Brigit's Flame: January, Week 2

[joyciel]

I'm being a bit presumptuous but I think I might make it and this prompt kinda came quickly to me so I'll just post now.

Prompt: Smashing Pumpkins (another band that I never listened to lol)

Title: Pies, Cars, and Other Wrong Metaphors
Warning: Few incidents of swearing but nothing graphic

Comments

Editing Comments

[fawatson]

Sorry for being so late with these editing suggestions. I get the impression you had trouble with this prompt, which may account for its unevenness. I’ve read the other comments and suggestions to your story, which I agree with, and I will try my best not to repeat them.

This is an uneven story, though it has a lot of charming qualities. I thought the pace was good and I could 'see' events unfold very easily (good).

I liked Jesse right from the start, which is good. She and her teammates are believable characters, and seem like pretty ordinary and well-balanced teenagers, which is why the pie-smashing ending comes as such of a shock. I think you could probably have worked in the ‘smash’ bit without the violence by having the baker talking about how the cooked pumpkin needed to be crushed to make pie. I also found it odd she had a bat with her at the bakery (surely she left the sports equipment back at the gym?).

In the ‘changing after the game scene’, you left it ambiguous whether Jesse and her friend were joking or actually lesbian; I liked that. However, you tell us what she thinks about her body and nudity rather than showing us; it would be more effective to show us the scene, show us her confidence without arrogance, and show us she takes it as a matter of fact that she will be seen naked, without telling us that is her attitude.

You wrote: “Luring pastries”. I think you mean ‘alluring’. (Dirty old men ‘lure’ young girls to their homes; I don’t think you mean the pastries are ‘luring’ anyone I think you mean they look alluring - i.e. attractive and tasty.)

You wrote: “Jesse’s glared”. I think you mean ‘Jesse glared’.

I think it is a mistake to have ‘clueless’ and ‘cluelessly’ in the same sentence. I recommend you just use ‘cluelessly’ and either omit ‘clueless’ or find some other adjective to describe him.

Other commenters have pointed out examples of incorrect punctuation when you are incorporating dialogue into the story. I found a few more which I won’t detail here. I suggest you review some guidance about this.