(no subject)
i drink nutritional shakes whenever i can stomach them.
the thick chocolate flavor is sickening, but i can't seem to chew
so i close my eyes and pour liquid into my stomach;
anything to keep the scale hovering above the danger zone.
and when my body heaves and folds me over the toilet,
i choke and gag and swallow anything that tries to escape.
even my flesh is trying to run from me, but i won't allow it.
even though it made me furious, i always had a tangible answer
some excuse holding my place at the front of the line,
a future solution tapping it's foot, waiting for me to arrive:
when i move out, go to college, get a car,
when he loves me,
everything will be okay.
i was wrong.
here i am, staring into the eyes of my future,
armed to the teeth with everything that i claimed would save me.
this is what i was waiting for, right?
the empty stage of adulthood.
the audience is waiting.
i have been advertising this life for years; you just wait!
as if i had a future bright enough to burn you.
i was so sure that i'd know what to do once i got here,
that i'd get on stage and body would gracefully lead brain,
i was so inevitably destined to succeed
that i didn't even bother to practice.
it's almost showtime. i'm standing on the stage of my dreams
shielded from everyone by just a thin curtain, now.
i hear high expectations scraping against the ceiling.
my legs are made of lead, i can't inhale without choking.
in a matter of seconds, the curtain will be ripped away;
finally, i will have nothing to hide behind.
the thick chocolate flavor is sickening, but i can't seem to chew
so i close my eyes and pour liquid into my stomach;
anything to keep the scale hovering above the danger zone.
and when my body heaves and folds me over the toilet,
i choke and gag and swallow anything that tries to escape.
even my flesh is trying to run from me, but i won't allow it.
even though it made me furious, i always had a tangible answer
some excuse holding my place at the front of the line,
a future solution tapping it's foot, waiting for me to arrive:
when i move out, go to college, get a car,
when he loves me,
everything will be okay.
i was wrong.
here i am, staring into the eyes of my future,
armed to the teeth with everything that i claimed would save me.
this is what i was waiting for, right?
the empty stage of adulthood.
the audience is waiting.
i have been advertising this life for years; you just wait!
as if i had a future bright enough to burn you.
i was so sure that i'd know what to do once i got here,
that i'd get on stage and body would gracefully lead brain,
i was so inevitably destined to succeed
that i didn't even bother to practice.
it's almost showtime. i'm standing on the stage of my dreams
shielded from everyone by just a thin curtain, now.
i hear high expectations scraping against the ceiling.
my legs are made of lead, i can't inhale without choking.
in a matter of seconds, the curtain will be ripped away;
finally, i will have nothing to hide behind.