Starting over

[jovialien]

Pairings: Rose, 10.5
Ratings: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for Journeys end? Come on, you must have seen it by now.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just like to get out of my head and into theirs from time to time
Summary: Rose finally has everything she could ever ask for, her happy ever after. So why is she suddenly having second thoughts?

The first week had passed in a complete blur. Having to get back home from Norway had been hard enough, especially as no one had thought to take their passport to a parallel dimension and the Doctor naturally didn’t have one in the first place. It had taken a few well placed calls, a fair bit of money and some fast talking with UNIT and Torchwood to get around that.

Then Torchwood and UNIT had insisted on (and fought over) debriefing the Doctor, questioning him about all sorts of things and pretty much just encouraging him to talk; encouragement was usually the last thing he needed in that department and the interviews would generally go on until biology took over and forced them to take a break. Human biology that is. The Doctor was still adjusting to some of the nuances of his new body and occasionally missed the cues that even small children understood, even sometimes falling asleep mid sentence as the exhaustion caught up with him.

Of course it wasn’t just UNIT and Torchwood who were demanding his time, Jackie and Pete were enjoying the stories swapping tales of Cybermen for Sontarans. Even little Tony was getting in on the act, fascinated by the Doctor’s manic movements and strange voice.

After all the effort and time and heartache and sheer determination it had taken Rose to see him again, to actually get him here, it suddenly seemed like everyone around her was more excited than she was.

She had been focusing so hard on getting back to him, on leaving this universe, her job and even her family behind to get back to him she had never really settled here. Her job had simply been a way to keep looking for a way back to him, a means to an end. She had never really stopped to enjoy it or bother to make new friends.

Rose had always been a stranger in this universe, feeling as though she didn’t belong here, and hadn’t stopped to think what she would actually do if she was stuck here forever. And she had certainly never even dreamed of the Doctor being here, with them.

That one kiss, that promise to grow old with her, had made her heart soar, as though everything was finally coming right. This was her happy ever after, she was getting everything she had ever wanted, her Doctor and her family in one go, not having to be torn between the two. Hell, with Torchwood in the mix she even got all the alien adventures she could ever want.

So why was she suddenly so unsure?

*****************************************

Rose sat in her Torchwood office, lost in her thoughts, as she fiddled with the pen that was floating an inch off her desk, held in place by what seemed to be magic. The reality was far less inspiring and simple magnets. It wasn’t alien tech, unlike the shelves in her office which were covered with mysterious trinkets and artefacts she was working on (or just liked the look of).

The pen was pure human invention, a silly toy Ri - Mickey, had once given her. He had joked that with so much alien tech around it got too easy to see magic where there was just something mundane. But it was also a reminder to never stop enjoying it for what it was, and that humans had some pretty cool stuff too.

She missed him so much. He had been her only real friend here and without him she felt even more out of touch with this world, so unsure of her place here.

Rose jumped as the door swung open, the wooden edge banging in to the wall as the Doctor bounced in, familiar blue suit in place and a huge grin on his face.

“There you are, what you doing hiding in here? You won’t believe the morning I’ve had. Now you know me, normally I’m very cautious about human doctors, had a bad experience once, and I certainly don’t let just anyone examine me.” He came over to her desk and perched on the edge for a minute, gazing down at her whilst he gestured and carried on talking to her.

“But I wanted to know how this whole one heart thing would work out, and what else had changed, I mean no use going through life thinking I can use my respiratory bypass system if it’s not there any more - luckily it is, just not as efficient as before - and I had some scans and tests and it was actually sort of fun!”

Rose watched, about to reply, when he suddenly stood up again and starting bouncing around her office, pacing this way and that as his converse clad feet darted from one display to the next. He was touching, stroking, poking, sniffing and even licking the ones he found interesting. “Ooo, Balmoxian pearls, these are very valuable Rose, take good care of these!” He tossed the small blue and silver spheres to her, forcing her to lunge forward to grab them. He didn’t even notice her glare as he moved on to the next object.

He looked the same as he always, as this Doctor, always had. Same hair, same body, same restless energy. Definitely same mouth. To all intents and purposes he was exactly the same man.

So why was it all she could think whilst watching him was that she preferred the brown suit to the blue?

“Oh and you’re never going to believe this, I can type!” Turning to her again he began miming typing in thin air. “Proper touch typing, the whole qwerty keyboard and everything! 120 words per minute, better than even Donna, not bad eh? You know, they said if I ever get bored of the archives I can always switch into administration, try my hand at the old secretarial bit, isn’t that great?”

