Demused Disconnection
Yesterday, I had this feeling of total paranoia/anxiousness/one-step-away-from-hyperventilating. It was like a palpable sense of impending doom. If I could just reach out and grasp it, my fingers would enclose a cold, death-like.. thing. I don't know. The whole day, I couldn't explain why I felt that way. I talked with Sarah about it at the end of the day and made sure things were alright between us. They were. I knew they were. Still, the reassurances are comforting. I suppose chalking the whole thing up to lack of sleep would be the wisest thing to do. After all, I figure I had only two good solid hours of sleep the night before.
The thing that worries me is how I behave when I don't get enough sleep. Most of the time, I just become a bitch to Sarah. I'll snap at her for things that really don't frustrate me, but since I'm in a bad mad, they just come out. It hurts her feelings and that's something that I truly and sorely hate doing. We've had some major fights in the last month or so, but things have been fine for the past couple of weeks. I don't want it all to go back to the way it was. Still, things snowball so quickly when you're irritable. Despite the perception that I have a devil-may-care attitude, on the inside, things roil. It's not that I have a problem expressing my feelings and thoughts, it's just that I don't like to give them substance. To me, there's just no point in telling other people that I'm haunted by a deer that I ran over seven years ago. Any time I think of an animal, that's one of the first images that comes flooding into my mind. I'll try to shake it out of my head, and then... wham! there it is. And it breaks my heart every time! I hate hurting any creature. Sometimes when I'm really angry at my cat for something (like not using the litterbox), I'll pop her on the butt. Not hard, but it pisses her off. Then I feel utterly terrible. I give substance to my anger. I *hate* that.
My father used to give substance to his anger. He'd take it out on us by slapping us (hard), mashing our faces into the carpet, spank my sister and I, throw things at us... one time he even pushed my sister down the stairs. In the whole theory of nature vs. nurture, I want to believe that what we learn as children isn't what fucks us up the rest of our lives. My father had emotional problems. He expressed himself in all the negative ways without expressing any of the positive. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to be like my mom either. She stayed with that fucking prick, though he beat her and cheated on her. I don't want to be like my parents. My sister has gone down that path to some degree. She got herself pregnant several months ago by a boy she didn't know that well. For better or worse now, she's clinging to him with all her might. Maybe its easy for her to attach to someone emotionally if they show you a little attention. Is that what I do? Have I attached myself to Sarah because she showed me some attention when no one else would? I don't like to think so. True, our courting was a bit hasty, and our nesting even hastier, but I like to think that I've found my one true love. I want to be with her forever. There are plenty of times when I don't like her (mostly because I don't like myself), but there are no times when I don't love her. Even when I'm at my meanest and cruelest, spitting vitriolic insults at her, its like the deer I ran over. I'm watching as though everything is a scripted movie. Even when I want to change the script, I can't. My heart is breaking and still I lash out.
The thing that worries me is how I behave when I don't get enough sleep. Most of the time, I just become a bitch to Sarah. I'll snap at her for things that really don't frustrate me, but since I'm in a bad mad, they just come out. It hurts her feelings and that's something that I truly and sorely hate doing. We've had some major fights in the last month or so, but things have been fine for the past couple of weeks. I don't want it all to go back to the way it was. Still, things snowball so quickly when you're irritable. Despite the perception that I have a devil-may-care attitude, on the inside, things roil. It's not that I have a problem expressing my feelings and thoughts, it's just that I don't like to give them substance. To me, there's just no point in telling other people that I'm haunted by a deer that I ran over seven years ago. Any time I think of an animal, that's one of the first images that comes flooding into my mind. I'll try to shake it out of my head, and then... wham! there it is. And it breaks my heart every time! I hate hurting any creature. Sometimes when I'm really angry at my cat for something (like not using the litterbox), I'll pop her on the butt. Not hard, but it pisses her off. Then I feel utterly terrible. I give substance to my anger. I *hate* that.
My father used to give substance to his anger. He'd take it out on us by slapping us (hard), mashing our faces into the carpet, spank my sister and I, throw things at us... one time he even pushed my sister down the stairs. In the whole theory of nature vs. nurture, I want to believe that what we learn as children isn't what fucks us up the rest of our lives. My father had emotional problems. He expressed himself in all the negative ways without expressing any of the positive. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to be like my mom either. She stayed with that fucking prick, though he beat her and cheated on her. I don't want to be like my parents. My sister has gone down that path to some degree. She got herself pregnant several months ago by a boy she didn't know that well. For better or worse now, she's clinging to him with all her might. Maybe its easy for her to attach to someone emotionally if they show you a little attention. Is that what I do? Have I attached myself to Sarah because she showed me some attention when no one else would? I don't like to think so. True, our courting was a bit hasty, and our nesting even hastier, but I like to think that I've found my one true love. I want to be with her forever. There are plenty of times when I don't like her (mostly because I don't like myself), but there are no times when I don't love her. Even when I'm at my meanest and cruelest, spitting vitriolic insults at her, its like the deer I ran over. I'm watching as though everything is a scripted movie. Even when I want to change the script, I can't. My heart is breaking and still I lash out.