Hold my hand, just in case.
Hi,
There has been a lot of zoning out that happened since the past week. I blame it on books, television programs, movies and particularly, music. I tend to lose myself in a lot of songs recently. It's kind of escapist, actually. Whenever I feel overwhelmed by a lot of feelings, I go online to listen to my favorite songs. I don't have an mp3 player but I have this playlist on MySpace; it really helps. Or sometimes, I just go to Youtube.
Today, I decided to just listen to Avicii's Fade into Darkness because it matched my general mood- romantically hopeful, trying hard to be brave. I downloaded it off Youtube and decided to play it on loop since I found it tiring to click Youtube's play again button time and again every time it stops. I'm actually listening to it now. Here, check it, the music video is actually bittersweet. One comment said it's the story of an assassin who fell in love with her target. Check the ending. My kind of stories.
I first heard it in a party, I just don't know exactly where. But I remember dancing to this song like I was high. I think it was one of those songs you'll appreciate more if you were stoned. I said I think because I never really got stoned ever in my life. Although I would be lying if I say I'm dismissing the idea entirely.
I like this song because every time I hear it, it drowns me enough to momentarily forget the things running in my head. I'm a bit scared and sad recently. My family problems make it really hard for me to sleep every night. I found out last week that Dada has two lumps in his tummy and he's having a difficulty moving about. If you don't know it yet, Dada is my father and he has prostate cancer for more than two years now. It makes me cry sometimes, although whenever I do I make sure I'm alone and no one sees and hears me. I hate my brother so much for not doing anything about it and for making matters worse. My sister's having a problem with her husband, which depresses me because I love my sister. My mother's always asking me for money for Dada's medication, and I can tell she feels bad about it because she always apologizes. It hurts me a lot every time she does that. I love my mother and I perfectly understand what we're going through. I'm just sad that what I'm doing really isn't just enough. I could use some miracles, but I know I can't just rely on them.
I'm having issues with friends; I just recently decided to sever ties with one, because he joined a fraternity despite my effort to convince him otherwise. I don't want him to get hurt, and quite frankly, I don't want him have a new set of friends he'll be spending more time with. But he's now a member, and I could only respect his right to exercise his choice. I'm really hurt because I really love this friend. But I don't understand him anymore, and it makes me sad. Maybe some friends just really grow apart. It happens.
Recently, I don't know what to make out of my life anymore. I deferred my graduate studies application, I'm pondering whether I work abroad or stay with my current job. I feel guilty about the fact that my life's better than that of my parents. I know I sound like a jaded twentysomething but I think there really are these kinds of moments when you just want to stop thinking and feel numb just for a while. I don't want to sound like a brat because I know people out there are having it worse, but this is already too much, and I am feeling every bit of it every day.
I just want to think about clear blue skies and happy days. But everything looks dark, really.
There has been a lot of zoning out that happened since the past week. I blame it on books, television programs, movies and particularly, music. I tend to lose myself in a lot of songs recently. It's kind of escapist, actually. Whenever I feel overwhelmed by a lot of feelings, I go online to listen to my favorite songs. I don't have an mp3 player but I have this playlist on MySpace; it really helps. Or sometimes, I just go to Youtube.
Today, I decided to just listen to Avicii's Fade into Darkness because it matched my general mood- romantically hopeful, trying hard to be brave. I downloaded it off Youtube and decided to play it on loop since I found it tiring to click Youtube's play again button time and again every time it stops. I'm actually listening to it now. Here, check it, the music video is actually bittersweet. One comment said it's the story of an assassin who fell in love with her target. Check the ending. My kind of stories.
Click to viewI first heard it in a party, I just don't know exactly where. But I remember dancing to this song like I was high. I think it was one of those songs you'll appreciate more if you were stoned. I said I think because I never really got stoned ever in my life. Although I would be lying if I say I'm dismissing the idea entirely.
I like this song because every time I hear it, it drowns me enough to momentarily forget the things running in my head. I'm a bit scared and sad recently. My family problems make it really hard for me to sleep every night. I found out last week that Dada has two lumps in his tummy and he's having a difficulty moving about. If you don't know it yet, Dada is my father and he has prostate cancer for more than two years now. It makes me cry sometimes, although whenever I do I make sure I'm alone and no one sees and hears me. I hate my brother so much for not doing anything about it and for making matters worse. My sister's having a problem with her husband, which depresses me because I love my sister. My mother's always asking me for money for Dada's medication, and I can tell she feels bad about it because she always apologizes. It hurts me a lot every time she does that. I love my mother and I perfectly understand what we're going through. I'm just sad that what I'm doing really isn't just enough. I could use some miracles, but I know I can't just rely on them.
I'm having issues with friends; I just recently decided to sever ties with one, because he joined a fraternity despite my effort to convince him otherwise. I don't want him to get hurt, and quite frankly, I don't want him have a new set of friends he'll be spending more time with. But he's now a member, and I could only respect his right to exercise his choice. I'm really hurt because I really love this friend. But I don't understand him anymore, and it makes me sad. Maybe some friends just really grow apart. It happens.
Recently, I don't know what to make out of my life anymore. I deferred my graduate studies application, I'm pondering whether I work abroad or stay with my current job. I feel guilty about the fact that my life's better than that of my parents. I know I sound like a jaded twentysomething but I think there really are these kinds of moments when you just want to stop thinking and feel numb just for a while. I don't want to sound like a brat because I know people out there are having it worse, but this is already too much, and I am feeling every bit of it every day.
I just want to think about clear blue skies and happy days. But everything looks dark, really.