But what starts with desire can turn into need
It seems as though I'm getting a stronger hold on things. I'm feeling halfway grounded and it's weird to be able to feel the ground beneath me. In most ways I prefer the feeling of being to high above to get a sturdy grip on anything even if it leaves me at my wits ends at times. I have no fear about that though because that all will flood back in due time, it always does. I'm pretty happy with myself also and now things that are appealing to me are dancing around downstairs with Mirah blasting and cleaning. Dusting, sweeping, scrub-a-dub-dubbing away all the dirt and clutter and pain and head aches and negative energy I can find. Sitting on top of the kitchen table and drinking tea while talking to someone about how "life is treating them". If only I could find a tea I liked, and would actually get up and clean clean clean my heart out and have someone with an ear willing to listen and lips willing to speak to me. My inhibitions are down and it's becoming blatantly obvious. Luckily I'm taking it to my advantage. If only the weather would stay this way windy and slightly warm. Sweater warm though. I remember just last week driving down the neighborhood entrance streets and the way the tree's hung over like a semi circle canopy and I leaned my body completely to the left and the view was so lovely.
My head and feet are aching still and my nerves are shot. I'm finding it harder to avert my gaze and my hearing when the blood and gore is everywhere. I can't let myself get consumed because I know what will happen. I remember years ago sitting in front of the TV pushing back tears. I can't stand it and it all makes me so sick and now my headache is escalating. Still It's something none of us can escape and I accept it.
I haven't spent more then an hour or two in my room besides laying down and sleeping for the last four days. Ever sense we began the move everything is upside down and my room doesn't feel like I've lived in it all my life. Even that's not true in reality I've only had my own room in this house for nine years. Nine years of my life splattered across those walls, that carpet, the doors, the paint. It's become surreal being here and I find myself seriously torn between the new house and this one. I generally feel like I don't belong in either place. It's the kind of feeling I find I seem to put myself into more often then not. Now more I wish I was less home dependant more then ever because I feel like I need to keep moving. My fingers itch to be busy, my mind throbbing to go wild, my feet tap tap tapping trying to tell me to get moving. It really is enough to drive a girl mad. Luckily I've already past GO on that trip around the board.
My minds shifting to fast for me to concentrate and I feel bad but it's the best I can do to keep in one place for a long period of time like I have to now. If you 're not on my other journals friends list note to you that my computer has crashed and my posting is more erratic then usual because of it. I'm hoping no one will remove me because of it and I hope everyone is content.
i want you to need me; to not go away
My head and feet are aching still and my nerves are shot. I'm finding it harder to avert my gaze and my hearing when the blood and gore is everywhere. I can't let myself get consumed because I know what will happen. I remember years ago sitting in front of the TV pushing back tears. I can't stand it and it all makes me so sick and now my headache is escalating. Still It's something none of us can escape and I accept it.
I haven't spent more then an hour or two in my room besides laying down and sleeping for the last four days. Ever sense we began the move everything is upside down and my room doesn't feel like I've lived in it all my life. Even that's not true in reality I've only had my own room in this house for nine years. Nine years of my life splattered across those walls, that carpet, the doors, the paint. It's become surreal being here and I find myself seriously torn between the new house and this one. I generally feel like I don't belong in either place. It's the kind of feeling I find I seem to put myself into more often then not. Now more I wish I was less home dependant more then ever because I feel like I need to keep moving. My fingers itch to be busy, my mind throbbing to go wild, my feet tap tap tapping trying to tell me to get moving. It really is enough to drive a girl mad. Luckily I've already past GO on that trip around the board.
My minds shifting to fast for me to concentrate and I feel bad but it's the best I can do to keep in one place for a long period of time like I have to now. If you 're not on my other journals friends list note to you that my computer has crashed and my posting is more erratic then usual because of it. I'm hoping no one will remove me because of it and I hope everyone is content.
i want you to need me; to not go away