that something really special might come. Tell me there's a hope for me. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my days on the earth.
Even so, my soul will bless the Lord. Make it well, Lord, and don't let me hurt again. I ache for someone to hold in the night, but am too hurt to hold on. Carry me on Your wings everlasting, and let me rest in your care. You are my love, and you have my heart in your hands. In the end, that's all that matters, because you know it far better than I do, and know just what to do to make it well. In your care, my wings mend and I take flight.
Why do I have to be so awkward around the girls I like? If only I could be normal and not focus on the fact that the girl I like is sitting right in front of me - if I could just do that, I would be fine. Hell, if I could forget that I like any girls at all, I think I'd be better off. Then I wouldn't get into thinking spouts like this where my loneliness sucks the joy out of life.
Kinda sucks, too. My mom got me a dating book to help me know if a relationship would work within the first three dates. The only problem with this book is that it assumes some form of prior dating experience, of which I have none. In the very first chapter, the guy starts talking about stuff that I have no clue about - things that would annoy you in a relationship, tendencies that could become huge issues down the road, things that you know about yourself and relationships. All of these things that you learn from experience are things that I know nothing of.
I'm not going to analyze the problem, because I've done it before. I know why I fail time and again to act upon relationship opportunities. I'm indecisive, and I'm afraid of being hurt. This most likely stems from the incident with India. I've since forgiven her time and again, though the pathological scar is undeniable. I'm afraid of getting close to anyone because I'm afraid of being reckless with this thing called my heart. I don't want it being hurt any more, because the scar on it is still very plainly visible for anyone who digs enough to get close enough to look. Subconsciously, I don't want to relive anything remotely close to that experience. This makes me afraid to open up to anyone at all, and from this fear comes indecision and an inability to commit to anyone or anything.
I'm afraid of appearing desperate. I'm afraid of giving off the wrong message to everyone, even though I don't know what the right message is. Steve's philosophy, which I'd like to share, is to love everyone as best as you can. It's hard to love people when you're afraid of being hurt, especially when no one knows you that well, and you don't know if you can trust them not to hurt you.
So, it's incredibly hard for me to even pursue friendships in this condition, let alone a relationship where my heart is given entirely to the other person in question.
Weezer described my situation perfectly:
What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? In a perfect situation, why do I let love down the drain? Here's the pitch, slow and straight; all I have to do is swing and I'm a hero. But now I'm a zero. Hungry nights, once again; now it's getting unbelievable 'cause I could not have it better, but I just can't get no play from the girls all around. As they search the night for someone to hold onto, they just pass through.
Tell me there's a logic out there leading me to better prepare for the day that something really special might come. Tell me there's a hope for me. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my days on the earth.
Even so, my soul will bless the Lord. Make it well, Lord, and don't let me hurt again. I ache for someone to hold in the night, but am too hurt to hold on. Carry me on Your wings everlasting, and let me rest in your care. You are my love, and you have my heart in your hands. In the end, that's all that matters, because you know it far better than I do, and know just what to do to make it well. In your care, my wings mend and I take flight.