blah
everything is fleeting, she was going away anyways, i just don't have enough in me to put my energy out to someone in that way if she can't say that she want's to be with me....if i'm with someone i want to be wholly with that person and i want them to be with me, and if you can't even say "yes" to being asked if you want to be with me, then i don't have it in me...sigh...why do i have to be so stupidedly mynogomis...maybe thats what it is, i don't know, maybe i'm just stupid in my head, but i'm just not happy with a physical presance in a relationship, i want the mind and heart and soul to be in there with the physical.....it's hard when people want are wanting different thing...if we wanted the same thing it would absolutly wonderful and i desperatly hope that maybe one day if she comes to calgary and actually can say that she wants to be with me so we can try all this again, we're still going to be friends, she's too amazing of a person not to be, but it's going to be hard, i've never stayed friends with an ex before, and i still care about her so very deeply, theres no way anything wrong with her, maybe she's almost too perfect.....sigh....she just can't give me the sort of comitment i'm lokoing for by her saying she wants to be with me...and i can't seem to offer her what she needs at this point in time either...maybe one day again.....it would be so nice.......sigh.........in other news i decided to get myself a warttenberg wheel(i think thats the right spelling)...fun little medical toy thats great for sensation play, my timing was nice and perfect for getting it just in time for all the pre-mentioned stuff to go down, so it's still hasn't really been played with yet....sigh.........some more other news, started the sheet metal part of my chair today, lot's of loud bashing, i know i'm pissing the other people in the shop off, it's so loud and anoying, sheet metals like that, got most of the basic shape of it set up, and then just have to planish it to get the hammer marks out and make all smooth and pretty like...weeee.....no i think i'm starting to ramble because thats the sorta made i'm in kinda maybe, i don't know....i'm shutting up now.