FIc: Moments with Oliver
It was weird waking up on the morning of the sonogram that would hopefully tell Puck the sex of their baby and realizing that Kurt had been dead for two months, almost to the day. Puck had known he was pregnant for almost as long and today was a routine appointment, but the doctor had asked at the last appoint if he wanted to know the sex of the baby before it was born. The only thing Puck could think of was Kurt telling him that he needed to know before the baby was born so he could decorate and buy the appropriate clothing; so, Puck said yes. Now, waking up a week and a half later, Puck wasn’t so sure anymore.
He’d been so angry at Kurt in the beginning, so hurt that he could just leave Puck and their baby to fend for themselves with no one around to help. Now though, Puck felt guilty for all of the amazing, wonderful experiences he got to have with the baby. The first time the baby kicked Puck was so thrilled that he could finally feel the life that Kurt had put in him. He had run down the stairs as fast as he could with his already emerging belly and told Burt what had just happened. It was a week before anyone else could feel it, but only a few days before Puck began to feel sorry. He wanted Kurt to be able to hold his head down to his stomach and feel what they’d made, he felt so guilty that he was here and so happy that this baby was inside of him. The baby that would be the last thing Kurt Hummel ever gave to the world.
Burt had been his savior throughout the months. He hadn’t batted an eyelash when Puck asked quietly, almost like he was ashamed of the question and almost like he was scared to hear the answer, if he could sleep in Kurt’s room…just for a few nights. Burt had been the one to call his mother and talk to her about Puck staying for a while longer. Through the morning sickness and the crying, Burt had been there to talk Puck through it. Most of the time with stories of Kurt as a child, how precocious he’d been even as young as three. Sometimes he’d tell Puck about Kurt’s mom, how happy Kate had been when she found out she was pregnant with Kurt, how much she loved Kurt from the moment she saw him. Once, Burt told him about the day Kate had died.
Most importantly for Puck though, Burt had stepped up for him in the two places that mattered most- school and the doctor’s office. Burt had convinced Finn that Puck needed watching out for and how disappointed Kurt would be in him if he didn’t keep up with his uncle-responsibilities and protect Puck. This translated into the rest of the glee boys watching out for him, and eventually everyone in school talked about Puck in the hushed tones used for those in mourning and not in the excited whispered of those talking about a pregnancy scandal and sluts. Puck still wasn’t sure why this above everything else was so important to him, but to be recognized by those people in Kurt’s life as his ‘survivor’ of sorts made it easier to bare, even that tiny little fraction, Kurt’s death.
The second was Burt’s presence in all things medical for Puck. From the very first appointment Puck had in a clinic all the way in Toledo just to see the only doctor in the state of Ohio specializing in Male Pregnancy, Burt had been there insisting on driving him to every appointment and speaking with the doctor every time. Puck could tell the difference in the nurses’ and doctor’s opinion of Puck’s current state after Burt spoke with them each time. He spoke about Puck as though you would speak about any pregnant person. As though Puck’s pregnancy was planned and the only wrong with this picture was the fact that Kurt wasn’t there. Puck was sure he’d never been more grateful to anyone in his life.
And yet, sitting on Kurt’s bed, just moments away from getting in the car and seeing his baby again, Puck wasn’t sure he could stand the sight of Burt. After everything that Burt had done for Puck he wasn’t sure that he could deal with the look of absolute pride Burt would sport after Puck informed him of the baby’s sex and know that look was for Kurt’s child, not Puck’s. Puck was so scared of everything that was happening in his life right now, so confused about what all his plans were supposed look like, but the idea of what his life would look like after the baby was born and Burt could see him or her anytime he wanted was the scariest thing of all. Right now, Puck could sit in the doctor’s office with Burt at his side and pretend that this was all for him, that Burt cared how he was doing, not just the baby.
Puck got up anyway and walked down the stairs to the chair Burt was waiting patiently in. His baby needed a doctor and Puck wasn’t going to deny it that, even if he had to face some painful truths to get it.
“I’m ready,” Puck said stepping around the chair to face Burt.
