Not a Moral Failing [LJ Idol, 3 Strikes, Week 3]
"Does the new medication make you sleepy?" Dr. A asked me, her pen poised to write my answer in her records.
I laughed. "I don't think I'd notice the difference. I'm always sleepy. I can't stay awake in meetings. Heck, I have trouble staying awake driving to work in the mornings." I shook my head ruefully. "I need to get more sleep."
Dr. A looked up from her notebook, brow furrowed. "Just how much sleep do you get?"
"Only 5-6 hours," I admitted. "I know, I know…"
Her frown deepened. "No. If you were getting 3 hours on a regular basis, that kind of sleepiness would make sense. Not 5-6. That's not normal."
I just stared at her for a minute. "I… what?"
Her pen scratched quickly across her notebook. "I'm going to put in for you to get some bloodwork done. You should also do a sleep study."
"I… okay…" I couldn't quite process what she'd said. I ventured, "So… you mean it's not my fault?"
"I don't see how it could be."
It's been a couple of years since that conversation, and it still boggles my mind. I spent years thinking that my sleepiness was a moral failing. I was too undisciplined to go to bed early and too lazy to focus at work. Falling asleep at my desk and in meetings meant I was a terrible employee. All of it meant I was a failure as a human being.
I've learned over the years that a lot of the things that make me feel like a failure as a human being are actually signs of my body and brain failing me. Faulty brain chemistry, neurodivergence, and now it turned out that there was some kind of physical reason for my sleepiness. It's easy to say, "oh, those are just excuses". And yeah, it's possible to use them as such. But for me, it's a relief to know that there are reasons for these things. It makes them so much easier to handle. You can use logic and science against tangible problems. Something vague like "I suck as a human being" is a little harder to tackle.
We're still working on figuring out the cause of my sleepiness. Sleep apnea is most likely, despite the fact that I don't fit any of the usual demographics for it (youngish, female, not overweight). The pandemic got in the way of investigating that. For now, I'm on a stimulant (that also addresses my previously-undiagnosed ADHD, which is a whole other story). Hopefully we can get the root cause identified and addressed soon, though. Maybe I'd enjoy being awake a little more then!