Ok two general mistakes all writers tend to make at the star of their art form:
1) Not being very clear with what’s going on at all times. (Unless you want to hide something or just generally mislead your readers, this is something everyone hast to work on at some point in time)
When I read this I wasn’t sure if Jae had gotten to Sylvia just before she had died or if he was talking to her ghost.
This is probably because you don’t have “quotation marks”. So my big question would be, do you not use them because you don’t like them? Is it a technical issue? Or is it an artistic/poetry form that you’re using?
The reason we use “quotation marks” is so we can easily separate speech from description. But again, if you want the reader to feel unsure about what’s going on then the choice you’ve made was well done.
For example: This: Sally said she wanted a puppy, her mom replied no honey to which she cried why?
VS.
This: Sally said, “I want a puppy” Her mother replied, “No honey” Sally cried, “Why?”
Issue 2) Forgetting about what the audience is expecting.
I see this happen a lot on stories; especially fan fiction. Even the writers that I LOVE to read make this mistake.
Now the sucky thing about writing Fan fiction is that you’re basically always borrowing something from something else. And when you borrow things you have to try your best to keep them true to their intentions. Fan Fiction is kind of awkward because you already have a built in fan base to supply you readers, but because of that automatic chance of readers you’ve also caged yourself in by those fans expectations.
Now I don’t know anything about Jaejoong (because I’ve never met the guy), and further more I know basically NOTHING about Korea (compared to how much I know about my home town), but that doesn’t mean that your other readers don’t.
So when you use names like Sylvia and tell us she’s a prostitute we have to stop and ask, “How can Sylvia be Korean, when Sylvia is not a Korean name? Does this story take place in Korea? Do they have prostitutes in Korea? Would Jaejoong be the type of guy to fall for one?”
Now I can believe that Jaejoong could be the type of guy to fall for a Prostitute and Foreigner. And from what I’ve read on various Korean blogs by English writers who (are living/ have lived) in Korea, Korea does, in fact, have prostitutes.
Personally I’m very confused as to if this story really IS taking place in Korea.
If it is not, problem solved. From there I’d just assume that Jaejoong is Korean but lives somewhere and speaks the same language as this Sylvia woman. But if it IS set in Korea well… then this story has to explain itself a bit more.
I hope that’ll help you? I know I would have never known how to fix my writing without help from others. And don’t feel like this post/critique is an F grade on the paper or something, you might not feel that it was amazing but because you had the courage to even share it with strangers and ask for help is a huge step into becoming better at it.
And if you wanted help with spelling/grammar I didn’t see any, but that’s my greatest struggle so I’d be of no help to you anyway.
gyugafgyuajossiebabyahhFebruary 17 2010, 06:46:34 UTC
I actually wrote this story about a year ago. It's a short story or one shot as i like to call it. No, shes not a foreigner in the story and to me it doesn't really matter if she is but i guess to the readers it does.
When i wrote this i wasnt going for a whole fanfic plot and all. i wanted to write something uncommon to society. to me this is pretty uncommon. Jaejoong is korean and shes mixed. i think race is not a big factor here. whats a big factor is that they were both humans with simple human emotions and i wanted to capture that.
i know is not the best of writing and im not the best writer but i try and i guess thats what matters the most.
thank you very much for reading my story and i hope you liked it!!!!!!!!
i love criticism even though it hurts me in the end. hehehehehe
Re: gyugafgyuaraynbowzebraFebruary 17 2010, 22:59:13 UTC
B+
Don't be hurt by my words, you didn't do anything wrong. It was just very artistic, and when you go for artistic styles you tend to lose some people (like me).
Re: gyugafgyuaraynbowzebraFebruary 18 2010, 03:23:55 UTC
I thought so.
I especially hate when you get sites that won't take them, like you write them in but they end up disappearing on you when you post it, whats up with that?!
1) Not being very clear with what’s going on at all times.
(Unless you want to hide something or just generally mislead your readers, this is something everyone hast to work on at some point in time)
When I read this I wasn’t sure if Jae had gotten to Sylvia just before she had died or if he was talking to her ghost.
This is probably because you don’t have “quotation marks”. So my big question would be, do you not use them because you don’t like them?
Is it a technical issue?
Or is it an artistic/poetry form that you’re using?
The reason we use “quotation marks” is so we can easily separate speech from description. But again, if you want the reader to feel unsure about what’s going on then the choice you’ve made was well done.
For example:
This: Sally said she wanted a puppy, her mom replied no honey to which she cried why?
VS.
This: Sally said, “I want a puppy”
Her mother replied, “No honey”
Sally cried, “Why?”
Issue 2) Forgetting about what the audience is expecting.
I see this happen a lot on stories; especially fan fiction. Even the writers that I LOVE to read make this mistake.
Now the sucky thing about writing Fan fiction is that you’re basically always borrowing something from something else. And when you borrow things you have to try your best to keep them true to their intentions. Fan Fiction is kind of awkward because you already have a built in fan base to supply you readers, but because of that automatic chance of readers you’ve also caged yourself in by those fans expectations.
Now I don’t know anything about Jaejoong (because I’ve never met the guy), and further more I know basically NOTHING about Korea (compared to how much I know about my home town), but that doesn’t mean that your other readers don’t.
So when you use names like Sylvia and tell us she’s a prostitute we have to stop and ask,
“How can Sylvia be Korean, when Sylvia is not a Korean name?
Does this story take place in Korea?
Do they have prostitutes in Korea?
Would Jaejoong be the type of guy to fall for one?”
Now I can believe that Jaejoong could be the type of guy to fall for a Prostitute and Foreigner. And from what I’ve read on various Korean blogs by English writers who (are living/ have lived) in Korea, Korea does, in fact, have prostitutes.
Personally I’m very confused as to if this story really IS taking place in Korea.
If it is not, problem solved. From there I’d just assume that Jaejoong is Korean but lives somewhere and speaks the same language as this Sylvia woman.
But if it IS set in Korea well… then this story has to explain itself a bit more.
I hope that’ll help you? I know I would have never known how to fix my writing without help from others. And don’t feel like this post/critique is an F grade on the paper or something, you might not feel that it was amazing but because you had the courage to even share it with strangers and ask for help is a huge step into becoming better at it.
And if you wanted help with spelling/grammar I didn’t see any, but that’s my greatest struggle so I’d be of no help to you anyway.
Reply
It's a short story or one shot as i like to call it. No, shes not a foreigner in the story and to me it doesn't really matter if she is but i guess to the readers it does.
When i wrote this i wasnt going for a whole fanfic plot and all. i wanted to write something uncommon to society. to me this is pretty uncommon. Jaejoong is korean and shes mixed. i think race is not a big factor here. whats a big factor is that they were both humans with simple human emotions and i wanted to capture that.
i know is not the best of writing and im not the best writer but i try and i guess thats what matters the most.
thank you very much for reading my story and i hope you liked it!!!!!!!!
i love criticism even though it hurts me in the end. hehehehehe
what grade would you give this story?
Reply
Don't be hurt by my words, you didn't do anything wrong. It was just very artistic, and when you go for artistic styles you tend to lose some people (like me).
Reply
I'm just overly sensitive. I am majoring in Creative Writing afterall.
But overall i think the story went good.
i hate quotation marks.
-_-
Reply
I especially hate when you get sites that won't take them, like you write them in but they end up disappearing on you when you post it, whats up with that?!
Reply
i bet they were thinking "well, i hate quotations so im gonna anger all who dont."
scary. evilness.
ahh
Reply
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