Annual update!
So in keeping with my pattern of very scarce lj updates since the age of 17 I have decided to follow in the footsteps of Yuan and Tasha and let the online friends world in on myyyy doings.
No broken windows, no being a "Gael" or whatever the hell is it Tasha does with her drunken time. (just kidding, I love you Kasha) Just plain ol'over analyzing things that are probably a whole lot more mundane than they seem in my freaky-freaky life is coming to an end mindset.
Today is my tenth day in a row of being either drunk, high or both. As a direct result I am feeling pretty chill, (or is it just apathy?) but I know my workload is going to come and bite me in the ass at anyy time now. My midterms were all ok, probably my best round of midterms in my university career to date. I haven't gotten my Medical Anthropology midterm back but Human Nutrition in health and disease and Cellular Trafficking both went as well as could've been hoped for, Cell Traffic better than expected for sure.
My personal life seems to have gone to shit. I started questioning the status of my year long (plus that off and on 6 month period beforehand) relationship a while ago and it all culminated just over two weeks ago with us breaking up. At first I was so sure that it was exactly what I wanted, that things were too routine and that letting go now would only prevent a way more brutal awakening in a few months when we realized we resented one another. In reality it only took me a very short while to start second guessing myself. The result was a week of are-we aren't we, followed by less amicable, but still hopeful separation. We did the very childish thing of calling a "veto" on one person each person couldn't sleep with. The problem here was that I was under the impression this breakup was more a 'we're young let's enjoy singledom while we can' thing and less a 'let's be in serious relationships with other people' kind of break and he had said there's no one else he could see himself being with other than me and I'm so on the same page...or was until he slept with my one veto and I'm fairly certain they've been seeing each other intimately for the last 3 weeks. To make matters worse I told him about 10 days ago (note correlation with beginning of booze/drug marathon) that I wanted to get back together, he said he'd think about it and call me.
He never called. By day two I knew what the answer was but it was quite insulting for him to just let me hang there while he partied it up. I called to say hi last weekend and he awkwardly apologized for not getting in touch with me but seemed to be completely ignorant of the fact I was a complete emotional wreck. [read: it's fucking pathetic and I hate this side of my personality]. He also asked me outright whether or not I'd been hooking up with anyone, then proceeded to imply that since there were two randoms in a two week span that I was promiscuous or something. That didn't seem fair to me as he was the one already moving on, I was just coping and having fun. Don't call me a slut if it's my attempt to get over you not being in love with me anymore. Potentially irrational but fuck it, that's how I feel.
To further complicate matters, a guy I met at a Hallowe'en party and I had a really strange dynamic going on where it was a random hook up type thing, but followed up with a full day of hanging out, getting along and then chilled everyday this week except for one. Good thing? Not really I don't think. He also just got out of a long relationship, neither of us want to date and it's more unfortunate that we met at this time than in three months from now when either of us really had a grasp on life. PLUS last night, after a week of fun (no heavy hooking up, just fun) things hit a realllyyyy strange turn when we were chilling but he was dun dun dun piss drunk, on shrooms AND had taken some barbituates or something and ended up just crashing. We had a pretty intense relationship (?) conversation that I was not planning on having with anyone for a while, if ever, considering I still secretly hope Tristan misses me as much as I miss him, and it didn't really go so well. We are quite different on the surface but I don't think it runs much deeper than that. He is concerned he's a bad influence on me and that he'll end up "messing up my shit" or pushing me over the brink when it comes to my desire to experiment with more drugs etc. Really I think he sees me as much more naive than I am, and the whole rez-living thing just creeps him out as he's from Quebec and didn't have the typically first year experience. I hate being labelled generally but I particularly dislikes that he seems to think I have a "holier than thou" vibe happening as I've NEVER heard of someone percieving myself like that before. The best solution that comes to mind is to just cool it, as I don't want to get into anything serious with him, and the random hook up status seems not to be working out all that well. Need to distance myself.
One of the hardest adjustments I've had to make lately is that usually when I start to feel overwhelmed, nervous or depressed about something Tristan is the first/only person I needed to turn to and he'd make me feel better, now I can't. FUCK.
I feel creepily alone, even around so many people and its making it hard to be a role model/even keep it together as a floor fellow. So happy to have Kelly and Colleen to keep me grounded, I just feel like i need to know more of my friends are there for me, even if I don't see them all that much.
