Supernatural: Post Shadow Codaish Thingy
Here it is! Read-through by stone_princess who is awesome as always.
Post Shadow Codaish Thingy
They stop at the hospital on the way out of town, and Dean tells the nurse at the desk that they were mauled by a cougar. When she gives him a skeptical look, Sam jumps in to tell her that they're big cat trainers at the zoo. He can't for the life of him remember if there's a zoo there.
Her skeptical look remains until Dean says, "Come on, lady. What else would do something like this?"
It's funny, Sam thinks, the outrageous stories that people will believe in order to avoid examining the truth too closely.
When the question of how that applies to him arises in the back of his mind, he ignores it completely.
***
The doctor who treats Sam is young and pretty. The first thing Sam says when she walks in the room is, "My brother?"
She smiles and says that he's being treated by Dr. Monroe. Sam nods and tells her she's lucky she's working on him. When she asks why, he says, "Because Dean would spend the entire time hitting on you."
She laughs, and she probably thinks Sam is joking, which makes Sam want to laugh too. Except everything hurts, inside and out, so maybe not.
***
The drive out of town is long and silent. Sam thinks that they should stop and rest, but Dean insists that he's fine, and Sam doesn't have the energy to argue. He feels drained and helpless and grateful that his big brother is there to protect him, which just makes him feel angry.
***
When Sam was twelve, he was cast in his school's production of Our Town and was harassed by the other boys in his grade. They would stand around him at recess and call him a sissy and threaten to beat him up.
Sam would stand there, frowning at the lead boy, his fists clenched at his sides, because he couldn't tell them, "I've seen things that would make you wet your pants."
"We're gonna get you one day when the teachers aren't around, Sammy," the leader said. "Then you'll be sorry."
"Whatever." Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. "My brother won't let you touch me." It didn't even occur to him how that might sound. It was just a Truth in his world. Nothing would ever hurt him because Dean wouldn't let it.
The boys around him laughed, and it spawned a new, even worse sort of taunting.
"You need your big brother to protect you, Samantha? Sissy Sammy's gonna cry to his brother!"
It was the single most humiliating moment of Sam's life. He went home that afternoon and demanded that Dean show him how to fight.
"What's going on? Is it something I need to take care of?" Dean asked.
Sam shrugged away from Dean's hand on his shoulder and frowned. "I want to take care of it myself. I just need you to show me how."
Dean blinked, slow and confused. "Okay, Sammy. Whatever you want."
"It's Sam."
"What?"
"I want you to call me Sam from now on," Sam said.
They trained the rest of the year, but moved away before Sam could put his training to use. The bitter taste of unfulfilled revenge still sits at the back of Sam's throat.
***
Sam tries to sleep, but there's no way for him to get comfortable in the car. The question in his mind throbs in time with the side of his face, and it's just as painful.
"Am I your weakness?" he finally asks. His voice is low and scratchy, and he thinks that maybe Dean didn't hear him.
After awhile Dean nods.
"But you're also my strength. So I guess it works out okay."
Dean doesn't say anything else. Sam doesn't mind, though, because he has to think about that for awhile.
***
They stop at a motel a little after dawn.
It's been over an hour since they went to bed, but when Sam says, "Dean?" Dean answers him.
"I don't want to need you," Sam says as he stares at the ceiling.
"Okay." Dean draws the word out like he's waiting for the rest.
Sam wants to say more, but he doesn't know what. All the independence he thought he'd gained in his time away flew out the window the moment he saw Dad again, and Sam thinks that he will never be a real person around his family, but he will never be whole without them.
"I don't want to need you," Sam repeats. He wants to add, But I need you so much that I feel like I'm drowning in it sometimes. I don't know who I am without you, because you're always there, even when you're not. I don't even know that I want to know, but I should. I should want to know that, right?.
"I'll always need you, Dean."
"But you don't want to." Dean's voice is rough, but Sam can't look over to see his face. His head feels heavy.
"I don't know. I don't know what I want." He closes his eyes and everything feels heavy now. There's a flash of a house, cheery yellow with green grass and a flower garden under the window. It's an image Sam has been carrying around with him since he was twelve, but now it fades away. When he tries to recall the details he finds he can't.
There is nothing left but a white, empty shell, but when Dean speaks, everything feels full again.
"I just want you to be happy, Sammy." Dean's voice is quiet, and Sam's not even sure he's supposed to hear that.
Sam just nods his head, unsure of whether Dean is even looking at him.
Before sleep claims him, Sam hears Dean say, "I just wish you could be happy here."
He doesn't answer, because he doesn't know what to say, and he's almost positive he wasn't supposed to hear that. But it strikes Sam as funny in a weird sort of way. Is Dean happy? Because happy has always seemed in the same realm of possibility as normal for them.