Rose suddenly had the mental image of him in a pencil skirt, fitted blouse, stockings and heels offering to do dictation for her. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at his excitement.

“I mean not that I would, well I’m not planning to, but it’s good to know in an emergency. Oh, OH and I almost forgot, I’ve now got a prostate!”

Rose let go of the pearls, the small spheres rolling across her desk and knocking the pen out of its magnetic field, the whole lot tumbling to the floor.

“You... You didn’t have one before?”

“Oh no, totally different wiring.” He bent down to quickly grab the pearls and pen from the floor and handed them back to her like an eager puppy playing fetch. “Although Jack did kindly describe it to me once and Time Lords do have something very similar. It doesn’t serve a function exactly but has similar side effects, especially when properly stim-“

“That’s great, really,” Rose quickly interrupted, a fake smile on her face.

“It’s not just that they checked out though, they’ve checked my skin and I really do now age at the same rate as humans. They said I’m in perfect shape of course,” he placed one hand on his hip and twisted to wink at her over his shoulder before being distracted by yet another object on her shelves. “Oh I love these, used to have one as a kid. Speaking of,” he added casually, engrossed in the twisting metal sculpture on the shelf, “there shouldn’t be any problem with us having kids, I’m fully functioning in that department.”

“Wait a minute!” Rose jumped out of her seat, launching herself to the side of the desk and holding her hands out as though to ward him off, almost as if she was expecting him to try to impregnate her right there and then. “We never- I’m not- You want kids?”

The Doctor turned to face her and pulled a face, looking at her as though she was being a dumb ape again. “I don’t mean right now of course, I just mean if we wanted to there wouldn’t be a problem. Not that Human and Time Lord biology isn’t mostly compatible anyway, I mean yes there can be issues with the immune response, but this way we wouldn’t even have that problem.”

Rose began to feel faint and backed over to the wall, her hands pressing against it as though to ground herself.

“Oh and I have an appendix too! Imagine it, a little appendix!” Pulling back his jacket he untucked his shirt and pointed to a spot on his side, grinning goofily as though introducing a pet puppy rather than a body part. “Brilliant huh? Completely inconsequential really, I mean I’d be fine with out it, but I have one!” He looked thoughtful for a moment, as he tucked his shirt back in, staring off into space. “I can even get appendicitis I guess. And colds. Shouldn’t be too much of a risk though, even without the TARDIS this old body absorbed enough background radiation to keep it safe for a few decades.”

“That’s... great,” Rose managed to reply weakly, trying to remember to keep breathing.

“Oh and I bumped into Pete at lunchtime, I said about the whole getting settled in bit and how we shouldn’t really impose on him for too long, and he said he’d help us buy a place! I was thinking somewhere close to here, possibly overlooking the river, although I guess you’ll want to stay close to your mum, but anyway I registered us with some estate agents, we should be getting some details through tomorrow and can start viewing this weekend if you like.”

“I... Not this weekend.”

“Next then, oh and the admin team are going to finally sort me out a passport, once I pick a name of course, and I was thinking maybe we should go away on a holiday, how about Barcelona, we never did make it to Barcelona?”

“I...”

“Oh is that the time? I promised Pete I’d help identify some artefacts that came through from Cardiff. It’s weird, the team there is completely different from our old universe, no Jack for starters, but the lead guy there has the nicest partner. I said we should all do dinner when they’re next in London for meetings. Anyway, must run, see you later!”

With that, he dashed out again, leaving Rose standing against the wall in the corner. As her office door closed behind him she sank down to the floor and tried to breathe deeply.

A job, a passport, Barcelona, an appendix, a double date, a flat and kids? And this was just his first week.

Bringing her knees up to her chest, Rose wrapped her arms around them and hugged herself tight, staring into space. Exploring the universe, untold dangers and an always changing home in the TARDIS was one thing. But suddenly the thought of spending every day for the rest of her life with the Doctor, here, working every day and growing old...

She was too young, she wasn’t ready, was she? She knew she loved him still but he was somehow different, everything was just so different now, it wasn’t what she’d spent the last few years imagining.

And after all that effort, all the worry she had put her family through, how could she possibly turn around now and admit she was having second thoughts?

