Joshua Pantalleresco 2009 - Part 2
That kind of was a downer the last entry right? Well, this one is better. But before I go on I should also take the time to thank everyone who helped me out in my hard times. Especially Barbara Hockabout, The Baer Family, The Mills Family, The Peterson Family, Chrystal Dyer, Ace Masters, Cory McConnachie, Eric Moreno, and my family. There were others, but all in all it wouldn't have been possible without each of you to make it through.
I ended up in Calgary in July. In some ways I was leery. I had left Calgary behind with no real intention of coming back, and here I was three years later. The first little while involved some tough pills to swallow. The first being getting a job two days in town, and losing it just eight days later. The second, being unable to get a job at even a Tim Hortons, due to my inexperience, even though I had worked there for over a year combined in the past. That to me was hysterical. Eventually I persevered and right now am working at two different jobs. My sleep patterns are messed up sometimes, but I can't complain about what I'm doing or making. I have my own place, and am finally coming out of the water in terms of my financial abyss. I still got debts to pay, but as 2010 progresses I will slowly work my way out of debt.
I've said this in the past, my sister has been the nicest thing about coming back. I never really had a chance to have this as a kid, and while I do know it won't last forever, I'm enjoying this time right now.
Also, funny enough, things come back to you. Things I thought long gone years ago are now with me again in terms of the things I've given up. It's funny how reciprocity works. Sometimes you lose things, and others you gain. Terry Pratchett, Charles Stross and Robert Sawyer were things I gave up long ago, and now they are back in spades.
Outside of that, Two other events of interest - I was born again in October. That in itself was interesting how that all turned about. I've wanted to be baptised for a long time, but either couldn't find a church I was comfortable with, or find a church willing to baptise me. I walked into a church one night and got baptised right there. I remember the water being cold, but I also remember the peace I acquired coming out of it. It allowed me to look at things differently. Many things.
It turns out I still have lessons to learn on forgiveness and letting go. Whether we intend to or not, we sometimes hurt those we care about, or are hurt by those that do care about us. Sometimes it's a lack of trust, a fear of hurting that causes all this. Sometimes it's our own failures. In the end though, that really doesn't matter. What matters is what pains you endure do not define you.
I called my grandmother on my mom's side and we had a long talk. I don't know if I'll ever completely trust that side of the family, but regardless of that, where we stand is somewhere I'm comfortable with for the first time in a long time. We'll see where it goes. But I'm better keeping that monster out of me.
I'm better for walking away from a debt owed to me as well. I despised what it reminded me of. I rather remember other things from that time.
Now I stare at my phone and consider the third thing I must do. My mom stopped contacting me about six months ago. I found out why last week and I've been sitting here wondering what to do, how to feel. As soon as the last word is written I'm going to make that phone call.
Funny, the book I read this year that touched me the most was The Shack by William Young. The chapters on pain and sadness and the things he confronted mirrored my family and myself. I couldn't help but weep. I don't think I've ever read a book that's had that effect on me.
That is my year.
So what's in store for 2010?
Right now, I'm working hard to see a certain comic finally coming out.
I got an agent to hunt down.
An interview I'm constructing bit by bit that may be the best I've ever done.
A Column to Reignite.
I got a lot to be thankful for. It's not perfect - it'll never be perfect. But I can look at the world and try to be better bit by bit. I want to thank everyone who's read this, and everyone who's helped me, advise me over the years. My friends and family, I thank you all and love you from the bottom of my heart.
May your year be successful and filled with joy.
JP
I ended up in Calgary in July. In some ways I was leery. I had left Calgary behind with no real intention of coming back, and here I was three years later. The first little while involved some tough pills to swallow. The first being getting a job two days in town, and losing it just eight days later. The second, being unable to get a job at even a Tim Hortons, due to my inexperience, even though I had worked there for over a year combined in the past. That to me was hysterical. Eventually I persevered and right now am working at two different jobs. My sleep patterns are messed up sometimes, but I can't complain about what I'm doing or making. I have my own place, and am finally coming out of the water in terms of my financial abyss. I still got debts to pay, but as 2010 progresses I will slowly work my way out of debt.
I've said this in the past, my sister has been the nicest thing about coming back. I never really had a chance to have this as a kid, and while I do know it won't last forever, I'm enjoying this time right now.
Also, funny enough, things come back to you. Things I thought long gone years ago are now with me again in terms of the things I've given up. It's funny how reciprocity works. Sometimes you lose things, and others you gain. Terry Pratchett, Charles Stross and Robert Sawyer were things I gave up long ago, and now they are back in spades.
Outside of that, Two other events of interest - I was born again in October. That in itself was interesting how that all turned about. I've wanted to be baptised for a long time, but either couldn't find a church I was comfortable with, or find a church willing to baptise me. I walked into a church one night and got baptised right there. I remember the water being cold, but I also remember the peace I acquired coming out of it. It allowed me to look at things differently. Many things.
It turns out I still have lessons to learn on forgiveness and letting go. Whether we intend to or not, we sometimes hurt those we care about, or are hurt by those that do care about us. Sometimes it's a lack of trust, a fear of hurting that causes all this. Sometimes it's our own failures. In the end though, that really doesn't matter. What matters is what pains you endure do not define you.
I called my grandmother on my mom's side and we had a long talk. I don't know if I'll ever completely trust that side of the family, but regardless of that, where we stand is somewhere I'm comfortable with for the first time in a long time. We'll see where it goes. But I'm better keeping that monster out of me.
I'm better for walking away from a debt owed to me as well. I despised what it reminded me of. I rather remember other things from that time.
Now I stare at my phone and consider the third thing I must do. My mom stopped contacting me about six months ago. I found out why last week and I've been sitting here wondering what to do, how to feel. As soon as the last word is written I'm going to make that phone call.
Funny, the book I read this year that touched me the most was The Shack by William Young. The chapters on pain and sadness and the things he confronted mirrored my family and myself. I couldn't help but weep. I don't think I've ever read a book that's had that effect on me.
That is my year.
So what's in store for 2010?
Right now, I'm working hard to see a certain comic finally coming out.
I got an agent to hunt down.
An interview I'm constructing bit by bit that may be the best I've ever done.
A Column to Reignite.
I got a lot to be thankful for. It's not perfect - it'll never be perfect. But I can look at the world and try to be better bit by bit. I want to thank everyone who's read this, and everyone who's helped me, advise me over the years. My friends and family, I thank you all and love you from the bottom of my heart.
May your year be successful and filled with joy.
JP