This is real
Caution: this is going to be a long entry, i wrote all this stuff during class today while i was not paying attention, but decided to post it because that's what i feel like doing. It is not a complaint about anything, it is just some thoughts. I know i don't really talk to most of you guys about anything real, about my feelings and my life. This is not really addressed to anyone, but it is merely a collection of my thoughts from this morning. This is who i am. I say we are friends, but i shut myself off from everyone around me. Well here it is. Here I am. Here we go...
You want to know me? This is real. This is me. This is my heart. Is it true? Do i "destroy" people? Somehow I just can't believe he said that, and then again it's not really all that hard to believe. I know i hurt him, but it wasn't intentional. Does he think i hurt people on purpose? Does he think that makes me happy? Doesn't he know me better than that? I thought so, but I think he still harbors bitter feelings toward me. He said it's not the same, but it is. He says we are different, I guess he views me as someone w/ no regard for other people's feelings. but that's not who I am, at least, I don't try to be...I certainly don't mean to. It really caught me off guard..."I don't think we're really the same, I don't destroy people" it was hard not to start crying right there, in the hall, with all those people around. He knows how to say just the right things to hit me deep. Idon't think he meant to upset me so much, but he did. Maybe i'm just hypersensitive, but that is such a touchy subject w/ me, and he knows that. Why does it hurt my feelings so much? I don't try to "destroy" people. He says it's not the same. He says he didn't do anything. He just sits there. He's just being a friend. It IS the same thing. What does he think i do? Does he think I plan to hurt people? I just sit there, I just try to be a friend. To me, that's all it is. So why when he does it is it different than me? Why is he subject to different rules than I am?
Will i ever be different? Will it ever change? Is it possible for me to find someone and have a real relationship w/ mutual feelings and no comittment issues? I don't know.
On another note...last night shook me hard, but I bounced back quickly. Mikey and Vanessa broke up, but I don't know why, or what happened b/c they both seem to still really like each other. But just knowing they aren't together screwed up my mind so badly. Why do i always think things have changed so much, when really they haven't? I tell myself I don't like him anymore, there's no reason I should, and yet anytime anything happens regarding him, it kills me. A simple picture comment, a phone call on my birthday, and suddenly, i'm a mess. He's not even Mikey anymore, at least not the same Mikey I cared so deeply for. He does things I don't do. Hangs out with people I don't know and is living in a completely different world than I am, but somehow it doesn't matter. All it takes is one small thing to completely change what i thought i knew...how do 3-4 years fade away? it's been so long since we've even been anything and yet it doens't matter. I'm in love with an idea. An idea that never worked and could never happen. I don't want to be, but all the same, I am. I don't know what i want. It's not about want anyway. I need to be happy with what I have and trust that God knows my heart and is in control of my life. I don't want a relationship, but at the same time, I do. I want to fall in love, to feel, just feel something real about someone else. I want to feel. You want to know me? This is real. This is me. This is my heart.
You want to know me? This is real. This is me. This is my heart. Is it true? Do i "destroy" people? Somehow I just can't believe he said that, and then again it's not really all that hard to believe. I know i hurt him, but it wasn't intentional. Does he think i hurt people on purpose? Does he think that makes me happy? Doesn't he know me better than that? I thought so, but I think he still harbors bitter feelings toward me. He said it's not the same, but it is. He says we are different, I guess he views me as someone w/ no regard for other people's feelings. but that's not who I am, at least, I don't try to be...I certainly don't mean to. It really caught me off guard..."I don't think we're really the same, I don't destroy people" it was hard not to start crying right there, in the hall, with all those people around. He knows how to say just the right things to hit me deep. Idon't think he meant to upset me so much, but he did. Maybe i'm just hypersensitive, but that is such a touchy subject w/ me, and he knows that. Why does it hurt my feelings so much? I don't try to "destroy" people. He says it's not the same. He says he didn't do anything. He just sits there. He's just being a friend. It IS the same thing. What does he think i do? Does he think I plan to hurt people? I just sit there, I just try to be a friend. To me, that's all it is. So why when he does it is it different than me? Why is he subject to different rules than I am?
Will i ever be different? Will it ever change? Is it possible for me to find someone and have a real relationship w/ mutual feelings and no comittment issues? I don't know.
On another note...last night shook me hard, but I bounced back quickly. Mikey and Vanessa broke up, but I don't know why, or what happened b/c they both seem to still really like each other. But just knowing they aren't together screwed up my mind so badly. Why do i always think things have changed so much, when really they haven't? I tell myself I don't like him anymore, there's no reason I should, and yet anytime anything happens regarding him, it kills me. A simple picture comment, a phone call on my birthday, and suddenly, i'm a mess. He's not even Mikey anymore, at least not the same Mikey I cared so deeply for. He does things I don't do. Hangs out with people I don't know and is living in a completely different world than I am, but somehow it doesn't matter. All it takes is one small thing to completely change what i thought i knew...how do 3-4 years fade away? it's been so long since we've even been anything and yet it doens't matter. I'm in love with an idea. An idea that never worked and could never happen. I don't want to be, but all the same, I am. I don't know what i want. It's not about want anyway. I need to be happy with what I have and trust that God knows my heart and is in control of my life. I don't want a relationship, but at the same time, I do. I want to fall in love, to feel, just feel something real about someone else. I want to feel. You want to know me? This is real. This is me. This is my heart.