*****************************************

Rose ate in silence at dinner, letting the sound of her mum and Pete and the Doctor talking wash over her. She had tuned out most of it, until her mum said her name and she looked back up, only half listening still.

“John Smith? On no, that’s boring! Rose Smith,” Jackie tried out thoughtfully, “doesn’t really go does it? What about that other doctor woman, the one who made you human?”

“Donna?” the Doctor asked through a mouthful of food.

“Yeah, that’s her, what was her last name, might that work?”

“Noble.” The Doctor swallowed his food and frowned. “I could be John Noble I suppose.”

“Rose Noble?” Pete said hesitantly. “Sounds like a perfume or cat food. You could always take her name and become a Tyler,” he suggested, pointing with his fork, “join the family properly.”

“John Tyler?” the Doctor mused. “I don’t know...”

“Doesn’t have to be John,” Jackie pointed out. “You could be, oh I don’t know... Hector?”

“Hector Tyler?” Pete laughed and shook his head. “No way.”

“What, it just sounds a bit like Doctor, I thought it would be easier for him to get used to.”

Rose suddenly couldn’t stand another mouthful, her stomach in knots, and she pushed back from the table. Making her excuses she slipped out of the room, not seeing the Doctor go silent for a moment, his eyes following her with concern. But she did hear Jackie joke that he could be Steve Tyler.

“Steve Tyler?” The Doctor said dismissively. “I don’t have the lips. I do have the hips though...”

Their laughter practically chased her up the stairs and she closed the door to her room quickly. Her room, not theirs. They hadn’t even had time to really kiss again, yet alone do anything more relationship wise yet. Rose flopped down onto her floral covered bed and stared at the ceiling. She didn’t really like how flowery her room was, but she had spent so little time there herself she hadn’t bothered to change it. Now, she was apparently getting a new house, and by the sounds of her parents, married...

She hadn’t even left home yet. Never went to college, or shared a flat with a few friends. Most of her friends had got out of home as soon as they could but she was still here, in her parent’s spare room as she couldn’t help thinking of it. Most of her friends had been busy building lives and planning for the future, whilst she’d been off travelling like some rich kid before University.

Was that what her life with the Doctor had been, a couple of years in the stars, all that wonder she had seen, was that nothing more than a gap year and a few tales to tell the grandchildren about before settling down?

Was this really her life?

She didn’t get up as the door opened and instead carried on staring at the ceiling. She could tell by his shadow on the wall that it was him though, even before he spoke.

“You alright?”

“Fine, I just wasn’t hungry.”

The Doctor lay down beside her, resting his hands on his stomach, and looked up at the ceiling with her. “Yeah, your mum’s cooking has that effect on me too.” She could see him out of the corner of her eye, turning his head to look at her and try to catch her smiling. “She’s not too bad with roast potatoes but-“

“It’s not the cooking, ok?” Rose snapped back.

“Right,” the Doctor looked back up at the ceiling again, his expression serious again. “Yes, of course, gorgeous food. I’ve certainly never tasted anything like it anywhere in the universe.”

She couldn’t help a small smile tugging at her lips at the thought of the Risotto they had tried to eat earlier. Her mum had been branching out into new cuisines with sometimes disastrous results. “I’ll make sure I get the recipes before we move into this new flat then,” she said without enthusiasm.

“Maaaaaaaaaaaaaybe I should learn to cook, that might be fun,” the Doctor hastily added. “I’ve got more time on my hands at the moment. Which is an odd expression for a Time Lord. Well, an ex Time Lord...” His voice softened for a moment and she looked over, seeing the slight sadness on his face for the first time.

“Do you miss it?” she asked gently.

“What, me? Nah, more trouble than it’s worth,” he added unconvincingly.

Rose hesitated, unsure whether to finally admit it or to keep pretending, keep the happy face going and hiding what she was really feeling. Turning onto her side she looked at him closely. “I miss it.”

“Oh thank goodness,” the Doctor sighed, twisting to face her too. “I just didn’t want to mention it in case you didn’t and I sounded like I was being pathetic. Or in case you did more than me and it would just rub in what you can’t have.”

“What we can’t have you mean. It was your life first.” She hesitated again, looking down at her fingers, her hand flat on the bed as she spoke. “I was just passing through, it was always going to end for me. But you, you belong on the TARDIS.”

The Doctor placed his hand over hers, tilting his head to look into her eyes. “I belong with you. I’ll do whatever it takes, I’ll... become a waiter, or shine shoes, or sell newspapers. I’d be good at that; I’ve certainly got the mouth for it.”