Sorry for the rant.
I miss everyone from T.O so effing bad.
Love Kate
No broken windows, no being a "Gael" or whatever the hell is it Tasha does with her drunken time. (just kidding, I love you Kasha) Just plain ol'over analyzing things that are probably a whole lot more mundane than they seem in my freaky-freaky life is coming to an end mindset.
Today is my tenth day in a row of being either drunk, high or both. As a direct result I am feeling pretty chill, (or is it just apathy?) but I know my workload is going to come and bite me in the ass at anyy time now. My midterms were all ok, probably my best round of midterms in my university career to date. I haven't gotten my Medical Anthropology midterm back but Human Nutrition in health and disease and Cellular Trafficking both went as well as could've been hoped for, Cell Traffic better than expected for sure.
My personal life seems to have gone to shit. I started questioning the status of my year long (plus that off and on 6 month period beforehand) relationship a while ago and it all culminated just over two weeks ago with us breaking up. At first I was so sure that it was exactly what I wanted, that things were too routine and that letting go now would only prevent a way more brutal awakening in a few months when we realized we resented one another. In reality it only took me a very short while to start second guessing myself. The result was a week of are-we aren't we, followed by less amicable, but still hopeful separation. We did the very childish thing of calling a "veto" on one person each person couldn't sleep with. The problem here was that I was under the impression this breakup was more a 'we're young let's enjoy singledom while we can' thing and less a 'let's be in serious relationships with other people' kind of break and he had said there's no one else he could see himself being with other than me and I'm so on the same page...or was until he slept with my one veto and I'm fairly certain they've been seeing each other intimately for the last 3 weeks. To make matters worse I told him about 10 days ago (note correlation with beginning of booze/drug marathon) that I wanted to get back together, he said he'd think about it and call me.
He never called. By day two I knew what the answer was but it was quite insulting for him to just let me hang there while he partied it up. I called to say hi last weekend and he awkwardly apologized for not getting in touch with me but seemed to be completely ignorant of the fact I was a complete emotional wreck. [read: it's fucking pathetic and I hate this side of my personality]. He also asked me outright whether or not I'd been hooking up with anyone, then proceeded to imply that since there were two randoms in a two week span that I was promiscuous or something. That didn't seem fair to me as he was the one already moving on, I was just coping and having fun. Don't call me a slut if it's my attempt to get over you not being in love with me anymore. Potentially irrational but fuck it, that's how I feel.
To further complicate matters, a guy I met at a Hallowe'en party and I had a really strange dynamic going on where it was a random hook up type thing, but followed up with a full day of hanging out, getting along and then chilled everyday this week except for one. Good thing? Not really I don't think. He also just got out of a long relationship, neither of us want to date and it's more unfortunate that we met at this time than in three months from now when either of us really had a grasp on life. PLUS last night, after a week of fun (no heavy hooking up, just fun) things hit a realllyyyy strange turn when we were chilling but he was dun dun dun piss drunk, on shrooms AND had taken some barbituates or something and ended up just crashing. We had a pretty intense relationship (?) conversation that I was not planning on having with anyone for a while, if ever, considering I still secretly hope Tristan misses me as much as I miss him, and it didn't really go so well. We are quite different on the surface but I don't think it runs much deeper than that. He is concerned he's a bad influence on me and that he'll end up "messing up my shit" or pushing me over the brink when it comes to my desire to experiment with more drugs etc. Really I think he sees me as much more naive than I am, and the whole rez-living thing just creeps him out as he's from Quebec and didn't have the typically first year experience. I hate being labelled generally but I particularly dislikes that he seems to think I have a "holier than thou" vibe happening as I've NEVER heard of someone percieving myself like that before. The best solution that comes to mind is to just cool it, as I don't want to get into anything serious with him, and the random hook up status seems not to be working out all that well. Need to distance myself.
One of the hardest adjustments I've had to make lately is that usually when I start to feel overwhelmed, nervous or depressed about something Tristan is the first/only person I needed to turn to and he'd make me feel better, now I can't. FUCK.
I feel creepily alone, even around so many people and its making it hard to be a role model/even keep it together as a floor fellow. So happy to have Kelly and Colleen to keep me grounded, I just feel like i need to know more of my friends are there for me, even if I don't see them all that much.
Sorry for the rant.
I miss everyone from T.O so effing bad.
Love Kate