..all you can do is watch and wonder where the girl you knew has gone..
This song is killing me right now...so much. I can't even explain how much pain I've been in for the past week...like a rollercoaster I fly up and down emotionally, mostly up when I'm talking to him, or looking into her beautiful calming eyes, down most if not all the other times.
This morning I found myself doing something that basically ruined my entire day. I called you and text messaged you as well, asking if you were home, telling you that I needed to see you. Inside my chest I felt this tightening feeling, and then my head started to feel funny, I didn't know if I would be able to, but I had made up my mind. I needed to see you more than anything. I needed to hug you, to give you something that I drew for you a long time ago, to smell your house and you hair, to see you smile, to tell you that I love you and I'm going to miss you more than most likely even I know. I got in my car, frazzled and out of my mind. I turned up the Silver Chair CD that was playing and cruised over to your part of town even though I hadn't heard back from you. I had done this a million times it seemed, gone to see you when you hadn't picked up and somehow you were always there to answer the door and smile in my face. I got there, shaking and sweating, I needed still to see your face and know that you were real, everything seems fictional to me right now. My bare feet scampered over the pavement that had been baking in the sun for hours. I clammered up your stairs and knocked softly on the door that I knew so well. Nothing. I rang the doorbell. Nothing. I looked into your window, there were signs of life, but no one could be seen. A tear slid down my face and I slowly turned to walk away. I picked up my cell phone once more and tried to reach you, but all I got was that generic cell phone message system. I shut it harshly and got back into my car. I sat there for a while with the windows down, waiting to know what to do. I called a few other people, and then went over to see Anna. I sat in the swinging chair in the back yard of her house waiting for her to get home, I kept trying to write, but all I could was scribble down a few words and then start to zone out. Too many thoughts in my head. It was hot and today is day one of not smoking, so that wasn't an option even though there was an ash tray at my feet. I thought about the situation that took place while I sat on the chair the night before, the pain on my hip came back and again I wanted to cry. Before I knew it, I heard voices coming around the side of the house, I put my journal away and distracted myself with pleasant company. But in the back of my head you remained. The thought "will I ever get to see her again" constantly prodding at my mind. *sigh*
I feel very odd, I ran some errands [god I hate shopping]. Couldn't find a bag at the surplus store and found the perfect pair of shoes at shoe pavillion but they were expensive and didn't fit, then I ran over to payless and found the same pair [designer knock-offs though of course] for $15 and they fit quite nicely. I'm going back soon to get them, or well, my father is getting them for me as a birthday present. I have to take him over to my mother's house and I don't want to, but he can't drive so I do what I must. I want to crawl under my covers...well, I'd rather crawl under his but I take what I can get. I want to dissapear, to run away and hide, even though it's hotter there than it is here, I wouldn't mind..I don't want to be here anymore.
Dancing in Golden gate park tomorrow [if I can muster up the courage to leave the house]
Bank all day on wednesday
Stockton on Thursday
tying up hopefully all loose ends on Friday
Family gathering for my graduation/birthday and luke's birthday on Saturday
L.A. on Sunday
I'm too tourtured in my head right now. I'd like to stay inside my bedroom until Sunday. But I have to bite my lip, there are things that need to be done. I hope things with tomorrow work out, I'm starting to get scared, something really bad always happens on my birthday. I just want something to be okay for once. Is that too much to ask?
This morning I found myself doing something that basically ruined my entire day. I called you and text messaged you as well, asking if you were home, telling you that I needed to see you. Inside my chest I felt this tightening feeling, and then my head started to feel funny, I didn't know if I would be able to, but I had made up my mind. I needed to see you more than anything. I needed to hug you, to give you something that I drew for you a long time ago, to smell your house and you hair, to see you smile, to tell you that I love you and I'm going to miss you more than most likely even I know. I got in my car, frazzled and out of my mind. I turned up the Silver Chair CD that was playing and cruised over to your part of town even though I hadn't heard back from you. I had done this a million times it seemed, gone to see you when you hadn't picked up and somehow you were always there to answer the door and smile in my face. I got there, shaking and sweating, I needed still to see your face and know that you were real, everything seems fictional to me right now. My bare feet scampered over the pavement that had been baking in the sun for hours. I clammered up your stairs and knocked softly on the door that I knew so well. Nothing. I rang the doorbell. Nothing. I looked into your window, there were signs of life, but no one could be seen. A tear slid down my face and I slowly turned to walk away. I picked up my cell phone once more and tried to reach you, but all I got was that generic cell phone message system. I shut it harshly and got back into my car. I sat there for a while with the windows down, waiting to know what to do. I called a few other people, and then went over to see Anna. I sat in the swinging chair in the back yard of her house waiting for her to get home, I kept trying to write, but all I could was scribble down a few words and then start to zone out. Too many thoughts in my head. It was hot and today is day one of not smoking, so that wasn't an option even though there was an ash tray at my feet. I thought about the situation that took place while I sat on the chair the night before, the pain on my hip came back and again I wanted to cry. Before I knew it, I heard voices coming around the side of the house, I put my journal away and distracted myself with pleasant company. But in the back of my head you remained. The thought "will I ever get to see her again" constantly prodding at my mind. *sigh*
I feel very odd, I ran some errands [god I hate shopping]. Couldn't find a bag at the surplus store and found the perfect pair of shoes at shoe pavillion but they were expensive and didn't fit, then I ran over to payless and found the same pair [designer knock-offs though of course] for $15 and they fit quite nicely. I'm going back soon to get them, or well, my father is getting them for me as a birthday present. I have to take him over to my mother's house and I don't want to, but he can't drive so I do what I must. I want to crawl under my covers...well, I'd rather crawl under his but I take what I can get. I want to dissapear, to run away and hide, even though it's hotter there than it is here, I wouldn't mind..I don't want to be here anymore.
Dancing in Golden gate park tomorrow [if I can muster up the courage to leave the house]
Bank all day on wednesday
Stockton on Thursday
tying up hopefully all loose ends on Friday
Family gathering for my graduation/birthday and luke's birthday on Saturday
L.A. on Sunday
I'm too tourtured in my head right now. I'd like to stay inside my bedroom until Sunday. But I have to bite my lip, there are things that need to be done. I hope things with tomorrow work out, I'm starting to get scared, something really bad always happens on my birthday. I just want something to be okay for once. Is that too much to ask?