(no subject)
I'd write this out by hand but here it seems more natural, for now.
I've been staring out the windows in the car every night taken to a different place in time. It made me happy except for tonight. No, tonight the feelings were not obliging that arose from the tall buildings, flashing lights, and billboard signs rushing past. That doesn't really matter now both the good and the bad memories fade out. I just feel hallow and I've been racking my brain trying to come up with someone I could talk to about this. I wanted to say it out loud. Stir, shake, repeat. Same thing, same thing, over and over I know.
On the way home tonight I just snapped. My reasonable no, no, no I wont ask for this and I'll refuse that knowing I don't need it. We don't need it. I wanted it. Tonight by the end I needed it. I couldn't keep my humor and sarcasm balanced and in step smiling and joking and fidgeting with my skirt like I usually do. I wanted to scream and have somebody comfort me this time. Why so needy? I don't know I'm not used to needing anything like that. I couldn't make any decisions and then I'd walk around in circles for ten minutes while she slapped down door mats trying to find one just the right shade of brown. I made a few remarks of how they were just meant to be stepped all over, like us. No reply, she wasn't listening. Circles again. If anyone had been watching me I'm sure I would have made them dizzy zig zagging past pillows and blankets and curtains. When my silence was mistaken for anger while I was merely trying to keep from saying the wrong thing is when I could feel all the tight bound strings in my chest snap. One by one unraveling and then all I wanted was to curl up in the passenger side front seat of the car and drive forever warm and away. Then I was angry because my feelings are always misinterpreted and I've bent myself backwards asking if everyone else is okay. I'll write you 200 words on why you should be happy again and why you're worth more then that because I want you to feel better, thank you.
One two three I tried to keep my mind away from everything when we got to the parking lot. I said it wasn't her fault when she mumbled she didn't mean to put me in a bad mood. I wanted to drop the two ninety nine cent glasses that were in the bag with her fake flowers that she couldn't decide would match her carpet. Everything else was hers, why not break what was mine and just leave with an even nothing?
So we stopped for gas and I pleaded in my head "please god make me happy again" and once her door slammed shut I couldn't hold back to two heavy tears that slid from my eyes. I don't know if I was crying because I don't believe in a god or the fact that no one knew I was hurting. I can almost feel it deep in my heart when someone I care about is sad, even when I'm far away I feel it. I wiped my face and stood still all the way back trying to relax and wishing to not be so selfish, stop being so spoiled.
Home. I grabbed a bag and waited by the door and when it was unlocked I put the bag down in the kitchen and closed the blinds. I walked back to my room grabbed a blanket shut my door all but a crack and lied down in bed. I weighed my options of calling a few people and dismissed the idea, it's Friday night their busy. Staring at my ceiling clearing my head freezing and wanting the other half of my bed to not be so empty. Twenty minutes later she's come back to my door asking if I'm okay, I shrug at first but she asks if I'm mad at her. I choke out no I'm okay she doesn't hear and I say no I'm not mad I'm okay and I'm surprised by my voice coming out clear and sounding beyond "okay". I felt worse again, would you think I was okay? Laying in bed hunched under a blanket flat on my back from the neck down to my ankles where my feet are sticking up with my shoes still on. I guess I just feel lonely. I just remember on the freeway thinking I just wanted to be with someone else. Driving somewhere that wasn't here and that I wouldn't be home for hours. I guess I'm always wanting something. I guess I'm just always feeling selfish.
And to think all of that over, for the most part, a blanket and meandering thoughts of an ex boyfriend who's memory I couldn't shake.
I wish I had something happy to write here. I wish I had something worth reading to say. Worth writing to say. This is just tonight. Tonight will be tomorrow soon and I'm glad enough for that.
I've been staring out the windows in the car every night taken to a different place in time. It made me happy except for tonight. No, tonight the feelings were not obliging that arose from the tall buildings, flashing lights, and billboard signs rushing past. That doesn't really matter now both the good and the bad memories fade out. I just feel hallow and I've been racking my brain trying to come up with someone I could talk to about this. I wanted to say it out loud. Stir, shake, repeat. Same thing, same thing, over and over I know.
On the way home tonight I just snapped. My reasonable no, no, no I wont ask for this and I'll refuse that knowing I don't need it. We don't need it. I wanted it. Tonight by the end I needed it. I couldn't keep my humor and sarcasm balanced and in step smiling and joking and fidgeting with my skirt like I usually do. I wanted to scream and have somebody comfort me this time. Why so needy? I don't know I'm not used to needing anything like that. I couldn't make any decisions and then I'd walk around in circles for ten minutes while she slapped down door mats trying to find one just the right shade of brown. I made a few remarks of how they were just meant to be stepped all over, like us. No reply, she wasn't listening. Circles again. If anyone had been watching me I'm sure I would have made them dizzy zig zagging past pillows and blankets and curtains. When my silence was mistaken for anger while I was merely trying to keep from saying the wrong thing is when I could feel all the tight bound strings in my chest snap. One by one unraveling and then all I wanted was to curl up in the passenger side front seat of the car and drive forever warm and away. Then I was angry because my feelings are always misinterpreted and I've bent myself backwards asking if everyone else is okay. I'll write you 200 words on why you should be happy again and why you're worth more then that because I want you to feel better, thank you.
One two three I tried to keep my mind away from everything when we got to the parking lot. I said it wasn't her fault when she mumbled she didn't mean to put me in a bad mood. I wanted to drop the two ninety nine cent glasses that were in the bag with her fake flowers that she couldn't decide would match her carpet. Everything else was hers, why not break what was mine and just leave with an even nothing?
So we stopped for gas and I pleaded in my head "please god make me happy again" and once her door slammed shut I couldn't hold back to two heavy tears that slid from my eyes. I don't know if I was crying because I don't believe in a god or the fact that no one knew I was hurting. I can almost feel it deep in my heart when someone I care about is sad, even when I'm far away I feel it. I wiped my face and stood still all the way back trying to relax and wishing to not be so selfish, stop being so spoiled.
Home. I grabbed a bag and waited by the door and when it was unlocked I put the bag down in the kitchen and closed the blinds. I walked back to my room grabbed a blanket shut my door all but a crack and lied down in bed. I weighed my options of calling a few people and dismissed the idea, it's Friday night their busy. Staring at my ceiling clearing my head freezing and wanting the other half of my bed to not be so empty. Twenty minutes later she's come back to my door asking if I'm okay, I shrug at first but she asks if I'm mad at her. I choke out no I'm okay she doesn't hear and I say no I'm not mad I'm okay and I'm surprised by my voice coming out clear and sounding beyond "okay". I felt worse again, would you think I was okay? Laying in bed hunched under a blanket flat on my back from the neck down to my ankles where my feet are sticking up with my shoes still on. I guess I just feel lonely. I just remember on the freeway thinking I just wanted to be with someone else. Driving somewhere that wasn't here and that I wouldn't be home for hours. I guess I'm always wanting something. I guess I'm just always feeling selfish.
And to think all of that over, for the most part, a blanket and meandering thoughts of an ex boyfriend who's memory I couldn't shake.
I wish I had something happy to write here. I wish I had something worth reading to say. Worth writing to say. This is just tonight. Tonight will be tomorrow soon and I'm glad enough for that.