I Blew Up the Cat
I'm getting in touch with my inner snake. I had a conversation with her and she told me that she was very angry with me for taking such a subservient role with Kris. She told me that I had never really given Kris the opportunity to form a healthy partnership with me because I continually insist on placing him above me. She pointed out that most of the things that I get angry at Kris over were created by me. She told me to back off and give him some space. She told me that I had to stop begging him to let me be his slave, and then hate him for accomidating my wishes. Stella encouraged me to start taking care of myself, and my needs and not to worry so much about Kris. I can't rescue him from his problems, my attempts to do so are really just another form of self victimization. It's up to Kris to deal with his problems and if he needs my help he will ask for it.
So last night for the first time in my life I had completely selfish and unselfconscious sex. I gave myself permission to completely express my sexual nature without feeling appologetic for it. It was really a wonderful experience. Amazing that I've been having sex for 10 years and this is the first time I've unbound my sexual energy and desire.
Last night I had a dream, there was a cat black or dark grey with subtle goldish color streaks in it's fur, and it had this really big round bump on the top of it's head, like a tumor. In the dream I was going to move... go someplace else and I told Kris that the cat was going to die and it was probably for the best, so we left it behind. Later in the dream it reappeared. The round growth on the cat's head looked like it was leaking out into the cats head. The head was grossly mishapen, asymetrical and gross. It's body was huge and swollen and the gold streaks were huge... like they had been stretched, like stretchmarks. I was felt worried about the cat and very guilty for trying to leave it behind. It was really angry with me. I decided that I had to try to take it to the vet.
When I woke up this morning I had a conversation with the cat. It was still angry, and it was hurting. I think it wanted me to feel guilty for letting it get so mishapen. I asked it if it was willing to meet with my animal council. It said the other animals hated him and wanted him to die. I said that I didn't think that was true. I asked if there were any of the animals it would be willing to meet with. I asked if it would meet with Bear. It didn't want to, it said it wanted to meet with Seal, but I think it wanted to hurt the Seal so I said no. I suggested the other animals but finally it conceded to meet with bear. Bear told me that the cat was my inner critic, and that it was time for the cat to grow and change. Cat was really unhappy and was trying to argue it's way into my favor. It told me that it only had my best interest at heart and that it needed to claw and scratch me so that I wouldn't become completely lazy and worthless. It told me it wanted me to be beautiful and perfect. I knew that Bear was right and it was time for this part of me to change.
I picked up the cat and invited all of my animal council to come and help the cat to change. The cat clawed at my arms but it had lost the power to hurt me... It was especially afraid of Stella even though the snake did not have any ill will toward the cat. All of my animals gave thier power to aid the transformation, and the cat blew up, black fur went flying. Inside was a huge golden Ginea Pig. The Ginea Pig was bigger than the cat, but was happy and gentle. I'm calling him Goldey. He knows that he has a smaller job than the rest of the animals. He told me that he has a good memory, and he's good at organizing things. He told me that he would remind me of the things that needed to get done, but that it's up to me to do them. I really like him and I want to make him feel valued by listening to him, but I know that sometimes the needs of the others are going to be more important.
So last night for the first time in my life I had completely selfish and unselfconscious sex. I gave myself permission to completely express my sexual nature without feeling appologetic for it. It was really a wonderful experience. Amazing that I've been having sex for 10 years and this is the first time I've unbound my sexual energy and desire.
Last night I had a dream, there was a cat black or dark grey with subtle goldish color streaks in it's fur, and it had this really big round bump on the top of it's head, like a tumor. In the dream I was going to move... go someplace else and I told Kris that the cat was going to die and it was probably for the best, so we left it behind. Later in the dream it reappeared. The round growth on the cat's head looked like it was leaking out into the cats head. The head was grossly mishapen, asymetrical and gross. It's body was huge and swollen and the gold streaks were huge... like they had been stretched, like stretchmarks. I was felt worried about the cat and very guilty for trying to leave it behind. It was really angry with me. I decided that I had to try to take it to the vet.
When I woke up this morning I had a conversation with the cat. It was still angry, and it was hurting. I think it wanted me to feel guilty for letting it get so mishapen. I asked it if it was willing to meet with my animal council. It said the other animals hated him and wanted him to die. I said that I didn't think that was true. I asked if there were any of the animals it would be willing to meet with. I asked if it would meet with Bear. It didn't want to, it said it wanted to meet with Seal, but I think it wanted to hurt the Seal so I said no. I suggested the other animals but finally it conceded to meet with bear. Bear told me that the cat was my inner critic, and that it was time for the cat to grow and change. Cat was really unhappy and was trying to argue it's way into my favor. It told me that it only had my best interest at heart and that it needed to claw and scratch me so that I wouldn't become completely lazy and worthless. It told me it wanted me to be beautiful and perfect. I knew that Bear was right and it was time for this part of me to change.
I picked up the cat and invited all of my animal council to come and help the cat to change. The cat clawed at my arms but it had lost the power to hurt me... It was especially afraid of Stella even though the snake did not have any ill will toward the cat. All of my animals gave thier power to aid the transformation, and the cat blew up, black fur went flying. Inside was a huge golden Ginea Pig. The Ginea Pig was bigger than the cat, but was happy and gentle. I'm calling him Goldey. He knows that he has a smaller job than the rest of the animals. He told me that he has a good memory, and he's good at organizing things. He told me that he would remind me of the things that needed to get done, but that it's up to me to do them. I really like him and I want to make him feel valued by listening to him, but I know that sometimes the needs of the others are going to be more important.