::sigh::
I miss the bittersweet indifference from last week.
Today, I keep twirling the handle of her can opener and thinking about how absurd it is for me to be twirling the handle of her can opener.
I know that death is a lot like birth. I've seen both this year and I'm actually speechless about the shocking similarities. It's quite cliche and that bothers me. I want to make something of this. It's all very senseless. This red can opener. This red handle. I keep twirling it and nothing happens.
I can't get rid of the feeling that I've left the windows down in the rain. I left the stove on. I'm hungry. I forgot to put on my shoes. Something important. I've forgotten it.
What was it?
I cried in class this evening and felt very stupid. I shouldn't have gone. I had been crying all afternoon but convinced myself that I needed to "reorganize". That's what they call it when someone dies and everything stops making sense, "disorganization." So you're supposed to "reorganize" and make new patterns. You do this when you experience grief or bereavement. Whenever you lose something--cigarettes, your house, Grandma--you experience bereavement. So I went to class and my Grandma was dead and nothing helped. I thought about leaving but I stayed when I shouldn't have gone in the first place.
No relief. I twirl the handle of this red can opener and nothing happens.
Today, I keep twirling the handle of her can opener and thinking about how absurd it is for me to be twirling the handle of her can opener.
I know that death is a lot like birth. I've seen both this year and I'm actually speechless about the shocking similarities. It's quite cliche and that bothers me. I want to make something of this. It's all very senseless. This red can opener. This red handle. I keep twirling it and nothing happens.
I can't get rid of the feeling that I've left the windows down in the rain. I left the stove on. I'm hungry. I forgot to put on my shoes. Something important. I've forgotten it.
What was it?
I cried in class this evening and felt very stupid. I shouldn't have gone. I had been crying all afternoon but convinced myself that I needed to "reorganize". That's what they call it when someone dies and everything stops making sense, "disorganization." So you're supposed to "reorganize" and make new patterns. You do this when you experience grief or bereavement. Whenever you lose something--cigarettes, your house, Grandma--you experience bereavement. So I went to class and my Grandma was dead and nothing helped. I thought about leaving but I stayed when I shouldn't have gone in the first place.
No relief. I twirl the handle of this red can opener and nothing happens.