“Great,” Burt said standing up and gesturing towards the garage. Both men walked through the garage and into Burt’s truck without a word to the other. The silence continued for a while after that, past the Lima borders and past county lines. “You nervous about today, you’re awfully quiet.”
“I just wish Kurt was here,” Puck muttered softly, not exactly lying but not exactly telling the truth either.
“I know you do, I wish he was here too and I know I can’t ever make up for that, but you know that I’m here for you and the baby right?” Burt asked sincerely taking his eyes off the road to try and make some form of contact with Puck.
“Yeah, the baby” Puck said resting his head against the window and staring down the empty stretch of road, feeling a little pathetic for thinking he could sympathize.
“And you. I know that this whole thing, Kurt being gone and you being pregnant is still new, but I’m here for you. Yes, because you happening to be carrying my grandchild and yes, because Kurt loved you, but I know what you’re going at least some of what you’re going through right now and I want to help you. Not for any other reason than I like you and I don’t want you to have to go through the same things I did. I want you to be able to depend on other people and ask for help, because you’ve got so many people that are willing to give it to you,” Burt pleaded with Puck to listen. Puck just nodded, head still against the window, looking out at anything besides Burt. Deciding a subtler tactic was needed, Burt changed the subject. “So, have you been thinking about college any?”
“College?” Puck looked up from the window astonished at Burt’s question.
“Yeah, college. I know that it’s not for everyone, it sure wasn’t for me, but it’s an option that’s open to you if you want it. If you don’t, that’s cool, maybe a trade school, or you could even come work at the garage if you wanted. Whatever you want to do,” Burt assured eyes staying on the road as he spoke to Puck.
“I never really thought about it,” Puck murmured placing his head back on the window.
“Don’t they have all those career things at the school, Kurt always complained about them?” Burt asked surprised.
“They weren’t talking to me. They were talking to everyone that actually had a future, everyone that was going somewhere. No one has ever asked about my future.” Puck said feeling like he was being interrogated.
“Puck, maybe you never felt much like you had a future or that anything mattered past the next party or game, but everything has changed now. You’ve got a baby to support and you can’t do that if you don’t start thinking about what you want to do with your life. It’s not just about the money; you’ve got to lead by example. You have to show your kid what a good life looks like and what it means to be happy. You are going to have to show your baby that getting the things you want in life is possible if you work hard at it. How are you going to do that if you don’t even know it?”
“Listen, I appreciate this little pep talk and I’m glad that this baby will have the most awesome grandfather in the world, but this…”Puck said sharply gesturing across the console and back. “This taking care of the baby by taking care of me thing isn’t cool anymore. You can still take me to my appointments and make sure I’m eating right and everything, but pretending to be interested in me and not just your grandkid, I don’t think I can take it anymore. You need to stop being so cool to me, it’s confusing as hell.”
“Puck…” Burt started but couldn’t finish and before he had time to think of what to say next Puck had jumped out of the parked car and was already halfway in to the clinic by the time Burt had shut off the engine. When Burt finally stepped into the waiting room, Puck was already done signing in and was sitting in the chair closest to the door which he would go into in just a few minutes.
Burt sighed, stepping up to the desk to pay the receptionist for the visit and sitting down with Puck to wait. He wanted to say something to the boy, assure him somehow that it wasn’t just the baby he was interested in taking care of. He’d tried in the truck and gotten no response, he wasn’t sure how to go about it now. Before he could think of anything to say to Puck the doctor had called him in and Burt was left waiting alone, while Puck went in to see how the baby was doing.
Puck was hopelessly confused about Burt’s intentions. At first in the truck, Puck thought he was getting what he had wanted since he was seven, his dad back; then Burt started talking about his responsibility to the baby and how Puck had to stand up for it and Puck knew he’d been wrong. Burt might have said he was there for Puck and not just the baby but every time he talked about Puck it was in relation to the thing in his stomach. How was Puck supposed to take that?
As Puck laid back on the table and waited for the nurse to begin his ultrasound, he couldn’t help but think about how much easier things would be if Kurt were there. Puck wouldn’t have to doubt that his only support wasn’t really interested in him. Kurt would be in this room telling Puck how amazing he was and how proud of him Kurt was for giving them both this miracle. Kurt would soothe him when the nausea or the feelings of despair that sprang up suddenly and stayed for a while hit him. Kurt would make sure that Puck felt loved, for just being him and not for carrying this last bit of Kurt with him.
