(Private.)
I don't want him to go home for Christmas. Entirely selfish, as I don't understand it and I've never celebrated it and I'm not sure I know how to do Christmas.
I've only had one. And I was obviously not very good at it. I've never had Izzy for Christmas and this is Isaac's first, which again I wont be there for, and I think it's a bigger deal for kids than it is for everyone else. Maybe I would understand it a little better if I had them around but to me its just this day that happens where your supposed to be surrounded by family and if you're not you're made to feel it, and I've always just been alone on December 25th, annoyed that the only take out I can get is chow mien.
Well, that's not true. There was the first Christmas Dan spent in London, still desperate to avoid his mother's disapproving eye and purposly forgetting to board his train home. It was strange, waking up with that nagging feeling I should do something for him and not knowing why. I can still remember the look on his face when presented with his Christmas lunch- limited edition turkey pot noodle, half a kitkat and my last bottle of stella. That night we ordered special fried rice and watched christmas specials on bbc 2. It felt special enough I suppose, but only because of him.
Then there was the Christmas Sasha came out in the snow. She must of been freezing but she's very good at humoring me. Ever patient Sasha. She'll never know how she looked to me then, snow catching in her curls as she helped me make a Snowman, letting me cajole her into making angels and trying to find anywhere that was selling coffee so we could warm up. Again, another Christmas that had felt like magic, but not because of a man in a red suit.
it feels stupid asking anyone to see me on Christmas, it's just another day to me, it has no traditions, and no meaning, it's just December 25th, the day the World shuts down and you can never get a taxi. Maybe it's just because I know everyone else will be with people they love? That might be it. Asking to see anyone at Christmas always feels like an invasion, but with everybody seeing someone else and the streets deserted sometimes it feels like I must be the only man in the world, that I've survived some white powder Apocalypse and remain doomed to walk the earth, looking for some other dark shadow in the blizzard.
I think they know. They couldn't not know. It's so stupid, so so stupid. I don't know why I'm doing it except that I can and I'm incredibly hedonistic. Mephedrone, though, Jon Boy? Really? That it's come to this. It feels like coke though, and looks like coke, but it isn't coke, and I'm not an arsehole on it. God it's lovely though- to feel that upbeat, to want to chat and go out again and, fuck, all the problems in the world that just melt away. You're never on your own when you're out of your head. It's even worth the comedown. Just until the holidays pass and then I'll be clean, properly clean, maybe some pills on my birthday or once a month or something, or a line or two of speed before a night out, but no more than that. Anyway it was legal until summer, if it was legal now then there would be no issue at all, people get drunk to the point of passing out or smoke themselves to sleep every night- I don't understand how I'm the one with the problem anyway. I like things that keep me up and they like things that drag you down and absolutely everyone has these urges to fuck around with their body chemicals to feel different ways of being and I won't be guilt tripped into feeling bad by a wife who's already left me and friends who are never there. I don't have any responsibilities, and I have nowhere to go at Christmas, and they always forget my special days anyway, always, so I have to make them special by myself.
Just until the holiday season is over. Then I'll calm down and go back to blah.
How the Hell do you find yourself at 35 with no one to spend Christmas with you?
One more line and then I'll try to sleep. To cut through this comedown, half a line, even.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the high is so delightful, so since I've got ten grams or so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
I've only had one. And I was obviously not very good at it. I've never had Izzy for Christmas and this is Isaac's first, which again I wont be there for, and I think it's a bigger deal for kids than it is for everyone else. Maybe I would understand it a little better if I had them around but to me its just this day that happens where your supposed to be surrounded by family and if you're not you're made to feel it, and I've always just been alone on December 25th, annoyed that the only take out I can get is chow mien.
Well, that's not true. There was the first Christmas Dan spent in London, still desperate to avoid his mother's disapproving eye and purposly forgetting to board his train home. It was strange, waking up with that nagging feeling I should do something for him and not knowing why. I can still remember the look on his face when presented with his Christmas lunch- limited edition turkey pot noodle, half a kitkat and my last bottle of stella. That night we ordered special fried rice and watched christmas specials on bbc 2. It felt special enough I suppose, but only because of him.
Then there was the Christmas Sasha came out in the snow. She must of been freezing but she's very good at humoring me. Ever patient Sasha. She'll never know how she looked to me then, snow catching in her curls as she helped me make a Snowman, letting me cajole her into making angels and trying to find anywhere that was selling coffee so we could warm up. Again, another Christmas that had felt like magic, but not because of a man in a red suit.
it feels stupid asking anyone to see me on Christmas, it's just another day to me, it has no traditions, and no meaning, it's just December 25th, the day the World shuts down and you can never get a taxi. Maybe it's just because I know everyone else will be with people they love? That might be it. Asking to see anyone at Christmas always feels like an invasion, but with everybody seeing someone else and the streets deserted sometimes it feels like I must be the only man in the world, that I've survived some white powder Apocalypse and remain doomed to walk the earth, looking for some other dark shadow in the blizzard.
I think they know. They couldn't not know. It's so stupid, so so stupid. I don't know why I'm doing it except that I can and I'm incredibly hedonistic. Mephedrone, though, Jon Boy? Really? That it's come to this. It feels like coke though, and looks like coke, but it isn't coke, and I'm not an arsehole on it. God it's lovely though- to feel that upbeat, to want to chat and go out again and, fuck, all the problems in the world that just melt away. You're never on your own when you're out of your head. It's even worth the comedown. Just until the holidays pass and then I'll be clean, properly clean, maybe some pills on my birthday or once a month or something, or a line or two of speed before a night out, but no more than that. Anyway it was legal until summer, if it was legal now then there would be no issue at all, people get drunk to the point of passing out or smoke themselves to sleep every night- I don't understand how I'm the one with the problem anyway. I like things that keep me up and they like things that drag you down and absolutely everyone has these urges to fuck around with their body chemicals to feel different ways of being and I won't be guilt tripped into feeling bad by a wife who's already left me and friends who are never there. I don't have any responsibilities, and I have nowhere to go at Christmas, and they always forget my special days anyway, always, so I have to make them special by myself.
Just until the holiday season is over. Then I'll calm down and go back to blah.
How the Hell do you find yourself at 35 with no one to spend Christmas with you?
One more line and then I'll try to sleep. To cut through this comedown, half a line, even.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the high is so delightful, so since I've got ten grams or so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...