(Private, quel dommage...)
You always call me Jonatton. You’re one of the few people I wouldn’t mind calling me anything else. You could call me Jon or Jonny or Dipshit if you wanted to. Basil or Monty or Pickle or Lou Lou or any other shitty name you can think of. Or Peter or Carrion or Ebola or… Or Davey.
Was I as much fun to look after as the rest of your little bumbling brats? Some ways yes, some ways no… I wish I wish I wish it didn’t happen to you Ella. Why did you have to come round to mine? Why couldn’t you have gone to her? Why why why…
You let me. And I know why, because… You already told me didn’t you, that you can never say no. And I took advantage. Again and again and again. Funny how I could barely see but I could find my way to you. I am so sorry. Doesn’t matter though, does it? Still done it. God, and to you as well, we talked about it, we’re talked loads about it. And I never said how much I knew how it felt because ‘Yeah, my girlfriend used to pimp me out to boys cause she thought it was funny’ doesn’t really come close to what your teacher did. But I do know what it’s like, someone between your thighs you don’t want there. I do. Too well actually.
Doesn’t count as rape if you don’t fight back, just apathetic sex. Or so I’ve been sold…
I don’t know how I’m going to look at you knowing what I’ve done. Didn’t think of myself as a rapist, was clinging to that. The one awful word I could go HA lookit, NOT that bad… eradicated now hey? Fuck fuck fuck Nena, Ella, FUCK why did you let me? Why why why why… I feel so sick. I feel so so sick.
You’d be glad I feel sick though because it means I’ve cut back. Yeah. I’ve… slowed down a bit. Getting ready for Friday. Back to work, back to life, hey? Just like the last two months never happened.
Well, not quite. I’m worried about my… AH HA.. I’m worried about my boys. I didn’t ask Dan if Ned has been at work… Neither of them have been about at all, not even on Tim’s birthday, I would have expected SOMETHING then, even just a line complaining about wrinkles that vain stupid brilliant boy. God. I hope they’re happy. A bit irrational I know but… first loves hey? I knew he didn’t love me, because he was too… it was too insincere and he didn’t KNOW it was but I could tell… he’s 28 now but his heart is and always will be 15. And my Ned. Fuck. He will be hurting. He never could stand me in a mood with him, he couldn’t BARE being more than 40 feet away from me at one point (and one week before I left for college he couldn’t even bare that, floating like a poltergeist behind me everywhere I went, sleeping at the bottom of my bed like a fucking puppy much to Kat’s chagrin.) he won’t like this at all. I don’t want him to hurt, I want him to be able to enjoy that first little while of when you realize you’re in love with someone and not only that they love you right back…
Only I’m not sure I’ve been loved back. Just cared for. And that really isn’t THAT dramatic- I’ve only been in three relationships- it just sounds dramatic cause I’m 34 (apparently) and therefore should have found SOMEONE who was willing to love me back by now but since I’m a RAPIST this is probably void-
OH GOD ELLA.
Fucks sake. Crying afterwards. CRYING. And Jonboy didn’t think what that might equate to no cause he was SMACKED out of his face. I might tell Dan who will inevitably tell Jones just so that he beats the living shit out of me. Hopefully landing me in hospital where I will later be arrested. I hope someone makes me their bitch in prison, and not someone loving and gentle either- proper Oz shit…
What a bastard.
What a fucking cunt.
I like staying with Adam. He’s funny, and then he gets nervous again, which is funny in a different way, and then I make him drunk wine out of tumblers cause he doesn’t have any wine glasses (who doesn’t have at least two? Who? When I lived in a tent we had plastic wine glasses. That where granted to take the piss, but STILL.) and he isn’t so nervous any more and he forgets almost that I’m supposed to be his boss and I forget to be such a fucking prick and just laugh and relax and do a couple of lines, drink a bit. Just. Chill the fuck out. He keeps my head from ticking and my heart from thinking and switches it back around properly like what it should be. Good, it’s good that way Ella, God knows I love you but we would have killed each other. I’m very selfish, if you allow me to wallow then I will do so for years. That’s how long it took me to get over Kat, I was on a bender like that for years, literally years, there is a month at the very beginning where I can’t remember a thing, have been filled in later about how it went. Wasn’t too grand… nothing compared to what I did to.. anyway. And then Eliza. I was on a bender for about half a year to get over her, and then about two years when she wouldn’t let me see my baby. Which didn’t help my case in the courtroom, turning up with your shirt buttoned up wrong inside out and holding a half empty bottle of absinthe does nothing towards winning that Father of the Year trophy, by the by.