A heartbeat filled the room and startled Puck out of his mourning. He looked down at the little screen and saw his baby sitting there, content in his stomach. Puck could see facial features and individual toes invading the screen and had never felt like crying more. Seeing his baby as an actual being, instead of just a mass that the doctor seemed to think had actual points of interest, made everything that Puck was doing worth it. All the nights alone in Kurt’s bed, every look he got the few times he went out in public, even the uncertainty of what would happen after the baby was born was all worth the image on the screen.
“Would you like to know the sex?” The nurse asked quietly, aware of his sudden emotional state.
“Yes, but could you bring Burt in first?” Puck asked just as quietly still staring at his baby.
“Sure,” She said and was back in what seemed like seconds with a worried looking Burt in tow.
After letting Burt sit in the seat next to Puck, she picked up the wand once again and moved it over Puck’s stomach to rest over the baby.
“You’re having a boy Noah,” The nurse announced happily, pointing out where his genitals were and taking a few pictures while she was there. “Have you been thinking about names?”
“Yeah I have,” Puck answered barely tearing his eyes away from his son to look at both people in the room “His name is Oliver,”
“That’s a great name,” Burt said gently smiling at Puck as the nurse cleaned him off and got him ready for the doctor to come in.
“Thanks,” Puck said smiling for the first time since Kurt had died. “He’s amazing isn’t he?”
“You both are,” Burt replied, laying a hand on Puck’s shoulder and smiling with him. Burt wasn’t sure how to assure Puck that he would always be there for him, no matter what; he wasn’t even sure if he could, but he would try to show Puck that Burt, and everyone else in the family was there for Puck not just Oliver.
Puck couldn’t believe how happy he was. It had seemed like nothing would ever get back to normal after Kurt died, and maybe it wouldn’t be the same but Puck was sure that Burt was right. He had to try and be happy for his son, for Oliver. He couldn’t give up on life after Kurt when Kurt had made sure that Puck would have someone else to take care of and love for the rest of his life. As much as Puck wanted to stay sad, and keep remembering Kurt every second of the day, he had someone else that demanded his attention now. Puck wished Kurt were here.
Mostly though, Puck just wished that he made Kurt proud in raising their son.
He’d been so angry at Kurt in the beginning, so hurt that he could just leave Puck and their baby to fend for themselves with no one around to help. Now though, Puck felt guilty for all of the amazing, wonderful experiences he got to have with the baby. The first time the baby kicked Puck was so thrilled that he could finally feel the life that Kurt had put in him. He had run down the stairs as fast as he could with his already emerging belly and told Burt what had just happened. It was a week before anyone else could feel it, but only a few days before Puck began to feel sorry. He wanted Kurt to be able to hold his head down to his stomach and feel what they’d made, he felt so guilty that he was here and so happy that this baby was inside of him. The baby that would be the last thing Kurt Hummel ever gave to the world.
Burt had been his savior throughout the months. He hadn’t batted an eyelash when Puck asked quietly, almost like he was ashamed of the question and almost like he was scared to hear the answer, if he could sleep in Kurt’s room…just for a few nights. Burt had been the one to call his mother and talk to her about Puck staying for a while longer. Through the morning sickness and the crying, Burt had been there to talk Puck through it. Most of the time with stories of Kurt as a child, how precocious he’d been even as young as three. Sometimes he’d tell Puck about Kurt’s mom, how happy Kate had been when she found out she was pregnant with Kurt, how much she loved Kurt from the moment she saw him. Once, Burt told him about the day Kate had died.
Most importantly for Puck though, Burt had stepped up for him in the two places that mattered most- school and the doctor’s office. Burt had convinced Finn that Puck needed watching out for and how disappointed Kurt would be in him if he didn’t keep up with his uncle-responsibilities and protect Puck. This translated into the rest of the glee boys watching out for him, and eventually everyone in school talked about Puck in the hushed tones used for those in mourning and not in the excited whispered of those talking about a pregnancy scandal and sluts. Puck still wasn’t sure why this above everything else was so important to him, but to be recognized by those people in Kurt’s life as his ‘survivor’ of sorts made it easier to bare, even that tiny little fraction, Kurt’s death.