Rose laughed in spite of herself but shook her head slowly. “But it wouldn’t be you. I don’t want you stuck in some dead end job just so we can be together. You should be out there, exploring, having adventures.”

“It wouldn’t be the same,” he said quietly.

“I guess not,” she admitted. “No time and space and aliens, would be quite a comedown for you.”

“I don’t mean that,” he said, using his fingertips to gently tilt her chin up to look at him properly. “I mean it wouldn’t be the same, being out there, exploring... without you to share it with.”

“So... you’d rather settle down, get a nice flat somewhere, work for Torchwood?” she asked disbelievingly.

“I...”

Pulling back, Rose sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. “See this is what is driving me mad, you’ve changed and I don’t know who you are any more. The Doctor I knew, he didn’t do domestic, that wasn’t him. This, all this, he would have gone completely crazy. He wouldn’t have done all this, not even-“

She didn’t finish, but she felt the bed move as the Doctor shifted to sit up beside her. “He would have for you.”

“And he would have hated it inside. No matter how much he loved me, he’d always blame me for it. Just as you will.”

“You think I will blame you for being able to spend my life with you?” he asked incredulously. “Oh that’s just ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Pushing off the bed she stood up and turned to face him, her hands out in front of her and motioning as she talked. “This isn’t some game or a fun new adventure you can run away from and move on to the next planet. We’re stuck here, we’re stuck in this universe - we’re stuck on this planet! And it’s not like you chose to stay with me, he left you here!”

“Wait,” the Doctor cried out as he jumped up off the bed and began to pace, the familiar energy seeming to seep out of him with every step. “You think that just because I didn’t plan to come to a parallel universe, become half human and break through the very walls of a universe itself to be with you that I don’t want to be here? Oh that’s just ridiculous.”

“Is it?” she challenged. “You’ve barely even looked at me this week, you, you’ve been running around talking about how great it will be to live here and pretending like it’s all fine but you never talk to me. You never ask how I feel, whether I want any of this, you just carry on making decisions and planning everything-“

“You never talk to me either, I’ve just become half human, I can die now Rose, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and that’s it, and that’s scary you know, but oh no, you never ask how I feel, it’s all about you. I haven’t actually lived on Earth properly before, it’s a whole new culture, it may as well be another world. But as someone has to do something about it, it might as well be me. I’m pretty good at planning and doing stuff on my own you know, it’s worked well for me for eight hundred odd years-“

“Stop treating me like a child!” Rose practically screamed at him, backing away a little. “Is this what it will be like for the rest of our lives, every time I object I’m going to be made to feel like a little kid compared to your great experience and know it all mind?!”

“And are you going to avoid me and not talk to me for the rest of our lives, just let it fester and build until you explode and blame me for everything? You say I’ve changed, well you’ve changed too!”

“So that’s it then,” she shouted back angrily, “you don’t want me, I don’t want you, let’s stop pretending and just-“

Rose jumped as he strode forward and grabbed her shoulders, leaning in to kiss her fiercely. Surprised, she was torn between kissing him back and pushing him away, instead settling for a shocked squeal. Pulling back, the Doctor looked down at her strangely.

“Would your Doctor have done that?” he asked softly, stroking her hair back from her face so tenderly she felt her anger draining away a little.

“No...” Pulling back, she finally pushed him away, slapping him off her but grinning slightly. “And you are not getting out if this that easily.”

Laughing, the Doctor pulled back and sat down on the bed, crossing his ankles and leaning back on his hands. “And the Rose I first met was an only child, working in a shop and dating an idiot. And look at you now! You’re brilliant, been organising teams and doing all that strategy stuff and you, you even crossed entire dimensions just to try and get me back.”

“Yeah, well,” Rose said with a small smile, her tongue flicking over her lip as she spoke. “I’m still not sure that was a good idea after all, so don’t get too big headed will ya?”

“The point is, yes I’ve changed. And you’ve changed. And your mum, blimey has she changed, have you seen that wardrobe, it’s bigger than your old flat! But change isn’t always bad.” Rising to his feet again he stood before her, hands in his pockets and a sheepish grin on his face. “I mean I’m not exactly the same brooding hunk you first met either. And you coped then.”

Rose tucked her hands into her jeans pockets, mirroring him subconsciously and nodded slowly. “That’s different though.”

