A learning process.
I have real issues with figures of authority. Mostly because I feel i should be in a position of authority. Not so that I can dominate people, but so that I can get away from the generalized tasks set before individuals when they are mere workers.
This isn't meant to offend anyone, I mean there are some people that are perfectly content being a "worker." The common thread of my disdain for my jobs has been the feeling of inferiority, the desire to be in a higher ranking position and the ultimate neglect in obtaining such positions. My problem is that when I want something, I want it immediately. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and you have to tow the line. This is my greatest frustration in life. I just want to have respect given to me - possibly as a tie in to my low-self esteem. But more importantly, I would rather be in the back, doing paperwork, than in the front, slinging java.
That's why I am looking for a new job - and I don't think I'll settle till I find one that gives me a position of authority. Life's tough. Work's tougher. I think its time for me to toughen up - easier said than done, and I'm not entirely sure how. So I brood, and its visibile to the people around me. That doesn't make people like me or want to be close to me, all it does is alienate the people that have heretofore been my admirerers or my friends.
This job does suck, though. The veneer has worn off and the repetition has kicked in. Don't you hate it when things lose their original lustre? I know I do.
Namaste,
Tim