Sam wonders what is more important, love or happiness. He falls asleep before he can come up with an answer.
Post Shadow Codaish Thingy
They stop at the hospital on the way out of town, and Dean tells the nurse at the desk that they were mauled by a cougar. When she gives him a skeptical look, Sam jumps in to tell her that they're big cat trainers at the zoo. He can't for the life of him remember if there's a zoo there.
Her skeptical look remains until Dean says, "Come on, lady. What else would do something like this?"
It's funny, Sam thinks, the outrageous stories that people will believe in order to avoid examining the truth too closely.
When the question of how that applies to him arises in the back of his mind, he ignores it completely.
***
The doctor who treats Sam is young and pretty. The first thing Sam says when she walks in the room is, "My brother?"
She smiles and says that he's being treated by Dr. Monroe. Sam nods and tells her she's lucky she's working on him. When she asks why, he says, "Because Dean would spend the entire time hitting on you."
She laughs, and she probably thinks Sam is joking, which makes Sam want to laugh too. Except everything hurts, inside and out, so maybe not.
***
The drive out of town is long and silent. Sam thinks that they should stop and rest, but Dean insists that he's fine, and Sam doesn't have the energy to argue. He feels drained and helpless and grateful that his big brother is there to protect him, which just makes him feel angry.
***
When Sam was twelve, he was cast in his school's production of Our Town and was harassed by the other boys in his grade. They would stand around him at recess and call him a sissy and threaten to beat him up.
Sam would stand there, frowning at the lead boy, his fists clenched at his sides, because he couldn't tell them, "I've seen things that would make you wet your pants."
"We're gonna get you one day when the teachers aren't around, Sammy," the leader said. "Then you'll be sorry."
"Whatever." Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. "My brother won't let you touch me." It didn't even occur to him how that might sound. It was just a Truth in his world. Nothing would ever hurt him because Dean wouldn't let it.
The boys around him laughed, and it spawned a new, even worse sort of taunting.
"You need your big brother to protect you, Samantha? Sissy Sammy's gonna cry to his brother!"
It was the single most humiliating moment of Sam's life. He went home that afternoon and demanded that Dean show him how to fight.
"What's going on? Is it something I need to take care of?" Dean asked.
Sam shrugged away from Dean's hand on his shoulder and frowned. "I want to take care of it myself. I just need you to show me how."
Dean blinked, slow and confused. "Okay, Sammy. Whatever you want."
"It's Sam."
"What?"
"I want you to call me Sam from now on," Sam said.
They trained the rest of the year, but moved away before Sam could put his training to use. The bitter taste of unfulfilled revenge still sits at the back of Sam's throat.
***
Sam tries to sleep, but there's no way for him to get comfortable in the car. The question in his mind throbs in time with the side of his face, and it's just as painful.
"Am I your weakness?" he finally asks. His voice is low and scratchy, and he thinks that maybe Dean didn't hear him.
After awhile Dean nods.
"But you're also my strength. So I guess it works out okay."
Dean doesn't say anything else. Sam doesn't mind, though, because he has to think about that for awhile.
***
They stop at a motel a little after dawn.
It's been over an hour since they went to bed, but when Sam says, "Dean?" Dean answers him.
"I don't want to need you," Sam says as he stares at the ceiling.
"Okay." Dean draws the word out like he's waiting for the rest.
Sam wants to say more, but he doesn't know what. All the independence he thought he'd gained in his time away flew out the window the moment he saw Dad again, and Sam thinks that he will never be a real person around his family, but he will never be whole without them.
"I don't want to need you," Sam repeats. He wants to add, But I need you so much that I feel like I'm drowning in it sometimes. I don't know who I am without you, because you're always there, even when you're not. I don't even know that I want to know, but I should. I should want to know that, right?.
"I'll always need you, Dean."
"But you don't want to." Dean's voice is rough, but Sam can't look over to see his face. His head feels heavy.
"I don't know. I don't know what I want." He closes his eyes and everything feels heavy now. There's a flash of a house, cheery yellow with green grass and a flower garden under the window. It's an image Sam has been carrying around with him since he was twelve, but now it fades away. When he tries to recall the details he finds he can't.
There is nothing left but a white, empty shell, but when Dean speaks, everything feels full again.
"I just want you to be happy, Sammy." Dean's voice is quiet, and Sam's not even sure he's supposed to hear that.
Sam just nods his head, unsure of whether Dean is even looking at him.
Before sleep claims him, Sam hears Dean say, "I just wish you could be happy here."
He doesn't answer, because he doesn't know what to say, and he's almost positive he wasn't supposed to hear that. But it strikes Sam as funny in a weird sort of way. Is Dean happy? Because happy has always seemed in the same realm of possibility as normal for them.
Sam wonders what is more important, love or happiness. He falls asleep before he can come up with an answer.