(no subject)
Eric is leaving town tomorrow- for a MONTH. I'm super happy for him that he's going to the events that he is, and I'm glad he has the chance and ability to travel like he has. Of course I have no shame with saying I'm not pleased about the 2 weeks in between the events he's going to attend because there's no real reason for him to be gone. He's going to be working somewhere else. I mean yes, he'll be seeing a friend, but two weeks is just *grumbles off into the distance*
Yes, in some ways it's envy. The thing that bothers me is just the time. When I was with Matt when he would go out of town I'd miss him kinda, but we spent all our time together the rest of the time, I felt satisfied with our time together. So far with Eric I have never reached the point where I have 'gotten enough of him'. I probably never will, because of the poly bit. And I also realize that the reason C has seemed so indifferent to him leaving for so fucking long, is that she has. I am SO envious of that also, but I accept that it will never change. Just cause you accept something doesn't mean you have to like it.
So far he hasn't even LEFT, and I already feel myself sinking into a pretty dark place. At one point I admitted that to him but it upset him so I stopped talking about it. I decided that any negative feelings that could possibly transfer over to him were off limits when talking to people or writing online or around him. I don't know if it completely worked, but I hope so. I don't want to ruin a single moment of his trip! It's my fault that I feel this way so why would I want to let him suffer it?
I'm just not looking forward to the next month. Unlike C, I don't have any other people to sleep with, have sex with, etc. If i do want to find someone to (Eventually) have that with, I have to start the dating process and MAN I hate that. At least around the time I met Eric I had people like Joe in my life, and I could afford to go on dinner dates. I refuse to go to a meal without being able to pay for the meal myself, so that further fucks any chance of dating someone, eh.
*sigh* I wish I could just... I don't even know. I don't want to hibernate or anything, I want to accomplish things and then undo so I had the chance for some better 'alternate reality' this month, Hah hah hah. Or maybe just rewinde the last year and figure out how to do it RIGHT so I didn't get to this point in the first place? Save up so the trip were paid for and I could have gone to some of it with him.. Whatever. I'm going to bed.
Yes, in some ways it's envy. The thing that bothers me is just the time. When I was with Matt when he would go out of town I'd miss him kinda, but we spent all our time together the rest of the time, I felt satisfied with our time together. So far with Eric I have never reached the point where I have 'gotten enough of him'. I probably never will, because of the poly bit. And I also realize that the reason C has seemed so indifferent to him leaving for so fucking long, is that she has. I am SO envious of that also, but I accept that it will never change. Just cause you accept something doesn't mean you have to like it.
So far he hasn't even LEFT, and I already feel myself sinking into a pretty dark place. At one point I admitted that to him but it upset him so I stopped talking about it. I decided that any negative feelings that could possibly transfer over to him were off limits when talking to people or writing online or around him. I don't know if it completely worked, but I hope so. I don't want to ruin a single moment of his trip! It's my fault that I feel this way so why would I want to let him suffer it?
I'm just not looking forward to the next month. Unlike C, I don't have any other people to sleep with, have sex with, etc. If i do want to find someone to (Eventually) have that with, I have to start the dating process and MAN I hate that. At least around the time I met Eric I had people like Joe in my life, and I could afford to go on dinner dates. I refuse to go to a meal without being able to pay for the meal myself, so that further fucks any chance of dating someone, eh.
*sigh* I wish I could just... I don't even know. I don't want to hibernate or anything, I want to accomplish things and then undo so I had the chance for some better 'alternate reality' this month, Hah hah hah. Or maybe just rewinde the last year and figure out how to do it RIGHT so I didn't get to this point in the first place? Save up so the trip were paid for and I could have gone to some of it with him.. Whatever. I'm going to bed.