“Is it?” Shrugging, the Doctor turned away and began to leave. “I guess you really did just love me for my TARDIS then. Chicks always dig the TARDIS...”

“Don’t be daft-“ Rose stepped after him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Why not, it’s what got you to come with me in the first place and now I haven’t got one any more you don’t want me.” Turning to face her anger he put on a mock confused face that she had never seen on him before. “Brain the size of mine, you think I can’t see it?”

“You really think I only loved you for your ship?” Rose asked, looking hurt.

“Oh no, not just the ship, the whole package, you, me, life in the stars, it was never me you wanted it was the life!”

“That’s not true-“

“Then why don’t you want me any more? Rose, I’ve got so much to give you now, so much more than I ever could. We can have a life together, you don’t have to choose between me and your family, there’s no finality to it, you get a chance to have it all. We have a real chance to make a life together and grow old together and just be normal, Rose, you and me.”

“Normal,” she repeated quietly.

“As normal as you like, the job, the two weeks on the beach once a year, the arguing over the TV remote, whatever you want.” He looked so eager as he spoke, Rose couldn’t help feeling guilty. He would do all that for her.

“But I don’t want you to be normal,” she finally admitted. “I want us to be more than that, you and me, we, we, we were meant to be explorers, the stuff of legend! Doctor, I’m not even twenty five yet, I still have a few years before I want to even think about most of that stuff.” Stepping closer, she slid her finger over his chest coyly, a smile on her lips. “Not that I don’t want some of it. I just... I don’t want to get married - yet anyway. I don’t want to have Sunday lunch with my folks every weekend and just be normal. I want some fun, I want to be fabulous!”

“Oh thank goodness for that...” the Doctor sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You have no idea how insane Pete has been driving me.”

Laughing, Rose wrapped her arms around him and held on tight as he hugged her back, still not sure if this was right but feeling more hopeful than she had in a long time. “You don’t want a flat?”

“I don’t want a flat. Wellllll, maybe a place we can use as a base when we’re in London. But why stay in one city, we may not have the whole of time and space any more but we do have a whole planet. We’ve got mountains and oceans and jungles, there’s more than enough to see in one lifetime.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Holding her close, the Doctor shivered slightly and rested his head next to hers. “I’ve only got one life now Rose. And I don’t know how long that’s going to be or even what sort of human I’ll make. But I’d like to find out with you. If you want me.”

Laughing softly, Rose pulled back and looked up at him. “Of course I want you, you daft sod.” Nodding to herself she took his hand in hers and squeezed it tight. “Let’s make a deal. We take it one step at a time. No rushing into stuff.”

“No rushing.”

“I want to take this slow,” she added quickly. “I want to get to know this new you again.”

“Now that sounds promising...” the Doctor said with a wicked grin, making her laugh once more and poke him in the ribs.

“Not in my parents house it’s not.” She smiled softly and considered for a moment. “So maybe we should get that flat soon after all.”

“Mmmmm I can live with that.”

“And no promises,” she said calmly, gazing up into his eyes. “We both just see where this goes. No pressure for a bit. We’ll sort all of that stuff when we come to it.”

“Sounds very good to me.”

Rose slid back into his arms again and held on tight, taking in the scent of him and the feel of his arms around her. She’d missed him so much. But there would be time to talk about that, to speak of the long nights spent wrapped around her pillow and crying for him. There would be time to hold him tight and talk about his fears, the pain at missing his old life, the worry over friends left behind. There would be time to talk about everything, all the changes and all the fears. But it didn’t have to all be tonight.

Taking his hand in hers again, Rose slid from his arms and pulled him over to the bed, lying down on the covers and pulling him back into her arms again. Stroking his hair, she looked into his eyes and smiled softly. She still wasn’t sure.

They were both different now, they could still drive each other insane with his rudeness and her holding back, keeping it all in as she had had to in order to cope. They were both older, if not wiser, and who knew what their future held, either one of them could still decide to walk away; time, death or simply a normal life could still pull them apart. They could grow apart rather than grow together.

They were changing. But, Rose thought to herself, hopefully for the better.

“Soooo,” the Doctor finally asked quietly. “What do you think my name should be? Shall I become a Tyler?”

“I don’t mind,” Rose answered with a chuckle, snuggling against his chest and suddenly noticing that, actually, the blue suit did look just as good on him as the brown. “As long as we decide together.”