Mind over Matter
It was an early morning for Jou. Technically at ten am it wasn't, but being on-call had granted him a mere four hours of sleep, which were interrupted by a nine-thirty am emergency case which required his immediate attention in the absence of the other interns and major traffic accident that saw ten patients show up on Waseda's doorstep simultaneously. Despite this rush of activity, the mists of sleep still clung to his brain and feet, causing him to drag his feet in a manner that would have easily earned him a reprimand from his mother.
He paused outside of his first non-emergency patient's exam room to allow himself the pleasure of a yawn. He'd come straight here after securing the last emergency patient and cleaning himself off. He hadn't even had time for coffee, mostly because Shin surprised him with an oral pop quiz almost as soon as he'd changed into some clean scrubs and washed his face. He tried to remind himself to look at the patient's name on the chart, but somehow his mind wouldn't register that command and every glance at the name turned the kanji on the label into Mayan glyphs.
He shook his head and straightened his hair out as he rounded the corner into the exam room and smiled.
"Good morning, how are you today?" he said cheerfully, using a greeting that avoided having to use the patient's name.
The young girl seated on the bed stood up and bowed to Jou, holding onto the bed with one hand to keep herself steady. Jou returned the bow and helped her back onto the bed. Jou guessed she was about sixteen or seventeen, partially by her youthful appearance and partially by the school uniform she wore.
"Good morning," she finally returned.
"Dr. Kido, at your service." He pulled up a stool and flipped open her chart. "What seems to be the problem?"
The girl, whose name Jou still had not read from the file he held right in front of him, seemed to be looking at the horizon. She seemed to wobble a little as she sat on the bed, like her head was too heavy.
"My head hurts. Like, bad."
"When did it start?"
She rubbed her head with her thumb and forefinger. "Three or four days ago. I tried using aspirin for it, but it's getting worse."
Jou nodded. "Any trouble seeing?" She nodded. "Nausea?" She nodded. "Dizziness?" She nodded again, and Jou took more notes.
Jou clicked his pen closed and shut her file, again forgetting to look at her name. "Well, it sounds like you might just have a migrane, but I'll run some tests just to make sure, okay?"
She covered her left eye with her hand and rubbed the entire side of her face like she was trying to make sure it stayed glued on. When she took it away Jou saw that her makeup had been smudged. She seemed to be aware of this and hesitantly lowered her hand while her eyes drifted to the floor molding to avoid looking directly at Jou. "What else could it be? My dad gets them."
Jou stood up and withdrew his pen light. "Anything from Encephalitis to cancer." He leaned close to her and placed on hand on the corner of her forehead, using his thumb to lift her eyelid as he shined the light onto her pupil. It contracted quickly, and the muscles around her eyes squeezed together in discomfort. He turned off the light and let go. "I just need to take a blood sample."
The girl rubbed her eye, smudging the rest of her makeup in the process. "Okay." She rolled up her sleeve as Jou prepared a needle and cleaned the inside of her elbow with an alcohol swab.
Jou didn't realize, however, that the girl had a force field. As he extended the razor-sharp point toward the exposed skin, his hand stopped moving. He sat back and blinked, thinking it was just fatigue. After all, few things annoyed patients more than getting stuck multiple times with a needle and Jou tried to make sure he always got it right the first time. He moved the needle toward he exposed vein, but again it stopped a couple of centimeters from the skin. Jou swallowed and let a gasp of frustration escape through his nose.
"Is something wrong?" asked the patient.
"No," Jou answered simply and pushed the needle toward her arm again. Again his hands stopped with the needle just above her skin as though something was holding it there. He started to push against his invisible antagonist, and then stopped, knowing better than to use force when holding a sharp instrument over the patient's arm.
He capped the needle and set it aside. "Sorry, but I just remembered I need some gauze. I'll be right back," he said as he excused himself from the examination room. A strong pressure left his body the moment he was in the hall.
He found Shin alone in the staff room fixing coffee. Rather, he found Shin alone in the staff room fixing coffee after checking the gynecology ward where all the hot young doctors were, and after checking every nurse station he knew Shin tended to flirt at, and after checking the cafeteria where Shin often charmed free bagels off the lunch lady.
“There you are!” he said, breathless, after shutting the door behind him.
The right side of Shin’s face raised in surprised curiosity upon Jou’s declaration. “Yes, here I am. Congrats on your diagnosis, Doctor Kiddo.” He went back to fixing his coffee; half a cream and two sugars.