Can’t act like that in front of him you see, because he’s 23 and the idea of him seeing me like you did makes my stomach turn. The idea of YOU seeing me like you did makes it turn as well but at least you had a rough idea of what a fucking chalker I was before. Well. That’s what I’ll say to myself.
We had a massive fight over who slept on the sofa. I said it really ought to be him but he wasn’t having it. I joke. No I don’t. No I do. Eventually though he fell asleep on the sofa anyway and I sat up toking (Big Surprise) and drinking (Sacré bleu!) until sunrise and he trotted of to work like a good boy and I… tidied his house and made it a bit more Zen. I know, I know, I can’t even tell you why. Sweet coffee though, in the morning, instead of milky tea. I don’t know what I prefer. We can mix it up a bit, or maybe tea in the night times, no caffeine… well, if I slept that would make sense. Maybe when I’m an old sensible man and my party days are ov- Oh Nena let us not carry on this charade.
We’ll fight about it again tonight, after what ever shitty film this is. There’s monsters in the dark and a big strong man and a girl that’s shaved her head to be a boy. Hmm. I know a boy who grew his hair to be a girl. They could hook up. Hopefully get eaten by these bloody great bat things…
That’s not very nice is it?
Fucking SHAME.
Haha. I’m joking. I don’t want him to get eaten. Unless it’s out. By me. ARGH. See? That. Is. Not. Right. Oh fuck. FUCK he was good in bed… damn it fuck, why can’t he be SHIT at something? Anything? Drawing then, AH HA, SCORE ONE TO ME. Only no cause he ran off with Ned who is bloody excellent at drawing. WHICH I TAUGHT HIM. Ok, so you can’t TEACH that but I did buy him his first proper art things. So I’m claiming his talent as my own, like a greedy father. MY SON IS FUCKING MY BOYFRIEND. Fuck off that’s not fair. Ah haha. If he is good at bumming I’m claiming that as talent passed down from me as well seeing as he got his first practice in with MY boyfriend. That’s so unbelievably fucked up. God. Fuck and now I can’t stop thinking about Tim. I really want to give him head again. What a stupid thing to want to do, out of all the things there is to do. Oooh one more night in his arms. No. One more night with his dick down my throat. I am such a creep sometimes… Oh dear. Some thoughts should stay in one’s head right? WRONG. These thoughts can just get RIGHT to fuck. One way ticket, I’ll pay. FUCK, FUCK, I miss his smile, I miss is fucking grin so so much, that fucking smile… he used to pull my hair and do this half groan half laugh thing and it was amazing, sounded like something Beethoven composed…
Shitting hell. Wait there I’ll watch the bat things for another minute, cool off.
Erugh that did it, the boy-girl got found out because she’s on her mollies, DO NOT WANT. I am a very tolerant man, I’ll have you know, when I was 19 a boy threw up in my mouth cause he was that wasted and I didn’t complain, I cleaned him up, made sure he was alright, was GOING to get him back to his dorm as well but then he asked me for HEAD (He THREW UP in my MOUTH.) so I just left him then and went back to my own dorm because I was covered in sick that looked like blackberry jam, but periods will always scare the living fuck out of me.
Probably not you though, cause you get them. I would presume.
ANYWAY.
There was a purpose for this, but now it’s just words.
That’s me though, ha. That’s me exactly.
All filler no substance.
Sorry.
Joffan
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