i didn't lock this....because it doesn't matter anymore. think what you will.
i always open this page to update and then realize i have nothing to
say. i mean, i have plenty to say, but not a whole lot i want to put in
writing for the world to see. i miss hanging out with girlfriends and just talking for hours.
that's way better than typing here by myself about things that are
exciting to me and will probably be simply glanced over by most. i want
to go back to the time when my best friends were all that
mattered....boys were just there to giggle about. they didn't take up
my every thought from the moment i woke until the moment i slept. they
weren't able to get me so flustered that i couldn't think straight.
they weren't able to make me cry when they left. i want that back. that strength we had when we were younger. to not need them.
but if i went back to that i think i would miss that feeling of falling in love...that feeling of having someone that you care about so deeply you would do anything for them...give your life for them. and to know they would do the same for you is even better.
i need to be content with this feeling through my friends, because i know it's there. i have some of the most amazing friends. why is it that i have them there for me, through anything, and i would do anything for them, yet i still need a man in my life? someone who is more than a friend. maybe it's not that i need that, it's that i've found that, and i'm afraid of losing it. i don't want to lose it. i have before. over and over again. and i don't want that anymore. i want him here with me, for always. yet it's not that easy. it never is. and now i go day to day not knowing what's coming next. i've learned to accept it...on the outside at least. but sometimes i just want to scream....i just want to tell him it's not ok for him to leave; no, i won't be ok. but i know i will. deep down i will.
this shift of having everything, having perfection to having nothing, having it be miles away is killing me. i take it because i'd rather have something for the short amount of time that i do, than have nothing at all. it's worth it to me. i might be crazy...but i know what i want. and if i have to sacrifice for it, i will.
it's been a day....24 hours....and i don't know if i could miss him more.
but if i went back to that i think i would miss that feeling of falling in love...that feeling of having someone that you care about so deeply you would do anything for them...give your life for them. and to know they would do the same for you is even better.
i need to be content with this feeling through my friends, because i know it's there. i have some of the most amazing friends. why is it that i have them there for me, through anything, and i would do anything for them, yet i still need a man in my life? someone who is more than a friend. maybe it's not that i need that, it's that i've found that, and i'm afraid of losing it. i don't want to lose it. i have before. over and over again. and i don't want that anymore. i want him here with me, for always. yet it's not that easy. it never is. and now i go day to day not knowing what's coming next. i've learned to accept it...on the outside at least. but sometimes i just want to scream....i just want to tell him it's not ok for him to leave; no, i won't be ok. but i know i will. deep down i will.
this shift of having everything, having perfection to having nothing, having it be miles away is killing me. i take it because i'd rather have something for the short amount of time that i do, than have nothing at all. it's worth it to me. i might be crazy...but i know what i want. and if i have to sacrifice for it, i will.
it's been a day....24 hours....and i don't know if i could miss him more.