Jou waited a moment, listening for the sound of muffled footsteps from the other side of the door. They were constant, but he was listening for the one pair that would stop at the door. “I need your help.”
Shin paused his stirring and looked at Jou curiously, but showed no surprise. “Well that is a given, Kiddo. You are still completely incompetent after all my months of tutelage, which does wonders for my self-esteem and confidence in my own skill as a doctor.”
“I am not incompetent!” Jou protested.
Shin tapped the stirrer on the rim of his cup and tossed it in the trash can. “I thought you had a patient?”
Jou noticed his hands were feeling sweaty. He wiped his palms on his trousers. “I do. That’s why I need you.”
Shin sighed. “Pagers exist for a reason, Jou. Come on, let’s see what-“
“Wait!” Jou grabbed Shin’s arm as it reached for the door. “It’s not like that. It’s a simple treatment, but…”
“But?” Shin put an enormous grin on like he was waiting for a present.
“I need you to take over my patient for me.”
Shin put his arm around Jou’s shoulder. “Any particular reason, Kiddo? Cooties, perhaps? Is another patient hitting on you? Or just hitting you? I know physical pain isn’t really your forte, but-“
“There’s nothing wrong with her,” Jou cut in. “I just can’t treat this one.” He held up his hands like they were covered in fresh blood. “I’m trying to take a blood sample, but my hands won’t let me.”
Shin’s face instantly hardened like lead. He took his arm from around Jou’s shoulder and stood up straight, almost matching Jou’s height due to his brother’s stooping. “Why?”
“She’s sixteen, experiencing migranes, need a blood test.” At times like these, Jou felt like Shin towered over him.
“And just why is that a problem?” Shin asked coolly.
Jou shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Shin lowered his voice to a growl. “I think you do. Tell me Jou, do any of your friends know what happened to Rie?”
Jou swallowed a chestnut. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s none of their business. They don’t need to know what’s going on at my job.”
Shin sighed and shook his head. He paced away from Jou a couple of steps and then turned around with his arms crossed. “Jesus, Jou. Do you even know the first thing about friendship? What’s the point of having them if you can’t tell any of them what’s bothering you?”
“I don’t want to be a problem to them! They have enough problems as it is!”
Shin slammed his hand on the table. “Don’t give me that self-depreciating bullshit! They are there because they give a damn about you, Jou. Just like you would go to any length to help you, they would do the same for you.”
Jou slammed his hands on the table and leaned over towards Shin. “What do they have to do with my job? As far as I know I’m the only one who knows much of anything about medicine except maybe Ryo-san or Ken-kun!”
Shin stared at Jou over the rims of his glasses. “Your fear of repeating what happened to Rie is now affecting your ability to treat patients. I’m sorry Jou, but I can’t help you with that. They can. Are you afraid they’ll think of you as a failure?”
Jou snorted. “No!”
“Then you know what to do!” Shin said. “All that’s lacking in you is the balls to do it.”
“So telling someone about what happened to Rie will make it all better? I’m sorry Shin, but I’m not sure how much Yamato-kun or Sora-kun can help me with that.”
Shin stood back up and crossed his arms. “It isn’t just Rie, Jou. It’s no secret that she looked like Mimi-chan.”
Jou jumped up as though the table was electrified. “What?”
“Everyone who’s seen Mimi-chan could see the resemblance straight off. You still feel like you’ve killed Rie-san, so now you feel that you’re going to kill Mimi-chan if you stay around her too much.”
Heat rose from Jou’s collar and crept up his neck toward his cheeks. “That is not true!” he nearly shouted, knowing he was lying.
Shin went back around the table and picked up his coffee. He stared at his reflection in the brown liquid as though it was a magic mirror, inhaling the aroma and hoping it would grant him a vision that would help him solve all the questions he kept asking about his brother and allow him to go back to his work in Malaysia. He in haled deeply and released it in a long sigh.
“Jou, you will have to come clean about this to Mimi-chan at some point. You can’t let this fear of yours interfere with your work.”
Jou looked away from Shin. His face felt red-hot from anger and shame as his behavior. “I know.”
“If you want people to help you, you have to let them in first.” Shin took a sip of his coffee. “Dear god, I thought I told them to stop buying this brand. Look, I’ll finish your patient for you this time. But if she comes back here tomorrow with so much as kitten scratches or an open skull, she is one hundred percent your responsibility, understood?”
“Yeah. Thanks Shin.”
