remembrance of the past that brings pleasure
just needed to do one final closure and to explain certain things to my friends.
this morning i woke up feeling rather depressed and it's about the same old thing again. i am getting tired of it. he's probably getting drained cos of it too and i dont want us to feel so sian-ed everyday thinking abt the same old thing that should have been settled a long time ago.
i know its already july the 2nd but i just cant help it. its a long time already but cos it was left hanging there i couldnt help it but hope for the better. since what, 12th of december? sigh. i cleared my sms inbox today and i saw so many old and familiar messages. messages that will jeopardise the friendship if i continue keeping them. so as i read through one final time, i realised a lot of factors that made the whole relationship impossible. and i sent him a 6-msg long sms telling him that too. better to make a clean cut and a much comfortable closure too. we have left it hanging for too long and its making things difficult for both of us.
let me tell you what made me do this today. last saturday he smsed me and it was a pretty random one. he asked if we could talk over the phone. even though i was really tired (i had been working since 9am that day) and it was already approaching 12mn, i agreed and so we talked over the phone. he was freaking quiet. he was pretty reserved and he sounded uncomfortable. so even though i was struggling to stay awake, i kept talking to make the atmosphere less tense. and he told me he was sorry for sounding so sian and it may be cos of his fatigue. nevermind that. we talked abt stuff and he told me i will find someone better, and that we were too immature the last time. for some incredulous reason, i felt sad and angry after hearing all those things he said. and since it was approaching 1am already, i told him i needed to sleep and hung up shortly after. that night, i chose not to think abt it. the next day was worse. he sent me a sms apologising for his sian-ness the night before. it didnt make me feel uncomfortable - it made me angry. angry at how he wants to be my friend yet still sound so unsure and uneasy abt it. since there is absolutely no way we can be together, can he at least sound more cheerful talking to me? i tried my best to be cheerful but he isnt helping me with all those sian-ness being around me. do i really make you feel that bored? he is the one who isnt making things easy for me. i know its not nice of me to push the blame but hey, i'm not doing exactly fine either. i dont want it to end in such a unpleasant fashion. if we are to be friends, we can do better than this right? i am sure i wasnt the immature one, i just wasnt observant enough back then - to recognise that it was just a simple puppy love episode that wont go further than where it was. (now that as i type this down, i'm starting to feel a tad better too.)
i'm having a million questions and thoughts running through my head now but i just cant express them in words now x( but now that its over, i guess there isnt a point in me saying all those things too. but i do wanna thank him for having given everything much thought and for every other things he did.
all the crying's been done,
all the lament will be sung,
all the sadness will be over,
what's left will be memories of the happier things we've did.
*remembrance of the past that brings pleasure.