well, i'm an idiot
the hair that grows on my face was getting long, so i went to cut it with my electric beard trimmer. so i trimmed it as short as it would go and it felt nice.
then i set it on the longest setting (about 3/4 inch), and started cutting the hair on my head, which i've done before, and it works out pretty decently. it took about 20 minutes, then i set the trimmer at a medium setting to, yes, sculpt the sideburns.
but i forgot i put it at a medium setting when i ran the razor through my hair one last time, leaving a big line starting at my left ear and trailing off toward my right shoulder.
now i am in placerville, and i believe this look is a style of sorts here. but i'm coming back to santa cruz on monday night and they won't stand for it there. so i had to finish the job and now i have really short hair that kind of reminds me of harry osborn in the spiderman comics.
there's even a website about how freaky osborn family hair is.