Shin patted Jou on the shoulder once and left without a word. Jou stood still, listening to the footsteps outside for several minutes before moving again. He looked at the clock. He had ten hours left on his shift. He looked around the room. The wall adjacent to the door held a bookshelf with several notepads and pens. He grabbed a pen and several sheets of paper, sat down at the table and started writing.
I haven’t been totally honest with you…
He paused outside of his first non-emergency patient's exam room to allow himself the pleasure of a yawn. He'd come straight here after securing the last emergency patient and cleaning himself off. He hadn't even had time for coffee, mostly because Shin surprised him with an oral pop quiz almost as soon as he'd changed into some clean scrubs and washed his face. He tried to remind himself to look at the patient's name on the chart, but somehow his mind wouldn't register that command and every glance at the name turned the kanji on the label into Mayan glyphs.
He shook his head and straightened his hair out as he rounded the corner into the exam room and smiled.
"Good morning, how are you today?" he said cheerfully, using a greeting that avoided having to use the patient's name.
The young girl seated on the bed stood up and bowed to Jou, holding onto the bed with one hand to keep herself steady. Jou returned the bow and helped her back onto the bed. Jou guessed she was about sixteen or seventeen, partially by her youthful appearance and partially by the school uniform she wore.
"Good morning," she finally returned.
"Dr. Kido, at your service." He pulled up a stool and flipped open her chart. "What seems to be the problem?"
The girl, whose name Jou still had not read from the file he held right in front of him, seemed to be looking at the horizon. She seemed to wobble a little as she sat on the bed, like her head was too heavy.
"My head hurts. Like, bad."
"When did it start?"
She rubbed her head with her thumb and forefinger. "Three or four days ago. I tried using aspirin for it, but it's getting worse."
Jou nodded. "Any trouble seeing?" She nodded. "Nausea?" She nodded. "Dizziness?" She nodded again, and Jou took more notes.
Jou clicked his pen closed and shut her file, again forgetting to look at her name. "Well, it sounds like you might just have a migrane, but I'll run some tests just to make sure, okay?"
She covered her left eye with her hand and rubbed the entire side of her face like she was trying to make sure it stayed glued on. When she took it away Jou saw that her makeup had been smudged. She seemed to be aware of this and hesitantly lowered her hand while her eyes drifted to the floor molding to avoid looking directly at Jou. "What else could it be? My dad gets them."
Jou stood up and withdrew his pen light. "Anything from Encephalitis to cancer." He leaned close to her and placed on hand on the corner of her forehead, using his thumb to lift her eyelid as he shined the light onto her pupil. It contracted quickly, and the muscles around her eyes squeezed together in discomfort. He turned off the light and let go. "I just need to take a blood sample."
The girl rubbed her eye, smudging the rest of her makeup in the process. "Okay." She rolled up her sleeve as Jou prepared a needle and cleaned the inside of her elbow with an alcohol swab.
Jou didn't realize, however, that the girl had a force field. As he extended the razor-sharp point toward the exposed skin, his hand stopped moving. He sat back and blinked, thinking it was just fatigue. After all, few things annoyed patients more than getting stuck multiple times with a needle and Jou tried to make sure he always got it right the first time. He moved the needle toward he exposed vein, but again it stopped a couple of centimeters from the skin. Jou swallowed and let a gasp of frustration escape through his nose.
"Is something wrong?" asked the patient.
"No," Jou answered simply and pushed the needle toward her arm again. Again his hands stopped with the needle just above her skin as though something was holding it there. He started to push against his invisible antagonist, and then stopped, knowing better than to use force when holding a sharp instrument over the patient's arm.
He capped the needle and set it aside. "Sorry, but I just remembered I need some gauze. I'll be right back," he said as he excused himself from the examination room. A strong pressure left his body the moment he was in the hall.
He found Shin alone in the staff room fixing coffee. Rather, he found Shin alone in the staff room fixing coffee after checking the gynecology ward where all the hot young doctors were, and after checking every nurse station he knew Shin tended to flirt at, and after checking the cafeteria where Shin often charmed free bagels off the lunch lady.
“There you are!” he said, breathless, after shutting the door behind him.
The right side of Shin’s face raised in surprised curiosity upon Jou’s declaration. “Yes, here I am. Congrats on your diagnosis, Doctor Kiddo.” He went back to fixing his coffee; half a cream and two sugars.
Jou waited a moment, listening for the sound of muffled footsteps from the other side of the door. They were constant, but he was listening for the one pair that would stop at the door. “I need your help.”
Shin paused his stirring and looked at Jou curiously, but showed no surprise. “Well that is a given, Kiddo. You are still completely incompetent after all my months of tutelage, which does wonders for my self-esteem and confidence in my own skill as a doctor.”