The second was Burt’s presence in all things medical for Puck. From the very first appointment Puck had in a clinic all the way in Toledo just to see the only doctor in the state of Ohio specializing in Male Pregnancy, Burt had been there insisting on driving him to every appointment and speaking with the doctor every time. Puck could tell the difference in the nurses’ and doctor’s opinion of Puck’s current state after Burt spoke with them each time. He spoke about Puck as though you would speak about any pregnant person. As though Puck’s pregnancy was planned and the only wrong with this picture was the fact that Kurt wasn’t there. Puck was sure he’d never been more grateful to anyone in his life.
And yet, sitting on Kurt’s bed, just moments away from getting in the car and seeing his baby again, Puck wasn’t sure he could stand the sight of Burt. After everything that Burt had done for Puck he wasn’t sure that he could deal with the look of absolute pride Burt would sport after Puck informed him of the baby’s sex and know that look was for Kurt’s child, not Puck’s. Puck was so scared of everything that was happening in his life right now, so confused about what all his plans were supposed look like, but the idea of what his life would look like after the baby was born and Burt could see him or her anytime he wanted was the scariest thing of all. Right now, Puck could sit in the doctor’s office with Burt at his side and pretend that this was all for him, that Burt cared how he was doing, not just the baby.
Puck got up anyway and walked down the stairs to the chair Burt was waiting patiently in. His baby needed a doctor and Puck wasn’t going to deny it that, even if he had to face some painful truths to get it.
“I’m ready,” Puck said stepping around the chair to face Burt.
“Great,” Burt said standing up and gesturing towards the garage. Both men walked through the garage and into Burt’s truck without a word to the other. The silence continued for a while after that, past the Lima borders and past county lines. “You nervous about today, you’re awfully quiet.”
“I just wish Kurt was here,” Puck muttered softly, not exactly lying but not exactly telling the truth either.
“I know you do, I wish he was here too and I know I can’t ever make up for that, but you know that I’m here for you and the baby right?” Burt asked sincerely taking his eyes off the road to try and make some form of contact with Puck.
“Yeah, the baby” Puck said resting his head against the window and staring down the empty stretch of road, feeling a little pathetic for thinking he could sympathize.
“And you. I know that this whole thing, Kurt being gone and you being pregnant is still new, but I’m here for you. Yes, because you happening to be carrying my grandchild and yes, because Kurt loved you, but I know what you’re going at least some of what you’re going through right now and I want to help you. Not for any other reason than I like you and I don’t want you to have to go through the same things I did. I want you to be able to depend on other people and ask for help, because you’ve got so many people that are willing to give it to you,” Burt pleaded with Puck to listen. Puck just nodded, head still against the window, looking out at anything besides Burt. Deciding a subtler tactic was needed, Burt changed the subject. “So, have you been thinking about college any?”
“College?” Puck looked up from the window astonished at Burt’s question.
“Yeah, college. I know that it’s not for everyone, it sure wasn’t for me, but it’s an option that’s open to you if you want it. If you don’t, that’s cool, maybe a trade school, or you could even come work at the garage if you wanted. Whatever you want to do,” Burt assured eyes staying on the road as he spoke to Puck.
“I never really thought about it,” Puck murmured placing his head back on the window.
“Don’t they have all those career things at the school, Kurt always complained about them?” Burt asked surprised.
“They weren’t talking to me. They were talking to everyone that actually had a future, everyone that was going somewhere. No one has ever asked about my future.” Puck said feeling like he was being interrogated.
“Puck, maybe you never felt much like you had a future or that anything mattered past the next party or game, but everything has changed now. You’ve got a baby to support and you can’t do that if you don’t start thinking about what you want to do with your life. It’s not just about the money; you’ve got to lead by example. You have to show your kid what a good life looks like and what it means to be happy. You are going to have to show your baby that getting the things you want in life is possible if you work hard at it. How are you going to do that if you don’t even know it?”
