I never read/check/update this thing anymore...
i think that right now i'm going through this broken stage. not that i haven't always been broken. i have just been to stubborn to realize that that is what i am. i'm not really sure why i tried to deny it. i mean, on the surface i never did. on the surface i acted just as broken as the next guy. but inside i liked to pretend that i had it all together. and that came through on the outside. my act. never being myself, always someone different. so i'm learning how to be broken. and i don't like it very much. i feel like i'm depressing all the time...and i'm not depressed, not really. i'm just struggling and hurting. i think my problem lately is that i expect other people to make it better. instead of running to God i run to my friends. i expect them to hold me, hug me and give me words of advice or encouragement. when i hurt and when i'm frustrated it's people who i want, not God. i think that hit me for real for the first time this morning. i was frustrated and upset. i hurt. my roommate was not in the room, i can't get on im and it's 4:30 in the morning...no one to call. what else to do then to curl up into a little ball on my bed and cry to Jesus. then it hit me...this is what i need. i may want to be physically comforted...but that is not what i need. i talked to ashley about this last week. about how hard it is for me to depend on God because i am so physical, because i want to be held. but i don't need to be...
there's this verse in Galatians, where Paul is talking about how they are no longer zealous for God. he accuses them saying "what has happened to all of your joy?" i've been wondering this about myself a lot lately. where has all my joy gone? am i realizing that i am broken and is it taking it away? it shouldn't, i've always been broken. ashley (gosh i love that girl) is the one who said it today. she said that it just seems as though i've lost all of my joy. and she's right. i feel like i have lost all of my joy. like i am at this point in my life where everything is going on around me, however i am stopped, i don't feel, i don't think, i just go through the motions of my day. and this is not right. i find myself in a place where i constantly want to cry...but almost never can until something silly like a song triggers the tears. and it's weird...like i didn't cry this morning over the statistics i couldn't do...but then i was reading an article about david noel and i cried. can we say freak?
needless to say i spend the majority of my quiet time searching for this joy that i seem to have lost. searching for the joy that i know must be there, but for some reason seems just out of my reach. i ended my quiet time thinking that i need to focus on allowing God, and only God to comfort me. this means that i do not call the boy who i want to hold me. this means i do not rely on my friends to give me hugs. i may be giving up hugs (at least partly) for lent after all. i will receive them if they are offered...but maybe i should stop asking for them, at least for a little while. as i was searching for this comfort i found this amazing Bible verse. i think that i will leave you with it i decided to memorize it. i think it is a good one...
And the God of all grace, Who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11)
the thing is that although i don't know if i found the joy that i was searching for, i found hope, and that is enough to give me joy for today, tomorrow, and however long it may take until i am satisfied with Him alone.
there's this verse in Galatians, where Paul is talking about how they are no longer zealous for God. he accuses them saying "what has happened to all of your joy?" i've been wondering this about myself a lot lately. where has all my joy gone? am i realizing that i am broken and is it taking it away? it shouldn't, i've always been broken. ashley (gosh i love that girl) is the one who said it today. she said that it just seems as though i've lost all of my joy. and she's right. i feel like i have lost all of my joy. like i am at this point in my life where everything is going on around me, however i am stopped, i don't feel, i don't think, i just go through the motions of my day. and this is not right. i find myself in a place where i constantly want to cry...but almost never can until something silly like a song triggers the tears. and it's weird...like i didn't cry this morning over the statistics i couldn't do...but then i was reading an article about david noel and i cried. can we say freak?
needless to say i spend the majority of my quiet time searching for this joy that i seem to have lost. searching for the joy that i know must be there, but for some reason seems just out of my reach. i ended my quiet time thinking that i need to focus on allowing God, and only God to comfort me. this means that i do not call the boy who i want to hold me. this means i do not rely on my friends to give me hugs. i may be giving up hugs (at least partly) for lent after all. i will receive them if they are offered...but maybe i should stop asking for them, at least for a little while. as i was searching for this comfort i found this amazing Bible verse. i think that i will leave you with it i decided to memorize it. i think it is a good one...
And the God of all grace, Who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11)
the thing is that although i don't know if i found the joy that i was searching for, i found hope, and that is enough to give me joy for today, tomorrow, and however long it may take until i am satisfied with Him alone.