“I am not incompetent!” Jou protested.
Shin tapped the stirrer on the rim of his cup and tossed it in the trash can. “I thought you had a patient?”
Jou noticed his hands were feeling sweaty. He wiped his palms on his trousers. “I do. That’s why I need you.”
Shin sighed. “Pagers exist for a reason, Jou. Come on, let’s see what-“
“Wait!” Jou grabbed Shin’s arm as it reached for the door. “It’s not like that. It’s a simple treatment, but…”
“But?” Shin put an enormous grin on like he was waiting for a present.
“I need you to take over my patient for me.”
Shin put his arm around Jou’s shoulder. “Any particular reason, Kiddo? Cooties, perhaps? Is another patient hitting on you? Or just hitting you? I know physical pain isn’t really your forte, but-“
“There’s nothing wrong with her,” Jou cut in. “I just can’t treat this one.” He held up his hands like they were covered in fresh blood. “I’m trying to take a blood sample, but my hands won’t let me.”
Shin’s face instantly hardened like lead. He took his arm from around Jou’s shoulder and stood up straight, almost matching Jou’s height due to his brother’s stooping. “Why?”
“She’s sixteen, experiencing migranes, need a blood test.” At times like these, Jou felt like Shin towered over him.
“And just why is that a problem?” Shin asked coolly.
Jou shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Shin lowered his voice to a growl. “I think you do. Tell me Jou, do any of your friends know what happened to Rie?”
Jou swallowed a chestnut. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s none of their business. They don’t need to know what’s going on at my job.”
Shin sighed and shook his head. He paced away from Jou a couple of steps and then turned around with his arms crossed. “Jesus, Jou. Do you even know the first thing about friendship? What’s the point of having them if you can’t tell any of them what’s bothering you?”
“I don’t want to be a problem to them! They have enough problems as it is!”
Shin slammed his hand on the table. “Don’t give me that self-depreciating bullshit! They are there because they give a damn about you, Jou. Just like you would go to any length to help you, they would do the same for you.”
Jou slammed his hands on the table and leaned over towards Shin. “What do they have to do with my job? As far as I know I’m the only one who knows much of anything about medicine except maybe Ryo-san or Ken-kun!”
Shin stared at Jou over the rims of his glasses. “Your fear of repeating what happened to Rie is now affecting your ability to treat patients. I’m sorry Jou, but I can’t help you with that. They can. Are you afraid they’ll think of you as a failure?”
Jou snorted. “No!”
“Then you know what to do!” Shin said. “All that’s lacking in you is the balls to do it.”
“So telling someone about what happened to Rie will make it all better? I’m sorry Shin, but I’m not sure how much Yamato-kun or Sora-kun can help me with that.”
Shin stood back up and crossed his arms. “It isn’t just Rie, Jou. It’s no secret that she looked like Mimi-chan.”
Jou jumped up as though the table was electrified. “What?”
“Everyone who’s seen Mimi-chan could see the resemblance straight off. You still feel like you’ve killed Rie-san, so now you feel that you’re going to kill Mimi-chan if you stay around her too much.”
Heat rose from Jou’s collar and crept up his neck toward his cheeks. “That is not true!” he nearly shouted, knowing he was lying.
Shin went back around the table and picked up his coffee. He stared at his reflection in the brown liquid as though it was a magic mirror, inhaling the aroma and hoping it would grant him a vision that would help him solve all the questions he kept asking about his brother and allow him to go back to his work in Malaysia. He in haled deeply and released it in a long sigh.
“Jou, you will have to come clean about this to Mimi-chan at some point. You can’t let this fear of yours interfere with your work.”
Jou looked away from Shin. His face felt red-hot from anger and shame as his behavior. “I know.”
“If you want people to help you, you have to let them in first.” Shin took a sip of his coffee. “Dear god, I thought I told them to stop buying this brand. Look, I’ll finish your patient for you this time. But if she comes back here tomorrow with so much as kitten scratches or an open skull, she is one hundred percent your responsibility, understood?”
“Yeah. Thanks Shin.”
Shin patted Jou on the shoulder once and left without a word. Jou stood still, listening to the footsteps outside for several minutes before moving again. He looked at the clock. He had ten hours left on his shift. He looked around the room. The wall adjacent to the door held a bookshelf with several notepads and pens. He grabbed a pen and several sheets of paper, sat down at the table and started writing.
I haven’t been totally honest with you…