“Listen, I appreciate this little pep talk and I’m glad that this baby will have the most awesome grandfather in the world, but this…”Puck said sharply gesturing across the console and back. “This taking care of the baby by taking care of me thing isn’t cool anymore. You can still take me to my appointments and make sure I’m eating right and everything, but pretending to be interested in me and not just your grandkid, I don’t think I can take it anymore. You need to stop being so cool to me, it’s confusing as hell.”
“Puck…” Burt started but couldn’t finish and before he had time to think of what to say next Puck had jumped out of the parked car and was already halfway in to the clinic by the time Burt had shut off the engine. When Burt finally stepped into the waiting room, Puck was already done signing in and was sitting in the chair closest to the door which he would go into in just a few minutes.
Burt sighed, stepping up to the desk to pay the receptionist for the visit and sitting down with Puck to wait. He wanted to say something to the boy, assure him somehow that it wasn’t just the baby he was interested in taking care of. He’d tried in the truck and gotten no response, he wasn’t sure how to go about it now. Before he could think of anything to say to Puck the doctor had called him in and Burt was left waiting alone, while Puck went in to see how the baby was doing.
Puck was hopelessly confused about Burt’s intentions. At first in the truck, Puck thought he was getting what he had wanted since he was seven, his dad back; then Burt started talking about his responsibility to the baby and how Puck had to stand up for it and Puck knew he’d been wrong. Burt might have said he was there for Puck and not just the baby but every time he talked about Puck it was in relation to the thing in his stomach. How was Puck supposed to take that?
As Puck laid back on the table and waited for the nurse to begin his ultrasound, he couldn’t help but think about how much easier things would be if Kurt were there. Puck wouldn’t have to doubt that his only support wasn’t really interested in him. Kurt would be in this room telling Puck how amazing he was and how proud of him Kurt was for giving them both this miracle. Kurt would soothe him when the nausea or the feelings of despair that sprang up suddenly and stayed for a while hit him. Kurt would make sure that Puck felt loved, for just being him and not for carrying this last bit of Kurt with him.
A heartbeat filled the room and startled Puck out of his mourning. He looked down at the little screen and saw his baby sitting there, content in his stomach. Puck could see facial features and individual toes invading the screen and had never felt like crying more. Seeing his baby as an actual being, instead of just a mass that the doctor seemed to think had actual points of interest, made everything that Puck was doing worth it. All the nights alone in Kurt’s bed, every look he got the few times he went out in public, even the uncertainty of what would happen after the baby was born was all worth the image on the screen.
“Would you like to know the sex?” The nurse asked quietly, aware of his sudden emotional state.
“Yes, but could you bring Burt in first?” Puck asked just as quietly still staring at his baby.
“Sure,” She said and was back in what seemed like seconds with a worried looking Burt in tow.
After letting Burt sit in the seat next to Puck, she picked up the wand once again and moved it over Puck’s stomach to rest over the baby.
“You’re having a boy Noah,” The nurse announced happily, pointing out where his genitals were and taking a few pictures while she was there. “Have you been thinking about names?”
“Yeah I have,” Puck answered barely tearing his eyes away from his son to look at both people in the room “His name is Oliver,”
“That’s a great name,” Burt said gently smiling at Puck as the nurse cleaned him off and got him ready for the doctor to come in.
“Thanks,” Puck said smiling for the first time since Kurt had died. “He’s amazing isn’t he?”
“You both are,” Burt replied, laying a hand on Puck’s shoulder and smiling with him. Burt wasn’t sure how to assure Puck that he would always be there for him, no matter what; he wasn’t even sure if he could, but he would try to show Puck that Burt, and everyone else in the family was there for Puck not just Oliver.
Puck couldn’t believe how happy he was. It had seemed like nothing would ever get back to normal after Kurt died, and maybe it wouldn’t be the same but Puck was sure that Burt was right. He had to try and be happy for his son, for Oliver. He couldn’t give up on life after Kurt when Kurt had made sure that Puck would have someone else to take care of and love for the rest of his life. As much as Puck wanted to stay sad, and keep remembering Kurt every second of the day, he had someone else that demanded his attention now. Puck wished Kurt were here.
Mostly though, Puck just wished that he made Kurt proud in raising their son.