did you know it never goes away?
It doesn't matter what i do. Who i talk to. Did you know, that it just finds it's way to the surface. That the "ok" on a day to day basis, is just a constant fill for the hole left gaping. I've not known a love so unconditional that my stubborn self would not let go of. I want to let go...i legitimately have tried, and will keep trying. The truth is...tonight as I lay here, with more grief in my heart, more tears than i can carry, and a nose i can't breathe out of...I still...love her. With every pain in my heart, with every tear in my eye...i'm glad she's happy. I am miserable, even when i'm happy and I forget that I love her...it is still hiding under the surface. "And so it is...just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me most of the time"
To you: i'm sure you'll never read this...but i have to. You still have my heart. I still love you, I never write to you when i want to. I remember the coldness, and remember that your heart does not feel this, does not return this...and that my words are meaningless to anyone but me... I fight this battle with my head and my heart that does not vanish. The sting cd...the song that reminds you of me, funny that it says "send your love into the future". My heart was mine. I will not give it away. Mostly, because I don't have it, I don't have control of it. If you wanted to make me fall in love with you this deeply, it worked. I did. I didn't know i did...however i have. For that alone, be happy...no matter what you believe...you deserve happy. The scars will not go away, and i hate my heart for being so forgiving.
Tomorrow i may wake up, and not feel instantly this pain i do now, i will fill the hole back up with work, friends, and life. It may be weeks, months, maybe longer, before i get back to here. When i do, i hope there is still something left of this heart absent from me.
To you: i'm sure you'll never read this...but i have to. You still have my heart. I still love you, I never write to you when i want to. I remember the coldness, and remember that your heart does not feel this, does not return this...and that my words are meaningless to anyone but me... I fight this battle with my head and my heart that does not vanish. The sting cd...the song that reminds you of me, funny that it says "send your love into the future". My heart was mine. I will not give it away. Mostly, because I don't have it, I don't have control of it. If you wanted to make me fall in love with you this deeply, it worked. I did. I didn't know i did...however i have. For that alone, be happy...no matter what you believe...you deserve happy. The scars will not go away, and i hate my heart for being so forgiving.
Tomorrow i may wake up, and not feel instantly this pain i do now, i will fill the hole back up with work, friends, and life. It may be weeks, months, maybe longer, before i get back to here. When i do, i hope there is still something left of this heart absent from me.